Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Winston's Words

My mom has been telling me repeatedly to write down all the funny things that Winston did or said, but I keep forgetting to do it. Plus, often it's the real action that is truly funny.

The other day, I drove him to school in a hurry only to realize when I got there that I had forgotten to put his shoes on. Fortunately the daycare center is only a couple of minutes by car so I drove back. While I was putting his shoes on with him sitting in the car seat, I told him to remind me to put his shoes on when we leave the house. I asked him, "Otherwise, what are you going to do without shoes?" He laughed and kicked his two little feet and said, "I have socks".

Who could have thought of such clever and original answers? 

Chinese Humor with Beijing Characteristics


At the recommendation of a friend, I watched a Chinese TV series "The Spring of Li Chuntian". The title character is a 38-year old single woman who's a newspaper editor. All the stories are around relationships, be it hers, or people around her. It is set in Beijing.

What I have found most striking is the way people talk in the series. No dialogue is ever a direct or simple dialogue, as everyone tries to add twists and rhetoric to their verbal exchanges, in a way that makes them seem like that they are always trying to prolong the conversation or have an argument. In a way they are almost a bit rude! I am from Beijing originally, and I have to say that I am not even used to it. Then it occurred to me that I heard my mom and my sister occasionally talk like that, and I erroneously thought that they were argumentative. It turned out that people in Beijing now talk like that!

I asked a friend about this observation. While she's from the south, she likes the colorful language of Beijing and the bantering effect. It is totally different from the humor we see in American show business. It is edgy like Conan O'Brien but less funky. It is self-deprecating like Edward Burns, but more rude and crude. It is sarcastic like Woody allen but less intellectual. So perhaps I can only call it "Chinese humor with Beijing Characteristics". 

Two Friends from McKinsey

Although my recent business trip to Shanghai was very short, I still managed to see a few friends of mine, including two from my McKinsey days. We went through McKinsey's mini-MBA training together near Toronto back in 2001. Looking back, I almost blush at some of the things I said or did during the training. How naive and clueless I was back then! Maybe another ten years from now, I will look at the current me and make the same comment.

One of them joined the Beijing office of McKinsey, became a partner and was made the head of the office, before he left to join a multinational private equity firm. He's a theoretical physicist by training, and is perhaps least temperamental person I have ever met. I have known plenty of scientists who claim that they believe in science and facts and not emotions, but they often are the most emotional and sensitive people I know. This guy is absolutely calm and logical. He talked about why he left McKinsey, what he's interested in doing, and the fact that he and his wife are debating whether or not to have kids. To some extent, I really do envy his ability to not get emotional about anything. But at the same time, I am almost a bit frightened by his zen-like cynicism. Maybe it is not cynicism, but rather a clear-eyed view of what life really is all about, that makes him so calm. He said that the fact that he was trained as a theoretical physicist makes him realize that nothing we do is of much significance, and therefore there is no need to get worked up about anything. 

The other was at the Silicon Valley office of McKinsey for a few years before returning to China as a venture capitalist. He's a very jovial guy and extremely fun-loving. He's got a PhD in science as well, but overall he's much more emotive and expressive. He asked me about my views on kids as he and his wife are debating whether or not to have kids. Like the other friend, he thinks a lot. But unlike the other friend, his thinking is often mixed with emotions. He worries about consequences, uncertainties and changes. He wants to find an "optimal" solution which he will never regret. In other words, while the other friend thinks that there is nothing significant in life, this friend views many things in life as very significant.

Perhaps, just perhaps, there is something in the middle between the two of them that would be the ideal balance - to take only a few things seriously but not too many, to do one's best with passion but keep in mind how insignificant we really are in the context of this vast universe and the long human history. This way, we will celebrate our successes and advancement, laugh off our failures and setbacks, enjoy family and friends, and let go of personal losses easily. 

Such is the Irony of Life

The other day, I had a discussion with a friend who's expecting a baby very soon. We talked about how we often are prone to guilt or self-criticism even though others in our situation would perhaps be patting themselves on the back. Is guilt a Chinese thing, a Catholic thing, or perhaps a female thing?

I often talk to people who are older and wiser, so that I can gain their perspectives. Maybe, just maybe, this way when I am on my deathbed, I will not regret that I have lived my life chasing after the wrong things, and ignoring the truly important things. As it turned out, the theme is pretty universal - don't pay so much attention to success in a conventional sense, as it will not matter at the end of your life. Instead, relationships of all kinds are what sustain us through thick and thin, and therefore require the most effort and dedication.

