Will I ever be finished with nanny issues?
I let the Shanghai nanny go last weekend, and I have to say that it was not easy for me. She was quite emotional and burst into tears when she said goodbye to Winston.
Overall, she did like Winston, but her health remained a big concern for me. She did not have much energy partly due to her diabetes. She tried to conserve energy by leaving Winston in the stroller most of the time, and he did not complain about sitting in the stroller for hours every day. In addition, I could tell that she was not used to following instructions. She much preferred to be left alone, even after she made mistakes. I guess that’s understandable pride, but I would not want to have a nanny with such an attitude. I would make a suggestion, and I would not hear any response from her. And then I would see that often she did not follow those suggestions either afterwards. Basically, the communication between her and me was broken, and it could lead to huge conflicts in the future. I felt really bad for her when I let her go, and I explained that it was due to the workload that I feared was too heavy for her.
This weekend I am trying another nanny from Beijing, who is a bit too talkative in my opinion. I wonder if she is going to keep talking on the phone while watching over Winston.... Oh well, it is certainly not easy to find an ideal nanny, who’s competent, industrious and loving.
One of my friends said that Winston would be moved when he is old enough to know how much care went into finding a nanny for him. I, on the other hand, think that he would perhaps find his mother’s excessive love and worry a huge burden.
But I can’t help it... He’s simply too adorable.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Birthdays
Today is my birthday. My mother thought of it and so did my husband. But I did not.
Perhaps a telling sign that I have entered into the “next generation” (or the generation with responsibilities) is that I now remember my son Winston’s birthday much better than my own birthday. In fact, I remember his birthday on a monthly basis (he was born on the 16th) better than my birthday on a yearly basis.
My mother asked me if I wanted a cake, and I said no. So what do I want for my birthday then?
Maybe I am just overall too greedy. If asked right now, what I want for my birthday is a sense of assurance that my current nanny for Winston really is among the best, if not the best for him. But I know that no one can give me that assurance.
In business, we frequently struggle with ambiguous situations and imperfect data, and we often wish that we could have a “crystal ball” when we need to make difficult decisions in a situation that’s fraught with uncertainty. But I realize that I don’t mind the uncertain aspect of business, because it is business after all.
It is only when it comes to my son that I truly wish I could have a crystal ball. On my own birthday, my birthday wish is that Winston will live a really happy, healthy and fulfilling life, celebrating at least 100 birthdays of his own!
Perhaps a telling sign that I have entered into the “next generation” (or the generation with responsibilities) is that I now remember my son Winston’s birthday much better than my own birthday. In fact, I remember his birthday on a monthly basis (he was born on the 16th) better than my birthday on a yearly basis.
My mother asked me if I wanted a cake, and I said no. So what do I want for my birthday then?
Maybe I am just overall too greedy. If asked right now, what I want for my birthday is a sense of assurance that my current nanny for Winston really is among the best, if not the best for him. But I know that no one can give me that assurance.
In business, we frequently struggle with ambiguous situations and imperfect data, and we often wish that we could have a “crystal ball” when we need to make difficult decisions in a situation that’s fraught with uncertainty. But I realize that I don’t mind the uncertain aspect of business, because it is business after all.
It is only when it comes to my son that I truly wish I could have a crystal ball. On my own birthday, my birthday wish is that Winston will live a really happy, healthy and fulfilling life, celebrating at least 100 birthdays of his own!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Nanny Issues (2)
My mom arrived about 2 weeks ago. Since then she’s been tremendously helpful with Winston and the housework. However, even compared to last year when she was here to help me, she is older and slower and her memory is worse. Obviously I need to find a nanny soon.
Having just signed the purchase contract for a house on the edge of Stanford campus, I decided to put an ad in the Chinese newspaper World Journal for a live-in nann with the location as Palo Alto. In addition, Michael got me a Google voice number so that the nanny candidates will not be confused by the San Diego area code of my cell phone number.
Sure enough, I got a ton of phone calls. Initially, I was ecstatic as I felt that surely I would be able to find a good nanny with so many candidates. But as time went on, I realized that my search for a great nanny remains challenging.
