Quite a few friends have told me that I ought to document my experience with Winston as he’s growing up, because I will seriously regret it later, when I don’t have anything at hand to refresh my memory. Videos and photos are necessary but still insufficient. While a picture is often worth a thousand words, pictures cannot capture thoughts and feelings.
In a discussion with a friend, we both lamented how our memories were not as sharp as before – is this the onset of middle-age (I rather dread the word)? Talking about fond memories, I brought up the old times when we used to go to this port in Rhode Island to buy freshly caught lobsters and crabs directly from the fishing boats. “I can’t remember the name of that place, “ I said. While it was such a trivial matter, somehow I felt that if I could remember the name of that port, then my memory might still be intact, and more importantly, those memories of the “good old time” might stay with me forever. I thought long and hard, and finally remembered, “It is Galilee!”
But my memory will get worse – it is a matter of life. So as I am writing this, what are some of the fond memories I still have that I do not want to forget? …
When I was about 10 or 11, the evening before Chinese New Year’s eve, I was playing soccer with a classmate. I never played soccer before that and I have not played again afterwards. I was having a lot of fun, and it was getting dark. Maybe if I think really hard, I might be able to remember what my friend was wearing at the time…I don’t know what happened to that friend after high-school.
When I was 12 and in middle school, I participated in the city-wide mathematics competition one Sunday. I felt that I did a great job (indeed I came in 9th in the whole city) and spent the rest of the day playing with my best friend. That evening, after a whole afternoon of fun, my best friend and were walking nearby her home. The peach blossoms were in full bloom by the street. My friend was much more daring than I was, and while no one was watching, she cut some branches from the tree and gave them to me, because I said how much I wanted to pick some and take them home. I was thrilled. I am still in touch with her, who is now dividing her time between Vancouver and Beijing.
When I was 16, I was an academic star at my high-school, participating in all these competitions in math, physics and chemistry. While I was perhaps getting the best grades, one boy in my class was constantly getting teachers’ attention by asking inquisitive and creative questions. He attracted my attention, because I felt that while he had not by that time, he might beat me one of these days in physics! I ended up paying a lot of attention to him and gradually developed a crush on him. We would go to the chemistry Olympic school (a special school to prepare for chemistry competitions) together after class. One evening after class, we biked home together, and right before we were about to part ways, he stopped and looked at me, and said something that made me blush. I cannot remember exactly what he said, because I was all nervous and excited at the time. But I do remember that his eyes were looking directly at me – a teenage boy’s clear, big and innocent eyes. I would toss and turn almost all night that night, delirious with happiness. I am no longer in touch with this high-school friend, but my mom (amazingly) still is!
When I was working at Genzyme (my first job after graduate school), Michael and I would take about 2 trips every year to New York City to visit friends. On one of those trips, we played cards until 2 am, and I remember Michael telling me as we got ready for bed, “oh it’s been so much fun. I can’t believe how much cards we played! ” He sounded like a little kid that could not contain his excitement after getting a great birthday present. I am still in touch with these friends, who still live in New York! But I don’t think it’s possible for us to play cards until 2 am any more, as they now have kids!
Around the same time, we would go to Rhode Island to visit a friend. We would go to Galilee to buy crabs and lobsters directly from the fishing boats, and then steam them at her house. It was incredibly fun, and of course we would play cards afterwards. – That was in the summer. In the winter, she and I went skiing together. That was when I led her down a blue trail, with her falling every step of the way down the hill! It was hilarious and unforgettable. I am still in touch with this friend, who now lives in the UK after a stint of 3 years in Beijing. In fact, in recent years, I have seen her more often than friends living on the east coast!
On Friday, April 13, 2007, the day when the initial financing closed on the company I started from scratch a year before, I went to lunch with a friend at a local Rubio’s in La Jolla. It was so sunny and beautiful, the air fragrant with the smell of spring. He was giving me some advice and suggestions about the company, and I was listening, digesting and fully enjoying the ice tea and the fish tacos!
And of course, Winston’s big hearty laugh at anything that he found ridiculously funny at the time…
And there are more…
Looking back, I realize that these fond memories of mine are not even significant moments. Surely I had amazing fun on my vacation trips with Michael to so many places like England, France, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, China, Southeast Asia, Taiwan, Australia, Italy, Spain, Prague/Vienna, not to mention numerous National Parks in the United States. Surely I was ecstatic when I was admitted to Harvard in 1992 from China. Surely I was happy on my wedding day. Surely I was happy to have received offers from McKinsey and BCG, being so naïve and ignorant about business in general back then. Surely I was thrilled more because of the close of financing on my startup company than the leisure lunch at Rubio’s afterwards. And surely my heart was filled with joy at the first sight of Winston.
But somehow, those big events are not among the sweet memories defining a past that with time has looked even sweeter. Maybe life is indeed all about the little things. Does it mean at our deathbeds, all that flash in front of our eyes are seemingly trivial moments of our lives?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Revisiting "The Hours"
The first time I watched the movie “The Hours”, I was struck by what Clarissa Vaughn said when she was reminiscing about her youth.
Now, almost 6 years later, I think I understand it even better:
“ I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.”