Of course, it does not mean that we simply give up on our careers and go volunteer in Africa or India. After all, we still have a lot of practical bones in our bodies. But we do have a sense of disciplining ourselves, judging ourselves, and evaluating ourselves from all kinds of imaginary angles. As a result, we constantly feel that we have fallen short of expectations. We want to live our lives to the fullest, as if there is some arbitrary judge out there that will eventually give us a grade on how we have lived. When it comes to choices, we want to make the best choice, because we don't want to have any regrets later. Yet life is unpredictable by nature and we have to make so many choices, big and small, constantly. Whenever we make a choice, we want to make the best choice to make sure that what we get is worth what we will be losing, but often which may not seem so valuable now but perhaps become extremely valuable later on. So perhaps we blame ourselves later...

There are other people who don't reflect on life so much. They do what they want, take credit for their successes, find reasons or excuses for their failures, and never think about what will be most important to them on their deathbeds. I used to think that these people should watch "Citizen Kane" so that they have a longer-term view about life, and not have so many regrets at the end of their lives that they have to whisper their own version of "rosebud" near death. But then, we human beings hear what we want to hear. The message of "Citizen Kane" has been internalized by people like myself so many times that we even need an antidote to ease off on that message. And those who are busy with their short-term goals, will ignore such messages or perhaps sleep through such a movie, and deal with the consequences on their deathbeds. Such is the irony of life. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

I just watched the film "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" on Netflix. The reason is simple - the Chinese actress Bingbing Li was making appearances in the west all of a sudden, presumably because of this film. And the film was produced by Wendi Murdoch, the Chinese wife of Rupert Murdoch. I was curious to see what it's like. It was directed by Wayne Wang, who directed "The Joy Luck Club". 

If I was indifferent to "The Joy Luck Club", I have to echo a friend of mine on her sentiment regarding "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" - "it was so bad that I did not want to mention it to anyone!" In a conversation with another friend, we started talking about the entertainment circle and the power at play. Apparently Bingbing Li was  propelled into this "stardom" in the west by Wendi Murdoch, as otherwise there is nothing special about her. Yes, she's a movie star in China, but there are at least dozens just like her in China! My friend alerted me to the fact that Ziyi Zhang has been very low-key and nowhere to be seen lately in the west, and there has been negative press coverage on her regarding discrepancies in her charitable donations. She said that apparently there was a fall-out between her and Wendi Murdoch, and after being dropped by the Murdoch family, she's had a very hard time.

That speaks to the power of money. One would think that Ziyi Zhang has already established herself, but little did she know how her fame and celebrity status required strong backers. Her looks and talent could only go so far on their own. Wendi Murdoch is perhaps best compared to the Empress Dowager of the Qing Dynasty - ruthless, heartless and scruple-less. At one point during the movie, I almost laughed my head off, when a super silly and irrelevant character showed up on screen, played by none other than Hugh Jackman! I can almost imagine the dialogue when he was asked to play this five-minute part in the movie, "Sure, Wendi, of course I will be happy to do it." After all, Hugh Jackman knows the power of his fellow Australian. Ziyi Zhang had too much youthful arrogance to know that some people can make a star as easily as they can destroy a star.

Later, I watched an interview by Charlie Rose with Wendi Murdoch, Bingbing Li and Wayne Wang. While it was a complete flop in the US and China (where else would anyone even bother to watch this film?), Wendi Murdoch claimed that they were profitable. I suppose that she's a good businesswoman after all - everyone was perhaps glad to be on her film and therefore was happy to do it for nothing. She mentioned that she really liked Lisa See's book upon which the movie is based, and that she chose Wayne Wang for this film because she was so touched by "The Joy Luck Club". If both statements were true, it would make her seem an emotional, vulnerable and gullible woman, which I can't believe to be the case.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lunch with Friends

Last Friday, I had lunch with 3 female friends of mine. Among the four of us, two graduated from Harvard, one graduated from Caltech, and one from the "Harvard of China" - Peking University. All of us have received PhD degrees from MIT, UC Berkeley or Stanford. All of us are professional women married with kids.

