Musings on "The Reader"

While I am a fan of the actress Kate Winslet, I do not always want to see her movies, as her choices occasionally do fall out of my area of interest. This year seems to be her year, as she’s winning awards for her performance in the movie “The Reader”. Finally I decided to watch it in the theater, and I was duly impressed. (Warning: plot spoilers ahead.)


Michael Berg had a big secret, which the movie seems to suggest as the reason for his aloofness throughout his life. Michael first met Hanna in 1958, when he was fifteen, she thirty-six. The two had a summer long love affair, dictated by Hanna that their encounters would begin with him reading novels and plays to her followed by lovemaking. Michael next encountered Hanna in 1966, when Michael, now a law student, attended the Nazi war crimes trial of five female former S.S. concentration camp guards, one of whom is Hanna. Through listening to the testimony, Michael comes to the realization that he is in possession of information which could save Hanna from a life in prison, information which she herself is unwilling to disclose, due to her shame. The other four female S.S. concentration camp guards claimed that Hanna was their leader and wrote the incriminating document that indicated a clear intention to not let the Jews out when the building was on fire. Hanna desperately protested that she was not the leader and nor the one that wrote that document. But then the court asked to see a sample of her handwriting by presenting a pen and a piece of paper, she froze. That was when Michael remembered the many small things that did not catch his attention during their summer love affair – Hanna was illiterate. She could not read or write! Faced with the humiliation of revealing this secret, Hanna said, “there is no need. I wrote it.” As a result, while the other four guards got very light prison sentences, Hanna got life in prison. Michael thought about convincing Hanna to tell the truth, but changed his mind and never saw Hanna before her sentence. Years later, he started sending tapes of his own recording of those books that he used to read to Hanna. With these tapes and the books from the prison library, Hanna finally learned to read. After twenty years in prison, Hanna was about to be released. While prison might have been the last place Hanna wanted to be when she was on trial, she now could not bear the thought of living outside of the prison – she committed suicide instead, and left all her money (she had very little money of course) to the girl who survived that fire, who now had grown into a middle-aged woman, living in opulence in Manhattan.

So what are we supposed to learn from it? Even people who have done terrible things could be gentle and loving to others? What is justice really? – Hanna’s ignorance led to her taking a job as a prison guard, because it’s a job that would not reveal her illiteracy to anyone, but she paid so dearly for it afterwards. Those other four female guards were certainly more evil and conniving, and yet they got away with light sentences, leaving Hanna to shoulder the blame for all. History is indeed ironic. It was not a coincident that Hanna’s cell where she hanged herself in the end was contrasted with the luxurious penthouse apartment of the Jewish woman who was the little girl surviving the fire.

What I find most disturbing is the part that Michael decided not to even persuade Hanna to tell the truth that she’s illiterate, which would automatically lighten her sentence dramatically to perhaps below even what the other four women got. After all, she was a victim of the other four women guards too! I talked to my husband (whose name is also Michael!) about it, and he said that it was the right decision, because Hanna made it clear that she would rather stay in prison forever than to reveal her illiteracy in public. Granted, it made her look stupid by choosing the “worse” fate, but only she could be the judge, even if the entire world thinks that she’s crazy to do so.

Michael Berg clearly cared for Hanna. While he was horrified to learn of her callous behaviors towards the Jews, he certainly did not want Hanna to be unfairly punished. But at the same time, no matter how stupid he thought Hanna was (and she really was stupid) in hiding her illiteracy, he realized that there was no use convincing an adult (and a very stubborn one also) that she made the wrong decision. If someone (like Hanna) wants to be a tragic figure, the rest of us will have to let her, even if we care about her. It takes extraordinary endurance and strength to go through this trial and twenty years in prison, but all this was necessitated by Hanna’s extreme weakness and fear – fear of letting people know that she was illiterate! Surely all of us would choose to claim illiteracy (even if we are not!) in order to get out of a prison sentence!!! Imagine, just imagine if she could stomach the few minutes of public humiliation when she revealed her illiteracy in court – the rest of her life would have been so much easier and better. Instead of being hated for being a Nazi, she would be considered just ignorant and used by others. She might have even been given a chance to learn to read/write in the very few years of prison sentence she would have received. But for her, she could not see or imagine the green horizon beyond this first painful step of revealing her shameful secret – so she would rather live her life in prison (which in a way is perhaps more shameful than being illiterate)…

