Since I left China to attend Harvard in 1992, I have been back and forth between the US and China many times. The first couple of times of saying good-bye to my mom were a bit difficult and emotional, but later on, she and I both got used to it. In addition, we would talk on the phone once a week, which is perhaps more often than some people whose parents live in the same country. In the past couple of years, as I have been working on this startup company bridging the US and China, I have been going back to China up to 4 or 5 times a year, so she said jokingly once that she got sick of seeing me so often.
Yesterday, my mom just left to return to Beijing, after staying with me in Bay Area for four months, helping to take care of me before I gave birth and helping to take care of the baby afterwards. I have not been exactly easy to live with, being an inexperienced and obsessed new mom. We had a few tearful arguments, although I cannot remember over what topic. I found myself crying uncontrollably when she was saying good-bye yesterday, and I could literally feel my heart breaking. The last few days before she left, she would periodically pause to look at Winston’s flashing photos in the digital photo album, and would mention that I should really get him a passport as soon as possible. An incredibly intense sadness swept over me as she waved goodbye to me, while I held Winston in my arms. He was very calm at the time, looking curiously around him, completely unaware of the emotional turmoil of his mother and his grandma. My mom has never been an emotional type, but she got teary-eyed as well, although she tried to stay cheerful for my sake, “Look at you. You are already 38 years old, and you are still crying like a baby. Even Winston is not crying.”
Indeed, why was I feeling so sad, I thought to myself. Perhaps it is because it is always hard to say good-bye to someone who has shared really difficult times with you for a while – it is as if suddenly you cannot imagine dealing with future challenges yourself. Perhaps it is because I know that my mom is getting old, and that I suddenly sense that mortality is a real thing. Perhaps it is because Winston will not recognize my mom next time he sees her, and will never know how much effort his grandmother has made taking care of him during his first three months. Perhaps it is because I have got used to having my mom around again, that I suddenly cannot imagine living in her absence again?
Maybe in a sense, while I am the mommy for my baby, I have myself remained my mommy’s baby. When Winston grows up, no matter how old he becomes, he, also will remain his mommy’s baby. We are all mommy’s babies, regardless of how old, mature, independent or successful we are.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
A Day in the Life of a 12-Week-Old Winston
Winston waking up:
Winston exercising:
Winston crying:
Winston being tickled:
Winston smiling:
Winston going to bed:
Winston exercising:
Winston crying:
Winston being tickled:
Winston smiling:
Winston going to bed:
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Illusive "Happiness"
The other day, a friend sent me an article in New York Times by the sharp-tongued Maureen Dowd “ Blue is the New Black” (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/20/opinion/20dowd.html?em). She talked about how women are getting more and more unhappy, even as they have more choices in life and achieve more. She quoted Arianna Huffington, “It doesn’t matter what their marital status is, how much money they make, whether or not they have children, their ethnic background, or the country they live in. Women around the world are in a funk.” To summarize, “We’re happy to have our newfound abundance of choices, even if those choices end up making us unhappier. A paradox indeed.”
I immediately forwarded this article to other friends of mine, and received quick responses.
“Happiness is reality divided by expectation. It is certainly true that the 'want it all' mentality of modern professional women has raised the expectation significantly, hence decreased the happiness level. It is true, on average, for an older man to get a young date, than vice versa, but I don't how much that helps happiness. The caveat is obvious - reality is partially a function of your drive/effort/life goal, which are functions of expectation. Otherwise, we should all be the obliviously blissful half-naked Hindu monks, begging and meditating…” – This message is from a male friend, to which a friend who knows me extremely well said, “hmm, that applies to you pretty well. You are less happy than those who don’t have much but have lower expectations, but on the other hand, had you not set up these high expectations, perhaps you would not have been able to accomplish much.”
