Pity the Hearts of All the Mothers

The fact that I have written nothing in my blog in the past three months does not mean that I have been that busy. But it does mean that my mind has been completely preoccupied, with my son. Now I understand viscerally how true that Chinese saying is – “Pity the Hearts of All the Parents”. Actually to be more accurate, it should be changed to “Pity the Hearts of All the Mothers”. No one except a mother can understand how it feels to love a baby and put his welfare above all. That, in itself, can become such a debilitating obsession.

After the first few days of euphoria following Winston’s birth, I have been worried over his various little problems here and there – first it’s the baby acne, and then eczema, and then his stuffy nose, and then finally he’s diagnosed with acid reflux, which has trigged a variety of symptoms, all of which are much more painful for me to watch than for him to experience. I found that I could not bear to see him crying so much, as I myself would burst into tears in that case. Sometimes he was in a good mood, but hearing his stuffy nose already broke my heart. My mother told me that I really had to stop fretting over him, as he’s just fine. Other friends have been telling me the same thing, but I stubbornly believed that they were not observant enough to notice all the discomforts that Winston has been experiencing. Sure enough, after his 2-month checkup, I found that he looked ill. He was having difficulty swallowing and he did not have an appetite. So of course we took him to the pediatrician, who said that he had an ear infection. I felt so guilty, as I never heard that a 2-month old baby could have ear infections. I kept searching for answers in books and on internet as to how to fix his stuffy nose, or whether or not there are a lot of babies who have the same thing, so that I won’t feel particularly bad about my mothering skills. It was so all-consuming that I felt no energy or desire to do anything else.

Right now, as I sit in my office, I am trying very hard not to worry over him, as the new nanny is taking care of him. But I keep wondering if the nanny will treat him the same way when my mom is no longer at home to watch over her. Will she be the same when no one is around to monitor her? When a friend tried to tell me that the worst will not happen, I argued that there are many things that the nanny might do or might not do that could do harm to him, although they are not necessarily the worst that can happen to him. Perhaps in my friend’s eyes, I am simply hopelessly obsessed.

Sometimes I wonder if my obsession with Winston will do him harm, as maybe a more relaxed me will be a better mom to him. Other times I wonder if I stop being so vigilant, perhaps I will let bad things happen, ignore symptoms of a disease, or allow a bad nanny to stay. Michael of course loves Winston very much, but he does not fret over him. While I have always understood that men and women are different, it’s only after having Winston that I have come to realize how different. Women become mothers when they have babies, whereas men remain the same as before. It does not mean that they do not love the baby, but the presence of the baby does not fundamentally transform them.