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sickness and Health
My poor little boy is now suffering from a bad cold! – I feel like telling everyone about it. I can’t bear to see mucus running out of his little nostrils like rivers – it must be so uncomfortable for him, as he does not know how to blow his nose. Poor Winston – I keep thinking about it and want to tell everyone about how bad it is.
However, even I realize that I will not get much sympathy from others. “What is the big deal, if it’s just a cold? It will be good for him, as it will help build up his immune system.”
Sure enough, before I even thought of bringing it up, a friend told me that her twins are both suffering from stomach flu. Another friend's son is throwing up constantly. My sister-in-law and her son are just recovering from a week-long cold. My colleague told me that her two daughters were getting sick almost weekly when they were little!
People have told me that I had better get used to Winston’ catching diseases, since it will happen quite often with kids, especially after they start attending daycare or school. Then it occurred to me that this is another sign that life becomes a full circle – in the beginning babies get sick easily and catch all kinds of viruses, but presumably this is how their immune system gets strengthened, so there is a silver lining to it. At the end of people’s lives, they also get sick easily and catch all kinds of germs and viruses as well as develop other disorders, but their health keeps getting weaker and weaker.
I recall asking my mother when I was very little what defined “happiness”. She answered, “well, I think happiness is when everyone is healthy.” – I recall being very disappointed in that answer, as I was hoping for some profound answer to that question. “If that means happiness, I should be happy all the time, since I rarely get sick. But I am not happy all the time!” – I thought to myself.
Little did I know how right my mother was. How I wish that my son could grow up without experiencing all kinds of illnesses! I want only health and no sickness for him. I see how unrealistic that is, and I also see that this wish of mine is probably another sign of my being an overprotective mother.
Ah, it is really hard not to spoil one’s child – I never realized how hard it was until now.
However, even I realize that I will not get much sympathy from others. “What is the big deal, if it’s just a cold? It will be good for him, as it will help build up his immune system.”
Sure enough, before I even thought of bringing it up, a friend told me that her twins are both suffering from stomach flu. Another friend's son is throwing up constantly. My sister-in-law and her son are just recovering from a week-long cold. My colleague told me that her two daughters were getting sick almost weekly when they were little!
People have told me that I had better get used to Winston’ catching diseases, since it will happen quite often with kids, especially after they start attending daycare or school. Then it occurred to me that this is another sign that life becomes a full circle – in the beginning babies get sick easily and catch all kinds of viruses, but presumably this is how their immune system gets strengthened, so there is a silver lining to it. At the end of people’s lives, they also get sick easily and catch all kinds of germs and viruses as well as develop other disorders, but their health keeps getting weaker and weaker.
I recall asking my mother when I was very little what defined “happiness”. She answered, “well, I think happiness is when everyone is healthy.” – I recall being very disappointed in that answer, as I was hoping for some profound answer to that question. “If that means happiness, I should be happy all the time, since I rarely get sick. But I am not happy all the time!” – I thought to myself.
Little did I know how right my mother was. How I wish that my son could grow up without experiencing all kinds of illnesses! I want only health and no sickness for him. I see how unrealistic that is, and I also see that this wish of mine is probably another sign of my being an overprotective mother.
Ah, it is really hard not to spoil one’s child – I never realized how hard it was until now.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Life is a Full Circle
The other day, I had some email exchange with a friend whose parents and parents-in-law have taken turns in having some health problems. She mentioned that she dreaded the day when they would need assisted living, as her mother-in-law’s mother had Alzheimer’s and the last two years of her life turned out to be a nightmarish experience for those taking care of her.
I could not help wondering that the human life is perhaps a full circle after all, as I wrote her back. In the beginning, they have little consciousness, are entirely dependent, can't communicate, have no bladder control, and are entirely self-centered, but they are so cute and they change for the better every day. At the end of people's lives, they also have little consciousness, are entirely dependent, can't communicate easily either, often suffer from incontinence, and often become very self-centered, but they are not cute at all and they change for the worse almost every day.
We have all once been cute babies full of life and promise, and we all will one day become old, annoying and useless, if we are fortunate enough to live a long life. Too bad that life cannot begin with promise and end with promise as well, or is it precisely the reason behind various faiths promising another life starting exactly at the end of this worldly life? We all started out with promise, and we all want to end with promise as well. Whether or not we can believe that is a different story.
I could not help wondering that the human life is perhaps a full circle after all, as I wrote her back. In the beginning, they have little consciousness, are entirely dependent, can't communicate, have no bladder control, and are entirely self-centered, but they are so cute and they change for the better every day. At the end of people's lives, they also have little consciousness, are entirely dependent, can't communicate easily either, often suffer from incontinence, and often become very self-centered, but they are not cute at all and they change for the worse almost every day.
We have all once been cute babies full of life and promise, and we all will one day become old, annoying and useless, if we are fortunate enough to live a long life. Too bad that life cannot begin with promise and end with promise as well, or is it precisely the reason behind various faiths promising another life starting exactly at the end of this worldly life? We all started out with promise, and we all want to end with promise as well. Whether or not we can believe that is a different story.