And as if to respond to that, I got a response from another friend, who has had it all – Ivy League education, thriving corporate career, a family with two kids, stable income, great health, etc: “Maybe one of the solutions is not to be a perfectionist but an optimalist -- as Tal Ben-Shahar (Harvard Class of 96) has been preaching (http://www.talbenshahar.com/). Too bad he did not start teaching the 'Happiness' course at Harvard till 2006, many years after we were there. I just flipped through his book, The Pursuit of Perfect (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Pursuit-of-Perfect/Tal-Ben-Shahar/e/9780071608824). Many points are common sense, but using examples from his own experience and perspective has made it more authentic and more relevant than the usual self-help books.”
In the midst of this recession, quite a few talented professional women I know are having trouble finding jobs or jobs they like, even though they actually do not need to work for the sake of money. That, in itself should perhaps make one less nervous, but the fact that they are used to the idea of accomplishment, purpose and financial independence has made them feel even worse about not having a job right now. Professional women in general encounter greater obstacles at work, which I can certainly understand. One friend wrote back in frustration, “Yes, not only is a woman's life tougher than a man's, but women are easily blamed everywhere. In this society, a woman's weakness is obvious, but women's efforts and contributions are hardly visible and appreciated! Life is a ugly mess, and we need to keep some dreams for ourselves in order to survive.”
Another one wrote, “Nowadays women are taking on many more tasks, including parenting, career, hobbies...No wonder we feel more stressed out than men, since we tend to care about kids (and even the career) much more than men. Sometimes new Moms feel so torn apart between the baby and the job that they have emotional breakdowns. But please remember this is what every career woman goes through and like most other cases in life, the effort we make today will pay off in the future for sure! One obvious advantage we gain is the respect and financial power at home and in society, which in the old time women could not enjoy.”
Still another friend wrote, “too many choices, too many responsibilities.”
Of course, my very scientific husband is always seeking to understand better, as if it’s a biological or mathematical question, “Now that I know how difficult happiness is to achieve, I will try extra hard to make you happy! There is one thing about the article that is unexplained, though. If women with children are unhappier than those without, then why were women in the past happier than women now, when they had many more babies in the past? Is it because women now see children as interfering with their goals, when in the past having children was the goal? Is this true in Europe as well?”
The discussions on happiness will perhaps never end. When I mentioned to my new live-in nanny that a friend got into serious post-partum depression, she was confused, “What is depression? Why was she depressed?” In her mind, if one is healthy, can make a living and has family around her, she should be really happy. I explained that it was a mental disease, but I could tell that she still did not quite understand it. Last weekend, when I drove her to Ranch 99 to buy groceries (she has a great love of supermarkets where she would spend a long time picking out the best AND the cheapest stuff, while I impatiently wait for her to finish), I made a wrong turn and ended up driving across the long San Mateo Bridge. It was a beautiful and sunny day, and the view from the bridge was fabulous. She was happy as a bird, “Oh I love to see the ocean. Thanks so much for making the wrong turn. I have barely worked for you for two days, and you have already taken me to see the sea.”
Now that was perhaps real, authentic, undiluted happiness.
I immediately forwarded this article to other friends of mine, and received quick responses.
“Happiness is reality divided by expectation. It is certainly true that the 'want it all' mentality of modern professional women has raised the expectation significantly, hence decreased the happiness level. It is true, on average, for an older man to get a young date, than vice versa, but I don't how much that helps happiness. The caveat is obvious - reality is partially a function of your drive/effort/life goal, which are functions of expectation. Otherwise, we should all be the obliviously blissful half-naked Hindu monks, begging and meditating…” – This message is from a male friend, to which a friend who knows me extremely well said, “hmm, that applies to you pretty well. You are less happy than those who don’t have much but have lower expectations, but on the other hand, had you not set up these high expectations, perhaps you would not have been able to accomplish much.”
