Family vs. Partnership

Today we had lunch with Michael’s colleague, who mentioned how nice it was to have her nuclear family back together for the holidays as her kids are now grown-up and living elsewhere.

Suddenly, I felt that I could picture the day when Winston is off to college, leaving an empty house behind. Well, the house is not empty, as Michael and I will still be here just like before Winston’s birth. But it will not feel the same as a family.

It was then and there that I realized the difference between a family and a partnership. Before kids, a family is not really a family – it’s more like a partnership. A kid completes a family. After a kid’s departure to college, the family kind of goes back to a partnership. When Winston grows up, one of these days, he will feel that his nuclear family is no longer his parents, but his own family, with his own kids, even though in my view (if I am still alive then), he remains the core part of my nuclear family.

My heart already aches a little bit from this thought...

Goodbye 2010

It is really the last day of 2010 now. I made an “end of year resolution” and how did I do?

No. 1 - I have written more blogs than 2009. Check.

No. 2 – I have filed the lawsuit, which was a cumbersome and annoying process. Ironic that this unpleasant matter could somehow give me a sense of accomplishment. Everyone who has heard my story about this real estate agency has been horrified to learn such people exist. I also filed a complaint with the San Diego Association of Realtors. So check this item as well.

No.3 – I have done fairly well, I think. I lost my temper once, but generally I have focused on things that do matter.

So my “End of the Year Resolutions” worked!

Now can I say a happy goodbye to 2010 then? What major events have happened in 2010?

1) My company was acquired in early 2010, with most people considering it a success, although it fell short of my expectation.
2) Winston turned 1 year old, with a great birthday party hosted by David. And he's looking healthy, happy and strong.
3) We moved into our nice and sunny house near Stanford.
4) I am starting a new company.

They all sound pretty good, but the following happened as well:
1) The nanny who started in November 2009 left all of a sudden in June, which led poor Winston to go through my parents-in-law, my mother, and another 3 nannies in a matter of 2 months.
2) I went through 2 months of househunting in the peninsula area, which was tiresome – that was before we got the Stanford house eventually.
3) My attempt to start a new company right after the first one did not take off immediately, and I was feeling down for a while.
4) The stress associated with two demanding careers and being new parents to a baby boy that seems too perfect to be true have led to a lot of arguments between me and Michael.

Overall, I have come to understand and appreciate what the writer/architect Lin Huiyin famously said, “Life is all about experiencing all kinds of things. We live to experience and feel."In that case, I feel content about 2010.

Right now, as I am writing a farewell note to the year 2010, Winston is fast asleep in his crib for his afternoon nap. He looks like an angel. He is an angel.

Different Perspectives

Since I did not go anywhere over the holidays, I have had some time to watch some movies, mostly on Neflix Instant. I especially liked the two foreign movies which incidentally provided two very different perspectives on World War II.

One is a Japanese movie “Kabei – Our Mother”, based on the memoir of Teruyo Nogami about how her mother raised her and her sister during the height of nationalistic frenzy in Japan when their scholar father was imprisoned for his radical antiwar position. While Japan was the aggressive country in World War II, this Japanese family was ultimately a family of victims as they did not believe in the war.

The other one is a German film “Nowhere in Africa”, based on the autobiographical novel of Stefanie Zweig about her and her Jewish parents escaping from Germany in 1938 to live in Africa for the next 9 years. Clearly, they were the lucky ones, as they did not go to concentration camp as their other relatives who stayed did. Nonetheless, it was also hard for them, being far away in a foreign land without any of the luxuries they were used to before andwithout knowing what would happen to their loved ones left behind. Surely they were victims of the war, although they stayed far away from the war.

All these different perspectives on essentially the same event – World War II – have made me realize that really there is never any justification for war, unless someone has declared war first to take away your happiness, freedom and life, in which case there is no choice. Unfortunately, this position does give the evil side an upper hand, as perhaps was the case with Adolf Hitler. However, had he been attacked first, he might have commanded even more fanatical support from the German people at that time.

I have always been a believer in education, in that more education and more enlightenment might lead people to see different perspectives and therefore prevent tragedies like World War II to happen. But that in itself is clearly not sufficient. When people are desperate, angry or fearful, they lose their reasoning power and look for emotional outlets. And those who were evil enough to prey on people’s negative emotions will almost always succeed, to varying degrees, despite how much history has taught us.

Now that is not a positive note to end the year, so stay tuned – I will need to write an upbeat one to finish 2010!

A Wet Christmas

I have always believed that Christmas should be associated with snow covered quaint little villages tucked away somewhere in the Alps. That’s what a real Christmas is like. Here in California, however, instead of a white Christmas, we usually have a green Christmas, as the hills turn green in the winter after the winter rains. In fact, as I am writing on Christmas day with Winston fast asleep in his crib listening to the raindrops, it is very wet and very green outside.

Earlier in the morning before the rain started, I took him to the nearby playground and Escondido Elementary School. He was so energetic that he walked all the way to the school and then ran around to almost every corner. His nose was still runny, and combined with the rosy cheeks and that crew haircut, he really looked like a country bumpkin boy!

A friend’s family came to Bay Area from Boston area, where we lived for 10 years before moving to California. They spent a few days in downtown San Francisco, and is staying for a couple of days in Palo Alto. Since the nanny is taking off a few days and I have not cooked for years, I was thrilled to find out that Buca di Beppo is open on Christmas Day. In fact, I had wanted to go to a Buca di Beppo in Bay Area since we moved to Bay Area from San Diego. The one in San Diego is always packed and lively and the food is great.

We met at Buca di Beppo in downtown Palo Alto at 11 am for lunch. It was of course Winston’s first time in Buca di Beppo and I think he was fascinated by those photos on the walls, of Maria Callas, Sophia Loren, Mario Cuomo, Marlon Brando, and of course many anonymous people from decades ago looking so cheerful and so Italian! We ordered a ton of food, including my favorite garlic bread. Winston ate his fettucine with such gusto that my friend could not help commenting on how much he ate. Afterwards, we came back to our house and they had some coffee. Their only daughter is already in highschool, and was looking really bored, after almost 2.5 hours of listening to things that she did not care about. Her phone also ran out of battery, so she wanted to go back to the hotel so that her phone could be charged. Indeed I could not help wondering how bored Winston must be if he has to tag along as a teenager to his parents’ gatherings.

We are such delinquent parents that we have not even bothered to set up a Christmas tree or do any decorating inside. But coming next year, when he’s old enough to understand what a holiday is, we won’t be able to escape this duty. And we will probably have to take him to more parties, as well as host more parties.

Winston's Last Cold (Hopefully) in 2010

After 3 parties over the weekend, Winston came down with his last cold in 2010 – hopefully! I was certainly getting too complacent, seeing him healthy for over a month. His nose is now running like river, and it gets congested when he’s sleeping that he would wake up crying. My poor little darling boy... Is he going to have a runny nose for Christmas?

In the end, he has caught on average one cold a month since September. I was secretly hoping to beat the odds, but alas it was not to be the case.

Now he’s sound asleep in his room. Looking at the screen of my computer (we call the infrared camera installed on his crib “WinstonCam”), I can’t help but smile a little bit at his pudgy cheeks. He’s so cute and adorable. Earlier in the day when we took him to Stanford Shopping Center, he was having so much fun playing in Pottery Barn Kids, which is understandable, and then Louis Vuitton, which is not. After I finished making a phone call on my cell, I noticed that he and the nanny were still in the Louis Vuitton store. I said to Winston, “alright, there is nothing here for you. Plus you cannot afford to buy anything here.” The nanny then answered on his behalf, “well, we would like to check it out just in case there is need to buy one for the future girlfriend or wife.”

I still cannot imagine Winston having a girlfriend with that runny nose and those protruding cheeks.

Career Women Trapped in Housewives' Roles

One of my friends from Harvard is now married with two boys. She has two jobs and works from home. In the morning she trades stocks, and in the afternoon she runs her own baby attire business (baberoo.com).

Needless to say, I find her capacity and capability downright amazing. I have a live-in nanny that works 6 days a week, and I work from home, albeit not full-time. And I feel that I am stretched to the limit!

Come to think of it, it is not that I am busy all the time. But it is the requirement for vigilance and patience with respect to a small kid that is emotionally and mentally draining. In her case, she has two little active boys who want attention. She said, “they drive me nuts if I am the only one at home with them when they are sick from school. I think I am really a career woman trapped in a housewife’s role!”

