I have known this friend of mine since we were both just 18 years old. I recall distinctively the time when we became close friends. It was literally (as opposed to figuratively) overnight. As freshmen entering Peking University in 1989, we had to spend a whole year in military training at the “West Point” of China. We hated it with a passion, not least due to many ridiculous rules that only the military would institute. Our dorm building had to be guarded 24/7, and the two of us got the worst shift one night - 2-4 am. Since we could not sleep, and there were no enemies (or even pick-pockets) to fight, we ended up chatting. It was refreshing to meet someone who had a distinctively different mind from mine, and yet simultaneously extremely understandable from my perspective. Since then, we have been friends. It was right at the military academy that we said that we would go to San Francisco together after graduating from college. Of course, things did not go as we planned. Many things happened, but now, believe it or not, we both live in San Francisco Bay Area. In fact, our houses are 10 minutes apart by driving.
My first impression of her was that she was not like other girls, in that she was more relaxed, open and confident in a tomboyish way. Since I felt emotionally fragile as a teenager, I found her personality to be extremely compelling. Wouldn’t it be great to live with such confidence and not care about what others think, and still end up popular with lots of friends?
Years went by. She gave birth to a daughter 7 months before I gave birth to Winston. In the past few months, I have been talking to her ad nausea about my constant worry and fear related to Winston – even when he’s perfectly fine and happy, I will go on to a potential worry or fear. I told her and others that I really cannot imagine living on if anything bad happens to Winston. I do not delegate much when it comes to caring for Winston, and I fret over every little cry of his. I wish that I could be as relaxed and trusting as she is when it comes to having others take care of my child. But my paranoia makes it very hard, despite how hard she and others have tried to convince me to relax more. I simply find their words insufficient, since no one can guarantee that nothing bad will happen to little Winston.
Just today when we were chatting about stress in life, she said that she was terrified of losing her job, perhaps to the same degree as my fear regarding Winston’s welfare. She admitted that it’s really a kind of paranoia as well. Somehow, suddenly I understood her words to get me relaxed about Winston, because I understand my words to get her relaxed about her job, as well as the limit of their effects. I told her, “now I feel better.” She laughed and said, “well, everyone has a paranoia, so no one is better than others in that respect.” But I remained incredulous, “well, you and I have paranoia, but I don’t think many others do.” She said, “ that’s because you do not know others as well. Most people try very hard to hide their vulnerabilities and fears from others. You seem to be an exception to that rule though.”
So really, does everyone have an inexplicable or even debilitating paranoia?
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