Thoughts on "Bringing Up Bebe"

I consider myself fairly open-minded and willing to hear others' advice, so I read "Bringing Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman on why French parenting is superior. She's a good writer and it's an entertaining read. So let's go down the list of where the French kids are better...

First, the French kids can sleep through the night by 3 months. Winston slept through the night by the time he was 3 months old, although he was still swaddled. When I took him out of the swaddle around 6 months, I trained him over one night when he cried a total of 18 minutes before he fell asleep in his crib. By that measure, I am meeting the French standard. But I really think that is because I successfully took care of his mild acid reflux and was willing to medicate him with Zantac. Apparently many American parents would rather deal with the colic than to "poison" their kids with drugs. By that measure, I seem to be parenting the French way! But really, I did not make any special "French" effort mentioned in the book to train Winston on his sleep.

Second, the French kids don't snack constantly and parents don't have to bring cheerios, candies and pretzels with them everywhere. I don't do that, mostly because Winston has no interest in sweets or snacks - is it possible that I have passed my genes associated with no interest in snacks to him?   At daycare they offer snacks in the morning, but he hardly ever touches the snacks. Unfortunately at lunch he does not eat much either at daycare, although he does eat much more at home. I know kids who eat much better than Winston at meal times, and the difference seems to be based on the physical constitution of the kids rather than the parenting style.

Third, the French kids can play by themselves instead of requiring constant company, either with parents or with other kids. Well, I must say that for the time being, I actually envy those kids who need constant company. My Winston can be happy playing with doors for hours of which I am not proud. I have since learned that it may be a cause for concern for autistic behaviors.  That is why I no longer allow him to do that, and try to engage him in interactive play.

Fourth, the French kids eat all kinds of vegetables. Given the fact that French daycare offer freshly cooked gourmet French food served in 3 courses without repeating a single vegetable in a week and that the French parents cook fresh 3-course meals every night for dinner, I would say that my Winston could eat many more varieties of food that way too. He often eats 2-day old leftovers that even I don't want to touch, and I have never had the time to do the French way of introducing new food by changing the way to cook it a dozen different times.

Lastly, the French mothers are much happier about their husbands and much more relaxed about parenting overall, by comparison to their American and British counterparts. Apparently the French mothers spend almost 90% more time than their husbands on childcare and housework, whereas the American mothers spend just 30% more time than their husbands. But the American mothers are constantly complaining about their husbands' lack of contribution and stressed out about raising kids. From reading this book, I can immediately see why. If we all have 30-hour work weeks and 50 days of vacation every year, we will have so much free time that we will not be resentfully noticing how we are doing more housework or childcare. In fact, complete idleness does not generate happiness. Also, if the daycare center where Winston is provides hot and fresh gourmet lunch every day and is visited weekly by a pediatrician and a child psychologist, I would never have worried about Winston's physical health or overall development. For one thing, I would not have to think so hard on what lunch to prepare for Winston, given that I have no interest in cooking and the nanny I have seems to have even less culinary skills than I do. The super-experienced teachers together with their dedicated pediatrician and child psychologist would have discovered his obsession with doors and perhaps figured out an early intervention plan before it became a cause for concern! If people around me don't talk about how difficult it is to get into good colleges or find a job in the increasingly competitive job market, I would not bother even thinking about which school he should attend and when I need to start enrolling him in classes.

In many aspects I do agree with "French parenting" as I too emphasize the importance of discipline and boundary, while paradoxically embracing the need to be constantly in tune with nuanced physical and emotional needs of the kid. Like the French, I believe that the only way to enforce discipline and establish authority is to not say too many "no"s all the time so that when you do, it really leaves an impression. I too believe that there is no need to catering to their conflicting demands and requests when I have a fairly accurate and intuitive read of them. I too believe that there is no need to do everything that is presumably good for the kids if it's too hard on the parents, including taking them on trips, having meals with them, or throwing them parties. Most importantly, I believe that we as parents need to figure out how our own kids are different from others in every aspect, so that we know what to do about them that may sometimes seem mainstream, but may seem at other times rather idiosyncratic or even outrageous.

Well, on the other hand, we don't live in France, and we don't benefit from a social context that provides so much for the kids and the parents while exerting so little pressure, both financial and emotional on parents. We can only be "French parents" if we live in France.