I can totally understand that sentiment. Usually those who have such sentiments feel guilty about having such sentiments. I recall reading about Lin Huiyin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lin_Huiyin), the Chinese architect and writer. She lamented in one of her letters to a friend that so much time would pass in mundane housework and trivialities that she feared that her life would just become that of a mother and mistress of home. She would often get impatient with such tasks, but then regret her impatience when the kids fell sick. Back then, probably there was no such term as “career women”, but she surely was a “career woman trapped in a housewife’s role”.

I often think that the conservatives may be right that women who were raised to believe their subordinate roles in life are probably much happier. After all, it is much easier to be content if you don’t aspire to anything. A career woman who also wants a family with kids will inevitably lament about being a “career woman trapped in a housewife’s role”, and lament about having such ungrateful complaints.

The Next Big Thing

I wonder what most people will say if they are asked, “What do you think that will be the Next Big Thing?” Obviously, my professional endeavor implies that I agree with the sentiment of the recent New York Times article on Diane Von Furstenberg “Diane Von Furstenberg and China – A Perfect Fit?” (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/19Diane.html)

“Ms. Von Furstenberg isn’t about to miss the Next Big Thing. She graced the cover of Newsweek in the 1970s. She was part of the Studio 54 crowd when disco was in style. And she sold dresses on QVC, the home shopping network, when retailing first migrated to live television. Now, her brand is migrating to the most populous place on earth.”

A few years ago on a business trip to Geneva, I stayed in a nice quiant hotel built entirely with wood. In the library of the hotel, I saw an autobiography of Diane Von Furstenberg, and ended up reading most of it when I was jetlagged. Prior to that, I had never heard of her, or any of the Miller sisters, or for that matter, most of these people who are not movie stars or singers but are celebrities of a more “exclusive” nature.

While I was reading that book, I remember thinking to myself, “so this is how the rich and famous aristocrats live”. For those who are familiar with contemporary Chinese history, it is hard not to notice the parallel between the Soong sisters and the Miller sisters. They all came from money and status. They were all educated abroad. Their marriages were all high-profile. I watched the movie “The Soong Sisters” - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Soong_Sisters_(film) - at Wellesley College when the director went there to promote the film, since Wellesley was Soon May-ling’s alma mater. I was much into melodramas, and therefore loved the tagline of the movie - “Revolution is a kind of love, and love is a kind of revolution.” Now that I am thinking about it, it really makes no sense! Somehow, at the time of watching the lives of the three sisters intertwined with the tubulent times of China, I found it “utterly profound”!

Of course I also remember the opening of the film, “Once upon a time in China, there were three sisters. One loved money, one loved power and one loved her country.” Again, anyone who knows a bit about chinese history would know that the one who loved money married H. H. Kung, who was one of the richest people in China. The one who loved power married Chiang Kai-shek and became Madame Chiang Kai-Shek. And the one who loved her country married Dr. Sun Yat-sen, who was a widow for most of her adult life. It is interesitng how these three sisters were eventually defined by their marriages, and of course one would expect that for women from that period.

Now, the Miller sisters were raised in privilege and married into more privileg. Pia married a Getty, Marie-Chantal married a Prince of Greece, and Alexandra married Alexandre Von Furstenberg, the son of Diane Von Furstenberg. While they are not well-known as the movie stars, the movie stars often wish that they could trade places with them, especially if these stars themselves came from trailer homes, never finished school and spoke no foreign languages and therefore were forever self-conscious about making faux-pas.

As China became more and more of a player on the global scene, I sometimes encounter thinly-veiled anti-China sentiment in the form of snobbery. It is a bit akin to how the “unsinkable Molly Brown” was viewed by her fellow first-class passengers on the Titanic. Nouveau riche is a condescending term describing those with newly made money but no class or taste. The Chinese may speak English, but with a Chinese accent that is decidedly not as classy as say a French accent. And no matter how much money they make, they still do not have class.

Well, in addition to the arrogant Anna Wintour who started visiting China, now the aristocratic multi-lingual Diane Von Furstenberg is knocking at the doors of China. Perhaps in the face of the Next Big Thing, no one can afford to care about class.

Now I write like a fanatically nationalistic Chinese! :) To be honest, I am not, but I am decidedly against snobbery. Those who resist the wave of the future (a term so unfortunately made infamous by Anne Lindbergh) certainly will be buried under the wave or pushed into oblivion.

Holiday Party

This past Saturday, we went to a very big holiday party at a friend’s place in Palo Alto. Winston was having so much fun there just roaming around the house, tasting different kinds of food, observing all these strangers and getting in their way. Needless to say, he was the youngest person at this party. When he was first taken into the house, he was a bit scared by the strange surroundings, but after being held for a while, he got used to it. He started walking right between people who were having a conversation – I consider that cute, but I wonder if others think that I am spoiling him rotten. But he is only a year and a half!

The house was decorated appropriately for the holidays, and tastefully furnished by the husband. The wife, who is a biotech entrepreneur like myself, admitted that like me, she was not into housework, home improvement or interior decorating. All the credit therefore goes to her husband. There is an interesting story around how I got to know them. I was on the same plane from San Francisco to Shanghai as the husband S. The plane was delayed, and we ended up chatting as we sat next to each other. After a while, he said, “ you really need to meet my wife, because you two are much alike!” Sure enough, shortly after I returned to the office, I got an email from his wife D. She actually came to my company’s open house, at the invitation of a colleague who has known her for years. Then we became friends. She’s now onto her nth startup company.

Quite a few people who travel in the same circle were at the party, and I would have loved to talk about some of the interesting gossip I learned. But that will have to be saved for a much more private audience... Oh well...

"End of the Year" Resolutions

Most people make New Year’s resolutions. I did a few of those too, but always ended up forgetting what they were in the middle of the year. I should have posted them so that I could always be reminded – but perhaps some of them were not meant for the public eye.

Now that we are approaching the end of the year, I realize that I should make some “End of the Year” resolutions, as surely I will not be so forgetful as to forget about them within the next 2 weeks!

No.1 is that I should make sure that I will have written as many blogs in 2010 as I did in 2009 –which means that I had better hurry up so that I will have 60 blogs in the end. In itself it really is a silly goal, as most of my writing is about nothing. But somehow that would make me feel good and "accomplished"...

No. 2 is that I should actually do those things that I dislike doing but have been talking about doing for a while – such as dealing with those unopened boxes in the garage that otherwise will remain there for the rest of my life, such as filing complaint and small claims against that absolutely unprofessional and cheating agent I hired...

No. 3 is that I should try not to get irritated over small things. Now if this were a New Year’s resolution, I would likely break it like those who decided to steer clear of junk food but found themselves eating ice-cream within a month of making the resolution. But I only have 2 weeks to go for this one, so I am highly confident that I can make it, which would make me feel so good about meeting my goal!

Isn’t it much more gratifying to make “End of the Year” Resolutions than New Year’s Resolutions?

ENFJ

I used to keep a journal, but I now hardly lift a pen unless it is to write a check, sign documents or jot down some quick reminders for myself. A few years ago when I was still living in San Diego, I mentioned at a party that it was such a pity that I would not remember anything since I no longer kept a journal. A friend suggested that I could write a blog, which would have the advantage of being “green” and permanent.

So finally I started writing this blog for that purpose. However, because it is in the public domain, I cannot freely write about everything, especially about my work, which is a pity. There are a lot of interesting stories and observations related to my line of work, and I would love to be able to write them down for a future laugh. I also cannot complain too much or too strongly about anything, as it is likely that those who travel in the same professional circle may accidentally read these blogs (but honestly, who has so much time surfing the web for random blogs these days?) and form a “negative” impression of me.

Speaking of complaining, I do a ton of it. I complain about the weather being dismal, even though most of the time the San Francisco peninsula area has great weather. Imagine what the Scandinavians and the Russians have to deal with! I complain about traffic, although these days I hardly have to drive out for work. I complain about stupidity I encounter, even though these grievances are often minor. As a result, my friends were surprised to find out that I would embark on a new startup within a few months of the sale of the previous one, despite the fact that I complained loudly about how tough and painful it was to do a startup from scratch.

Now this is perhaps a new revelation even to myself. I have a habit of expressing feelings more vividly and strongly than many other people who actually feel much more strongly but express themselves much more sparingly. Therefore, while I certainly did a fair share of whining filled with hyperbole about the pain associated with the first startup, I had the stomach to do it the first time and I certainly have the stomach to do it a second time. Maybe in my case, the minute I get the complaint out of my system, I actually can put up with much more than those positive people who hardly complain.

After all, I am an ENFJ by Myers Briggs...

