Thursday, June 21, 2012

Typical Chinese Parents


I have observed a lot of Chinese parents whose mere presence makes everyone around them very unhappy. Their grown-up kids are almost without exception quite unhappy with them, while feeling guilty about having such feelings. I have been wondering, if one is unlucky enough to have such parents or marry into a family with such parents, what should one do?

A friend of mine suggested open discussion and serious dialogue. Communication is always my favored approach, except that it requires the other party to cooperate and participate, instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it", or simply a passive-aggressive face that shows that no communication would be useful. I guess the bottom line is that they are so set in their ways and so convinced that they are right that eventually everyone will give up talking with them. Of course when everyone gives up, they hear no more serious challenge and therefore naturally believe that it means that they must be right.

I look at my own mother, and try to figure out her secrets. She is from an older generation and of course she has different views and opinions about many things. She also has different habits. So what is it that she does that is different from the other Chinese parents?

In the end, I realize that it can be summed up in one word - perspective. Without having to read any books or learn from any guru, she has developed the wisdom of life, which is different from both street smart and book smart.

Most Chinese parents lack perspective in a way that makes them look comical:

- They are often super stingy and save every penny, even though their boring lives could really benefit from some periodic indulgences, which may actually get them in a better mood than the one they are frequently in when they launch into another complaint about their kids. My mom is very thrifty and never wastes money, but she never spends time worrying about cost if she's getting something that she wants, as long as she can afford it. She never goes around and around to look for the best deals as she prefers to spend her time doing much more fun things, or gets upset if she finds out that she has bought something that she could have bought at a much lower price. In summary, she is the boss of her money, instead of the slave as many Chinese parents are.

- They volunteer to help their kids with the grandchildren and then accuse the kids of being ungrateful whenever there is any friction or disagreement. Indeed, taking care of babies is a lot of work. I certainly know that myself. I would certainly say "no thank you" if someone tells me openly, "well, I would like to help you with housework and childcare. The condition is that I can do or say whatever I like, and I am in general very disagreeable." In fact, that's what a lot of Chinese parents should have said to their kids during the discussion on such topics. Instead, they say nothing up front, and feel indignant if their kids fight with them just because of a few toxic comments. My mom is very clear that she and I have different opinions and different habits, and therefore she is only willing to help me in the first few months after Winston's birth or when Winston was in transition between nannies and daycare. She is very clear that only when she's happy can she be of help to me. In other words, she is very clear about what I most need from her - her happiness first, followed by her help, as otherwise her help would just be toxic burden for me. That shows that she truly cares for me, in that she does not project onto me what I should need, but what I truly need. Since she's thoroughly enjoying her life right now in Beijing, I also feel happy because of her. That is why I wonder why other Chinese parents are not doing what my mom does (i.e. just live their own lives and be happy so that everyone else can be happier). Instead, they make themselves unhappy by supporting their kids with childcare or financial assistance, all the while feeling even more unhappy.

- They seem to care too much about what others think, but as a result have paradoxically become even more selfish. It is always about "face". They do a lot of things because "otherwise so and so will be unhappy", or "otherwise what would people think of us?" As a result, they are super demanding and appear utterly selfish. My mom is truly independent in that she lives in a way that's best for her, and her happiness has enabled her to be more generous and giving. She does not care if she is considered "abnormal" if she has no interest eating out with some people or joining a party. She does not care if she does not do something that everyone else does. She does not care if people think that a divorced mother of two must be miserable. She does not care if others think that she is not doing something correctly. These other Chinese parents seem to care more about what others think than their own happiness. As a result, they are usually so unhappy that they have no capacity for love, consideration or forgiveness for their own family - they are too busy trying to cover up all the terrible things that they don't want others to see, without knowing that no one else pays that much attention to them.

I am truly grateful for having such a mother myself. She has taught me with her own example the importance of perspective. Unfortunately, I see around myself many people who are the unintentional products of their Chinese parents. And as we all know, old habits die hard. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

An Exceptional Leader

In general, I try to steer away from writing about work or any work related topics. I work in the biotech industry, and I travel in the Chinese life science circle. There are many people in my circle who have done great things or led interesting lives. I don't write about them because I don't want to get my personal life and professional life mixed up.