And as if to respond to that, I got a response from another friend, who has had it all – Ivy League education, thriving corporate career, a family with two kids, stable income, great health, etc: “Maybe one of the solutions is not to be a perfectionist but an optimalist -- as Tal Ben-Shahar (Harvard Class of 96) has been preaching (http://www.talbenshahar.com/). Too bad he did not start teaching the 'Happiness' course at Harvard till 2006, many years after we were there. I just flipped through his book, The Pursuit of Perfect (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Pursuit-of-Perfect/Tal-Ben-Shahar/e/9780071608824). Many points are common sense, but using examples from his own experience and perspective has made it more authentic and more relevant than the usual self-help books.”
In the midst of this recession, quite a few talented professional women I know are having trouble finding jobs or jobs they like, even though they actually do not need to work for the sake of money. That, in itself should perhaps make one less nervous, but the fact that they are used to the idea of accomplishment, purpose and financial independence has made them feel even worse about not having a job right now. Professional women in general encounter greater obstacles at work, which I can certainly understand. One friend wrote back in frustration, “Yes, not only is a woman's life tougher than a man's, but women are easily blamed everywhere. In this society, a woman's weakness is obvious, but women's efforts and contributions are hardly visible and appreciated! Life is a ugly mess, and we need to keep some dreams for ourselves in order to survive.”
Another one wrote, “Nowadays women are taking on many more tasks, including parenting, career, hobbies...No wonder we feel more stressed out than men, since we tend to care about kids (and even the career) much more than men. Sometimes new Moms feel so torn apart between the baby and the job that they have emotional breakdowns. But please remember this is what every career woman goes through and like most other cases in life, the effort we make today will pay off in the future for sure! One obvious advantage we gain is the respect and financial power at home and in society, which in the old time women could not enjoy.”
Still another friend wrote, “too many choices, too many responsibilities.”
Of course, my very scientific husband is always seeking to understand better, as if it’s a biological or mathematical question, “Now that I know how difficult happiness is to achieve, I will try extra hard to make you happy! There is one thing about the article that is unexplained, though. If women with children are unhappier than those without, then why were women in the past happier than women now, when they had many more babies in the past? Is it because women now see children as interfering with their goals, when in the past having children was the goal? Is this true in Europe as well?”
The discussions on happiness will perhaps never end. When I mentioned to my new live-in nanny that a friend got into serious post-partum depression, she was confused, “What is depression? Why was she depressed?” In her mind, if one is healthy, can make a living and has family around her, she should be really happy. I explained that it was a mental disease, but I could tell that she still did not quite understand it. Last weekend, when I drove her to Ranch 99 to buy groceries (she has a great love of supermarkets where she would spend a long time picking out the best AND the cheapest stuff, while I impatiently wait for her to finish), I made a wrong turn and ended up driving across the long San Mateo Bridge. It was a beautiful and sunny day, and the view from the bridge was fabulous. She was happy as a bird, “Oh I love to see the ocean. Thanks so much for making the wrong turn. I have barely worked for you for two days, and you have already taken me to see the sea.”
Now that was perhaps real, authentic, undiluted happiness.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Pity the Hearts of All the Mothers
The fact that I have written nothing in my blog in the past three months does not mean that I have been that busy. But it does mean that my mind has been completely preoccupied, with my son. Now I understand viscerally how true that Chinese saying is – “Pity the Hearts of All the Parents”. Actually to be more accurate, it should be changed to “Pity the Hearts of All the Mothers”. No one except a mother can understand how it feels to love a baby and put his welfare above all. That, in itself, can become such a debilitating obsession.
