The other day, a friend sent me an article in New York Times by the sharp-tongued Maureen Dowd “ Blue is the New Black” (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/20/opinion/20dowd.html?em). She talked about how women are getting more and more unhappy, even as they have more choices in life and achieve more. She quoted Arianna Huffington, “It doesn’t matter what their marital status is, how much money they make, whether or not they have children, their ethnic background, or the country they live in. Women around the world are in a funk.” To summarize, “We’re happy to have our newfound abundance of choices, even if those choices end up making us unhappier. A paradox indeed.”
I immediately forwarded this article to other friends of mine, and received quick responses.
“Happiness is reality divided by expectation. It is certainly true that the 'want it all' mentality of modern professional women has raised the expectation significantly, hence decreased the happiness level. It is true, on average, for an older man to get a young date, than vice versa, but I don't how much that helps happiness. The caveat is obvious - reality is partially a function of your drive/effort/life goal, which are functions of expectation. Otherwise, we should all be the obliviously blissful half-naked Hindu monks, begging and meditating…” – This message is from a male friend, to which a friend who knows me extremely well said, “hmm, that applies to you pretty well. You are less happy than those who don’t have much but have lower expectations, but on the other hand, had you not set up these high expectations, perhaps you would not have been able to accomplish much.”
And as if to respond to that, I got a response from another friend, who has had it all – Ivy League education, thriving corporate career, a family with two kids, stable income, great health, etc: “Maybe one of the solutions is not to be a perfectionist but an optimalist -- as Tal Ben-Shahar (Harvard Class of 96) has been preaching (http://www.talbenshahar.com/). Too bad he did not start teaching the 'Happiness' course at Harvard till 2006, many years after we were there. I just flipped through his book, The Pursuit of Perfect (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Pursuit-of-Perfect/Tal-Ben-Shahar/e/9780071608824). Many points are common sense, but using examples from his own experience and perspective has made it more authentic and more relevant than the usual self-help books.”
In the midst of this recession, quite a few talented professional women I know are having trouble finding jobs or jobs they like, even though they actually do not need to work for the sake of money. That, in itself should perhaps make one less nervous, but the fact that they are used to the idea of accomplishment, purpose and financial independence has made them feel even worse about not having a job right now. Professional women in general encounter greater obstacles at work, which I can certainly understand. One friend wrote back in frustration, “Yes, not only is a woman's life tougher than a man's, but women are easily blamed everywhere. In this society, a woman's weakness is obvious, but women's efforts and contributions are hardly visible and appreciated! Life is a ugly mess, and we need to keep some dreams for ourselves in order to survive.”
Another one wrote, “Nowadays women are taking on many more tasks, including parenting, career, hobbies...No wonder we feel more stressed out than men, since we tend to care about kids (and even the career) much more than men. Sometimes new Moms feel so torn apart between the baby and the job that they have emotional breakdowns. But please remember this is what every career woman goes through and like most other cases in life, the effort we make today will pay off in the future for sure! One obvious advantage we gain is the respect and financial power at home and in society, which in the old time women could not enjoy.”
Still another friend wrote, “too many choices, too many responsibilities.”
Of course, my very scientific husband is always seeking to understand better, as if it’s a biological or mathematical question, “Now that I know how difficult happiness is to achieve, I will try extra hard to make you happy! There is one thing about the article that is unexplained, though. If women with children are unhappier than those without, then why were women in the past happier than women now, when they had many more babies in the past? Is it because women now see children as interfering with their goals, when in the past having children was the goal? Is this true in Europe as well?”
The discussions on happiness will perhaps never end. When I mentioned to my new live-in nanny that a friend got into serious post-partum depression, she was confused, “What is depression? Why was she depressed?” In her mind, if one is healthy, can make a living and has family around her, she should be really happy. I explained that it was a mental disease, but I could tell that she still did not quite understand it. Last weekend, when I drove her to Ranch 99 to buy groceries (she has a great love of supermarkets where she would spend a long time picking out the best AND the cheapest stuff, while I impatiently wait for her to finish), I made a wrong turn and ended up driving across the long San Mateo Bridge. It was a beautiful and sunny day, and the view from the bridge was fabulous. She was happy as a bird, “Oh I love to see the ocean. Thanks so much for making the wrong turn. I have barely worked for you for two days, and you have already taken me to see the sea.”
Now that was perhaps real, authentic, undiluted happiness.
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