I can’t remember any more, but I must have got at least a dozen phone calls from people who would speak Cantonese to me immediately. When I said that I could not understand anything, often they would switch to heavily accented Mandarin Chinese. Having just experienced a terrible Cantonese nanny, I was not thrilled with the idea of hiring another one. I was told that others had good experience with Cantonese nannies before, and I should not be biased just because of one bad example. However, I often find it extremely difficult to understand the Mandarin Chinese of Cantonese nannies, and they would often get my questions wrong. Considering that communication is important in this type of relationship, I felt compelled to say, “I am sorry. It’s really hard for me to understand you, so it will not work out.” Frequently I would encounter some stubborn labides insisting that they had no trouble understanding me, which further proved that there really was a communication challenge. Today, I got a call from a guy speaking Cantonese to me, and I said that I did not understand anything. He switched to Mandarin Chinese and asked me if I was looking for a nanny. I said, “yes, who’s interested?” He said, “My wife is interested.” I was like, “If she’s interested, why is she not talking to me?” “Well, she’s busy cooking right now.” When I told him that I would only talk to the candidate herself directly, he said something in Cantonese to his wife, and then said, “well, perhaps she will call you later.” - I suppose that whatever she’s cooking was a lot more important than finding a job.
There must have been an agency whose sole mission was to help people in Shenyang immigrate to the Bay Area. Their green cards must all be authentic, but the reasons provided on their immigration applications are likely dubious. In any case, while there are a lot of Cantonese nannies living in San Francisco, there seems to be just as many Shenyang nannies living in South Bay. The first nanny I tried who goes by the name of Susan was from Shenyang, and she was fine in the beginning but quickly demonstrated many qualities that explained her lack of references despite many years of experience as a live-in nanny. Talking to these applicants reminded me of Susan – they were really fast-talking, impatient and ready and eager to interrupt. When I specified that for the next two months we would still be living in South San Francisco instead of Palo Alto, one of them who lives in Mountain View said that it’s no problem, since it only takes 20 minutes to drive from her home to SFO. I was like, “ I think it probably takes longer than that.” She started arguing with me that it does not, and finally I realized that I might be talking to another Susan. When I talked to another one from Shenyang, I noticed that a little kid was screaming in the background. I asked her if she’s still working for another family, and she said, “yes. But Walnut Creek is too far and I thought that Palo Alto would be a lot closer. Meanwhile the kid let out another big scream, clearly wanting attention. I heard her saying, “Let me finish the phone call.” Then she said to me, “Look at this kid, who’s always screaming.” Seeing how she’s treating this kid and this family, I quickly excused myself from this phone call.
A very soft-spoken nanny from Harbin called me, and said that her current employer will be moving out of town soon. I checked her two references, both of which were okay but not stellar. One of them said that she was way too “clean” when I asked if there was anything she did not do well. “Why is that considered bad?” I asked. The former employer said, “well, she was always washing her hands, which was kind of annoying. If we had a party, she would wipe all the door knobs with alcohol after the guests left.” The other former employer said that she never let this nanny wash any baby utensils or prepare baby food. “Basically, everything that would enter into my baby’s mouth was prepared by myself, and I washed everything because I am really particular about cleanliness.” Could they have been talking about the same nanny? I wondered. Since both former employers were positive about this nanny, I decided to let her come over and try out for a few days. First, she said that she might consider another family. Then twenty minutes later, she called me and said that she would not consider the other family and would come over to try out on Monday morning. I asked her to call me on Sunday night to confirm. On Sunday night, I got a ton of phone calls from various nanny candidates but none from her. I decided to wait until Monday morning to call her. When I called her, she said, “I could not find anyone to give me a ride. And I might consider another family.”
There are several nannies from Hebei province. They would often emphasize how they would get along with me, since “we are both from the North” in China. When I called the reference for one of them, the lady who answered the phone said that they let her go because her husband had been unhappy with her for a long time, due to her lack of attention to cleanliness or discipline of the kid, who’s now already two and a half years old. She said, “she’s a nice person, and treats my son like a grandmother. And perhaps like a grandmother, she spoils him rotten. He’s become really wild and temperamental. In addition, she seems to be really popular and spends a lot of time on the phone, as opposed to cleaning up the place. When my mother came to visit, she was shocked to see how dirty my house was. My advice is that if you yourself are good at housework and your kid is still a small infant, she is probably alright.” I thanked her and crossed this one off the list.
Some never worked as a nanny before, but claimed that I should not have to worry because they were like nannies at home. One of them came over through marriage to a US citizen. Another one helped out at a friend’s place. Still another only worked as a housekeeper before.