It's at those lunches that I realize how others truly live. We usually don't confide in other people about the troubles in our lives, unless we feel really understood and safe. With my friends, I have learned about the struggles they have in their professional and personal lives, and I have learned many things. Indeed, as Michelle Obama famously said, "marriage is hard but no one tells you that." It requires a lot of effort on both parties, and still even then, it will be complicated and challenging. And that's fine, because that's how most people live.

The eagerness to portray a "better" image to the outsiders is understandable. It is perhaps similar to the notorious notion of "saving face" by the Chinese. Now I realize that those who are willing to share their troubles are actually the most confident and secure people. As the son of the famous Chinese scholar Hu Shi said, "my father always claimed to everyone that my mother was the boss in everything. Just imagine - those men whose wives really boss them around and feel utterly miserable would never dare to say such things to others."

All About My Mother

I am a huge fan of Pedro Almodovar's films. I love it that all the women in his films are smart, strong and absolutely wonderful in their own ways. I consider myself a modern woman, whose mother has been ahead of her times. As I wrote in the acknowledgment section of my PhD thesis, without my mother I would not have been who I am or what I am today, and I can only hope to be half of the woman she is.

In a way, my appreciation for my mother has grown partly because I see how others around me have such big issues with their own mothers. They tell me how much they envy my close relationship with my mother, and how my mother leaves me alone to do what I like without making annoying, unwanted or even toxic comments. In the old days, I thought that it was because my mother loved me more than these mothers love their own kids. But now I have come to realize that it's actually due to my mother's unusual wisdom. She should have been born and raised in America instead of China, for she would have fit right in.

She made a point of having her own life, and not trying to tie her life to mine. She wants her independence and her own life. Therefore, unlike many other Asian parents, she does not blackmail me with these toxic comments, "I have raised you and therefore you should pay me back." If she thinks that she's capable of helping me temporarily, she does her very best. Whenever she's here in the US helping me with Winston, she is more careful and vigilant with Winston than even I am. But when she feels that she needs to take care of her own health, she requests that I find help from others, and if necessary spend a lot of money on getting the best help for Winston. She has never been rich, but she knows how to spend money at the right place without being stupidly stingy. Since she sticks to her ground, she will never blame me for ruining her life, or giving her trouble either. Whatever she has agreed to do, she will never use it against me to make me feel guilty. She takes responsibility for her own choices and decisions, and she does not blame others.

Yes, she is a bit like the women in Pedro Almodavar's films - strong, wise, feisty, incredibly wise but not without imperfections. 

The In-Laws

Years ago, a very irreverent friend of mine once told me a joke. He said, "do you know the difference between an in-law and an out-law?" After a pause, he smiled, "The outlaw is wanted." 

Indeed with the TV shows such as "Everyone Loves Raymond", we know that in-law troubles exist everywhere, and the only way to deal with them is to have a clear idea of what you want, and have a sense of humor about it.

I do think that the Chinese have a harder time in this case, because there is not a clear boundary between generations. After the kids have grown up and become adults (and even middle-aged adults), the parents still think that they can tell them what to do, and the kids should listen. I know that it's a hard habit to break, but I hope that when Winston grows up, I will not be like that. Of course, I hope that I will do good enough of a job so that he will be happy, healthy and financially independent so that there is no need for me to worry about his overall welfare.

What I have noticed is that many parents of our generation don't know what truly makes them happy. They often ask to spend time with their kids, and even insist on having the kids' spouses around, only to have more arguments during those gatherings. Understandably, they want to spend time with their kids and grandkids. But the kids' spouses? Sure, if people really enjoy spending time together, that's fine. I have seen some of my friends who enjoy talking to their mothers-in-law more than their own husbands! In those cases, the mothers-in-law are essentially their friends. When the spouse makes the effort to spend the time with the parents-in-law only to realize that there is no appreciation for such sacrifice, he/she will get resentful. After all, there are better ways to spend time than to just be around to listen to unwelcome comments!

Therefore, I have come to realize one thing that my very wise mother has told me. There is definitely a generation gap, even with the most enlightened parents. The parents of course care about their own kids, in which case these kids should try to spend some time with them. But do leave the spouses alone, unless there is a real need. And the real need does not include such things as a snide comment "oh families should be together." This way, everyone has his or her own space, and when there is not much sacrifice made by each party, there will be much less resentment.