In that case, my personal investment is a personal topic. Michael and I invest in the stock market. In a way, perhaps one would say that due to my working in life sciences and him in biomedical research, we should be better at investing in biotech stocks than others. But no - the one stock we have the biggest unrealized loss is a biotech company Dendreon that he has studied in excruciating details.



I recall making an argument to him that is very well-known in business. First of all, we really don't know much about each company. Second, even when we study it to death, there is a lot of risks that are not even known to the insiders. Lastly, in business we all know the importance of leadership, and if the leadership of a company has not been stellar, there is even more reason to doubt its potential. Eventually people make the company sink or float, and if the leadership does not project credibility, no science or technology will compensate for it in the market place.

There is only one stock that I have spent more money than others, although now I wish that I had spent all the money that Michael invested in Dendreon to buy it. It is Wuxi Apptec. Due to my work, I have got to know many players including Wuxi in the Chinese outsourcing industry. Wuxi is undoubtedly the leader of its field. Of course, as the overall pharmaceutical industry is going through a hard time, the contract research organizations in China are also facing challenges. Still, despite all the contractions, Wuxi has remained the only big biotech investment from which I have realized gains as well as paper gains.

I don't pride myself on my investment wisdom. I don't have any by comparison to others. But I do go by my own argument in investing in a company where the leadership is strong. Wuxi Apptec has been led from its very first day by an extraordinary leader, Dr. Ge Li. Throughout the past decade, he has steered the company through its rapid expansion and transformation, utterly changing concepts of what a CRO can do in the context of pharmaceutical discovery and development.

Lately, there is a press release from Wuxi on a former junior employee being found out on stealing some compounds from a client company. Yes, it is bad press. But I applaud their courage to put out a press release, take responsibility and not shy away from discussing it. After reading it, I wrote an email to Ge, and mentioned how the only biotech stock that has made me a lot of money is Wuxi and how I wish that I had bought more of it - yes, I was flattering him a little, but perhaps I was just secretly chastizing my own husband! He graciously wrote back, and being extremely perceptive as always, he said, "thank you, my friend. I guess you are writing this email to show support for me and the company." He went on to talk about how he always wants to do the right thing even if it's difficult. Then he asked me about my son Winston.

I told him that Winston is doing okay, and hopefully he will have an easy life as his nanny said that a baby born at night during sleep time is destined to relax a lot and not have to work hard. "Ha ha, I was born at night..." he quipped. He is legendary for working hard and sleeping only 4 hours every day. Being a bit facetious, I wrote back, "It does not prove that my nanny's prediction is wrong, although she's got only a high school degree and never studied science. It only means that you are an exception."

Indeed, in many more ways than one, he is an exception. A totally exceptional leader. 

Twenty Years After Watching "Dead Poets Society"

If I have to name one movie that has influenced how I view life, it is "Dead Poets Society". More than two decades later, I still remember it fondly, and I still endorse its message. In fact, if anything, I endorse it more than before, as I now understand the nuance of the message.

It is no wonder that the young actors of the movie have since remained close friends, and in many ways, lived lives that are based on the message of the movie. It is no wonder that they identified to some extent with the characters they played, as they were also around 20 years old, just as I was, when I first watched the film in Beijing, utterly transfixed by it.

The other day, it was on TV, and I happened to have caught parts of it. If over twenty years ago I took away from the movie an excessively zealous message of "living life to the fullest to do something extraordinary", I now can see that Mr. Keating also advocates for a balance of daring and caution, a time for risk-taking and a time to retreat. Most importantly, he did not advocate being different for the sake of difference, or challenging authority for the sake of it, or even creativity for the sake of creativity. It is indeed about living your life deliberately, in a way that makes you feel most happy and fulfilled. Twenty years ago, I did not realize that - I thought that it was all about doing something great and being someone great. It turned out that I could not have been more wrong. It is about listening to others while thinking for yourself; it is about taking road less traveled because that really will make you happier; it is about staying cautious when your judgment tells you that you cannot afford a certain risk.

Overall, I now understand the movie much better. It is not telling us to treat everyone whom we consider pedestrian as if they were embodiment of Neil Perry's father. It is not telling us to abandon a more traditional path to pursue something wild - after all, even Neil made sure to get all As while preparing for the play. It is not telling us that we should do whatever we like, irrespective of the impact on others. It is simply telling us to do what we believe, when the only thing holding us back is our self doubt or fear of judgment by invisible people with no vested interest in us.

