Lucky Me

My mom has been here to help me with Winston for a month by now, and will be here for another month. While many people I know have troubled relationships with their parents, I have been most fortunate in having a great one with my mom, largely due to her.

I am perhaps overall more exact and demanding on many aspects of childcare and housework. That is a territory that usually creates the most conflicts. Many of my friends complain about their parents or parents-in-law for being either too demanding, too old-fashioned, too nagging, or too un-yielding in their own ways to the point that they are effectively a destructive and annoying presence, especially when they play the "guilt" card (i.e. we raised you and therefore how can you treat us like this, etc, etc). One of my friends once jokingly said to me, "most Chinese grandparents create trouble or misery for their kids, even though they think they are not. My parents don't, because they know never to voice opinions on my household matters or childcare, and that makes them perhaps the top 10 percentile of the Chinese grandparents. Your mother not only does not create any headache for you, she does everything better than you could ask for and all, and even help alleviate the mental stress in your life. That makes her the top 1 percentile of the grandparents."

Indeed on that front, I have been very lucky. I can't imagine what life would have been like this past month without my mom being here to help take care of a sick Winston meticulously (and in many ways even better than I have, which I cannot say about anyone else), while cooking nice meals (she thinks that we don't eat well enough) and keeping the house clean and tidy. Except for when Winston is sleeping, my mom never rests. And most importantly, during this month of constant sickness of Winston (he went through a bad cold, a thrush and a most nerve-racking case of obsessively chewing the inside of his mouth as an aftermath of thrush), she's been providing a ton of emotional support and sharing her wisdom on life.

When I told my mom that my friend considers her the top 1 percentile of the parents of our generation, she characteristically dismissed it as impossible. She has no idea how many people in our generation are miserable because of the parents! :)

The Occupy

I might be one of the least informed people in America. It was not until after a friend of mine in Boston who mentioned the Occupy did I look up the web to see what it was all about.

As a PhD student at Harvard, she has been observing the Occupy and listening to the various lectures given there. With her characteristically confessional style, she wrote, "Having been an "elite" all my life, I have found it hard to admit that I have failed on multiple fronts in the past few years. However, a populist movement like "Occupy" makes me realize that people with failures not only must work hard to win victory in the end, but also must realize that in fact, this is an experience shared by 99% of the people. There is nothing shameful about it; instead that's why we need each other's "solidarity." And most importantly, these social standards of success and failure should not influence personal relationships, which are built on totally different parameters of commitment, understanding, and selflessness."

We human beings like to measure everything. There is always a 99 percentile in every measurement. I find it interesting that the Occupy is a big thing at Harvard, whereas here at Stanford I don't see anything. Is it possible that the Stanford students are fancying themselves to start the next wave of Facebook, Google and Apple that they would never consider the possibility of themselves being part of the 99%?

I am not proud of myself when it comes political involvement. I find it too frustrating to get involved. On the one hand, I abhor the callousness of the Republican agenda, and lament how effective they have preyed on the fears, bias and insecurity of the poor Americans to vote for a party that actually never will take care of them. On the other hand, I am dismayed at the ineffectiveness of government, as well as the widespread abuse of various welfare programs. The finances are getting bankrupt, first and foremost by the unnecessary wars, and then by the bleeding programs that take care of people who have never and will never generate a positive return on these investments from the government. Not that I have any great solution, but every time I am frustrated by politics, I think of Winston Churchill's quote, "One way to turn you against democracy is to talk to a few people on the street." Indeed - people care about their own personal welfare TODAY, instead of what is right, fair and good for the long run. No wonder the officials they elect can only implement policies that cater to the short-term desires or paranoia of the people. I support taking care of the poor and implementing programs to lift them out of poverty. Ironically, the cheap solution is to give them checks, whereas the expensive solution is to provide the means to help those who want to gain a skill and get a job do so. But we all see inefficiency and sometimes ineptitude at all levels and branches of government.

Then I thought, " if the top 1% of the country would choose government service instead of being turned away by politics, we should have much better policy-making and policy-implementation, and that in turn will be best for 99% of the population."

Given that human beings are not naturally selfless, I am effectively proposing something that will never get done - make the government the best paying jobs so that we will have the best performing government to best serve 99% of the population.

One Day

I wish that I were still reading books. But I am a slow reader, and as a result I try to watch a movie adaption if I have any interest in a book. The other day, I watched the movie "One Day" based on David Nicholls' novel of the same title. It chronicles the lives of two people over a span of 20 years, on the same day every year - July 15. The predictable element is that the two people were destined to be together finally after many twists and turns of events, but eventually it was not a fairy tale of "they then live happily ever after". I found the movie rather light and even sometimes a bit tedious. Yet on the other hand, I found myself drawn to it, only partly because of Anne Hathaway's wonderful British accent. Then it occurred to me - it was in a way much closer to real life than most of those Hollywood romantic comedies.

In fact, I just have to reference what the literary critics wrote about the book, in order to explain why I bothered to watch the whole movie from beginning to end. John O'Connell writes, "For, in spite of its comic gloss, One Day is really about loneliness and the casual savagery of fate; the tragic gap between youthful aspiration and the compromises that we end up tolerating. Not for nothing has Nicholls said that it was inspired by Thomas Hardy."

Yes, "One Day" may be a love story, but it’s no fairytale, as it portrays the dark side of growing up, the disillusionment, regrets and random cruelty of life.

According to Jonathan Coe, "It's rare to find a novel which ranges over the recent past with such authority, and even rarer to find one in which the two leading characters are drawn with such solidity, such painful fidelity, to real life."

A Serial Entrepreneur

A college friend was in town for business and dropped by for a visit. He is a serial entrepreneur. The first company was a success. The second one was a failure. Now he is on his third. He met his wife at his first start-up company. Then they tried to do the second startup together. As is well-known in the entrepreneurial world, one should never do a startup with the spouse, because either the company will fail, or the marriage will, and most likely, both will. Unfortunately in his case, both did. Now he bounced back with his third startup, which seems to be doing really well on all fronts.

When we chatted, I noticed that his mind would always go back to his company. We could be chatting about life and other people, and then he would look at his iPhone, and said, "this is what happens. If I am away on a plane, the minute I get off, I will have 200 emails waiting for me." Or he would ask about the competency of my former CFO. Or he would summarize the number of customers he had already got. In a way, for someone who's not in his field and very much IT illiterate, I have to say that it was a bit too much for me.

Then it occurred to me that I was probably just like that myself. What is euphemistically described as singular focus and dedication at work could very well be considered obsession in social settings.

40 Under 40

Today I noticed that Michael's sister's husband has been selected as one of the "40 under 40" in the silicon valley - the up and coming rising stars across industries and disciplines - http://www.bizjournals.com/sanjose/news/2011/11/30/40-under-40-kevin-zwick.html. I just think that is so utterly cool. His line of work is very much foreign to me, but still, it sounds fantastic.

I remember that back in 2002 when I first joined Syrrx, the founder Nathaniel David had just been selected as one of the TR 100 - the top 100 innovators in 2002 under the age of 35 by MIT Technology Review. As an MIT alum, I automatically get Technology Review. They have since changed it to TR 35, presumably because they don't think they want to extend the honor to 100 people instead of just 35. You know that you are a nerd if you recognize more people on TR 35 than "40 under 40".

Right now, I am just lamenting that I have lost the chance to be on anyone of those lists since I have already turned 40 this year. So much for lack of opportunity to showcase my vanity, of which I have plenty.

But presumably, now I am no longer considered young and inexperienced!

The Luxury of Vanity

Earlier today, a friend of mine had a quick chat with me, and mentioned that due to the fact that they could not refinance their home right now, she could not go out and furnish their house nicely and buy a great wardrobe. She honestly added that it was perhaps not important after all, and as usual, she added some self-criticism, "it might be due to my insecurity about not looking good in front of others."

I thought to myself - I have not bothered to nicely furnish the house or to buy new clothes for as long as I can remember - which was right before Winston's birth. But does it reflect a sense of security or lack of vanity on my part? Actually, no. It is really only because I have had no mental or physical bandwidth to even worry about those things.

When another friend in Boston wrote me to complain about work and challenge of raising a teenage daughter, we had a conversation on mid-life crisis. She asked me if I had any sense of mid-life crisis. I wrote back, and tried to be funny - not exactly my area of strength.

"I totally feel like I am in a middle-age crisis, except that I don't have the curiosity for a fancy car, an affair, or an exotic adventure.

I just want a regular, boring, and reliable Japanese car in which I can drive without worrying about whether there is enough electricity left to go to the destination (Michael bought this all electric Nissan Leaf and it can only go for about 80 miles on one charge - mind you, there is no gas station on the way where you can gas up so i have to calculate and plan well ahead of time and it takes overnight to charge it up). BTW, I drove that electric car into the bushes right in front of Winston's daycare center, ruining the bushes and knocking off a post, making me a notorious mother at this Stanford daycare center - I was previously utterly obscure in that circle.

I just want a husband who makes plenty of money to provide security and does all the housework plus at least half of childcare, while having to work at most five days a week (instead of at least 80 hours a week), and utterly devoted to his wife, because he wisely knows that "anyone I think that may be better for me out there is definitely going to be much worse than my wife".

