The In-Laws

Years ago, a very irreverent friend of mine once told me a joke. He said, "do you know the difference between an in-law and an out-law?" After a pause, he smiled, "The outlaw is wanted." 

Indeed with the TV shows such as "Everyone Loves Raymond", we know that in-law troubles exist everywhere, and the only way to deal with them is to have a clear idea of what you want, and have a sense of humor about it.

I do think that the Chinese have a harder time in this case, because there is not a clear boundary between generations. After the kids have grown up and become adults (and even middle-aged adults), the parents still think that they can tell them what to do, and the kids should listen. I know that it's a hard habit to break, but I hope that when Winston grows up, I will not be like that. Of course, I hope that I will do good enough of a job so that he will be happy, healthy and financially independent so that there is no need for me to worry about his overall welfare.

What I have noticed is that many parents of our generation don't know what truly makes them happy. They often ask to spend time with their kids, and even insist on having the kids' spouses around, only to have more arguments during those gatherings. Understandably, they want to spend time with their kids and grandkids. But the kids' spouses? Sure, if people really enjoy spending time together, that's fine. I have seen some of my friends who enjoy talking to their mothers-in-law more than their own husbands! In those cases, the mothers-in-law are essentially their friends. When the spouse makes the effort to spend the time with the parents-in-law only to realize that there is no appreciation for such sacrifice, he/she will get resentful. After all, there are better ways to spend time than to just be around to listen to unwelcome comments!

Therefore, I have come to realize one thing that my very wise mother has told me. There is definitely a generation gap, even with the most enlightened parents. The parents of course care about their own kids, in which case these kids should try to spend some time with them. But do leave the spouses alone, unless there is a real need. And the real need does not include such things as a snide comment "oh families should be together." This way, everyone has his or her own space, and when there is not much sacrifice made by each party, there will be much less resentment.