Revisiting "Snow Falling on Cedars"

I do love great cinematography. It was years ago when I saw “Snow Falling on Cedars” in the theater. Recently I watched it again. While I did not particular care for the plot, I loved those great images of heavy white snow falling on cedars. I felt as if I could almost touch the snowflakes, smell the cedars and feel the chilly air.

The reason why I would even bother to watch it in the theater when it was first released was partly due to the actor Ethan Hawke, mostly because he was in one of my favorite movies “Dead Poets Society”. It helps that he in real life is about my age. I can’t say that I liked “Reality Bites”, but I found “Gattaca” inspiring, “Great Expectations” interesting, and “Snow Falling on Cedars” charming. In almost all those movies, he plays characters that have a near-obsessive love and singular devotion for the female protagonist. I found that utterly enthralling, if a bit crazy. It was what I loved in a movie character - steadfast and blinding love.

Over 10 years later, as I watched “Snow Falling on Cedars” again, I could no longer appreciate the obsession as much as I did before. I wonder if it has to do with my current profession, which has forced me to be less sentimental in general. Or perhaps it is the simple effect of age?

Come to think of it, I do miss the years when I was foolishly sentimental – those were years when everything remained a possibility, when nothing was certain, and when I felt that my youth alone would make me invincible.

Perhaps I am fooling myself – I am never rid of my sentimentality, no matter how many companies I start...

One of My Favorite Dialogues from a Woody Allen Film

As I now live in Palo Alto, I sometimes think of a dialogue from Woody Allen’s movie “Melinda & Melinda”.

The socially ambitious wife played by Amanda Peet urged her husband to go to a party at the Hamptons, and said, “Everybody who is somebody has a house in the Hamptons.”

The very unambitious and whiny husband played by Will Farrell quick responded, “But if you are somebody who is nobody, you don’t want to be with anybody who is everybody.”

There is unavoidable snobbery in wealthy neighborhoods. All I hope is that Winston will grow up to be neither blindly ambitious like Amanda Peet’s character, nor despondently cynical like Will Farrell’s character. I don’t want him to live for wealth and status, but I don’t’ want him to be fazed by wealth and status either. I just want him to live a happy and fulfilling life no matter where he lives and what he does in the future.

Penny Wise, Pound Foolish

I have always understood the concept of “Penny Wise Pound Foolish”, but somehow I seem to keep making the same mistake.

For the house we have in San Diego, I hired an agent Sandra Chang who together with her husband John Bell run this real estate agency called “Emperor Realty”. I think the key reason for hiring her was really because she only charged 5% of the rent, although I justified to myself further by saying that Michael’s parents’ properties in San Diego were also under her management.

As rule, we get what we paid for. To start with, Sandra did not show the house to any potential tenant, after she put the ad I wrote up into the MLS system. I showed the house to everyone who expressed interest, and I decided on the tenants as well as the rent. When I asked her to hire a cleaner to clean up the house after we moved out and before the new tenants moved in, apparently the cleaner did a poor job. The arrangement I structured with Emperor Realty was such that my tenant would pay them, and they would take their cut and pay me. The very first check I got from Emperor Realty bounced. That should have been a telling sign. I scolded her, only to get a really defensive reaction as if I were unfair to her.

My tenants then listed a few things they wanted fixed. Sandra sent in the same handyman without ever showing up at the house. Then she asked for a reserve fund to cover repairs, so that the handyman would not have to wait until the tenant pays the rent that month to get paid. I said fine and gave her $1000, only to remember later on that she also was holding onto the deposit from the tenant, which surely can cover any small repairs.

Fortunately, I selected good tenants, and they have maintained the property nicely. Then earlier this spring, we heard that Sandra died of a stroke suddenly. Needless to say, I did not bother her widower John Bell for a while. I only started calling him when my rent checks were continuously delayed. I never got hold of him. Meanwhile, my parents-in-law took advantge of their trip to San Diego to fire John Bell from managing their properties in San Diego. I don’t recall exactly what deterred me from following suit, but my guess is that partly it was because I was afraid of losing the rent and the deposit John Bell owed me if I were to fire him long-distance without showing up in person in San Diego. And perhaps I also felt bad that his wife died.

But things got worse and worse. By October, he owed me two months of rent and was utterly incommunicado. I decided to switch to the agent that my parents-in-law hired for their properties, and fire John Bell, or Emperor Realty. The letter was returned – the office had already been shut down. When I asked the new agent, who is not really that helpful to locate John Bell, she said that she could not find anyone from Emperor Realty, and the only house associated with John Bell had just been foreclosed. No one could find this guy! Now the total amount he owes me is close to $8000, which is not an amount that I am happy to part with. This agent then provided me Aaron Cheng’s phone number, who’s Sandra’s son from a previous marriage. I called him and he actually returned my phone call. He gave me a 30-minute sob story of how he really does not have the money to pay me, although he was so innocent that he got a broker’s license so that his late mother could be a realtor under his broker’s license, how John Bell has been acting strange to him and how he cannot easily get hold of John Bell either, etc, etc. Honestly, he sounded like a broken record. He said that there were remaining bills to be paid, and some of these bills don’t have contracts associated with them, but he trusted these old chinese people. I said, “they may not have a contract with you. But I do.” He said that he would look into it and talk to John Bell, and asked me to keep all this private and quiet so as to not tarnish his mother’s memory.

My agent sent all the proofs of the money that Emperor Realty to Aaron. However, since then, he has also disappeared depsite my repeated phone calls. I now realize – if only I had hired a more expensive agent, I probably would have prevented all this from happening. After all, we do get what we paid for.

Perhaps it is time for me to learn something new – i.e. How to file a small claims lawsuit. It is not exactly an experience that I would like to gain, but perhaps I should not be so condescending as to what skill is worth obtaining and what is not. Who knows – I might have to do it again in the future! :)

Peer Pressure

I went to visit the International School of the Peninsula yesterday, which has the oldest Chinese immersion program in Bay Area. The school started out as a French immersion school, and added the Chinese immersion program in mid 1990s. When I showed up at the school, there were already a dozen parents there. Apparently, a lot of them met each other before. I did not know anyone, but I did recognize that one woman is a partner at perhaps most of the best-known venture capital firms in the country. They were chatting with each other, reminding each other where they last met, and I heard “Day One”. I asked what “Day One” was, and it turned out to be a place for expectant mothers and those with infants to attend classes. It has locations in San Francisco, Walnut Creek and Palo Alto, where perhaps there is the high-end need for super-attentive prenatal and post-natal care. Once again, I felt like the least prepared and most delinquent mother there. I now realize why I have hesitated joining any mothers’ club – it is because I will always feel like a loser in such a group! :)

Interestingly, out of the dozen parents there, only one parent was there for the French immersion program. I could not help asking the director of admissions what the acceptance rate for Chinese immersion program is these days, as well as the reasons for rejecting a kid. She of course tried to be reassuring and said that it’s about 60-70% acceptance rate, and the rejection was often because the kid was not ready for such a structured environment.

The tour was ver nice. Everything I saw and heard was great. I got to see the class in action in nursery, pre-K and kindergarten. The kids were chiming in Chinese and the classrooms had a lot of education tools and supplies. The yard is big with lots of room for running. The elementary and middle school campus is at a different location from the nursery to kindergarten. It was so interesting just standing in the hallway, as I would hear chinese being spoken here and there. And then suddenly a kid would walk down the hallway, greeting a teacher “Bonjour”, and the teacher would cheerfully respond, “Bonjour. Tu es bien?”

Apparently kids in the Chinese immersion program pick up French as a third language so fast that the teachers were astounded. The elementary and middle school offers exchange programs for kids to go to China or Taiwan for a week or two at a time.

After this tour, I must say that if I don’t send Winston to this school, I will feel really delinquent. Of course, I recognize at the same time that this is mostly due to the “peer pressure” for parents. I can’t imagine how much peer pressure poor little Winston will feel when he grows up! :)

Life and Death

These days news of death affect me much more than before. Is it because I am older and therefore closer to death than before? Or is it because I increasingly realize how vulnerable and fragile life is? Or is it because I can now better imagine how terrible it is to lose a loved one, whereas I was previously rather oblivious?

Elizabeth Edwards died from cancer. I do not envy her life - losing her son at age 16 to a car accident, being diagnosed with cancer a few years after she gave birth to her youngest child at age 50 due to aggressive fertility treatments which probably resulted in the cancer, seeing her once-dashing husband turn into a much ridiculed figure (in public and by herself) and now finally dying at a relatively young age of 61. I wonder – why was she so unlucky?

But that is a question that cannot be answered by anyone. Maybe by comparison to many people out there, she already lived a very lucky life. She has three beautiful and thriving kids. She had a good marriage for many years. She has a lot friends and family to support her. She has fortune that allowed her to have and do things that other less fortunate people cannot. She has felt her impact in the society. Yes, perhaps she was lucky after all.