I just want to have a peaceful routine life without any trips that require planning and extra work, in which Winston is always happy, healthy and developmentally on track and normal (none of these sicknesses, allergies, or obsessions with a certain pattern of playing that make me wonder if he's developing early OCD), and Michael and I do not argue over utterly petty things while resorting to big and lofty principles in the arguments."

So there, I probably have more vanity than my friend, but I have not had the luxury to showcase it! :)

You need a wife!

The other day, a friend from my Boston years called. We had not been in touch for many years, but once in a while we would talk on the phone. After she graduated from music school in Boston, she auditioned around and got a position at Syracuse Orchestra.

At Harvard, I had the impression that almost everyone except for me had studied a musical instrument. The famous Yo Yo Ma lived in my dorm when he was a student there. Many fellow students had a real passion and appreciation for music, and for the instrument they learned to play. When asked why they were pursuing the more generic career paths instead of music, I was told that it was extremely difficult to make a living as a musician. That was when I realized that instead of feeling sorry for the orchestra members who seemed to have the thankless job of supporting a soloist such as Sarah Chang or Midori, I ought to feel really happy for them, for they went through auditions where they were picked out of hundreds!

Therefore, I knew that my friend was a very good violist - in fact she was an exceptional violist. She grew up in a musical family, where her parents taught at Shenyang Conservatory of Music, where the piano prodigy Lang Lang was trained. She said that she truly loved music, and she was most happy when she was playing. In Syracuse, she met a Chinese scientist working for a pharmaceutical company and got married. They had a son. That was the last I heard from her.

This time, she had moved to Indiana, as her husband got a new job at another company. Syracuse Orchestra closed its doors soon after she left, mostly due to lack of financial support in this economy. She has been auditioning around, but has not found a permanent position yet. She feels frustrated for lack of a professional circle where she could express herself. She has a part-time position at the local orchestra and is also teaching at the university nearby. But that is not enough for her. She talked about how she thought that after turning thirty years old, life would be easy and straight-forward. Instead it has turned out to be more stressful. She has had frequent fights with her husband, all over trivial things. After all, what other things would there be to fight about between a couple?

While we were talking, we felt that we could almost finish each other's sentence. Despite our age difference (she's 7 years younger), personality difference (she's much more outgoing), and professional difference (I am as musically illiterate as she is scientifically illiterate), we share something in common. We are not contented in just making a living and raising kids. That lack of satisfaction makes us more irritable than perhaps other women, and in general reduces the level of happiness. She has truly found her calling in music, and I thought that I had truly found my calling in my entrepreneurial creativity. We love what we have chosen to do, but the odds are stacked against us to do them. She said that many orchestras closed shop this past year due to lack of donations and lower attendance, understandably due to the poor economy. In my case, pessimistic investors have made it hard to start new things in the biotech world, especially since it's much more capital intensive than their IT counterparts.

I recall another conversation I had over email with another friend, who comes from an old academic family in China. Her grandfather co-wrote the standard organic chemistry textbook for university students together with my great aunt. She went to Stuyvesant, Barnard and then Stanford Medical School. Then she decided that she did not want to practice medicine any more, so she went to Harvard Business School and joined the business world. Now she's a venture capitalist, who just moved back to Shanghai. She just got married, and we had the sweetest conversation over email. She said that many of her friends felt that they were raising their kids alone, and that somehow "having it all" was perceived as nearly impossible. She still was determined to have it all, but she acknowledged that after all these conversations, perhaps it was not possible to do everything at the same time. My own personal experience of having Winston at the time when my first company was in a critical stage while Michael was launching a very stressful tenure track career as a faculty member proved that it was perhaps possible to have it all, but at enormous cost.

I sometimes get a bit upset when I read about the bios of my peers in the industry. Often after they describe their professional achievement, they would write something like "married to a great woman with 3 amazing kids". I can't write something like that myself, because I don't have a stay-home husband. Neither can Michael, because he does not have a stay-home wife. And one kid has already stretched us thin, while others seem to blithely juggle three - because there is always a stay-home spouse. We have all come to acknowledge that one cannot outsource "raising a child" to nannies and housekeepers or even grandparents, as the results have turned out to be disastrous or even heart-breaking. A friend once told me, "what you need is not a nanny. You need a wife."

So there - for the professional women who possess talent for something they love, or at least think that they possess the talent - what they need is something they will never get - a wife, who is a true mother to the kids, a real champion of her career, a supportive partner to her in life, staying in a shadow. Those of us who are not lesbians will never get that. So we should just have a glass of wine, laugh about it, and move on.

I promised that I would give my violist friend another call, as Winston interrupted our phone conversation. That type of interruption never occurred in our lives before kids. Somehow I found that rather symbolic.

Steve Jobs

It was perhaps not unexpected that there would be an outpouring of tributes to Steve Jobs upon his death. However, I do find it surprising that in China he is literally a cult figure. Tributes to him are everywhere, including subway stations. People address him as "cult leader Jobs". Considering that he was not into discussing anything but products and technology and he was never a "China lover", I am intrigued that he would have a fanatic religious following in China.

Gradually it occurred to me that perhaps people in China viewed him as someone bigger than life, who could only happen once in a century. In a rapidly developing country where change makes people dizzy and it's hard to hang onto any belief, someone larger in life could naturally fill that spiritual void. While "most men live a life of quiet desperation" (and especially so in a country where many aspects of life are still state-controlled), Steve Jobs defiantly refused to do so. In a business world where the 80/20 rule absolutely rules, he remained true to perfectionism and succeeded.

George Bernard Shaw said, " The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

Steve Jobs was an unreasonable man. He was a great man. In China where there is no reigning deity, he is considered too unreasonable and too great to have been a mere human being.

More on Peter Hessler

When I wrote about Peter Hessler yesterday, I had not actually realized that he just became a MacArthur Fellow as of two days ago! What's more - I read that he is going to the Middle East and he's planning to stay there for about five or six years. He and his wife (who also wrote about China, and who graduated from Harvard) just had twin daughters. And now they will be moving to the Middle East!

He is listed as a "long form journalist" instead of a journalist or a writer on the MacArthur Foundation website. Indeed, he is different from Nicholas Kristof, who really WAS a jounalist based in Beijing reporting for the New York Times, although Kristof and his wife Sheryl WuDunn also wrote several books together. What makes Peter Hessler's books fascinating is the incredibly detailed and personal narrative guided by an amazingly objective and informed mind. He does not agree with the stereotypical Americans on their view of China, but he totally understands where they come from. He also does not agree with the stereotypical Chinese on their view of America, but again he totally understands where they come from. And he often can crystallize his observations in language that seems utterly creative - indeed that's why he's been selected as a MacArthur Fellow!

I see that he's always going where others perhaps have not gone for one reason or another. If he wants to bring his signature narrative to write about the dangerous and tumultuous Middle East and learn Arabic as he learned to speak Chinese well, it is a daunting task. After all, it is a much more dangerous area with bombs going off occasionally.

Still, I guess this is where his passion lies. And it's great that his work is his passion.

The Art of Reinvention

As I lay in my sick bed (well, yes it's just a canker sore but it felt very painful), I read a lot and watched some movies. Considering that my friend pressured me again to have Winston give it a try in showbiz, I could not help but wondering about the ruthless nature of the show business. Most people who give it a try don't make it. And even those who make it may disappear after a while. Many of the child stars turned out badly, with Jodie Foster and Natalie Portman among the minority of child actors transforming into great actors when they grew up.

Somehow I thought of the Chinese actresses. "The Soong Sisters" was a movie I liked very much, partly because of the melodramatic nature and partly because it's got all these stars, with Maggie Cheung, Michelle Yeoh and Vivian Wu playing each of the three sisters. Now in their 40s, they are still active actresses, but none of them is married with kids. Regardless of what they say in interviews, I know that being single AND childless is not exactly a great state for a woman. And to some extent, I kind of feel that their acting careers have also reached as high as it could have ever reached. Wouldn't they feel a panic right now?

Then I thought of two other Taiwan-born Chinese actresses Brigitte Lin and Sylvia Chang, who are about a decade older than the aforementioned actresses. Somehow when I think of the two of them, I feel an invisible positive force lifting my spirit up. Then I realized that it is because their lives have been one of constant reinvention, which makes what's in the future infinitely more interesting than what's in the past, despite how glamorous the past might have been.

Brigitte Lin was discovered when she was 17, and started playing the herione in the numerous movies and TV series adapted from Qiong Yao's sappy novels. Qiong Yao is very much the Danielle Steele in Chinese rated PG, and she was very well versed in classical Chinese poetry. Her novels read very beautifully, the girls (they were always girls instead of women) were always utterly beautiful and innocent, the boys dashing and romantic, and the boys' mothers inevitably evil and beyond help. Brigitte Lin played numerous such characters and became a personal friend of the author, but was burnt out by both work and love, so she took a break and went to the US. After she returned to Taiwan, the movie industry there was in distress. There were no more decent roles for her. She packed her bags, moved to Hong Kong, learned Cantonese and became the leading action star of Hong Kong cinema. She retired at the age of 40 to marry a rich business man, had two daughters, and recently wrote a highly acclaimed memoir. Now that the daughters are slightly older, she is back in the public life, and is focused on her writing. From what I heard, she writes very well.