It looks like that by far the nannies from Shanghai got the highest marks in these references. So perhaps I will try one out?
Having just signed the purchase contract for a house on the edge of Stanford campus, I decided to put an ad in the Chinese newspaper World Journal for a live-in nann with the location as Palo Alto. In addition, Michael got me a Google voice number so that the nanny candidates will not be confused by the San Diego area code of my cell phone number.
Sure enough, I got a ton of phone calls. Initially, I was ecstatic as I felt that surely I would be able to find a good nanny with so many candidates. But as time went on, I realized that my search for a great nanny remains challenging.
I can’t remember any more, but I must have got at least a dozen phone calls from people who would speak Cantonese to me immediately. When I said that I could not understand anything, often they would switch to heavily accented Mandarin Chinese. Having just experienced a terrible Cantonese nanny, I was not thrilled with the idea of hiring another one. I was told that others had good experience with Cantonese nannies before, and I should not be biased just because of one bad example. However, I often find it extremely difficult to understand the Mandarin Chinese of Cantonese nannies, and they would often get my questions wrong. Considering that communication is important in this type of relationship, I felt compelled to say, “I am sorry. It’s really hard for me to understand you, so it will not work out.” Frequently I would encounter some stubborn labides insisting that they had no trouble understanding me, which further proved that there really was a communication challenge. Today, I got a call from a guy speaking Cantonese to me, and I said that I did not understand anything. He switched to Mandarin Chinese and asked me if I was looking for a nanny. I said, “yes, who’s interested?” He said, “My wife is interested.” I was like, “If she’s interested, why is she not talking to me?” “Well, she’s busy cooking right now.” When I told him that I would only talk to the candidate herself directly, he said something in Cantonese to his wife, and then said, “well, perhaps she will call you later.” - I suppose that whatever she’s cooking was a lot more important than finding a job.
There must have been an agency whose sole mission was to help people in Shenyang immigrate to the Bay Area. Their green cards must all be authentic, but the reasons provided on their immigration applications are likely dubious. In any case, while there are a lot of Cantonese nannies living in San Francisco, there seems to be just as many Shenyang nannies living in South Bay. The first nanny I tried who goes by the name of Susan was from Shenyang, and she was fine in the beginning but quickly demonstrated many qualities that explained her lack of references despite many years of experience as a live-in nanny. Talking to these applicants reminded me of Susan – they were really fast-talking, impatient and ready and eager to interrupt. When I specified that for the next two months we would still be living in South San Francisco instead of Palo Alto, one of them who lives in Mountain View said that it’s no problem, since it only takes 20 minutes to drive from her home to SFO. I was like, “ I think it probably takes longer than that.” She started arguing with me that it does not, and finally I realized that I might be talking to another Susan. When I talked to another one from Shenyang, I noticed that a little kid was screaming in the background. I asked her if she’s still working for another family, and she said, “yes. But Walnut Creek is too far and I thought that Palo Alto would be a lot closer. Meanwhile the kid let out another big scream, clearly wanting attention. I heard her saying, “Let me finish the phone call.” Then she said to me, “Look at this kid, who’s always screaming.” Seeing how she’s treating this kid and this family, I quickly excused myself from this phone call.
A very soft-spoken nanny from Harbin called me, and said that her current employer will be moving out of town soon. I checked her two references, both of which were okay but not stellar. One of them said that she was way too “clean” when I asked if there was anything she did not do well. “Why is that considered bad?” I asked. The former employer said, “well, she was always washing her hands, which was kind of annoying. If we had a party, she would wipe all the door knobs with alcohol after the guests left.” The other former employer said that she never let this nanny wash any baby utensils or prepare baby food. “Basically, everything that would enter into my baby’s mouth was prepared by myself, and I washed everything because I am really particular about cleanliness.” Could they have been talking about the same nanny? I wondered. Since both former employers were positive about this nanny, I decided to let her come over and try out for a few days. First, she said that she might consider another family. Then twenty minutes later, she called me and said that she would not consider the other family and would come over to try out on Monday morning. I asked her to call me on Sunday night to confirm. On Sunday night, I got a ton of phone calls from various nanny candidates but none from her. I decided to wait until Monday morning to call her. When I called her, she said, “I could not find anyone to give me a ride. And I might consider another family.”