Death humbles the most arrogant of us, and it makes us all appreciate life and treasure what we have.

It Has Been Raining the Whole Day...

It has been raining the whole day. For sunny Palo Alto, it is rather rare. As I look out of the window of my office and listen to the rain drops falling on the roof, I cannot but feel a bit melancholy. Really I cannot imagine how the Scandinavians survive half of the year!

Apparently some scientists have found that there is some correlation between being born in the bleak winter months and having a higher chance of mood disorders - http://www.biospace.com/news_story.aspx?NewsEntityId=204317&Source=YesterdaysMostPopular.

In that case, I certainly have no excuses. I was born in the heat of the summer, but I do find my mood affected by the weather. I actually like falling asleep listening to the raindrops, as it is so soothing. But when I am awake, I want beautiful sunshine.

Well, I hope that this latest study has some merit. Winston was a June baby...

A Belated Report on Thanksgiving

I recall griping about Thanksgiving as I don’t like turkey, nothing opens and travelling is hectic during Thanksgiving. But now that I have a kid, I have to make him happy over this holiday. I always feel guilty about leaving him with the nanny even though I am not even working full-time... So I have to make up for it occasionally.

On Thanksgiving Day, we went to my friend Tim’s place for the traditional Thanksgiving fare. I have not had any turkey (and I do mean any turkey at all) for many years due to my intense dislike of it. Tim’s wife did everything from scratch – turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, etc. I have to say that I still don’t like cranberry sauce, but the turkey and stuffing were actually pretty good. Winston loved the stuffing and baked beans, and he ate a ton of them, which led to diarrhea the next day, as he’s lactose intolerant and there was milk in both the stuffing and the baked beans.

On Friday, we were going to go to Michael’s sister’s place, but her family all caught a bad cold. Instead, we went shopping with Winston at Stanford Shopping Center and eating out for dinner. Winston was not too thrilled sitting in the high chair at Hobbee’s in Palo Alto, but he was overall well behaved. On Saturday, we went to a neighbor’s house (who’s also a colleague of michael’s in the same department) for early brunch party with winston at 10 am where there were other kids from other stanford professors (all in the same department), all of whom were older though. None of the kids played with Winston, and they would push him away when he clumsily tried to touch the toys they were playing. Good-humoredly, Winston just walked away when he was unwelcome. After I put him down for his afternoon nap, we went to an adult’s party – a friend is having a big celebration of their turtle’s 30th birthday. He gave this turtle to his wife before they started dating! It was all big and formal with printed invitations. I realize that the only way for me to utterly relax is at an adults’ party, as otherwise my eyes and ears would constantly follow Winston to make sure that he’s well taken care of. On Sunday, we took him as usual to the nearby farmers’ market in the morning and then after some playing in the park, he ate lunch, drank milk and fell asleep for 3 hours. We were going to go to a friend’s place for dumplings – her daughter is 7 months older than winston. But her daughter started having a runny nose and to be safe, we did not go. Instead we took him to meet another friend – we met at the Santa Claus area of Stanford Shopping Center. Then we drove to see the Los Altos Light Parade, which apparently is like a phenomenon of the area – Winston was utterly mesmerized by the various bands from local public and private schools, as well as those colorful displays parading down the street. People treat this event like Bostonians with the July 4 fireworks – they lined up the street with their lounge chairs during the day time long before the parade started.

My arms were so sore after holding Winston up over the Thanksgiving holiday, but it’s all worth it as he had a very good time. Of course he will not remember a thing...

A Belated Report on Halloween

I am a complete pushover when it comes to peer pressure. Despite how much I talked about not doing anything for Halloween, we still decided to dress Winston up as a green dragon and went trick-or-treating around College Terrace area, which is on the edge of Stanford campus. Of course he had no clue what was going on, but he was welcome at every house.

When we came to one house with the door open, we knocked. A young woman came by, and then went back inside to report that it was a boy trick-or-treating. Suddenly a lot of young people came out, apparently partying at the time. The person in front was Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook. I was so taken back that I probably stared at him a little bit. He was praising Winston to be the cutest dragon ever. We got some candies, thanked them and left.

Afterwards, when I watched Michael’s video, I almost laughed. The minute he caught Mark Zuckerberg on camera, it dropped, presumably due to his surprise. Then he picked it up again, and Mark Zuckerberg noticed it. He hesitated for a split second and decided to ignore it and laugh with Winston instead.

By the way, for those who have seen the movie “Social Network”, I have to comment that the real life Mark Zuckerberg is better looking than the actor. That usually does not happen, except in the cases of “Social Network” and “Sylvia”.

Winston got to meet Mark Zuckerberg at his first Halloween! Yeah!

Comparing the Education Systems of the US and China

Recently an article in New York Times has elicited some discussions among my friends, largly around comparison of the education systems of the United States and China- http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/07/education/07education.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=homepage. The fact that China is investing so much money into educating the next generation should indeed be taken seriously by the United States, if it still wants to maintain a lead in science and technology.

Incidentally, I scheduled a visit to the Stanford daycare center where Winston is on the waiting list to enter next year as a two-year old. I figure that I should at least see what it’s like. Considering that only Stanford affiliates can get in, and it almost never has openings, I expected a great daycare center that would blow my mind away.

Suffice to say that the exact opposite happened. It’s a two-story building, but each class is confined to its own classroom most of the day, except for when they are let outside in the small yard to play. The classroom has some toys, and the teacher to kids ratio for the 2 year old class is 6 to 1, which is not bad. I asked where they would eat and nap, and the answer was the same room. When I expressed puzzlement as to where they could sleep, the teacher pointed to a stack of mats, which are rolled out for the children’s nap. Each family supplies a sheet and a blanket, and the kids would sleep in their clothes on those mats spread out on the floor. The teachers have associate degrees but there were no musical instruments around for music classes. They supply two snacks but parents would have to supply lunch.

I always thought that my son would have better opportunities than I did when I was growing up. However, when it comes to daycare/preschoo/kindergarten, I have to say that Winston might be worse off than I was. My daycare/kindergarten which I attended was the experimental kindergarden affiliated with Beijing Normal University. The campus is at least 10 times as big as the Stanford one. All the teachers were trained in early-childhood education, and most can play the piano. We had a classroom, a dining room, a bedroom where each kid has his or her own bed, where we would nap comfortably in our sleep clothes under our own warm blanket. There was a big performance hall with hardwood floors, where we would put on shows to entertain foreign visitors. The yard has a huge fountain, big trees, large area to run around, lots of play structures, and a vegetable garden where we were taught to pick cucumbers and tomatoes when they were in season. We were taught to sing along with our teachers’ piano playing, listen to stories and put on various performance shows. When we got up from the afternoon nap, the teachers would comb each girl’s hair. I remember wanting to have long hair, so that the teacher could braid my hair. But unfortunately I always had short hair. Both lunch and dinner were served, although I recall not liking the food too much.

When I complained to a friend of mine, she pointed out that my daycare/kindergarten was perhaps one of the most elite ones in China. She talked about hers when she was a kid. The teachers would chat among themselves instead of paying attention to the kids. While the yard was big, there was only one or two play structures, and all the kids would have to wait in long lines. The worst was the open-air bathrooms with those holes in the ground – apparently sometimes kids would fall into those holes. Out of fear of falling into those “shit-holes”, she often tried to hold herself instead of going to the bathroom, when many other kids just peed in their pants without the teachers noticing anything. Is that the norm in China then?

Regardless, I recall visiting my old high-school where my mom was a teacher before her retirement. In terms of facility and resources, it exceeds even La Jolla High School, which is supposed to be one of the top high schools in this country. And this article in New York Times further makes me question the quality of public education in the US. Private schools in the US, on the other hand, easily surpass the schools in China in terms of hardware and software.

Well, perhaps that’s why I feel the pressure to make some money so that Winston can go to private schools from the beginning...

A Day in the Life of Winston

Yesterday was a Sunday, and Winston had a blast.

In the morning, we took him to Farmer’s Market on California Avenue in Palo Alto, where he watched the musicians play, the chickens roast, and the crepes being made fresh. He insisted on grabbing one of the small bottles of apple cider, so as indulgent parents, we bought the tiny bottle of cider for $4, and he immediately lost interest. He studied the small Japanese eggplants and other fruits and vegetables and ran around. When I stopped at a café to have a cup of coffee and a croissant, he also had a few bites of the croissant and visibly enjoyed the buttery and sweet taste of it.