Sylvia Chang was a much more defiant character. She refused to conform to a lot of the studio rules at the time, and perhaps it had cost her somewhat. She went through tumultuous relationships, and eventually had a son whom she adores. She still acts in both Chinese and American films, but she is much more of a director now. I greatly enjoyed her films such as "Xiao Yu", "Tonight nobody goes home", and "Tempting Heart". She's incredibly confident, funny and capable. Unlike other actresses, she did not have to obsess over hanging onto her youthful looks (although to this day she looks young and beautiful for her age), because she has successfully reinvented herself. She has moved on with the times, as has Brigitte Lin.

The key difference between these two actresses and the others is that they did not let their past successes deter them from reaching new heights and redefining themselves. The past, while glamorous and successful, was the past, and to hang onto the past would be akin to trying not to age or die, neither of which is possible. Instead, they have gone through constant reinvention of themselves, and always much more forward instead of backward. They achieved stardom very young and went through passionate love affairs. Then they decided to have kids and be great and devoted mothers. Then they moved onto a new professional challenge that's not dependent on youthful looks, instead of lamenting on how beautiful they once were in their youth. Maybe other actresses ought to look at their examples.

Indeed when I think about myself, I guess I ought to learn a thing or two from them about reinvention as well. Each one of us goes through phases in our lives. For one reason or another, perhaps we are more concentrated on one thing. If that one thing becomes a success, the fear of losing that success could hinder our vision in seeing what else is possible. Instead, perhaps what I am doing is a phase of my life right now. Indeed the economic times are hard, which makes entrepreneurial effort particularly hard. But my son is just a toddler and perhaps also at the peak of his cuteness, so I am spending more time than the busiest professional women in the world on raising him, entertaining him and educating him, especially since Michael needs to concentrate on his career and often works 7 days a week as well as pulling all-nighters all the time. If circumstances change, I will make changes accordingly. Going with the flow does not mean not taking one's life into one's own hands, but rather to enjoy each moment and maximize the benefit offered by each phase.

A Heavenly Creature

The other day, my friend was here in Palo Alto for a play date. She commented on how long Winston's eyelashes were, and then said for the nth time, "you really should enter him into some modelling contests." Knowing how biased parents are and I am no exception, I answered for the nth time, "well, every parent thinks that the kids are really cute. And there are probably tons of really cute kids out there." She disagreed, "No I don't think so. I have rarely seen one so cute."

That brought to mind another weekend morning when I took him to the park nearby Palo Alto Junior Museum and Zoo. I ran into a Chinese father of two boys who were also speaking Chinese. It turned out that he's a professor at Stanford as well and the younger son goes to the same Stanford daycare center. After we exchanged such small talk, he said, "your son really is good-looking. Look at those bright eyes!" - I did not take him seriously, since lots of people offer such compliments. Then two days later, I was stopped by a mother who was picking up her son at the same daycare center, "this is Winston, right? My husband said that he ran into you guys in the park." Winston is that memorable!

Obviously not all cute kids will grow up to look really great. But perhaps right now Winston is at the peak of his looks. When I look at him, I do often gasp at how incredibly cute he is. I almost feel like quoting most inappropriately what Elizabeth I said when she learned of her accession to the throne, "it is the Lord's doing and it is marvelous!" Indeed he is almost a heavenly creature.

Winston after flu shot

Peter Hessler

I recently finished reading Peter Hessler's "Oracle Bones" and loved it. Now I am reading his third book "Country Driving". He's now back in the United States after spending several years living and writing in China. He has insight that no other journalists or writers possess into the Chinese psyche. I can't wait until he writes another book.

Often I feel like that while I have a different perspective looking at America from most of the Chinese, and a different perspective looking at China from most of the Chinese. But that sense of loneliness is utterly dispelled by Peter Hessler's writing, which is poignant, perceptive, insightful and incredibly balanced. I could sense his compassion and humanity throughout his writing, and yet at the same time he's done a heroic job of not falling into any emotional frenzy or cheap sentimentality.

After a Minor Illness

Maybe people who enjoy great health have the least tolerance for any minor illness. I don't have any allergies - just a minor cold would knock me out because of th stuffy nose. I don't have any headaches or other minor illnesses. That is why I almost stop functioning when I have a canker sore.

Interestingly, I distinctively remember the last time I had a canker sore. It was back in 2000 around Christmas time. It was so painful that I saw two different doctors. All the people at work knew about it because I would tell everyone. This time, I also went to see a doctor after reading online, only to get scared about all kinds of possibilities such as salivary gland stones, oral cancer or whatever. Of course the doctor said that I did not have cancer, and refused to give me any antibiotics either, since she said that it was just a canker sore that required no antibiotics or antiviral medication. She said that I must have bitten myself in my sleep. "But I have a headache!" - I reminded her, as I really do have a headache associated with this canker sore. So maybe it is not a canker sore but rather something more serious? She dismissed me and prescribed some cream with steroid to help with the inflammation.

When I am just suffering from a canker sore, I can particularly appreciate good health, which obviously I take for granted completely. The other day, I had lunch with a friend at the Genentech cafeteria, and I commented that it was such a big waste of resources to label each dish with the number of calories. If they had not done that, perhaps the dishes would be cheaper. Besides, everyone can tell roughly whether something carries more fat and calories than other food. My friend protested, "that is because you have no idea what it is like to try to lose weight. It is really hard, and without counting it is impossible." I shut up afterwards. Indeed what perhaps comes easy to us or what we take for granted are rather difficult or unapproachable by others. Therefore, we should never take any good fortune for granted, as if we ourselves are the sole reason for earning them, be it health, youth, success, kids, family, love, friendship, etc. We are just lucky.

To be alive is to be lucky. To be alive and healthy is particularly lucky. I definitely don't want to go through life only to look back and regret that I have not noticed a lot of things. I recall a brief conversation I had with my friend Ying, in that we talked about why both of us wanted to pursue something academic. She crystallized the origin, "It is perhaps the only way for one to feel some kind of immortality, in that your work outlives you and can still have an impact." In other words, there is a sense of legacy.

I recall that the Chinese architect and poet Lin Huiyin mentioned that life was just meant to experience. She wanted to experience everything, and so in a way she did. When the Japanese invaded China, like other scholars, she and her family fled west. Her son later asked her what she would do if the Japanese got to where she lived, she said, "well, there is always a way out for Chinese scholars (meaning suicide)." Her son was shocked and perhaps felt a bit neglected, "well, what about us then?" She smiled and said, "well, I would not be able to do much about you in that case." While she was a stunning beauty as well as an extraordinarily talented and creative poet, she was also a very serious scholar and architect. Her son and daughter later talked about their mother being very different from how she was perceived by others. They remembered her as being constantly sick (she had tuberculosis which flared up on and off until he death from it at the age of 51), as well as often cranky largely due to her sickness. John Fairbanks and his wife Wilma Fairbanks were best friends with her and her husband Liang Sicheng. Wilma Fairbanks wrote a book "Liang and Lin".

Sometimes when I think about my career change, I wonder about my wish to have some kind of "legacy" with what I do, which partly defines me. Now that I have Winston, like other parents, I have a legacy in my son. But I can't live vicariously through him, and neither will he want me to when he grows up. My identity beyond being Winston's mother has to extend beyond that legacy. Business by definition is impermanent, transient and fickle. I will have to think about it...

After Reading a Times Article

I read with great interest the Times reporter Clifford Levy's article "My Family's Experiment in Extreme Schooling" (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/my-familys-experiment-in-extreme-schooling.html?_r=1&hpw). He talked about putting his three kids into a Russian school when they did not even speak Russian at the time. Needless to say, they were utterly miserable. Fast forward 5 years, they loved the school so much, doing well academically and socialized with the other kids as if they were Russian.

It reminds me of my childhood friend Marianne Mavrakis, whose parents taught French at Peking University for several years. I think our friendship started around the age of 7. She and her older sister were going to a school where most of the foreigners' kids attended. Back in the early 1980s, there were so few foreigners living in Beijing that there was no need for international schools. Nowadays in major cities like Beijing and Shanghai, international schools of all kinds grow like mushrooms. You can choose to go to any kind. Marianne spoke Chinese without a trace of accent. When I went to her place, she did all the translation, since her parents could not really communicate in Chinese. It's interesting how a child only pays attention to what interests her. I remember a lot of things Marianne and I did together. But I remember nothing about her father. The only memory I have of her mother from that period is the fact that she could bake really good apple pies, which I insisted getting a piece before going off to play with Marianne every time I get to their apartment. And the only memory I have of her sister Eve from that period is one time we hid underneath the bed and Eve came into the room looking for us and getting frustrated, to our great amusement. I was very sad when Marianne returned to France after her parents' assignment was finished. A few years later, she came to visit me for a summer, and she could no longer speak Chinese. Her sister Eve who's a few years older, still could speak very good Chinese. She too was in Beijing that summer, and had grown into a stunning beauty. That's the year when she perhaps got introduced to the movie industry, as Bernado Bertolucci was filming "The Last Emperor" in Beijing. Eve became an assistant to him. Later on, she worked as a production designer and met her future husband Ewan MacGregor. I attended Marianne's wedding in Carpentras in the south of France - but unfortunately have since lost touch with her again. By then, even her sister Eve had forgotten most of her Chinese.