There are several nannies from Hebei province. They would often emphasize how they would get along with me, since “we are both from the North” in China. When I called the reference for one of them, the lady who answered the phone said that they let her go because her husband had been unhappy with her for a long time, due to her lack of attention to cleanliness or discipline of the kid, who’s now already two and a half years old. She said, “she’s a nice person, and treats my son like a grandmother. And perhaps like a grandmother, she spoils him rotten. He’s become really wild and temperamental. In addition, she seems to be really popular and spends a lot of time on the phone, as opposed to cleaning up the place. When my mother came to visit, she was shocked to see how dirty my house was. My advice is that if you yourself are good at housework and your kid is still a small infant, she is probably alright.” I thanked her and crossed this one off the list.
Some never worked as a nanny before, but claimed that I should not have to worry because they were like nannies at home. One of them came over through marriage to a US citizen. Another one helped out at a friend’s place. Still another only worked as a housekeeper before.
It looks like that by far the nannies from Shanghai got the highest marks in these references. So perhaps I will try one out?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Nanny Issues
There is a reason why I have not written anything for so long. The live-in nanny I had for 7 months left all of a sudden, presumably because her husband’s niece is gravely sick. I say “presumably” not out of heartlessness, but because I have heard from many people experienced with Chinese nannies that it’s a very typical way for Chinese nannies to quit a position when they have found another job. In my nanny’s case, I am not sure if she really has returned to Chengdu or if she is currently working for another family somewhere in South Bay – she said that her husband will start working as a chef in a Chinese restaurant in Milpitas, and I would assume that she would want to work in an area close to Milpitas. And lastly, I could not help wondering if I was perhaps too demanding for her – she came with great references, and perhaps was used to constant praises. I was telling a friend that while I am completely capable of delegating at work, when it comes to my only son (I call him “my heart and liver” in Chinese, which is a standard phrase mothers use in China to describe a child, and often an only child), I find myself indeed a bit too demanding and even micromanaging. Once I had a short testy exchange with the nanny, and she got upset. I quickly apologized, and she softened. She then said that she really admired me. I asked her why, thinking that perhaps she was going to talk about my “career woman” personality. She said, “I have worked for 5 or 6 families, taking care of babies. But you are by far the most conscientious and most caring when it comes to the child. No one else comes even close.” - I thought about her comment, and that made me realize that I have come too close to being a perfectionist regarding Winston.
Having read “The Pursuit of Perfect” by Tal Ben-Shahar (well, I should say that I am still reading it as I am only half way through), I know that a perfectionist tendency often leads to results that are further from perfection than if one takes a “good-enough” approach to things. I also do worry about the impact of my perfectionist tendency on Winston, as little kids are so impressionable and they absorb their surroundings in ways beyond the comprehension of us adults.
In any case, the nanny left at the end of May, and I scrambled to look for a replacement. One Cantonese nanny showed up, who had a very good reference. She lasted for four days, and that might have been too long. Winston would start running away the minute he saw her. She lied constantly, and she was dour and grouchy about everything. She complained about my previous nanny being too dirty and messy – true, my previous nanny was not as clean and tidy as I would have liked. She complained several times about the vegetables and fruits I had in the house. She claimed that celery and chicken together was poisonous and very few people knew that. She kept telling me how she forgot her calcium pills, which led me to finally realize that she’s implying that I ought to buy her a bottle of calcium supplements. She kept telling me how inept her previous employers were when it came to their own babies, as they relied on her for everything with the baby. She kept reminding me that her previous employers never asked her to do any cleaning, because the baby was the “top priority”. - well, in her case, I had to tell her to cook and clean, as Winston refused to be in her presence and she made no effort to even talk to him! In the end, she cheated us of some money, but that was nothing compared to the four days of trauma poor winston went through. From this experience, I realized how competent my previous nanny was!
Somewhat frustrated by the nanny searching experience, I decided to take a break from it. I bought a last-minute ticket for my mom to come over for a month and a half, during which time I would slowly and carefully screen and try out nannies. Therefore the past 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me, as I juggle childcare and housework, while getting ready to do some consulting work for a startup company. I used to tell friends that I never mind work, but even I start wondering if I am getting old, as I find it exhausting to be working nonstop from morning till night.
