Yesterday a friend came with her son for a play date with Winston. As we were chatting, she said that she was surprised to find out that some of the seemingly relaxed parents actually agonized as much as she did about which school to send their kids. Then it suddenly dawned on me what I heard from another friend - as we are entering middle age, we might be exhibiting some of the college behaviors in a different way.
In college, and especially academically competitive colleges, it was common for students to tell others that they hardly studied and partied like crazy, only to study like crazy behind doors. Reason? I guess most people want to feel good about themselves, and being appreciated and admired is one way. Peer recognition is a major force.
Now that we are parents, I often feel the pressure to "relax", as "so and so is really enjoying life and the kids and the kids have turned out just fine". Of course that only makes me feel less sure about myself as a mother, as surely I can't imagine being totally relaxed while Winston would just "turn out fine". As it turned out, he has had some issues that I caught early because I was vigilant, and some that I did not catch early enough because I was NOT vigilant enough!
Is it possible, however, that the force behind college students to deny they ever study is the same behind parents claiming that they are having a good time raising the kids, have no serious arguments at home, maintain a very functional household, all without much effort?
For one reason or another, I have never felt the need to claim that anything is easy. It is not because I am more secure about myself than others. I simply feel the need to tell others that I have studied hard, or that something is challenging, or that I have had a sleepless night, or that I fret over Winston's health, education or development. It is entirely possible that the way I talk does make other parents want to share their struggles with me, because I am certainly not pretending! Therefore, it is no wonder that Michael hears the opposite from others, because after all, who wants to look like that they are not handling it well without effort in front of someone whom they might think is quite judgmental?
In this competitive parenting culture, not only are parents subject to the pressure of making sure that we do their very best for their kids, we could often be compared to those who can seemingly do the best for their kids without effort, complaints or struggle at all. Of course if you get to know them better, you know that they don't have any bad intentions - they just want to look good in front of others, and feel good in front of others, which is utterly understandable. That is why they claim that they had great fun on vacation trips, even though they were sleep deprived and argued vehemently over petty things on the trip due to exhaustion. That is why they claim that they just let the kids do whatever they like even though they agonized over which school to send the kids.
Interestingly, both Michael and I were disdainful of TV before, and we hardly watched any shows. Recently I watched a few episodes of "Desperate Housewives" and "Sex and the City". Now that I have a kid and have experienced the challenge of a raising a kid, I actually could find some merit in those shows. In one episode of "Desperate Housewives", Lynette was having a breakdown due to the kids, and Susan and Bree came to comfort her and told her how much of a basket case they were when their kids were little. Lynette was like, "why didn't you guys tell me this before? I thought that everyone else except for me found it easy." In an episode of "Sex and the City", Charlotte and her first husband invited a married couple with three kids to dinner. Watching how the kids were misbehaving and the couple making nasty comments at each other at the dinner table made them have second thoughts about having a kid. After all, this couple was "so much in love with each other before", and "now they are just parents." Movies and TV shows are supposed to be fake, but sometimes I feel that they can be more real than reality because no real person's pride can be hurt by the brutal honesty displayed in the show.
We cannot change others, but we can change how we respond to the environment made of others. I thought to my days as a student, and tried to remember why it did not bother me at all to hear others claim that they did not study at all, whereas I did. I realized that it was because I did very well in my classes - that was what I cared about. If I did very well, I did not care if others did just as well due to less or more study. Right now, it is easy for me to be affected because raising a kid is like an ongoing exam that one can never ace. I can never be sure that I have done well. No parent can be sure, as it is a process as opposed to an end game.
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