One of my former investors who is living in Shanghai told me that it would be really sad if Winston does not grow up to speak perfect Chinese. He's an American business man who has decided to invest in China and raise his two boys to speak both English and Chinese perfectly. I suppose our own line of work render us biased in terms of what's most important. In his line of work, a perfect understanding of Chinese language and culture is something one cannot get at school, and yet of utmost importance. For a Chinese friend of mine who works at Google, she said that she could not understand the importance of teaching Chinese to the kids. Instead, she thinks that social skills are really important because she feels that it's an area of weakness for her. Michael of course predictably emphasizes science. As for me, I suppose that the chance of Winston following my footsteps or Michael's footsteps is very slim. But it will be wonderful to grow up exposed to dramatically different cultures, and to be completely Chinese in front of the Chinese, and completely American in front of the Americans.

Michael has not got tenure yet. When he does (I hope that he will), I am thinking that he should take his sabbatical either in China or somewhere in Europe. This way, all of us including Winston will be utterly immersed in a totally different culture for an extended period of time, instead of just a short vacation trip.

A Foreigner from Birth

Winston does not like going to his daycare center.

In the morning, when I come downstairs after a shower, he would notice me and say "I am not going to school", because that is exactly when I am getting ready to take him to daycare center.

When I ask him in a teasing way, "do you want Sabrina", "do you want Ms. Ashlee", "do you want Molly", he would say "no", since all these people are from daycare.But if I ask "do you want Abby" (my friend's daughter who's just a few months older), he would say "yes", because the only time he sees her is on weekends when he does not have to go to school.

This past weekend, I decided to take him to Palo Alto Junior Museum and Zoo. In the morning when I put him in the car seat, he said, "I don't want to go to school." I started driving, and instead of turning onto Stanford Avenue, I decided to drive by his school. He noticed that immediately, and started complaining, "no, no. I want to go that way. I don't want to go to school." By the time we got to the school, he was already quiet and resigned, thinking that it was another school day. But I drove by, and asked him to say "bye bye, school!" which he readily did.

Nowadays whenever he is with me, he talks non-stop even when he's just playing by himself. No wonder he prefers not to go to school since no one understands him. Just the other morning, one of his classmates told the teacher, "Winston is from China!" - Obviously he was saying something in Chinese that no one understood!

When he speaks English, he has a Chinese accent. But when he speaks Chinese, he has an American accent. His classmates think that he's from China, but he's never even been to China! Is he going to remain a foreigner everywhere?

A "Scholarly" Exchange

A friend of mine Ying is a documentary filmmaker as well as a scholar of Chinese documentary films. I just read an interview she gave about her research at http://dgeneratefilms.com/academia/cinematalk-interview-with-ying-qian-of-harvard/. It took me a long time, because I did not know most of the subject matter of the films she mentioned. In addition, I do find the academic language hard to digest.

After reading it, I wrote her an email:

"I read the interview online you forwarded me, and it took me a while, partly because I don't know or have not seen any of the documentary films mentioned in the interview. From googling them and reading a little about them, I have found most of the subjects of these documenatary films to be rather heavy stuff - i.e. it kind of gets to you. I think perhaps I have an escapist attitude in that I intentionally do not watch any films that might get to me - e.g. I stay clear of all films by Jiang Zhangke, after watching "The World" which really depressed me. I also try to stay clear of Wang Xiaoshuai's films after watching "Beijing Bicycles" which also depressed me. Life is heavy enough that the most intellectual type of entertainment I am willing to try are Woody Allen's films.

But of course these documentary films are not meant to entertain - they are meant to educate and inform. I admire people who make it a living, because such heavy subject matter must also get to them as well - and in fact, if they did not care, they would not have made the films.

At the same time, I also wonder if perhaps this is a rather dangerous way of living, in that Iris Chang poured her passion into her work, and she was eventually consumed (literally) by her work. Of course in the end it's her depression that took her life, but look at what she was doing for a living - I don't think anyone in her shoes could have avoided depression.

Overall, i think most people (myself included) are really just chickens. We can't really look life in the eye and see for what it is. We need to believe in some kind of adult fairy tales, even if we know that they are not true. We want to believe that life is beautiful, because anything else would have been too hard to bear. And these documentary films (just by subject matter alone since I have seen none of them) tell the reality as it is, and perhaps too many of us simply don't have the courage to see the reality.

I can watch tragic films if they feel remote and impossible, and yet simultaneously approachable."

She wrote me back, and I found her perspective rather interesting and informative:

"Dear Sofie,

Thank you for taking the interview so seriously and reading about the films that it had mentioned. I agree with you that these filmmakers tackle very heavy stuff, but I think they tackle these topics, not because they are brave, but because they actually cannot escape the harsh reality living in China. In China, "real" filmmakers who have got lots of funding make blockbusters--these films are even worse than the Hollywood counterpart. They are fantasies through and through. These filmmakers have an additional incentive to escape reality--the fact that they can live such an easy life and make these films has to do with their willingness to cooperate with the state government, to paint a bright picture of a society that is far less from being bright.

Independent and documentary filmakers are a bunch of "losers"--honestly. They don't have the priviledged backgrounds that can get them normal success in the Chinese society. They live in that harsh reality they portray in their work. Or, even if they might have the capital to get successful and rich in the society, they might have some family grievances behind them, that they cannot rest in peace with the society. So portraying the pain of the society is often not a choice, but a necessity. Jia Zhangke has changed his filmmaking priorities considerably after he went from underground to above the ground, i.e. after his anguish went away due to improved conditions of work and living.

On another note, I think journalism in general has to look at the heavy side of society; and documentary cinema is part of journalism; even though they are more in-depth and may not follow the most up-to-date news items. So I suppose besides emotional anguish, there is also a professional mandate. They are like doctors fighting cancers of the society.

Iris Chang is a different case, however. I think there is a way to study a catastrophe without being totally emotionally sucked in. Iris Chang had a naivete about her, a naivete shared by many Asian Americans who grew up in a sympathetic, peaceful, and affluent America. This naivete, I believe, was what made her work on Nanjing a bit limited scholarly, being too much of a victim narrative; it also made her susceptible to the fervor of nationalism and fierce identification with the victims. A more seasoned researcher into the Nanjing massaccre would know that massacres had happened throughout human history; they were a staple of war and conquest. Not that the researcher must be cold-hearted towards the victims, but s/he would know that rendering the massacre as a horror story would not help. The world has heard many horror stories, and that has not stopped wars (Susan Sontag has a great essay on this topic, about the ineffectiveness of horror images to stop wars--US pulling out of the Vietnam War might be an exception, but the pull out only partially had to do with the demonstrations). The researcher must understand the mechanics of massacre, down to the most bureaucratic and practical level (as Hannah Arendt said, the evil is the most mundane), in order to know how we can prevent it from happening again.

I think we need both fairtales and reality to survive this world (and have our kids survive it too). I don't think Winston could understand the world's evils -- war, famine, climate change, illness... And it's better that he doesn't. But as adults we all have to shoulder realities. Your companies design drugs to fight disease--that's a big part of reality too. And only when we are in touch with realities can we really have the capacity to vote ..."

Chinese Version of Real Life "Mean Girls"

The other day, I had lunch with a friend of mine from my class in chemistry at Peking University. There were about 10 girls in our class from Beijing, and we noticed that 70% have been through a divorce by now. The percentage is much higher than any other groups we know.

We started discussing why, by analyzing the differences. How were they different from girls in our class from other provinces? How were they different from girls in the biology department who are also from Beijing? Finally I realized that effectively it was a Chinese version of real-life "Mean Girls".

It was all about what was considered "cool". To study hard and plan for a future? - Totally not cool. To find someone who may be a compatible husband? - Absolutely unromantic. To take things seriously? - So boring. Going with one's feelings of the moment was celebrated as the "cool" thing to do, and so was taking an irreverent attitude to any conventional pursuits. Interestingly, the front-runners in this pack (i.e. perhaps the Rachel McAdams equivalent) were finished with this "cool" phase soon after graduation from college. They got married without thinking too much, perhaps due to that irreverent attitude. But they divorced quickly, grew up, finally learned what their nagging and boring parents had been telling them all along - in their own circuitous way - found compatible and responsible husbands, focused on keeping a stable job and devoted themselves to the family life. The others who went through a divorce much later are not as fortunate.

Indeed there is a good argument to be made for "arranged marriages", although in our modern times it will never work. While we can try our best to teach our kids to keep in mind what matters most based on our own experience, chances are that they will have to learn those lessons through their own painful experiences, their own trials and errors, and according to their own timelines. Yes it might be agonizing for us parents to watch, but we perhaps have to let things take their own courses. Approval from their peers will at one point become even more important than approval from their parents. Besides, how else do they get a feeling that they have "grown up" and become "independent thinkers" except for to do what the parents told them not to? Unless we teach them to not think for themselves, chances are that their first few attempts at independent thinking will be wrong.

I may sound like that I am mentally prepared for Winston's mistakes. But I do shudder at the thought of any new versions of "Mean Girls" that might involve Winston. I guess it will be called "Mean Boys" instead.

The Age of Innocence

Now that I have been working in the business world for a few years, I know that people take "maturity" and "experience" very seriously. One might think that there are some objective criteria for "maturity", when in fact often people go by a first impression. An executive that is "inscrutable" is often considered mature, in that he/she does not reveal his emotions or thoughts and is never too happy or too upset. Those who react immediately or respond spontaneously are definitely too green for the treacherous business world.