Winston kneads the naan


Winston pities the poor chickens

Winston inspects the produce

Winston heads the cider heist

Winston commands the cafe

Then we set out for Alamo to visit a friend with two small boys. We had talked about getting together for months, but one thing or another led to the delay of this get-together for almost a year! I know – it’s completely ridiculous. Even now, winston’s cold has not gone away. But my friend said that she did not mind it, as her two boys had already gone through that rite of passage and are much more robust than before. The drive was overall fine, but I was exhausted at the end, as I had to keep getting new toys out of the bag, read books or do other things to entertain Winston, or else he would whine out of boredom.

After an hour's drive, we arrived in Alamo, which is a really beautiful bedroom community. My friend’s house is full of all kinds of toys. Initially Winston was a bit shy and scared by all those strangers, but he got used to it. He loved eating the shrimps and salmon and rosemary potatoes. And he was roaming around the house happily. My friend commented that he was looking more and more like me. Indeed he’s such a little mommy’s boy. When he saw me from a distance, his mouth would open wide into a huge grin and run towards me. He’s so adorable.


Winston plays with the non-toy

Winston soaks in the scenery

After feeding him milk, we said goodbye to our hosts and started driving back home. He was tired and unhappy and cried a bit because it was too sunny in the car. Then he fell asleep. Poor Winston still coughed a couple of times during his sleep as his nose is still runny and he got woken up by his own cough a couple of times. He slept about an hour in total until he got woken up by my cough – yes I caught his cold and I also have not recovered. Since he did not want to go back to sleep, we took him to Palo A lto Junior Museum and Zoo where he could look at the raccoons, the bobcats, the geese, the ducks, the rats, the mice, the rabbits, the birds and a peacock. He played with some of the gadgets too. Because he fell into a puddle, we had to drive him back home to change his pants and then decided to take him to the Stanford Shopping Center, as it was going to get dark soon.

Winston turns the turbine

At Pottery Barn Kids, he was thrilled by the toys there and was constantly getting into other people’s way to reach the toys he wanted. Because he was so absorbed by the toys, he did not even go after the bathroom door often. My major concern right now is that he seems to be only interested in opening and closing doors whenever he goes to a park. But Pottery Barn Kids clearly has enough distraction for him!

Winston rides the Pottery Barn cow

Winston brews the imaginary coffee

Winston beguiles the baketresses

So that’s a day in Winston’s life. I wish that I could say that he often has such full and exciting days, but in reality I have been too delinquent as a mother to take him to many places. Most of the time he’s with the nanny at the same parks and playgrounds every day, coming home to the same toys and books every day, watching the same TV programs while eating his meals every day.

To Care or Not to Care

The other day, I had an email exchange with a rather cynical friend of mine. He reminded me that he predicted Obama would eventually disappoint, first and foremost because the expectation was so high at the beginning. In other words, he said that Obama did not know the importance of “managing expectations” - a phrase that is often used in corporate America, largely to mean under-promise and over-deliver, as that’s the recipe for staying in power.

I then pointed out that it was impossible for Obama to do that, as he had to get elected president by the people of this country, as opposed to getting appointed CEO of a company by a few board members. Under-promising is surely a suicidal approach when it comes to electoral politics. Perhaps it is the fallacy of the system of democracy.

After all, Winston Churchill said, “democracy is the worst form of government, except that all other forms have been tried and failed.” As for leaving the election of a country’s leader to the general public, he quipped, “The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.”

My friend remarked that it was admirable for me to still care about politics despite how pointless it all is. Most people consider “caring” a selfless act, as we devote our mental and physical energies to impossible but fundamentally good causes.

Actually I beg to differ - “caring” for anything in itself is crucial to one’s well-being, without which life will feel like death. Therefore, if we care, we live a positive life. If we don’t care, we are just passing time. Of course, often times, we naturally and involuntarily care about a lot of things such as one’s family and friends. The more we care, and the more things we care about, the more we feel connected to the act of living and engaged in the current world.

To care is actually a self-serving act as well.

Winston's 3rd Cold in 2010

Poor Winston threw up his lunch because he was coughing very hard. His nose was so stuffed that he was crying a great deal before finally falling asleep today. I am having an internet discussion with my friend, as I complain to her about the nanny who’s probably neither so efficient at work nor very careful in separating Winston from sick people when they go to the playground. She thinks that I am way too OCD about cleanliness, and that even if it’s the nanny’s fault that Winston gets sick so often, the best approach is to deal with it peacefully, instead of blaming her. I admit that I could be a demanding boss when it comes to Winston.

And as it turned out, I have since caught Winston’s cold, because I have spent the most time taking care of him during his sickness.

Hiring and managing a live-in nanny definitely has been a learning experience for me, and a painful one for that matter. I have leanred to lower my expectations, as Winston grows bigger and less vulnerable. Indeed I wish that I could find a perfect nanny for Winston, but so far I have learned to settle for less. At least, he will be going to daycare next year, in which case I can deal with finding someone else then.

I remember my own nanny, who took care of me until I was about four years old. I remember being closer to her than my mother, as my mother would chase after me to force me to go to school when I did not understand anything that was taught in school. After all I was not even four years old then! My mother probably thought that it was good for me to be exposed to a classroom, and I simply did not want to sit there. My most distinctive memory from that period is watching my mom across the vegetable field as she was chasing after me around the field, with my nanny at my side, frantically helping me to escape my mother. I suppose that my mother was not too pleased with the nanny aiding in my escape.

When we moved back to Beijing, she came to visit me once, and I was elated to see her. I wanted her to stay, but eventually she went back to the countryside of Shanxi. She died very lonely. I think about her still.

Halloween

Many people have asked me if I am planning to do anything special for Halloween and my answer has been no. Sure, I am a rather lazy mother in that I try not to plan things which Winston might be too young to appreciate anyways. But in all honesty, I have always been a bit anti-Halloween.

There are 3 aspects to Halloween that I don’t like:

First, it encourages kids to eat candies. I was unlucky to have been born in the austere Mao-era of China, but I was lucky to have not been exposed to sweets often in my childhood. As a result, to this day, I don’t eat candies or sweet things in general. In a country with abundant access to candies, it will be hard enough for me to keep Winston away from such junk food. And I certainly don’t want Halloween’s help....

Second, I hate horror films, and I genuinely think that it is not a good idea for little kids to be exposed to scary things. And Halloween is all about scary costumes and masks. Americans’ fascination with horror does baffle me. Doesn’t everyone want to sleep soundly without waking up in a nightmare?

Third, I dislike holidays that encourage comparisons. Who has better costumes? What are you going to be this year? How much candy did you get? Etc, etc. There is enough peer pressure already!

London

I went to London for a business conference. Since the conference started on Monday morning, I flew in on Sunday morning. I have always loved London and certainly could not pass up the chance to see a bit of London with a few extra hours. A friend of mine who works at Schlumberger near Oxford came up to London and we visited the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square, had a fusion Indian lunch and then a light Japanese dinner. The hotel (City Inn Westminster) is only a few minutes from Westminster Abbey and Parliament, and the conference took place at Queen Elizabeth II conference center which is next to the Abbey. While I missed Winston and worried about him a little bit, I did enjoy the few days in London despite a very hectic conference schedule meeting with over 30 companies in two days.

One of the observations my friend made after living in the UK for a while was that “there are many more doors”. I said that I had not noticed it. Then I started noticing it! I think it is due to the British sense of propriety that they have so many more doors, especially in publich bathrooms. I would open one door, only to realize that it was leading to another door. I suppose this type of arrangement would ensure that no one would be caught in an embarrassing state!

Winston Got Sick Again!

Winston got sick again! Maybe he was healthy for about 5 days after he recovered from the last cold. I could not believe my own eyes when I saw him with a runny nose. Because of the stuffy nose, he did not sleep much during his nap and went to sleep at 7:30 pm. Then around 9:30 pm he suddenly got up from his crib, started coughing, and when I opened the door, I saw him holding onto the crib railing throwing up his dinner. Throughout all this, he hardly cried. I felt so sorry for him. He’s still just a baby.

After we cleaned up his crib, I put him down and he immediately closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He was so exhausted. I told a friend of mine about it, and she said that she really felt for me. She has 3 boys, and with each one of them having to build up an immune system, I imagine that the mother must by necessity develop a heroic personality. I guess I ought not to complain about my own suffering seeing my son sick with a cold.

If a toddler gets sick 12 times on average every year, does it mean that I have another 10 to look forward to until September 2011?