When It Rains, It Pours
While I hardly ever watch any talk shows, I consider myself a fan of Conan O’Brien, perhaps partly because he was a fellow Harvard alum. But more importantly, it is because he really is not only funny but also very smart. It is therefore no wonder that I consider NBC’s decision to push out Conan to accommodate Jay Leno not only downright stupid, but also absolutely unfair. When will the old people leave or retire gracefully to leave room for the younger generation? How come we don’t see any more George Washington’s type today?
The weather in California has been rather depressing lately, with pouring rain accompanied by thunders and lightening. Tina Fey quipped at the Golden Globe ceremony when it was raining cats and dogs, “It is not raining. It is God crying for NBC.”
Indeed, don’t we always feel that when it rains, it pours? – No pun intended, but surely there have been a lot of bad news, besides Conan getting replaced by Jay Leno. This morning, the stock market went down dramatically presumably due to some bad earnings as well as the Chinese government tightening credit to control inflation. The special senate election in Massachusetts, which I had assumed to be a safe seat for the Democratic Party, was won by the Republican candidate in the end. Ted Kennedy is probably turning in his grave now, as it would be hard for him to believe that this state could possibly vote a Republican to replace his senate seat! Perhaps Massachusetts is not so liberal as people believe. Politics turns out to be very personal for people, in that people vote for rather personal reasons. People voted for Ted Kennedy because he was a Kennedy first and foremost, as opposed to a Democrat.
This morning, Michael and I drove to the Stanford Faculty Club to have breakfast together in this pouring rain. The traffic was slow and I was questioning my unwise decision to pick today to drive such a long distance to have breakfast. I am not a graduate student any more, and free breakfasts (even if they are great ones) certainly do not hold enough appeal for me to brave a rainstorm. However, I love the idea of doing something that’s not part of the daily routine. Although the heavy rain made it very hard for me to appreciate the scenery by the 280 freeway, I still found the drive soothing.
The Stanford Faculty Club is nothing compared to the lavish Harvard Faculty Club, but I loved the feel of its coziness. I was giddy like a kid when I was putting spinaches, mushrooms and bacon onto my plate and pouring myself a hot decaf coffee with lots and lots of cream. Somehow, it felt like such a treat. While we did not talk to others there, the fact that we were eating breakfast in the vicinity of these Stanford professors made me feel that in some obscure way I am rubbing off some of their intellectual minds.
On the drive back from Stanford, it was still raining and it was still gray, but I had my radio blasting out dance music, and I was happy as a bird. Yes, indeed when it rains, it often pours. But even when it’s pouring outside, we can always find something that makes us happy or keeps us engaged. As I am writing this, I am getting ready to go home to see Winston. Every time I think of him, I can’t help but smile, because he is so adorable and so funny, and he’s completely oblivious to it all!
The weather in California has been rather depressing lately, with pouring rain accompanied by thunders and lightening. Tina Fey quipped at the Golden Globe ceremony when it was raining cats and dogs, “It is not raining. It is God crying for NBC.”
Indeed, don’t we always feel that when it rains, it pours? – No pun intended, but surely there have been a lot of bad news, besides Conan getting replaced by Jay Leno. This morning, the stock market went down dramatically presumably due to some bad earnings as well as the Chinese government tightening credit to control inflation. The special senate election in Massachusetts, which I had assumed to be a safe seat for the Democratic Party, was won by the Republican candidate in the end. Ted Kennedy is probably turning in his grave now, as it would be hard for him to believe that this state could possibly vote a Republican to replace his senate seat! Perhaps Massachusetts is not so liberal as people believe. Politics turns out to be very personal for people, in that people vote for rather personal reasons. People voted for Ted Kennedy because he was a Kennedy first and foremost, as opposed to a Democrat.
This morning, Michael and I drove to the Stanford Faculty Club to have breakfast together in this pouring rain. The traffic was slow and I was questioning my unwise decision to pick today to drive such a long distance to have breakfast. I am not a graduate student any more, and free breakfasts (even if they are great ones) certainly do not hold enough appeal for me to brave a rainstorm. However, I love the idea of doing something that’s not part of the daily routine. Although the heavy rain made it very hard for me to appreciate the scenery by the 280 freeway, I still found the drive soothing.
The Stanford Faculty Club is nothing compared to the lavish Harvard Faculty Club, but I loved the feel of its coziness. I was giddy like a kid when I was putting spinaches, mushrooms and bacon onto my plate and pouring myself a hot decaf coffee with lots and lots of cream. Somehow, it felt like such a treat. While we did not talk to others there, the fact that we were eating breakfast in the vicinity of these Stanford professors made me feel that in some obscure way I am rubbing off some of their intellectual minds.
On the drive back from Stanford, it was still raining and it was still gray, but I had my radio blasting out dance music, and I was happy as a bird. Yes, indeed when it rains, it often pours. But even when it’s pouring outside, we can always find something that makes us happy or keeps us engaged. As I am writing this, I am getting ready to go home to see Winston. Every time I think of him, I can’t help but smile, because he is so adorable and so funny, and he’s completely oblivious to it all!
Monday, January 11, 2010
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