Interestingly, what I find most lovable about Winston is how he is utterly transparent with his emotions, thinking and needs. If he gets something he wants, he is so ecstatic that he will jump up and down. If I tell him that he could have some of his favorite cereal, he runs to his high chair and climbs up and waits eagerly with those big eyes for the cereal to show up. If he gets pushed by another kid, he is immediately upset and often crying with big tears rolling down his chubby cheeks. He does not just wear his emotions on his sleeves - he reveals everything he feels and thinks without any pretense. He is at an age of innocence, when innocence is rewarded as opposed to punished.

Driving Dangerously

Michael is into all the new gadgets whereas I am all about being a "fast-follower" - true to my philosophy in small molecule drug discovery, I never like the idea of adopting a novel device.

But now that we have a Nissan Leaf, I have to drive it, since Michael either bikes or takes the shuttle to his office, which is about 1 mile away on campus. This morning, as I read that there were 72 miles left, I figured that it was enough for me to drive to San Mateo to have lunch with a friend, with a stop on the way to do some shopping.

The minute I started driving towards the freeway, I noticed that I already lost 5 miles, when I certainly had not driven more than one mile. By the time I got to 101 southbound, I only had 55 miles left! Of course I did not dare to make a shopping stop, and went straight to San Mateo, making sure that I did not brake suddenly or accelerate fast. It was reading 26 miles when I finally pulled into a garage in downtown San Mateo. How could I get home? I called Michael, who told me that in Redwood City there is a Nissan deal where I can charge the car before coming home. I asked him to email me the directions.

When I finished lunch with my friend, I started gingerly driving the car, making sure that I was the smoothest car on the street. By the time I got on the freeway, I never went above 60 mph, making the grandmas on the freeway all too impatient for me. And I could not find the exit that Michael wrote in his directions. Needless to say, I could not afford the electricity to search for a Nissan dealer, so I decided to gamble on it and drive home. I was holding my breath all the way until I reached the intersection between Embarcadero and El Camino Real, by which time it was reading still 13 miles. Yes, I would definitely be able to drive this car home to be charged. This car is driving me nuts!

I miss the good old car which I can refuel almost anywhere. I think we can only take so much risk in our lives. With my startup effort, to some extent I already "live dangerously". I don't want to "drive dangerously" as well...

The Talent of Ang Lee

I have been a fan of Ang Lee's films, but I had never really paused to think what kind of director he is, until I saw "Lust Caution" for the second time.

Perhaps no film directors would like to be branded, just as actors do not like to be typecast. Still, I believe that each director has a certain talent that gets best leveraged in a specific category of films. No one is talented at everything, although often when people become successful, the most they want to do is to venture out into new horizons and prove to the world that they can do new things - which often leads to dismal failures. Perhaps that is why Margaret Mitchell did not write another book after "Gone With the Wind" and why Qian Zhongshu did not write another novel after "The Fortress".

My beloved Chinese director Zhang Yimou had a talent for portraying the repressed and ignored ordinary people struggling at the bottom of the Chinese society in the 20th century. He was absolutely phenomenal. When he decided to branch into other territories and eras with "Hero", "Curse of the Golden Flowers" and "House of Flying Daggers", he lost many of his admirers including myself.

Woody Allen in recent years has moved his movies out of New York to London, Paris and Barcelona, but he has remained in his comfort zone - i.e. relationships of neurotic intellectuals. Therefore, I love him still dearly!

Ang Lee has made such a wide range of films, in both Chinese and English. I do not love everyone of his films, but I love most of them. When I saw "Lust Caution" for the second time, it finally dawned on me where his talent lies. That also explains why some movies are better than others.

His talent is to portray viscerally - more so than anyone else - feelings of melancholy and regret, in either a tragedy or a comedy. "The Wedding Banquet" was a hilarious comedy, but it ended appropriately on a melancholy note. "Eat Drink Man Woman" was a comedy with many bitter-sweet moments. "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" showcases his talent at its very best. While the movie was full of actions and humor, the audience was drawn to the sense of loss felt by almost everyone in the movie. Even "Sense and Sensibility" ended with Marianne showing resignation and Willoughby showing regrets at the end, although the wedding revealed a happy bride in Marianne as expected.

Maybe that is why his movies feel so close and personal. When we experience melancholy or feel regrets, it is often a most private moment when we are most vulnerable.

How Much Is Your Brain Worth?

The other day, I saw "Good Will Hunting" again on TV, which brought back a lot of memories of Harvard and Boston. At one point, Will Hunting's love interest, Skylar, who was attending Harvard, made fun of herself by saying that her brain would be "worth over $250K" in the end, referring to the total cost of her private school education. With inflation, if the movie were made today, she would have said "half a million dollars" instead!

While Will Hunting is a fictional genius who did not have to go to school to be better educated than the Ivy Leaguers, we all have read about Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropping out of Harvard to start Microsoft and Facebook. A friend of mine was invited to a conference at Harvard recently, and his fellow panelists were encouraging the student audience to "believe in themselves and live out their dreams". When it was his turn to speak, he said, "you may think you might be the next Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg, but chances are that you are not. Therefore, don't drop out of Harvard, as your hard-working middle-class parents invested all that money into giving you the best education. You can't just quit, do some crazy startup, and when things don't work out, go back to your parents' safety haven. That is not fair to the parents." I was highly amused to hear his rather unusual speech, or shall I say, a speech that is unusual for a conference, but perhaps all too common for a private conversation between a kid and his parents?

Because I received a full scholarship to attend Harvard, and graduate school is free for natural sciences anyways, my brain really is not worth much money at all. I grew up in China during the destitute years. In fact, I think the amount of money I have paid in nannies and daycare centers for Winston has already exceeded the entire amount that has cost my mom to raise me until I left China. Of course, that is not a fair comparison. But it did make me wonder - with all the heavy investment in schools, tutors, extracurricular activities, will I be able to make Winston a better and happier person than I have been?

Equality vs. Sameness

As a woman, I am naturally interested in the debates on women's rights. As an immigrant Chinese, I am naturally vested in the discussions regarding minorities. Interestingly, when I was growing up in China, I never thought of either topic for two different reasons. I never thought there was an issue for women, because the prevailing propaganda was all about "women holding up half of the sky" and there was no mention of prejudice against women in the society. In addition, I never heard of stay-home mothers when I was growing up. I never thought there was any prejudice against minorities, because I was the majority and therefore never noticed anything. In fact, if anything, I thought that the minorities in China were getting much better deals because they could get into schools with lower scores than the general public. Only when I became sort of a minority did I understand how it feels to be a minority - we often cannot think from others' perspectives because we really do not know from personal experience what it feels like to be in their shoes.

When I first came to this country, I was baffled by many things I saw. There were so many stay-home mothers, which would suggest that China was more advanced in the feminist movement than the US. On the other hand, the girls I met at Harvard were much more free-spirited and bold than the Chinese girls I knew before. While in China there are no girls-only schools, there are a lot here in the US. When I looked closer at these women's colleges such as Wellesley, I realized that the girls often grew up to be more out-spoken and confident than those from co-ed institutions, including of course Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Albright. The endless discussion and debates on feminist movement, women's rights and how to balance career and family as a woman would sometimes seem a bit too much. I gradually understood that the China where I grew up tried to institute a notion of "sameness" between the two genders, when in fact there was far less gender equality. Here in the US, many of the ongoing discussions are precisely about the difference between equality and sameness. One of the mistakes that the radical feminists made was to push for sameness instead of equality. The two genders have not been the same, and will never be the same. B

Recently a friend came to visit from out of town. We had lunch, followed by a leisurely walk through the woods at the nearby Foothills Park. We had not talked much since Winston's birth, as she has been immersed in building her academic career while I have been learning (often unsuccessfully) how to best raise Winston while having a career. She's been enormously successful in her research, and has received many awards and distinctions. While her research field is in biology, she was a physics major in college, graduating top of her class from a leading university in Canada and decided to make a switch to biology in graduate school. I heard of her even when I was in middle school, as she was winning math and physics competitions from that early on in Beijing. I often describe her to others as perhaps the smartest woman I know. How many people can switch to a knowledge-intensive field such as biology after college and be extremely successful?

That description makes me realize that inherently even those who whole-heartedly push for women's rights and equality view women as different from men. Does it mean that she is the smarted woman I know but not the smartest person I know? Or does it mean that she should be compared to women first and then the population at large? In the end, I realize that my categorization of her is the result of a combination of factors. First, she is after all one of the few women I know who have pursued a most rigorous and challenging academic career, while I know plenty of men in that circle. That alone makes her truly stand out. Second, I do think that the psychological environment for an ambitious woman is much tougher than that for a man, because a man can have a couple of kids while building up a career while a woman cannot, at least not in the most intense period of her professional life. Therefore, in order for a woman to achieve equal distinction and success, it takes either more work or higher IQ, or a combination of both. After all, women are not the same as men. There may be policies in Sweden mandating fathers to take paternity leave, but in the rest of the world, men are going back to work the day after their wives give birth. And those men will always stay ahead of women who have kids, if they are equally smart, hardworking and lucky.

