Typical Chinese Parents

I have observed a lot of Chinese parents whose mere presence makes everyone around them very unhappy. Their grown-up kids are almost without exception quite unhappy with them, while feeling guilty about having such feelings. I have been wondering, if one is unlucky enough to have such parents or marry into a family with such parents, what should one do?

A friend of mine suggested open discussion and serious dialogue. Communication is always my favored approach, except that it requires the other party to cooperate and participate, instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it", or simply a passive-aggressive face that shows that no communication would be useful. I guess the bottom line is that they are so set in their ways and so convinced that they are right that eventually everyone will give up talking with them. Of course when everyone gives up, they hear no more serious challenge and therefore naturally believe that it means that they must be right.

I look at my own mother, and try to figure out her secrets. She is from an older generation and of course she has different views and opinions about many things. She also has different habits. So what is it that she does that is different from the other Chinese parents?

In the end, I realize that it can be summed up in one word - perspective. Without having to read any books or learn from any guru, she has developed the wisdom of life, which is different from both street smart and book smart.

Most Chinese parents lack perspective in a way that makes them look comical:

- They are often super stingy and save every penny, even though their boring lives could really benefit from some periodic indulgences, which may actually get them in a better mood than the one they are frequently in when they launch into another complaint about their kids. My mom is very thrifty and never wastes money, but she never spends time worrying about cost if she's getting something that she wants, as long as she can afford it. She never goes around and around to look for the best deals as she prefers to spend her time doing much more fun things, or gets upset if she finds out that she has bought something that she could have bought at a much lower price. In summary, she is the boss of her money, instead of the slave as many Chinese parents are.

- They volunteer to help their kids with the grandchildren and then accuse the kids of being ungrateful whenever there is any friction or disagreement. Indeed, taking care of babies is a lot of work. I certainly know that myself. I would certainly say "no thank you" if someone tells me openly, "well, I would like to help you with housework and childcare. The condition is that I can do or say whatever I like, and I am in general very disagreeable." In fact, that's what a lot of Chinese parents should have said to their kids during the discussion on such topics. Instead, they say nothing up front, and feel indignant if their kids fight with them just because of a few toxic comments. My mom is very clear that she and I have different opinions and different habits, and therefore she is only willing to help me in the first few months after Winston's birth or when Winston was in transition between nannies and daycare. She is very clear that only when she's happy can she be of help to me. In other words, she is very clear about what I most need from her - her happiness first, followed by her help, as otherwise her help would just be toxic burden for me. That shows that she truly cares for me, in that she does not project onto me what I should need, but what I truly need. Since she's thoroughly enjoying her life right now in Beijing, I also feel happy because of her. That is why I wonder why other Chinese parents are not doing what my mom does (i.e. just live their own lives and be happy so that everyone else can be happier). Instead, they make themselves unhappy by supporting their kids with childcare or financial assistance, all the while feeling even more unhappy.

- They seem to care too much about what others think, but as a result have paradoxically become even more selfish. It is always about "face". They do a lot of things because "otherwise so and so will be unhappy", or "otherwise what would people think of us?" As a result, they are super demanding and appear utterly selfish. My mom is truly independent in that she lives in a way that's best for her, and her happiness has enabled her to be more generous and giving. She does not care if she is considered "abnormal" if she has no interest eating out with some people or joining a party. She does not care if she does not do something that everyone else does. She does not care if people think that a divorced mother of two must be miserable. She does not care if others think that she is not doing something correctly. These other Chinese parents seem to care more about what others think than their own happiness. As a result, they are usually so unhappy that they have no capacity for love, consideration or forgiveness for their own family - they are too busy trying to cover up all the terrible things that they don't want others to see, without knowing that no one else pays that much attention to them.

I am truly grateful for having such a mother myself. She has taught me with her own example the importance of perspective. Unfortunately, I see around myself many people who are the unintentional products of their Chinese parents. And as we all know, old habits die hard.