Revisit "Anna Karenina"

I watched the BBC adaptation of Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina” when I was a kid. I don’t remember much except that my grandmother and mother both found Anna unbearable and Karenin likable. Their comments were, “What’s wrong with Anna? Karenin is such a nice guy. And that Count Vronsky is a rascal for sure.”

Somehow, I thought of watching it again when I found it on Netflix. No wonder I did not remember a thing from before –I could not have possibly possessed the intellect or experience to truly understand it. Tolstoy’s ability to understand human emotions is truly astounding. It is almost as if he lived through Anna’s experience. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he was gay after all, which made it possible for him to get a pulse on a woman’s feelings.

Yes, indeed I can see why my grandmother and my mother could not stand Anna. She was after all impetuous, impossible and unstable in the end. Yet at the same time, as a grown woman, I can also understand Anna and truly feel sorry for her, as her fate was inevitable. Nicola Pagett’s portrayal of Anna was terrific. Interestingly, I remember my mother telling me that she flipped through all the sections on Levin when she was reading the book. And here I was, fast-forwarding all the sections on Levin when I was watching the TV series. I really found him tedious. I suppose that he represented an individual with political ideals, whereas Anna was just an individual struggling with her personal happiness. However, ultimately what touches me is not abstract lofty ideals – it is always intensely personal and individualized feelings.

That is why we live – to experience a whole gamut of emotions through our experiences on earth. Perhaps I used to fool myself into thinking that our human existence is meant to make a big difference to the world, to the planet and to the whole universe. But now I realize that fundamentally the only thing that ever touches me viscerally is palpable and understandable human emotion. And Tolstoy was a master in capturing it with his masterpiece “Anna Karenina”.

Winston got sick...

Winston caught a cold right after I came back from Boston. It really has been painful for me to see him sufer from the cold, with his eyes watery, nose runny and gasping for air every time he drinks milk or water or eat anything, as he needed his mouth to breathe.

He’s still at home with the live-in nanny, because I want to postpone the time when he will be catching all kinds of viruses and germs until he’s at least 2 years old. Therefore, I was not happy with the nanny or Michael. Of course, as a mother, I immediately noticed a lot of things – he was dressed too lightly, he did not have enough blanket on him, he was not separated from sick kids in the park, and his hands were not promptly washed or wiped after touching dirty things, etc.

Several friends told me that parents suffer more than the kids when the kids are sick, especially babies, and they are right. While I had a lingering cold for almost a month, somehow it was not that bad to me, except that I was constantly afraid of Winston catching it.

A friend warned me, “the year when my son went to daycare, I had never been sicker in my entire life. He brought home all kinds of nasty stuff, and I was almost constantly sick.” He asked me to brace myself for it! - I am already thinking about home logsitics when Winston goes to daycare next year. I will probably have to keep a nanny still – either a live-in nanny or a couple of part-time nannies that could be on call. Indeed it is so much work to raise a kid that I do wonder how others can handle more than one kid. Another friend said that he could not figure out how people could deal with even just one baby, since he already found it challenging to take care of just one dog! :)

Yes, perhaps I should brace myself for more illnesses to happen to poor little Winston. However, no matter how much I brace myself, I will probably still find it painful to see him sick.

On Route to Boston Again...

I wrote the entry below almost 2 weeks ago, but have been too busy to post it until just now....

I am on the plane again, and again flying from San Francisco to Boston, almost exactly one month after my previous trip. In a way, I am very happy about the business trip. I will get to meet with many different biotech companies, learning about their various programs. It is intellectually stimulating. I might have time to see a friend, but that is not even certain - this time the schedule is so tight that I have scheduled 36 face-to-face meetings at the conference, not to mention having to deal with my usual daily business emails at the end of the day and attending the conference receptions to make new contacts for business development purpose. Boston is now entering the fall season, which is considered by most people to be the best season for the city. I might be one of the few people on earth who have lived in Boston for years and who still love its hot, steamy and green summer than its cool, dry and colorful autumn. I love the idea of life at its prime, and never enjoy the season why things start to fall, wither and die. I was after all born in the heat of the summer. And so was my dear little darling boy Winston. Well, he probably does not like the hot summer as much as I do, since he was born in June, the beginning of summer, which is perhaps the most beautiful month of the year.

Ah yes my little Winston! Right now, he should be sound asleep in his crib for his afternoon nap. I have left detailed instructions for the nanny as well as Michael, but I still fret over numerous things. Will the nanny pay attention to the temperature change enough to change his clothes so that he’s neither too hot nor too cold? Will Michael remember to turn on the baby monitor at night before he goes to sleep? Will the nanny give him enough water and fruits so that he will not be constipated? Will Michael remember how to give him a bath and what to dress him at night? Will they remember to open his windows in the morning to air out his room, and close his window and door when he goes to sleep? The list goes on and on...

Indeed since I came back from the last trip to Boston, I caught a terrible cold that last for over 3 weeks. Even now I am still coughing. The stress associated with moving from South San Francisco combined with having to continue working while taking care of Winston has perhaps contributed further to weakening my immune system to fight off viruses and bacteria. I took the entire course of azithromycin, and then cough syrup with codeine, and finally started to recover. Meanwhile, Michael has stayed up alll night periodically to finish up his grand proposals. As one of my friends observed, middle-age is perhaps the hardest period of one’s life, when one has so many responsibilities at work and at home.

Winston has been going to the nearby parks. As I am writing, I start wondering if he’s now bored by the same park that the nanny likes to take him. She got to meet some other nannies and therefore likes to take him there. But he has such short attention spans! Maybe when I go back to Bay Area, I should tell the nanny to alternate among the parks. - I am already making a list of things to tell the nanny upon my return, even though I have not yet landed in Boston! :)

Speaking of the move, we finally moved from South San Francisco to sunny Palo Alto end of August. It was a lot of work but everyone is so much happier, including the nanny. In fact, she would not have come to work for me had it not been for the fact that we would be moving to Palo Alto soon. She did not like South San Francisco at all, for its weather, its neighborhood or its location.

When I took my parents-in-law to the airport last week, I took advantage of the opportunity to have lunch with a friend in Burlingame, and then got a facial and a haircut at places she recommended. It was essentially a half personal day for myself, and it felt great. Another friend told me, “I have learned in a very hard way that we need to take very good care of ourselves before we can take care of people around us.” Perhaps that is something I should keep in mind. Indeed when I feel good, I can do much more than when I feel awful emotionally or physically.

So perhaps I will not push myself to host that house-warming party any time soon. I will take it easier.

My First Business Trip After Winston's Birth

I just arrived in Boston for business – the first time I have taken a business trip out of town since Winston’s birth. This morning I woke up at 1:30 am thinking about what else I needed to tell Michael and the nanny regarding Winston’s schedule and habits. Usually in the darkest time of the night, I get really worried. I did not doze off until a few hours later, and then Winston woke up. The flight from San Francisco to Boston was supposed to be 6 hours long so I thought that I was going to catch up on my sleep on the plane. But no – I was completely wired the whole time, not reading or writing on my computer, but just constantly thinking about all sorts of things, mostly to prevent my mind from drifting to Winston’s cherubic face, as that would bring me to almost tears.

I now understand what it means to feel a “heartache” - he is so dear to me that I cannot even bear to think about him when I am so far away from him...

My First Movie in the Theater Alone

Since Winston was born, I have seen many movies – on Netflix. The convenience it offers is unmatchable – I would often choose to watch a movie on Netflix Instant after Winston has gone to sleep, and if I fall asleep in the middle, I get to start where I left off exactly the next time. I could choose to abandon a boring movie and start a new one anytime.

But there is something about going to a movie theater that makes the movie-watching experience special. I can’t really describe it accurately. The difference between watching a film at home and seeing it in the theater is akin to the difference btween eating a great dinner at home and eating in a fancy restaurant. It’s got that extra edge of excitement – like I am going to do something fun. That sense of anticipation combined with the sense of sharing this experience with many other people I don’t know and will never know makes it not only special, but also somewhat exotic.

Therefore, when a friend recommended the movie “Inception”, I decided to see it in the theater. After all, I still live (as of today) 10 minutes away from a movie theater. Michael took his whole lab out for a hiking trip yesterday. My mom is still around and so is the new nanny. After I put Winston down for his nap, it turned out that it was right before the next show of “Inception” would start.

As I was walking into the theater, I was thinking to myself, “this is the first time in my life that I am going to see a movie in the theater by myself.” Perhaps because I would know no one at the theater, I was wearing completely mismatched clothes and shoes, and my hair must have been sticking out from my hasty combing in the morning. In the old days, if I were to get together with friends, I would at least try not to look too bad!