My friend David asked me if I was going to throw a party for Winston for his first birthday, and I told him that I really had no time for it. He then decided that he and his wife Ann will do this party at their house for Winston. The party was held on Saturday, June 19, a few days after Winston’s real birthday, and it was so much fun. I think I perhaps had even more fun than Winston, because it was the first time in a very long time that I had been to a party drinking wine and conversing with adults. Winston was walking all over David’s yard, picking David’s flowers and examining everything he found intriguing, especially the wood chips in the flower beds. In the middle of the party, Michael had to go to a housing office appointment at Stanford, as it was our chance to pick a house from the newly developed Olmstead Terrace (http://olmstedterrace.stanford.edu/the_homes/traditional_2.php) on Stanford campus. - I searched for a house to buy for over 2 months, only to realize that we could not afford anything I like, except for perhaps Stanford-owned houses. Hopefully we will move into the new house in August and afterwards Winston can start absorbing the Stanford environment – I hope that he will attend Stanford in the future!
When I was talking to a VC about why I had not pushed hard for the next startup company, he said, “oh I completely understand. I can’t imagine if our live-in nanny suddenly left. Life would have stopped. Sometimes they are even more important than the husbands!”
Well, I still have not found a replacement nanny yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just hope that the worst and most hectic period is over by now.
Having read “The Pursuit of Perfect” by Tal Ben-Shahar (well, I should say that I am still reading it as I am only half way through), I know that a perfectionist tendency often leads to results that are further from perfection than if one takes a “good-enough” approach to things. I also do worry about the impact of my perfectionist tendency on Winston, as little kids are so impressionable and they absorb their surroundings in ways beyond the comprehension of us adults.
In any case, the nanny left at the end of May, and I scrambled to look for a replacement. One Cantonese nanny showed up, who had a very good reference. She lasted for four days, and that might have been too long. Winston would start running away the minute he saw her. She lied constantly, and she was dour and grouchy about everything. She complained about my previous nanny being too dirty and messy – true, my previous nanny was not as clean and tidy as I would have liked. She complained several times about the vegetables and fruits I had in the house. She claimed that celery and chicken together was poisonous and very few people knew that. She kept telling me how she forgot her calcium pills, which led me to finally realize that she’s implying that I ought to buy her a bottle of calcium supplements. She kept telling me how inept her previous employers were when it came to their own babies, as they relied on her for everything with the baby. She kept reminding me that her previous employers never asked her to do any cleaning, because the baby was the “top priority”. - well, in her case, I had to tell her to cook and clean, as Winston refused to be in her presence and she made no effort to even talk to him! In the end, she cheated us of some money, but that was nothing compared to the four days of trauma poor winston went through. From this experience, I realized how competent my previous nanny was!
Somewhat frustrated by the nanny searching experience, I decided to take a break from it. I bought a last-minute ticket for my mom to come over for a month and a half, during which time I would slowly and carefully screen and try out nannies. Therefore the past 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me, as I juggle childcare and housework, while getting ready to do some consulting work for a startup company. I used to tell friends that I never mind work, but even I start wondering if I am getting old, as I find it exhausting to be working nonstop from morning till night.
My friend David asked me if I was going to throw a party for Winston for his first birthday, and I told him that I really had no time for it. He then decided that he and his wife Ann will do this party at their house for Winston. The party was held on Saturday, June 19, a few days after Winston’s real birthday, and it was so much fun. I think I perhaps had even more fun than Winston, because it was the first time in a very long time that I had been to a party drinking wine and conversing with adults. Winston was walking all over David’s yard, picking David’s flowers and examining everything he found intriguing, especially the wood chips in the flower beds. In the middle of the party, Michael had to go to a housing office appointment at Stanford, as it was our chance to pick a house from the newly developed Olmstead Terrace (http://olmstedterrace.stanford.edu/the_homes/traditional_2.php) on Stanford campus. - I searched for a house to buy for over 2 months, only to realize that we could not afford anything I like, except for perhaps Stanford-owned houses. Hopefully we will move into the new house in August and afterwards Winston can start absorbing the Stanford environment – I hope that he will attend Stanford in the future!
When I was talking to a VC about why I had not pushed hard for the next startup company, he said, “oh I completely understand. I can’t imagine if our live-in nanny suddenly left. Life would have stopped. Sometimes they are even more important than the husbands!”
Well, I still have not found a replacement nanny yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just hope that the worst and most hectic period is over by now.
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