Yes, we should seize the day, even when we are 40 years old. Interestingly enough, I think the message of "carpe diem" is even more relevant for 40-year olds than 20-year olds. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Origin of Defensiveness


I have observed that the most defensive people often are at their MOST defensive in areas where they are actually weak or have self doubts, or they are to blame. But if you ask them, they will claim that they are most defensive because they are certain that they are right and everyone else is wrong.

All of us have moments of defensiveness. Sometimes we know that we were defensive moments later. Sometimes we don't know. Sometimes we still believe that we are right even afterwards, and it would take us months if not years later to realize that we were actually wrong.

Is it really because we feel so confident about ourselves that we get defensive about criticism? When I think about areas where I am absolutely confident, I realize that I don't get defensive in those areas. But I am not absolutely confident in many areas - I have a reasonable amount of confidence in several areas.

Indeed, we may get defensive about different things with different people, but the fundamental origin of defensiveness is the same. It is a sense of insecurity  - therefore subconsciously we take up a defensive position to protect our vulnerable egos. Had we had the confidence that accepting responsibility would only make us look better instead of worse, had we had the confidence that we can make ourselves understood with real dialogues, we would not have got defensive.

No wonder those who are less defensive are more successful at work, at home and in the society overall. It is a sign of maturity. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Thoughts on "Bringing Up Bebe"

I consider myself fairly open-minded and willing to hear others' advice, so I read "Bringing Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman on why French parenting is superior. She's a good writer and it's an entertaining read. So let's go down the list of where the French kids are better...

First, the French kids can sleep through the night by 3 months. Winston slept through the night by the time he was 3 months old, although he was still swaddled. When I took him out of the swaddle around 6 months, I trained him over one night when he cried a total of 18 minutes before he fell asleep in his crib. By that measure, I am meeting the French standard. But I really think that is because I successfully took care of his mild acid reflux and was willing to medicate him with Zantac. Apparently many American parents would rather deal with the colic than to "poison" their kids with drugs. By that measure, I seem to be parenting the French way! But really, I did not make any special "French" effort mentioned in the book to train Winston on his sleep.

Second, the French kids don't snack constantly and parents don't have to bring cheerios, candies and pretzels with them everywhere. I don't do that, mostly because Winston has no interest in sweets or snacks - is it possible that I have passed my genes associated with no interest in snacks to him?   At daycare they offer snacks in the morning, but he hardly ever touches the snacks. Unfortunately at lunch he does not eat much either at daycare, although he does eat much more at home. I know kids who eat much better than Winston at meal times, and the difference seems to be based on the physical constitution of the kids rather than the parenting style.

Third, the French kids can play by themselves instead of requiring constant company, either with parents or with other kids. Well, I must say that for the time being, I actually envy those kids who need constant company. My Winston can be happy playing with doors for hours of which I am not proud. I have since learned that it may be a cause for concern for autistic behaviors.  That is why I no longer allow him to do that, and try to engage him in interactive play.

Fourth, the French kids eat all kinds of vegetables. Given the fact that French daycare offer freshly cooked gourmet French food served in 3 courses without repeating a single vegetable in a week and that the French parents cook fresh 3-course meals every night for dinner, I would say that my Winston could eat many more varieties of food that way too. He often eats 2-day old leftovers that even I don't want to touch, and I have never had the time to do the French way of introducing new food by changing the way to cook it a dozen different times.

Lastly, the French mothers are much happier about their husbands and much more relaxed about parenting overall, by comparison to their American and British counterparts. Apparently the French mothers spend almost 90% more time than their husbands on childcare and housework, whereas the American mothers spend just 30% more time than their husbands. But the American mothers are constantly complaining about their husbands' lack of contribution and stressed out about raising kids. From reading this book, I can immediately see why. If we all have 30-hour work weeks and 50 days of vacation every year, we will have so much free time that we will not be resentfully noticing how we are doing more housework or childcare. In fact, complete idleness does not generate happiness. Also, if the daycare center where Winston is provides hot and fresh gourmet lunch every day and is visited weekly by a pediatrician and a child psychologist, I would never have worried about Winston's physical health or overall development. For one thing, I would not have to think so hard on what lunch to prepare for Winston, given that I have no interest in cooking and the nanny I have seems to have even less culinary skills than I do. The super-experienced teachers together with their dedicated pediatrician and child psychologist would have discovered his obsession with doors and perhaps figured out an early intervention plan before it became a cause for concern! If people around me don't talk about how difficult it is to get into good colleges or find a job in the increasingly competitive job market, I would not bother even thinking about which school he should attend and when I need to start enrolling him in classes.