Well, maybe that’s the advantage of seeing a movie alone in the theater – I can be as dishevelled as I like. The movie itself is quite an exciting experience. Considering how I am a fanatical fan of “The Matrix” but absolutely did not like either of the two sequels, I genuinely hope that there will not be a sequel to this movie, despite the fact that the ending seemed a bit enigmatic. Sometimes it is better to have an enigma than a revelation. As a scientist-turned businesswoman, I am the ultimate proponent of clarity and pragmatism. But I think there is a place for everything. I would not want the allures of enigmas in my daily life or relationships, irrespective of how we as human beings are naturally attracted to such things. Yet on the other hand, I would not want to seek clarity or logic in fictions or fantasy, as that would either lead to disappointment in our own pedestrian life for its lack of excitement or spice, as fervent readers of romance literature are disillusioned by the lack of perfection in their own love lives; or it would lead to disappointment in an otherwise perfectly fascinating story, which could only have stayed perfect if we left it unresearched further.

That was my feeling regarding “The Matrix” trilogy, and it is my feeling with “Inception”. I am not certain that I know exactly what happened in the end, but that was just fine. I am sure that when my friend comes to visit Bay Area later this month, we could have an interesting discussion on our respective takes, reading much more into each gesture of Leonardo Dicaprioo than necessary – I should mention that I remain a fan of his. I know that “Titanic” is a silly movie for teenage girls, but I loved it nonetheless. While he seems to like working with Martin Scorsesee, I don’t like any of those movies he made with Scorsesee. I liked “Catch me if you can” and “Blood Diamond”. And I just really like him!

Enough of this stream-of-consciousness writing about movie-watching experience....

The Upcoming Move

For the upcoming move to our new house near Stanford campus, I started looking for a moving company.

ACE Relocation handled my moves from Boston to San Diego as well as from San Diego to Bay Area. The first time it was great – we got up in the morning and packed up a suitcase for ourselves for a week, but did absolutely no packing. The movers showed up and packaged up the entire apartment in a matter of a couple of hours. Things showed up in San Diego in nice condition. The only downside was that I had to unpack so many boxes due to their excessive padding.

The second time, however, was not that great. We lost some items but they refused to pay for them even though we paid for extra insurance. The movers were not as efficient as the ones in Boston.

As this upcoming move is a local move, I thought that I would check out some cheap Chinese moving companies. Sure enough, they are a lot cheaper than others. But will they show up? - I asked on the phone a Chinese moving company referred to me by a friend, “what if you don’t show up on Saturday August 28? Should we sign some paperwork first?” he said, “Why would we not want to show up? We are running a business here. In fact, we don't have time to sign any paperwork." Then another friend told me that one of her former roommates did encounter that problem – the chinese moving company did not show up on the scheduled day. So I guess I will have to pay the extra money for an American moving company still.

Then of course the question is “what do we want to get rid of before moving?” Since Michael is the picky one with respect to furniture, I gave him a list of furniture stores recommended by other friends. Our current couch is the same one that we had when we were both graduate students in Boston area. I remember that it cost us only $60 to buy that used couch, sometime around 1997. Now for the 13 years since, we did look for couches but never could find anything that satisfies Michael. The fabric is tearing up so badly that I am sure that anyone who visits wonders why we are so cheap. My mom is a thrifty person, but even she mentioned several times that she did not see why we would still keep that old couch.

While the new house has all the appliances ready, it does not come with any window treatment. I went to Home Depot one day, hoping to decide on a kind of blinds. It had been a long time since I last went into a Home Depot store, as I am perhaps the extreme opposite of the “do-it-yourself” mentality. I know nothing about home improvement or gardening. It was overwhelming – I was shocked to see what one could buy in Home Depot. Literally one could build a house with stuff from Home Depot!

Needless to say, I was confused by the many varieties of blinds and shutters, and decided after a few minutes of browsing that perhaps this job should be left to Michael as well, in case he thinks that my taste is blinds is as bad as my taste in furniture.

I have to say that I really admire people who either have the courage to go through any home improvement projects or those who would even go through building up extensions of a house or a new house. After owning a house in San Diego for many years, I have remained as hopeless as ever about such things.

The weather in South San Francisco for the past few weeks has been atrocious – it’s so cold, windy and cloudy all the time that our heater still has to be turned on, in the middle of summer! For most people who work outside of this area, perhaps it’s okay to return to a house in this area after a whole day of seeing sunshine. However, since I have been working at home, it really has been dreadful. I can’t wait until we move to Palo Alto!

Nanny Issues (3)

Will I ever be finished with nanny issues?

I let the Shanghai nanny go last weekend, and I have to say that it was not easy for me. She was quite emotional and burst into tears when she said goodbye to Winston.

Overall, she did like Winston, but her health remained a big concern for me. She did not have much energy partly due to her diabetes. She tried to conserve energy by leaving Winston in the stroller most of the time, and he did not complain about sitting in the stroller for hours every day. In addition, I could tell that she was not used to following instructions. She much preferred to be left alone, even after she made mistakes. I guess that’s understandable pride, but I would not want to have a nanny with such an attitude. I would make a suggestion, and I would not hear any response from her. And then I would see that often she did not follow those suggestions either afterwards. Basically, the communication between her and me was broken, and it could lead to huge conflicts in the future. I felt really bad for her when I let her go, and I explained that it was due to the workload that I feared was too heavy for her.

This weekend I am trying another nanny from Beijing, who is a bit too talkative in my opinion. I wonder if she is going to keep talking on the phone while watching over Winston.... Oh well, it is certainly not easy to find an ideal nanny, who’s competent, industrious and loving.

One of my friends said that Winston would be moved when he is old enough to know how much care went into finding a nanny for him. I, on the other hand, think that he would perhaps find his mother’s excessive love and worry a huge burden.

But I can’t help it... He’s simply too adorable.

Birthdays

Today is my birthday. My mother thought of it and so did my husband. But I did not.

Perhaps a telling sign that I have entered into the “next generation” (or the generation with responsibilities) is that I now remember my son Winston’s birthday much better than my own birthday. In fact, I remember his birthday on a monthly basis (he was born on the 16th) better than my birthday on a yearly basis.

My mother asked me if I wanted a cake, and I said no. So what do I want for my birthday then?

Maybe I am just overall too greedy. If asked right now, what I want for my birthday is a sense of assurance that my current nanny for Winston really is among the best, if not the best for him. But I know that no one can give me that assurance.

In business, we frequently struggle with ambiguous situations and imperfect data, and we often wish that we could have a “crystal ball” when we need to make difficult decisions in a situation that’s fraught with uncertainty. But I realize that I don’t mind the uncertain aspect of business, because it is business after all.

It is only when it comes to my son that I truly wish I could have a crystal ball. On my own birthday, my birthday wish is that Winston will live a really happy, healthy and fulfilling life, celebrating at least 100 birthdays of his own!

Nanny Issues (2)

My mom arrived about 2 weeks ago. Since then she’s been tremendously helpful with Winston and the housework. However, even compared to last year when she was here to help me, she is older and slower and her memory is worse. Obviously I need to find a nanny soon.

Having just signed the purchase contract for a house on the edge of Stanford campus, I decided to put an ad in the Chinese newspaper World Journal for a live-in nann with the location as Palo Alto. In addition, Michael got me a Google voice number so that the nanny candidates will not be confused by the San Diego area code of my cell phone number.

Sure enough, I got a ton of phone calls. Initially, I was ecstatic as I felt that surely I would be able to find a good nanny with so many candidates. But as time went on, I realized that my search for a great nanny remains challenging.

I can’t remember any more, but I must have got at least a dozen phone calls from people who would speak Cantonese to me immediately. When I said that I could not understand anything, often they would switch to heavily accented Mandarin Chinese. Having just experienced a terrible Cantonese nanny, I was not thrilled with the idea of hiring another one. I was told that others had good experience with Cantonese nannies before, and I should not be biased just because of one bad example. However, I often find it extremely difficult to understand the Mandarin Chinese of Cantonese nannies, and they would often get my questions wrong. Considering that communication is important in this type of relationship, I felt compelled to say, “I am sorry. It’s really hard for me to understand you, so it will not work out.” Frequently I would encounter some stubborn labides insisting that they had no trouble understanding me, which further proved that there really was a communication challenge. Today, I got a call from a guy speaking Cantonese to me, and I said that I did not understand anything. He switched to Mandarin Chinese and asked me if I was looking for a nanny. I said, “yes, who’s interested?” He said, “My wife is interested.” I was like, “If she’s interested, why is she not talking to me?” “Well, she’s busy cooking right now.” When I told him that I would only talk to the candidate herself directly, he said something in Cantonese to his wife, and then said, “well, perhaps she will call you later.” - I suppose that whatever she’s cooking was a lot more important than finding a job.