In our own lives, even if the stories are not nearly as dramatic, haven’t we all experienced great torment when we realize that we cannot make someone do what’s best for him or her, if we care about that person? Of course, in many cases, what is better and what is worse are really rather subjective and ambiguous. But in some cases (like in Hanna’s case), it was very clear what was best for her, but she refused that choice. If we happen to care for someone who would make such a choice, can we all simply let that person go down that pathway, without feeling a nagging self-reproach that we could have made a difference, if only we tried hard enough, at the risk of even being hated by that very same person…

Hanna’s tragedy did not stop only at going to prison for most of her life. In fact, her life proved a tragic point – human beings have a way to rationalize that their choices are the right ones, even if they are the wrong ones to start with. If Michael Berg asked Hanna if she regretted her choice after her twenty years in prison, she would have said no for sure. While prison life to many seems so atrocious, Hanna not only got used to it, but also could no longer live without it, when it’s her time to get out of the prison after twenty years. So she committed suicide instead, because death was less scary to her then than living in a totally foreign world. – Again, who is to argue with her that she’s wrong if that’s how she felt?

As I am writing this, I am expecting a baby boy. I care so passionately about a lot of things, that I have no doubt that I will care passionately for my son. A friend recently told me of his regret of letting his son make too many decisions on his own during his early teens, even when he was not wise enough to make all these important decisions. I reassured him that it was no big deal, and besides, what’s the chance of the teenage boy listening to him and following his advice anyways?

Still, after watching “The Reader”, I am now even more acutely aware of the possibility that I will see people whom I love do things that in my opinion (and often in most people’s opinions) hurt themselves dearly. But as long as they are adults, the best thing for me to do is to do and say nothing. If I were to attempt to change their minds, they would not only go out of their way to prove themselves right (which could hurt themselves even more), but also resent me for questioning their decision.

With my own son, will I be able to adopt this attitude when he’s grown up? After devoting so much time, energy and love to someone as he’s growing up, if he were to do something really bad and stupid for himself, I guess I will have to let him figure out himself. And he might never figure out either. After all, Hanna never regretted keeping her secret at the court, even though in reality, the people in the court thought worse of her as the author of that incriminating document than if they had discovered her illiterate – she herself decided that she could not handle that splitting second of public shame, so she’s willing to cover it up with a whole life.

Indeed, extraordinary strength and extraordinary weakness often go hand in hand. Were it not for Hanna’s extreme fear of shame, she would not have to endure so much. Perhaps to the rest of us, it’s obvious what we would have chosen instead, so that we are neither victims of extreme fear, insecurity or shame, nor do we need to resort to the extraordinary German pride, British stoicism or Chinese/Jewish discipline required to cope with such an awful situation.

Maybe to sum up what I have learned from “The Reader”, it is merely the following: don’t be a Hanna, but don’t object if anyone else wants to be, even if that person is dear to you. That translates into – live a good and smart life, but don’t object if others don’t, either for lack of intention or lack of wisdom.

Thanksgiving and Cruise Down Mexican Riviera

Having lived in San Diego for over 6 years, I had never taken a cruise, partly because I thought that a vacation that’s so completely regimented was meant for only families with kids or old retirees. And besides, there were still so many other exciting places in the world that I had not seen yet, which cannot be accessed by the lazy tourists on a cruise ship!

