Baby Talk

When I said that I wanted to buy a house in Bay Area as quickly as we did in San Diego 7 years ago (we bought a house within a week of arriving in San Diego from Bosto), Michael pointed out that Bay Area was so much more diverse in terms of neighborhoods that we ought to get used to the area first before considering buying. As a result, we rented a house not too far from my office. Since then I have had to battle with the landlord on fixing the low water pressure, the holes in a screen door, as well as ancient washer and dryer. I am now more determined than ever to buy a house within a year, as opposed to keep renting.

Even though this house is only for a year, I still have set aside one room as the nursery for the yet-to-be-born baby. By now I have got a ton of baby stuff, ranging from extremely practical (car seat and stroller) to simply cute (decorations for the nursery). Michael and I have attended a child-birth class, which was full of these “breathing techniques” that I doubt could really work. I have also read quite a few of these books on pregnancy and childbirth. I feel that I have been immersed in “baby talk” for months by now. What I find most challenging is to address enthusiastic questions such as “aren’t you excited?”

Honestly, with very few exceptions, I have not exactly envied the lives of those with kids - as far as I could observe, many people's lives turned worse in more ways than one, in addition to looking more tired, less interested, older and uglier (due to lack of time/interest to pay attention to one's appearance). And I do not have great reason to believe that I would fall into those “exceptions” after the birth of my son. What if I also lose interest in a lot of things, and would rather veg every chance I get? What if my son is difficult, sick or simply fussy? What if I end up talking non-stop about the kid and nothing else? What if I end up a much less interesting and interested person?

Like many things in life, I suppose that one just has to make the plunge, if you do not have a crystal ball to enable you to know everything in advance. Of course I have yet to see anyone regret having kids, so I am positive that even if I turn out to be my worst nightmare because of the kid, I will think then that it’s for the better – that is, I cannot predict how I am going to feel in the future after such a life-changing event. But that remains a somewhat depressing thought – that is, I could end up losing interest, ability or passion for things that have defined me so far.

In chatting with a friend who has two kids, I mentioned my “pregnancy blues”. She said something that made a lot of sense to me. She said, “ babies/kids are inherently positive creatures, because there is nothing negative about them. Watching them grow and laugh itself makes you feel really positive in a visceral way. In professional settings, no matter where you are, you are sure to encounter a lot of things that are inherently negative. Without a strong natural positive force like your own kids, it is quite easy to be affected by these negative things, and it is very easy to lose perspectives, which are actually quite important for a thriving career. One can get really tunnel-visioned, if there is not an irrepressible positive force to balance out the negatives one encounters professionally.” That does make perfect sense – we all have encountered moments to feel tremendously buoyed by uplifting music, image or stories. I suppose nothing can be even more uplifting than seeing your own baby so innocent, so positive and so pure in front of you, demonstrating a force of life that simply cannot be denied. It makes you feel “life” in the most vivid and profound way.

Besides, I am curious to see what he is like. I hope that the name we are giving him turns out to be appropriate for him…