After the first few days of euphoria following Winston’s birth, I have been worried over his various little problems here and there – first it’s the baby acne, and then eczema, and then his stuffy nose, and then finally he’s diagnosed with acid reflux, which has trigged a variety of symptoms, all of which are much more painful for me to watch than for him to experience. I found that I could not bear to see him crying so much, as I myself would burst into tears in that case. Sometimes he was in a good mood, but hearing his stuffy nose already broke my heart. My mother told me that I really had to stop fretting over him, as he’s just fine. Other friends have been telling me the same thing, but I stubbornly believed that they were not observant enough to notice all the discomforts that Winston has been experiencing. Sure enough, after his 2-month checkup, I found that he looked ill. He was having difficulty swallowing and he did not have an appetite. So of course we took him to the pediatrician, who said that he had an ear infection. I felt so guilty, as I never heard that a 2-month old baby could have ear infections. I kept searching for answers in books and on internet as to how to fix his stuffy nose, or whether or not there are a lot of babies who have the same thing, so that I won’t feel particularly bad about my mothering skills. It was so all-consuming that I felt no energy or desire to do anything else.
Right now, as I sit in my office, I am trying very hard not to worry over him, as the new nanny is taking care of him. But I keep wondering if the nanny will treat him the same way when my mom is no longer at home to watch over her. Will she be the same when no one is around to monitor her? When a friend tried to tell me that the worst will not happen, I argued that there are many things that the nanny might do or might not do that could do harm to him, although they are not necessarily the worst that can happen to him. Perhaps in my friend’s eyes, I am simply hopelessly obsessed.
Sometimes I wonder if my obsession with Winston will do him harm, as maybe a more relaxed me will be a better mom to him. Other times I wonder if I stop being so vigilant, perhaps I will let bad things happen, ignore symptoms of a disease, or allow a bad nanny to stay. Michael of course loves Winston very much, but he does not fret over him. While I have always understood that men and women are different, it’s only after having Winston that I have come to realize how different. Women become mothers when they have babies, whereas men remain the same as before. It does not mean that they do not love the baby, but the presence of the baby does not fundamentally transform them.
After the first few days of euphoria following Winston’s birth, I have been worried over his various little problems here and there – first it’s the baby acne, and then eczema, and then his stuffy nose, and then finally he’s diagnosed with acid reflux, which has trigged a variety of symptoms, all of which are much more painful for me to watch than for him to experience. I found that I could not bear to see him crying so much, as I myself would burst into tears in that case. Sometimes he was in a good mood, but hearing his stuffy nose already broke my heart. My mother told me that I really had to stop fretting over him, as he’s just fine. Other friends have been telling me the same thing, but I stubbornly believed that they were not observant enough to notice all the discomforts that Winston has been experiencing. Sure enough, after his 2-month checkup, I found that he looked ill. He was having difficulty swallowing and he did not have an appetite. So of course we took him to the pediatrician, who said that he had an ear infection. I felt so guilty, as I never heard that a 2-month old baby could have ear infections. I kept searching for answers in books and on internet as to how to fix his stuffy nose, or whether or not there are a lot of babies who have the same thing, so that I won’t feel particularly bad about my mothering skills. It was so all-consuming that I felt no energy or desire to do anything else.
Right now, as I sit in my office, I am trying very hard not to worry over him, as the new nanny is taking care of him. But I keep wondering if the nanny will treat him the same way when my mom is no longer at home to watch over her. Will she be the same when no one is around to monitor her? When a friend tried to tell me that the worst will not happen, I argued that there are many things that the nanny might do or might not do that could do harm to him, although they are not necessarily the worst that can happen to him. Perhaps in my friend’s eyes, I am simply hopelessly obsessed.
Sometimes I wonder if my obsession with Winston will do him harm, as maybe a more relaxed me will be a better mom to him. Other times I wonder if I stop being so vigilant, perhaps I will let bad things happen, ignore symptoms of a disease, or allow a bad nanny to stay. Michael of course loves Winston very much, but he does not fret over him. While I have always understood that men and women are different, it’s only after having Winston that I have come to realize how different. Women become mothers when they have babies, whereas men remain the same as before. It does not mean that they do not love the baby, but the presence of the baby does not fundamentally transform them.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Baby Winston at 3 Months
Winston loves people, and he loves walking all over them too:
and washing his hands:
He certainly prefers that to crawling:
He also likes foot massages:
and washing his hands:
If you're looking for photos of Winston, click here.
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