However, active vacations not only require energy during the trip but also plenty of advanced planning. After planning the trip to Europe (Prague and Vienna mostly on our own without resorting to any packaged tours), I did not feel like planning another complicated vacation. Therefore, for this Thanksgiving break, I thought to myself, “well, perhaps it’s not a bad idea to try going on a cruise, since everyone else seems to love cruises.” Besides, I had made a unofficial and loose decision a few years ago to be outside of the United States during Thanksgiving, as much as possible. It was not my hidden Bohemian streak that made me want to defy tradition. I have concrete reasons to dislike Thanksgiving. It’s 4 days long, and yet it’s a nightmare to travel in the States – it feels like a very long 4-day vacation with nothing great to do and nothing good to eat either – the predictability of this holiday could drive me mad. Everything is closed on Thanksgiving day, forcing everyone to do nothing but eat the traditional Thanksgiving fare. I so hate the Thanksgiving fare of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce. – That must have been considered a great meal in the days of the pilgrims but in today’s globalizing economy and global culinary scene, it’s pure torture to have to eat turkey on a day that supposedly celebrates eating. Then there was the after Thanksgiving shopping, which means enormous crowds for mostly useless merchandise. After the 4-day long holiday weekend, I almost always felt worse – bloated from the constant eating, bored from little activity, and incredulous that I had wasted a perfectly fine long weekend without doing anything fun or even eating anything great. That’s why I decided - if I could, that I would try to be outside of the “Thanksgiving country” during Thanksgiving. Indeed that’s how Michael and I had some of our most exciting vacations over a few Thanksgiving holidays (Asia, Australia, Canada, etc) – for example, a trip to Southeast Asia (Hong Kong, Singapore and Thailand) is one that I still rave about today, where we found the perfect combination of scenery, culture and cuisines. I remember distinctively that we were in Thailand on Thanksgiving day during that trip – and how I felt sorry for the people eating turkey and cranberry sauce while we were trying these superb Thai dishes that cannot be found in any Thai restaurants in the US!

The obvious destination for cruises out of San Diego is Mexico. The first time I went to Mexico was just crossing the border from San Diego into Tijuana – it was a very sad place. When I was told by someone from Mexico that what truly represents Mexico is Mexico City, Michael and I took a trip over Christmas one year to Mexico City – seeing a ton of murals by Diego Rivera, visiting Frida Kahlo’s old house, climbing up the pyramids at Teotihuacan, and riding the boat on Xochimilco, while staying in a hotel overlooking the main city square. It was alright – but I was not impressed. Therefore, I figured, perhaps I would give Mexico one last chance by visiting the coastal area – down Baja California and briefly entering Sea of Cortez. The cruise I chose down Mexican Riviera was for 7 days, leaving the Saturday before Thanksgiving from San Diego, stopping by Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan and Puerto Vallharta.

We boarded the Holland America “Oosterdam” on this bright Saturday afternoon in November. It was an impressive ship, with 12 stories in total, 1600 passengers on board and another 800 staff. There were numerous lounges and bars, a casino, a basketball court, two swimming pools and several Jacuzzis, a library as well as several dining rooms. During the cruise, there would be many activities including art auctions, dance classes, cooking classes, magic shows, dance performances, disco nights, afternoon teas and several formal dinners for which one has to dress extremely formally.

From talking to people we met on the cruise, we learned a great deal about cruising:

We learned that our ship “Oosterdam” of Holland America was among the most luxurious, in terms of food and service, with other cruise lines such as Carnival and Norwegian being relatively lower-budget with worse food and service.

We learned that some people had taken the same itinerary a few times, although they had never been to places like Hawaii – i.e. it’s not that they have ran out of places to visit. It’s only that they like being on a cruise and they like the routine.

We learned that some people did not even bother to get off the ship when we stopped at these Mexican cities – they preferred to sit by the pool or watch tv or hand out at one of several bars/lounges.

We learned that most people love the idea of fancy dining without having to pay for it – well, we all did pay for it as part of the cruise, but on the evenings of these formal dinners, there was no need to look at the prices next to “surf and turf” or “filet mignon”. There were professional photographers taking photos of people dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns right before going into dinner, and I marveled at how many women must have spent hours putting on makeup and doing their hair before putting on an elaborate evening gown just to sit down to a dinner that’s mass produced, even if it’s presented as a nice, formal and individualized dinner.

We learned that a lot of people get so excited just sitting by the pool, or sitting in the Jacuzzi, for hours on end.

We learned that being able to eat any time of the day and night delivers great pleasure to many.

We learned that people thoroughly enjoy any shows as long as they don’t have to pay extra to attend them. To be fair, the magician was very good and also very funny, engaging the audience to participate in all kinds of ways. There was a “Joel Mason show” that was highly popular – Joel Mason basically is a musician that tries to imitate Elton John. But the show spent more time on all kinds of silly theatricals than actual singing – I probably would not have minded listening to Elton John’s songs, but the constant silly jokes and parodies got tiresome after a few minutes.