Double Standards

I have read with great interest and admiration Peter Hessler's book "River Town" as well his New Yorker articles on China. He first went to China as a Peace Corps volunteer to teach English in a small town and subsequently stayed there for years to write about China, with a very good understanding of China. He wrote in one of his articles that one thing that vexed him tremendously is that a Caucasion (with a Chinese name Da Shan) could become a celebrity in China solely because he could speak Chinese with almost no accent, while having no other skills. In the US, it would be the equivalent of a Chinese person speaking English without accent - which of course does not catch anyone's attention.

Today I received as part of a mass mail an email announcement of someone joining a big investment bank as their head of China pharma in equity research. This guy was a Harvard undergrad, who went on to get a MD/PhD, followed by a brief stint at McKinsey and another even briefer stint as a junior business development person at a small biotech company. I met him because he reached out to me to seek career advice, since he spent several years of his childhood in China, when his parents were teaching English there. Therefore, he has an interest in Chinese life science industry. I first talked to him on the phone for an hour, and then I agreed to meet him for coffee for another hour or so. He was well-spoken and friendly but was prone to exaggerated flattery. His movement from one company to another was so fast and frequent that he asked to meet again for career advice and more introductions for him to meet the "movers and shakers" of the industry. I found that a bit egregious and hence did not respond. He did a few months of independent consulting. In this email announcement, he said that the demand for his advice and expertise was so strong that he found himself traveling as much as when he was at McKinsey. Since his wife is expecting now, they want to move to Asia, and he was glad to receive the offer from this top-notch investment bank. While making the announcement for his new position, he wrote a full paragraph complete with bullet points illustrating his few months of independent consulting as nothing but astounding success. It seems a bit baffling to dwell so much on his few months of consulting, during which period he asked for introductions to companies or people who might want to hire him. But then I realized the motive behind it - he wanted to broadcast that he never wanted to look for a job but this job came begging for him.

To be honest, I don't have a high opinion of equity research in general. No one can make money from the stock market by following equity research. Still, it is a highly lucrative position which in this economy must have been coveted by many. I could not help but think of Peter Hessler's complaint.

Since I have met him and talked to this guy, I know about his rudimentary knowledge of the pharmaceutical industry and his limited understanding of Chinese life science circle . I also heard him speak Chinese, which is better than those who learned Chinese in school here in the US, but nowhere near the level of proficiency to conduct business discussions in Chinese. Sure he has a good resume with good schools, high degrees and an interesting upbringing, but clearly that's not sufficient for a position that presumably represents the "expert opinion" of a major bank on a fast-growing sector in perhaps the most fascinating country for now - China.

Many Chinese people I know complain about the double standard set up for the Chinese or Asian immigrants in general, in that they have to work twice as hard and achieve twice as much to gain the same level of recognition. I have always felt ambivalent about these complaints, in that there are good reasons for many people in this camp to not gain the recognition they deserve for various reasons, including lack of leadership potential or interpersonal skills. However, just as I cannot deny the validity of the feminist movement in general, I cannot deny the double standard that does exist for Asians, especially those recent immigrants who cannot speak English well.

On the other hand, it is the Chinese people in China that launched the celebrity career of Da Shan simply because he is a Caucasian Canadian who speaks Chinese without much of an accent. It is so rare to see someone like Da Shan that the Chinese are enamored and flattered - so they showered him with admiration and adoration.

Talking about this guy I know, I guess his English is better than those US-trained Chinese professionals while his Chinese is better than most of his fellow Americans. His position could have easily been given to a Chinese professional educated in the US. But alas, for a US-trained Chinese professional, his/her English will be compared to Americans/Brits, and his/her Chinese will be compared to the those who have never left China, in which case he/she loses on both comparisons.

Yes, the double standards do exist for the Chinese, but they have themselves to blame as well.

A Sunday Party

On Sunday we went to a party at a friend's place. Almost all the people there were her fellow classmates from the biology department of Peking University. As I was an undergraduate in the chemistry department for two years before transferring to Harvard, I did not know most of them very well. Still, at least we went to the same military academy for a whole year of military training before starting as freshmen at Peking University, which from hindsight was a year with misguided goals but unintended benefits. It made many of us perhaps a little stronger and more irreverent - the former definitely a virtue and the latter perhaps not so much.

Most of the graduates from Peking University at the time would go onto graduate schools in the US, with very few exceptions. Interestingly, the few exceptions often are most exceptional. One of the girls YL from the biology department worked for a few years in China before starting her own trading company, making millions. I did not know her well before, and after almost twenty years, I could barely recognize her. Still, I could immediately tell that she is smart, capable and shrewd and has a very mature view towards business in general. In other words, the millions she has made is not the only benefit of her entrepreneurial effort. In an ever-changing environment such as China, she has learned to navigate the ambiguities, the changes, and the inconsistencies that would drive most people mad, and emerge a successful businesswoman.

We had a great time chatting about the old times, as well as how things have changed between the US and China. Previously, it would make sense to make money in the US and then retire in China. Now that China is such a wild wild west, for those with both the brains and the guts, it makes sense to make the millions in China and then retire in the US. This woman for example is trying to immigrate to the US through the investment route, as the US government is currently encouraging immigration through investment in the US economy. Indeed, except for labor which is still cheaper in China, almost everything of comparable quality is more expensive in China than in the US. While it is extraordinarily challenging to do business in China, it is possible if one is smart, diligent, persistent and lucky. The land of opportunities is China.

Those of us living in Bay Area lamented how it is challenging to raise kids amidst such wealth around them. YL talked about visiting the poor countryside of Guizhou in China, where the kids could not even afford the $1 per day in living expense to go to middle school. When she and others donated the money to these kids, they held the envelopes with tears rolling down their cheeks. That's the kind of poverty that exists in China just a few hundred miles from some prosperous cities where young people all have iPhones. We talked about taking our kids to visit such places, when they are old enough to understand, or when they start complaining why they cannot have a big house like their friends, etc etc.

"Happiness" is always a topic among the middle-class and the rich. Frequently, it is because of lack of perspective that people grow unhappy. Indeed when we witness with our own eyes the kind of poverty permeating through the world, we cannot help but feel the insignificance of our own complaints. Previously whenever I hear people say that they are content with what they have because there are millions in the world starving to death, I often sense that is an excuse for one's lack of motivation or aspiration. Now that I am older, I am beginning to realize that "balance" is a magic word. If only we could combine the perfect balance of deep appreciation for what we have, while aspiring to achieve more and more, we would be both happy and accomplished. After all, only when we achieve more can we have more impact on this society to make it a better place.

If Obama Had Read More of Machiavelli

Like many others, I was once enamored with President Barack Obama's promise. And like many others, I have grown more and more tired of his conciliatory approach aimed to appease his enemies only to embolden them. As Maureen Dowd wrote eloquently in the New York Times recently, " He thinks he’s doing the right things to crawl out of W.’s mudslide, but he ends up being castigated by the right as a socialist, by the left as a conservative, and by the middle as wobbly."

I have lost my interest in following the events in Washington DC for a while. But as I read "What Happened to Obama?" by Drew Westen (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/07/opinion/sunday/what-happened-to-obamas-passion.html), I realized that indeed no one could really not care.

As Westen wrote, "The president is fond of referring to “the arc of history,” paraphrasing the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous statement that “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” But with his deep-seated aversion to conflict and his profound failure to understand bully dynamics — in which conciliation is always the wrong course of action, because bullies perceive it as weakness and just punch harder the next time — he has broken that arc and has likely bent it backward for at least a generation. "

And at the end of the article, he lamented, "But the arc of history does not bend toward justice through capitulation cast as compromise. It does not bend when 400 people control more of the wealth than 150 million of their fellow Americans. It does not bend when the average middle-class family has seen its income stagnate over the last 30 years while the richest 1 percent has seen its income rise astronomically. It does not bend when we cut the fixed incomes of our parents and grandparents so hedge fund managers can keep their 15 percent tax rates. It does not bend when only one side in negotiations between workers and their bosses is allowed representation. And it does not bend when, as political scientists have shown, it is not public opinion but the opinions of the wealthy that predict the votes of the Senate. The arc of history can bend only so far before it breaks. "

FDR once proudly stated in public that he knew he had incurred the wrath of many millionaires and yet he was unapologetic. The irony of democracy is that one has to be popular enough to get elected, and then does not care about popularity so much that he ends up being crippled and impotent.

More and more, I realize that perhaps, just perhaps, the right balance for a politician in this country is to adopt the bi-partisan, eloquent and compassionate rhetoric of Barack Obama when running for President and then once in office, be completely ruthless in pursuing the right mission without fear of creating enemies. After all, the enemies were already there and never intended to be converted to friends. Not recognizing a lost cause is either a sign of stupidity or naivete. Indeed no one loves confrontation or battles, but a demonstration of fear of confrontation is usually the best way to invite even more belligerent confrontations.

It all sounds so Machiavellian - and come to think of it, indeed it's taken us over 2000 years to once again understand that politics remains the same as before - just less bloody in the literal sense. Obama's fault might as well have been due to his naive notion and supreme arrogance that somehow he could transcend human nature.

The Possible Culprit for Winston's Allergy

The other day, I was chatting with a friend of mine on the phone. When I mentioned that there seemed to be so many more cases of food allergies, he said that he had a theory about it. " It is the adjuvant in all these vaccines that are getting stronger and stronger." Immediately I could see the validity of this hypothesis.