In many aspects I do agree with "French parenting" as I too emphasize the importance of discipline and boundary, while paradoxically embracing the need to be constantly in tune with nuanced physical and emotional needs of the kid. Like the French, I believe that the only way to enforce discipline and establish authority is to not say too many "no"s all the time so that when you do, it really leaves an impression. I too believe that there is no need to catering to their conflicting demands and requests when I have a fairly accurate and intuitive read of them. I too believe that there is no need to do everything that is presumably good for the kids if it's too hard on the parents, including taking them on trips, having meals with them, or throwing them parties. Most importantly, I believe that we as parents need to figure out how our own kids are different from others in every aspect, so that we know what to do about them that may sometimes seem mainstream, but may seem at other times rather idiosyncratic or even outrageous.

Well, on the other hand, we don't live in France, and we don't benefit from a social context that provides so much for the kids and the parents while exerting so little pressure, both financial and emotional on parents. We can only be "French parents" if we live in France. 

Diet - Management - Parenting

A friend of mine mentioned Pamela Druckerman's book "Bringing Up Bebe" on the wisdom of French parenting. Given that we American/Chinese mothers are always feeling inadequate, no wonder there is a huge market for these books on parenting.

In today's America, there are several categories of books that seem to sell well, aside from the romance and mystery novels. One is diet books - since I am never on a diet, I can't tell you how many diet books there are out there. But I know for a fact that they often offer conflicting advice, which can only add more stress to the people who desperately want to lose weight. "Surely not everything can be right, so which one is better suited for me?" They ask themselves anxiously, and go on to try half a dozen of them, only to get even more stressed out that they have to resort to eating more in order to ease the anxiety. Then they gain weight, and look for another type of diet that may miraculously solve their problems.

Another category is business/management. Harvard Business Review regularly publishes articles to teach managers and executives on how to run an effective organization. If you go to the business section of a bookstore, you will be overwhelmed by how many management gurus there are in the world, all of whom best-selling authors. Some emphasize the importance of teamwork and management by consensus. Some advocate decisive leadership a la Steve Jobs. Some advocate a middle-ground - i.e. be decisive when you are sure but listen to people well beforehand, which to me is like saying nothing at all. There are more creative spins on management out there, such as describing Queen Elizabeth I as a great CEO and analyzing all her major actions as if she were running a business empire. Yet, despite the plethora of wisdom in this field, companies are not better run than before.

The third category is parenting books or books on parenting - these are two different kinds of books. The former refers to a boring step-by-step guide on what to do with your kids with respect of everything from burping to potty training. It's more like an encyclopedia, except that in parenting there seems to be many more different encyclopedias out there. The latter refers to books such as "Battle Hymns of a Tiger Mother" and "Bringing Up Bebe", which appeal to the perplexed and overworked parents who wonder why their kids still are not perfect despite their following those parenting books. Not surprisingly, we are not better parents or even happier parents because of the access to such abundant advice. Therefore, the market clamors for more. Any more twist on parenting? What if someone writes a book on "why the professors' kids are better kids?" Will that sell?

At the end of the day, I realize that the fundamental reason is that we feel a huge challenge and we want a quick answer or a one-size-fits-all solution. For people who grew up on an unhealthy diet without a habit of exercise, no diet is going to do the wonder unless the person starts eating healthy and exercising regularly. For those in management, reading books and learning from the experts is important, but the hard work comes afterwards in learning on the job, taking the time to figure out what works for you and your organization. For us parents, just the sheer magnitude of conflicting advice out there should be enough to remind us that each kid is different, and unless we spend the time and attention to figure out what works for our individual kid as he grows up, we will be forever searching for the magic recipe.

Nothing beats hard work and patience in solving a problem or addressing a challenge. Now - is that something we need to read in a book?