There must have been an agency whose sole mission was to help people in Shenyang immigrate to the Bay Area. Their green cards must all be authentic, but the reasons provided on their immigration applications are likely dubious. In any case, while there are a lot of Cantonese nannies living in San Francisco, there seems to be just as many Shenyang nannies living in South Bay. The first nanny I tried who goes by the name of Susan was from Shenyang, and she was fine in the beginning but quickly demonstrated many qualities that explained her lack of references despite many years of experience as a live-in nanny. Talking to these applicants reminded me of Susan – they were really fast-talking, impatient and ready and eager to interrupt. When I specified that for the next two months we would still be living in South San Francisco instead of Palo Alto, one of them who lives in Mountain View said that it’s no problem, since it only takes 20 minutes to drive from her home to SFO. I was like, “ I think it probably takes longer than that.” She started arguing with me that it does not, and finally I realized that I might be talking to another Susan. When I talked to another one from Shenyang, I noticed that a little kid was screaming in the background. I asked her if she’s still working for another family, and she said, “yes. But Walnut Creek is too far and I thought that Palo Alto would be a lot closer. Meanwhile the kid let out another big scream, clearly wanting attention. I heard her saying, “Let me finish the phone call.” Then she said to me, “Look at this kid, who’s always screaming.” Seeing how she’s treating this kid and this family, I quickly excused myself from this phone call.

A very soft-spoken nanny from Harbin called me, and said that her current employer will be moving out of town soon. I checked her two references, both of which were okay but not stellar. One of them said that she was way too “clean” when I asked if there was anything she did not do well. “Why is that considered bad?” I asked. The former employer said, “well, she was always washing her hands, which was kind of annoying. If we had a party, she would wipe all the door knobs with alcohol after the guests left.” The other former employer said that she never let this nanny wash any baby utensils or prepare baby food. “Basically, everything that would enter into my baby’s mouth was prepared by myself, and I washed everything because I am really particular about cleanliness.” Could they have been talking about the same nanny? I wondered. Since both former employers were positive about this nanny, I decided to let her come over and try out for a few days. First, she said that she might consider another family. Then twenty minutes later, she called me and said that she would not consider the other family and would come over to try out on Monday morning. I asked her to call me on Sunday night to confirm. On Sunday night, I got a ton of phone calls from various nanny candidates but none from her. I decided to wait until Monday morning to call her. When I called her, she said, “I could not find anyone to give me a ride. And I might consider another family.”

There are several nannies from Hebei province. They would often emphasize how they would get along with me, since “we are both from the North” in China. When I called the reference for one of them, the lady who answered the phone said that they let her go because her husband had been unhappy with her for a long time, due to her lack of attention to cleanliness or discipline of the kid, who’s now already two and a half years old. She said, “she’s a nice person, and treats my son like a grandmother. And perhaps like a grandmother, she spoils him rotten. He’s become really wild and temperamental. In addition, she seems to be really popular and spends a lot of time on the phone, as opposed to cleaning up the place. When my mother came to visit, she was shocked to see how dirty my house was. My advice is that if you yourself are good at housework and your kid is still a small infant, she is probably alright.” I thanked her and crossed this one off the list.

Some never worked as a nanny before, but claimed that I should not have to worry because they were like nannies at home. One of them came over through marriage to a US citizen. Another one helped out at a friend’s place. Still another only worked as a housekeeper before.

It looks like that by far the nannies from Shanghai got the highest marks in these references. So perhaps I will try one out?

Nanny Issues

There is a reason why I have not written anything for so long. The live-in nanny I had for 7 months left all of a sudden, presumably because her husband’s niece is gravely sick. I say “presumably” not out of heartlessness, but because I have heard from many people experienced with Chinese nannies that it’s a very typical way for Chinese nannies to quit a position when they have found another job. In my nanny’s case, I am not sure if she really has returned to Chengdu or if she is currently working for another family somewhere in South Bay – she said that her husband will start working as a chef in a Chinese restaurant in Milpitas, and I would assume that she would want to work in an area close to Milpitas. And lastly, I could not help wondering if I was perhaps too demanding for her – she came with great references, and perhaps was used to constant praises. I was telling a friend that while I am completely capable of delegating at work, when it comes to my only son (I call him “my heart and liver” in Chinese, which is a standard phrase mothers use in China to describe a child, and often an only child), I find myself indeed a bit too demanding and even micromanaging. Once I had a short testy exchange with the nanny, and she got upset. I quickly apologized, and she softened. She then said that she really admired me. I asked her why, thinking that perhaps she was going to talk about my “career woman” personality. She said, “I have worked for 5 or 6 families, taking care of babies. But you are by far the most conscientious and most caring when it comes to the child. No one else comes even close.” - I thought about her comment, and that made me realize that I have come too close to being a perfectionist regarding Winston.

Having read “The Pursuit of Perfect” by Tal Ben-Shahar (well, I should say that I am still reading it as I am only half way through), I know that a perfectionist tendency often leads to results that are further from perfection than if one takes a “good-enough” approach to things. I also do worry about the impact of my perfectionist tendency on Winston, as little kids are so impressionable and they absorb their surroundings in ways beyond the comprehension of us adults.

In any case, the nanny left at the end of May, and I scrambled to look for a replacement. One Cantonese nanny showed up, who had a very good reference. She lasted for four days, and that might have been too long. Winston would start running away the minute he saw her. She lied constantly, and she was dour and grouchy about everything. She complained about my previous nanny being too dirty and messy – true, my previous nanny was not as clean and tidy as I would have liked. She complained several times about the vegetables and fruits I had in the house. She claimed that celery and chicken together was poisonous and very few people knew that. She kept telling me how she forgot her calcium pills, which led me to finally realize that she’s implying that I ought to buy her a bottle of calcium supplements. She kept telling me how inept her previous employers were when it came to their own babies, as they relied on her for everything with the baby. She kept reminding me that her previous employers never asked her to do any cleaning, because the baby was the “top priority”. - well, in her case, I had to tell her to cook and clean, as Winston refused to be in her presence and she made no effort to even talk to him! In the end, she cheated us of some money, but that was nothing compared to the four days of trauma poor winston went through. From this experience, I realized how competent my previous nanny was!

Somewhat frustrated by the nanny searching experience, I decided to take a break from it. I bought a last-minute ticket for my mom to come over for a month and a half, during which time I would slowly and carefully screen and try out nannies. Therefore the past 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me, as I juggle childcare and housework, while getting ready to do some consulting work for a startup company. I used to tell friends that I never mind work, but even I start wondering if I am getting old, as I find it exhausting to be working nonstop from morning till night.

My friend David asked me if I was going to throw a party for Winston for his first birthday, and I told him that I really had no time for it. He then decided that he and his wife Ann will do this party at their house for Winston. The party was held on Saturday, June 19, a few days after Winston’s real birthday, and it was so much fun. I think I perhaps had even more fun than Winston, because it was the first time in a very long time that I had been to a party drinking wine and conversing with adults. Winston was walking all over David’s yard, picking David’s flowers and examining everything he found intriguing, especially the wood chips in the flower beds. In the middle of the party, Michael had to go to a housing office appointment at Stanford, as it was our chance to pick a house from the newly developed Olmstead Terrace (http://olmstedterrace.stanford.edu/the_homes/traditional_2.php) on Stanford campus. - I searched for a house to buy for over 2 months, only to realize that we could not afford anything I like, except for perhaps Stanford-owned houses. Hopefully we will move into the new house in August and afterwards Winston can start absorbing the Stanford environment – I hope that he will attend Stanford in the future!

When I was talking to a VC about why I had not pushed hard for the next startup company, he said, “oh I completely understand. I can’t imagine if our live-in nanny suddenly left. Life would have stopped. Sometimes they are even more important than the husbands!”

Well, I still have not found a replacement nanny yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just hope that the worst and most hectic period is over by now.

Winston's first birthday

Winston's first birthday was earlier this month. He had a great time at his birthday party opening lots of presents and meeting new people. My mom is here to help take care of him, and Michael's parents are in town as well, so Winston has had a lot of people to play with. His favorite activities are peekaboo, flipping light switches, reading books, and generally creating entropy whichever way possible.

More photos...

Winston the funny fellow

I wish that Winston knew how cute he is, but he has no idea!

No wonder I fret over the nanny selection. He deserves the best nanny I could find!

Winston is 11 months old

Winston turned 11 months old Sunday. He is still pudgy and funny. His newest things are standing up, trying new foods, and enjoying the playground at the mall. Here are some videos.