Indeed the adjuvant was there to make the body mount an immune response to the dead virus in the vaccine, but likely at the same time the body might be encountering something new in the environment, such as pollen, or a new food such as eggs, seafood or nuts. Of course, there was never going to be any serious study on how strong the adjuvant should be in these vaccines.

This friend just lost his beloved uncle to a botched surgery. Apparently, this uncle enjoyed very robust health for over 70 years. When he had to undergo surgery, he did not take matters into his own hands by checking out on the surgeon. He essentially let everything be decided for him. My friend said that his practice was to educate himself on all health related matters - reading into the fine prints of all drugs, including the clinical trial results, before deciding to take a certain drug. Otherwise, he said, he would be leaving the decision-making to doctors who often know less than he does about these drugs.

Not that we had any choice, as Winston had to get all the vaccines in order to attend school, but I do wonder if all those vaccine shots he received in his first 12 months of life had made him allergic. We have yet to get him take a skin test for the environmental allergens, but we now know that he's allergic to both cashews and pistachios.

Pragmatism over Ideology

Honestly I have not followed what has been going on in Washington DC over the debt crisis, because I am rather tired of following what has been happening there.

In a way, I feel that almost all human conflicts - be it among family members, friends, colleagues, communities, or countries, can all be attributed to a fatal human flaw, which is to place one's strong beliefs or opinions above pragmatism.

I am a fanatical fan of the Tudor period. I have probably watched all the movies and TV shows about that period. I have read Alison Weir's popular biographies of Henry VIII as well as Elizabeth I. That was a period of much political upheaval, with many people losing their heads for ideology.

From the view of us contemporaries, it must have been unthinkable that people from the Tudor period would rather die a painful death than to simply state that they believe in whatever the authority wanted them to believe. Of course, it is perfectly understandable since these people fervently believed that they would go to hell after death if they were to lie about their faiths.

Thomas More was a true humanist for his time. Way ahead of people in his generation, he believed in the education of women, and he educated his daughters the same way he educated his sons. One would think that such an enlightened scholar would then have a more enlightened view of religion. But no, he would burn those Lutheran "heretics" when he was Lord Chancellor and he himself would get executed simply because he refused to acknowledge King Henry VIII as supreme head of the Church of England. One could not help wondering if "cost/benefit analysis" were to be conducted for him, he would realize how much better off himself, his family and the humankind would benefit from his living until his natural death.

Catherine of Aragon was a famously devout Catholic. While there is no doubt that Henry VIII was terribly cruel and selfish, I could not help wondering how much better everyone would have been if she had simply taken the pragmatic approach which had served Anne of Cleves so well. It was obvious that Henry VIII wanted to marry Anne Boleyn, and one way or another he would get his first marriage dissolved. Instead of recognizing the underlying cause, Catherine of Aragon focused on the technical details which Henry VIII was going through to get what he wanted - whether her previous marriage to Prince Arthur (Henry VIII's older brother) was ever consummated. Once she got hung up by the excuse with which Henry VIII was making to get rid of her, she forgot to reason with herself what was the best path forward, given that indeed there was no great path forward but at least some were better than others. Fighting with the king, while pledging her loyalty and devotion to him, was about the most stupid thing one could think of. If she cared about her only daughter Mary, she could have negotiated with the king that she would agree to an annulment if Mary were to remain Princess.

Apples don't fall far from the tree. Mary would grow up to be as dogmatic as her mother, earning herself the nickname "Bloody Mary" for burning so many protestants. One could argue that Henry VIII was actually a pragmatist, albeit a tyrannical one. Anne Boleyn, whose clever efforts forced Henry VIII to break from Rome and marry her, was altogether too emotional. Had it not been for her inability to control her emotions, she was after all a pragmatist as well. Her daughter Elizabeth I would turn out to be the most pragmatic of all Tudors. She attended Mass when her half sister Mary was queen. When she became queen, she did not persecute the Catholics the way Mary persecuted the Protestants. In fact, she might have been the first person to embrace a "don't ask don't tell" policy which worked beautifully for its time.

Now fast forward over 400 years, I wonder if what we are witnessing today will be viewed with equal amusement by people 400 years from now, as "much ado about nothing", as we view what happened during the Tudor period.

Simple Joys of Life

Maybe it is because Winston is not feeling sick (well he still has a runny nose but it is a lot better than before and he's in good spirits), or maybe it is because the weather is so beautiful (sunny and warm), or maybe it is because I am just in a good mood (for no good reason at all), I decided to try having lunch at this local burger joint where you can design your own burger - http://www.thecounterburger.com/.

So Michael and I went there for lunch, and I picked all those funky toppings and sauces for the burgers. They were delicious. Then I went to pick up some trouts from a friend's house, as he just went fishing for trouts the past couple of days and caught a ton. I fried them, and they were delicious. He is going to fish for perch again, and I can't wait to get a fresh perch from him!

These are such simple joys of life, and I am so happy because of them.

We Are Good People, But...

Up until about two years ago, I had to encounter incessant questions about if and when I was going to have a baby. When I answered in an ambiguous way, the well-meaning person would say that it would be much harder and much more risky to have a baby when I am much older. "Well, if I want a kid, I will just adopt a baby girl from China since they are being abandoned." That was my answer. I felt quite noble and charitable about my answer at the time.

Little did I know that adoption of a healthy baby from China is now literally impossible. The waiting list at the adoption agencies is now over 6 years for even couples of Chinese descent who presumably have higher priority than other ethnic groups. For children with special needs (sickness, handicap, or over 6 years old), it is a very fast process. Therefore, even if I want to adopt a healthy baby girl from China, I will not be able to do so.

One would naturally wonder what happened in the past few years. Chinese girls went from being "unwanted" to "heavily contested". Michael's cynical view is that it has almost become kind of a fashion statement to adopt a Chinese girl from China. I think perhaps more and more people are busy with their careers or other things in life and therefore often have to adopt a baby when they are ready to have a kid.

Our neighbor who is a computer science professor has two adopted girls from China. Even Michael cannot claim that they did as a "fashion statement". The girls are in elementary school now, which means that they were lucky to have adopted a few years ago.

I read about the Chinese orphans with special needs,and frankly my heart goes out to them. I heard from our neighbor that the condition of the Chinese orphanages was really bad, and these kids need extra special attention and care. But I admit that I do find it hard to adopt a kid with disabilities. If I ever make my millions, I do want to donate money to the poor kids in China for their care and education.

Most people, I imagine, are like myself. We are good people, but not that good.

Chat with a Friend in San Diego

I was talking with a friend of mine in San Diego, who has a son and a daughter. Of course I complained about Winston getting sick often now that he's in daycare. He told me that when his daughter was sent to daycare, she was sick almost every week for 3 months. Since they could not deal with it any longer, they moved her to a small family daycare center with just a few kids instead of over 100 kids at the first place. Then she no longer got sick. Maybe that's what I should have done with Winston as well.

We talked about the biotech companies in San Diego, as he works at one of them which is going through a difficult time. It is unclear what is going to happen to the company, but he's a great scientist and should certainly find another job even if this company does not make it in the end. Speaking of career and family, he is one of those people I know for sure that could be a great success if he is willing to move back to China, because he is not only technically competent, but also a great manager and a terrific people person. However, he has two young kids in San Diego, and for that reason alone he has decided to cope with the under-appreciation for his talent in San Diego. I still have my house in San Diego (rented to a super neat lesbian couple), and now that I have Winston, I realize that San Diego really is an ideal place to raise young children. That's the sacrifice that he has decided to make. It is also possible that he is so humble that he does not realize his potential. I have encountered so many people bragging about their credentials and backgrounds and ideas who are overall so much less competent than he is, and many of them still managed to be very successful because of the desperate need for talent in Chinese life science industry.

Then I thought of people I know who did move back to China and who did build careers that they never even dreamed of themselves. How are their kids now? I wonder. San Francisco Bay Area is not exactly an un-materialistic place, but the major Chinese cities are so materialistic that I do wonder about their influence on young and impressionable minds.

The Mystery of Immunology

As a scientist by training, I am frequently frustrated by how little our understanding of disease mechanism still is. Of course, I would not have been so frustrated had I not got a two-year old who seems to be getting sick more often than his peers - or is it just my imagination?

I heard that some kids just never get sick, from the first day they enter daycare which is an incubator of all kinds of nasty germs and viruses. What's the reason? Supposedly some people's immune systems do not mount a response to most of the viruses, and therefore they don't get sick even though they might be carrying the viruses. In that case, it seems "building up the immune system" (the argument for putting Winston in daycare at the tender age of two) is the wrong argument. Winston seems to be a kid with an active immune system (well, his food allergy shows that he's allergic to even harmless nuts). Therefore, shouldn't I have waited until he's three years old with much more robust health and a big vocabulary to start him in school? Presumably by then, he will learn to tell how he feels when he gets sick, which will enable the adults to better treat him. In addition, he will have grown a lot bigger and taller, which might make him stronger overall in health to battle with the germs and viruses when they attack. And hopefully by that time, he will understand instructions on keeping his hands clean or correlations between catching a cold and wearing too little or wearing wet clothes. But who knows the answers anyways, especially since every kid is different genetically?

At times like this, I feel frustrated that there is not enough money going into biomedical research (especially immunology) or drug R&D. I guess I am in the right industry (for me) after all...

A Birthday Party

Last weekend, we took Winston to attend a birthday party of a 2-year old girl. The mother is one of the first few people who joined Google. The party was held in the back yard.

Normally Winston does not like to attend parties, as he does not enjoy being confined to a small or enclosed area. I sometimes wonder if he has claustrophobia. This house (or I should say mansion) has a huge front yard and an enormous back yard, complete with a play structure and a rented jumpy house. The couple mingled with the guests while the nanny helped take care of the 2-year old birthday girl, and the caterers served the food. It was all fabulous. Winston had such a terrific time. Afterwards, I told a friend who worked with me on my first startup that even if my second startup turns out to be the success I project (which of course is not a guarantee) I still will not be able make as much money as this friend. Indeed during lunch with another couple of biotech friends, we talked about how tough, capital-intensive and unpredictable our industry is. They wondered aloud why they did not choose a different industry, while I chuckled. I don't wonder about that at all, not because I would not like to make millions, but because I have no fascination with computers or gadgets. I wish that I were as interested in the latest gadgets or the latest web applications as others, so that I could feel that I belong to the younger generation. But I really don't. Therefore, there was NEVER any doubt that I have missed the opportunity to be in the technology or IT industry - I was not endowed with the requisite talent for it.

A friend of mine who's head of research at a local biotech company told me that his son's best friend in school is the son of President of Google. After a couple of play dates at this friend's house, his son came back asking him why they could not have a nice house like that. Not knowing how to respond, my friend told him that if he complains once more about it, he will be sent to sleep in the backyard. He talked about another venture capitalist friend who grew up impoverished in New York city who is now worried that his kids are too spoiled and lack perspective - it is difficult to deny them things when all their friends are getting them, and they cannot say that mommy or daddy can't afford it either. When we live in the area with so much wealth around, how do we address innocent questions from kids, before they lose their innocence?

I guess it is just a matter of time before Winston comes home and asks me why we don't live in a house as nice as his friend's. I had better be ready for an answer by then!

Middle Age

I turned 40 years old this month. I figure that I ought to write something about it, even though in reality I feel nothing much about it. A friend who turned 40 earlier this year wrote me an encouraging note, "40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40."

Indeed perhaps in an unintended way 40 is the new 30, in that I only have a 2-year old son instead of two or three teenagers running around in the house. And maybe by extension, 30 is the new 20 in that it takes so long for young people to launch their careers these days. Well, that is, if you don't include the Silicon Valley technology entrepreneurs who start companies without finishing college.

A friend of mine has three kids, the oldest of whom is almost 28 years old. When this young man lost his job because the job was going to China, he did not think much of it. It has since been almost 2 years and he still has not found anything suitable. 28 is turning out to be the new 18 - implying that unless college graduates go for a professional or graduate degree, it is a very tough job market.

My hairdresser has two sons in college. I asked her what they would be doing during the summer, and she gave this deep sigh. One managed to get 1 day per week at Trader Joe's, and the other one is looking around for jobs at shopping malls. When there was an ad for a local shopping mall, she went over and asked, only to be told that her son need not apply if he did not have "experience".

Another friend in her 30s is working on her PhD thesis. She is often agonized by how long she has been in school because she changed her academic focus in the middle of graduate school. Now, going by the analogy, indeed if she were in her 20s, she would not question herself so much. We are supposed to experiment and explore in our 20s.

The first time I heard of the word "middle age", I thought that it referred to people of my mother's generation, who was in her late 30s then. I remember a very popular Chinese movie entitled "Getting to Middle Age" about a "middle-aged" doctor exhausted by her intense work as well as raising two kids, played by a youthful looking actress Pan Hong, who was about 30 years old at the time.

I guess people's definition of "middle age" has changed.

Stay-Home Mothers vs. Professional Women

I recall feeling dismissive when I heard stay-home mothers say that their jobs were just as hard. Back in the days before Winston, I condescendingly decided that they said that so that they could feel better about themselves.

And how arrogant and ignorant I was! Since Winston's birth, I have come to feel that raising a child is much harder than anything else I have attempted to do. I can start companies, but I can't imagine having more than one kid. Stay-home mothers who have two or three or even more kids in my opinion are just absolute superwomen. Now on the surface it makes no sense since vast majority of the population have kids. Michael said that somehow I was a risk-taker before, but now I am totally not into taking any chances or risks or experimenting with anything regarding Winston.

I have since come to realize that stay-home mothers have a much harder job (at least in my opinion) than professional women, including professional women with kids. In business, if one does not take any risks, one will not have any reward. Risks imply that the outcome could either be success or failure. Smart professional women can take risks, and they weigh the pros and cons of taking those risks. If something fails, or even if a career path fails, one could always start anew. A stay-home mother, on the other hand, does not have a professional life and a separate personal/family life. There is no escape. Regarding raising a child who's one's flesh and blood, failure is not an option (to some extent). Therefore, risk-taking is much harder in that context. In addition, while professional women could always resort to the argument that juggling both career and family is tough and therefore she might have been negligent in some aspects, stay-at-home mothers are NOT juggling a career and family - family is ALL that she has to deal with. And if she makes a bad mistake there, she has no excuse for it - unless there arre several kids to deal with at the same time.

My lesson is that I should never dismiss an opinion until I have some personal experience with the topic itself.

An Almost Forgotten Blog

I found the following entry that I was going to post back in May, but Winston came down with a fever right afterwards so I left it there. Now I am posting it here - over 2 months later;;;

The other day, I went over to Google to have lunch with a couple of friends, whose kids are roughly the same age as Winston.

They both commented on how much I ate, which was entirely due to the absolutely delicious food that Google cafe offers (infinitely better than most restaurants in Bay Area). Then our conversation was largely about family and kids - daycare, nannies, in-laws, relatives, future schools, houses, concerns, etc. It was not like that we solved any problems - we just talked. Honestly, the transcript of the conversation could totally qualify as a "mommy's group lunch". So why have I resisted joining any "moms groups"?

I know all too well why. My friends and I might have been talking about only trivial domestic issues during the whole lunch, but we relate to each other and connect on more than just that level. If the reason behind a gathering is to talk about kids related stuff, and there is else that connects me to that group, then I will only want to see these people when I have a kids-related concern. Of course, in real life, once you join a group like that, you should be a good citizen and show up whether or not you have an issue to deal with. And that has deterred me from joining any. There are enough obligations in life and I would rather not increase them.

I feel empathy towards all the mothers out there and I relate (at least I think I do) to their feelings, but I am not interested in joining any mothers' group. I like discussing books and films, but I am not interested in joining any book clubs or film groups. Indeed during our lunch, we could have talked about books, or movies, or work, or some cultural issues instead of kids stuff, and it would have been all spontaneous and natural.

Seattle

Because Winston has been sick on and off for about 3 months since he started daycare, I have not been in a great mood to write. When I first started this blog, it was meant as a place to store my writing about my leisure travels, as I was such an avid traveler. After Winston's birth, I decided that perhaps this blog would be my journal about Winston, so that I will not forget about the small things and he will one day read them.

In that case I have been terribly delinquent. Winston took the first plane trip to Seattle in May, and I have not even written about it. He had so much fun riding the buses, taking the ferry and sitting in first class cabin on the flight from San Francisco to Seattle. He was singing "Happy Birthday" so much that others started asking us if it was his birthday. We told them that it was his way of telling people that he's really happy. It was an utterly exhausting trip for me and my mom, as Michael decided not to rent a car - my cousin learned about it from my mom, who loves to tell a good story about the trials and tribulations of this trip. We were sightseeing in Seattle by public transportation. Now if it were New York, it would have made perfect sense. Thank goodness no one got sick on that trip, despite the hardships.

While Seattle seems like an attractive place to live for many people, I must say that I know for sure that I will not be happy living there. I like sunshine, and I love summer heat. I find Seattle a bit cold both literally and figuratively speaking.

Regrets

I give people the impression that I am a rather vigilant mother. It is a bit like the fact that I give people the impression that I have strong feelings about a lot of things, when in fact I am perhaps just more expressive than others who truly have strong feelings.

The other day, Winston was at home and he had a cold. Somehow I was thinking, "he's two years old now, so perhaps I can try giving him a cashew." So I did. He ate most of it but towards the end decided to spit out the rest. Then his cold symptoms seemed to have worsened with much more coughing and congestion. Then he started scratching his eyes so much and his lips started getting swollen. I finally realized that he had an allergy attack. By the time we rushed him to urgent care, his face was so swollen that it was almost unrecognizable. That image is seared into my memory.

Apparently had I simply googled a little bit, I would have realized that Winston belonged to the high-risk group as his father has seasonal allergy and once had childhood asthma. I should have waited longer or perhaps taken him to see a specialist to get him tested first before trying to feed him a complete cashew. But I did not even spend the minute to google before giving him a cashew. Now that he's got this massive allergy attack, surely his body will remember cashew as a deadly toxin.

I asked a friend of mine whether he thinks it's possible to live a life without regrets, since I do have regrets, the latest of which being that I have "given" my son a life-threatening allergy. He said that it was impossible anyways. Perhaps we often learn from our mistakes or regrets, although we prefer to learn the easy way.

As Confucius said,"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." How I wish that I had simply learned about food allergy by "imitation" (i.e. web search and consultation with some experts)!