When we first checked in, we got a cabin that’s very close to some machinery room. I felt that even with the ear plugs I could barely go to sleep. However, we were told that all cabins were full and they would see if they could find anyone who’s interested in swapping with us. Finally after 2 days, they found us another cabin – which had handicap access and which was slightly quieter. Later on, I would realize that the constant blowing of air from the ceiling fan was a major culprit – they probably have to install these fans that cannot be shut off because otherwise passengers could suffocate – after all there are 1600 passengers on board! All I can say is that I would wake up in the morning, feeling completely exhausted (due to lack of fresh air and the constant noise), extremely thirsty (due to the perpetual ceiling fan), and quite dizzy (from the motion of the ship). – While I did pretty much nothing else except for lying in bed or in a lounge chair on the last 2 days of the cruise when we were at sea, I was more exhausted on those two days than when we were doing sightseeing at the three Mexican cities.

I have to say that I will be among the few people in this world who would not recommend a cruise to others, including people who are not into adventurous vacationing at all. I am by no means athletic, as I don’t even go camping. I do want nice and clean rooms and interesting and tasty food on my travels. But the regimented way of vacationing – i.e. staying at one place, eating at one place (with many restaurants and many choices but it still felt like just one very stale place) and just going off the ship at a few places for a few hours - really gets old after a couple of days, despite the numerous activities/shows they have usually on board. In the end, the cruise experience was like a Vegas casino experience on the sea – with a smaller casino, smaller pools, smaller (and stuffier) rooms, and all these mediocre shows for free.

And how about my third try in appreciating Mexico? Cabo San Lucas is considered one of the favorite destinations for American tourists seeking some tropical fun. Where the ship docked, the scenery was quite unique with the rock formations, the waves and the pristine sandy beaches – the Lovers’ Beach and the Divorce Beach are essentially connected, with Lover’s Beach facing the tranquil harbor, and the Divorce Beach facing the open sea of the Pacific Ocean. Quite interesting names for these two beaches, I must say.

The town itself is just a tourist town of many souvenir shops, as well as pharmacists selling prescription drugs. As our usual practice, we picked a restaurant that clearly did not cater to the tourists – only local Mexicans were eating there and it looked quite authentic. Of course, that means the menu was only in Spanish and the waitress did not speak English either. I pointed to one dish with the picture of some stew. It turned out to be a stew of mostly beef tripes. Michael’s dish turned out to be some kind of fried chicken – overall the meal was probably authentic, but nothing interesting. In fact, that’s what I would say about Mexican cuisine we experienced both on this trip as well as on the previous trip to Mexico City, when we diligently sampled hidden gems of restaurants recommended by adventurous travelers – even when it’s authentic, it’s nothing interesting.

When we docked at Mazatlan, we joined a day-long tour of the Sierra Madre mountains, visiting several mountain towns. One of them (Concordia) is a sleeping little town with an old church in the town square.

Another one (Copala) was all the way into the mountain, where apparently quite a few Americans and Canadians have decided to set up home after retirement. The tour guide also took us to see some local handicrafts (we bought a carved wooden turtle). The scenery along the drive was overall fairly green and not as arid as the area around Mexico City, but it was not luscious like the forests in Hawaii or Puerto Rico.

The last stop was Puerto Vallarta – a major tourist attraction. There is an area of this town that’s mostly occupied by Americans and Canadians, situated on the hill overlooking the ocean. When we passed by those homes, we were surprised to see that inside it was all really nice and quite luxurious even though the façade was as shabby and unconspicuous as other houses. The whole town was on a hill, which means that we had to walk up and down a lot along these cobble-stoned paved streets. The houses were so close together that we wonder how they were built to start with.

Again, we found a restaurant that looked local enough, away from the crowds of tourists. It was perhaps among the most memorable experience in this city. Clearly it’s a family restaurant. The waiter was a teenage boy who hardly spoke any English. In the open kitchen stood two women, presumably his mother and his grandmother. Then another man showed up with some stuff bought from the market. The boy took our order, and then went ahead to pour a very colorful drink from this huge jar sitting there, even though I just asked for a bottle of water. While there were only 2 tables and 3 customers in total (Michael and I were at one table, and a Mexican woman was at another one), the staff outnumbered the customers. They worked very slowly and without any sense of urgency – I assume that in this town no one has any urgent business to attend to anyways. So we waited forever for our dishes, despite the few number of customers! They clearly did no advertising or promotion, and they were not pushy or overly friendly. We ate our food – which was okay but nothing interesting.

The boy asked Michael where we were from, and when he learned that we were from San Diego, he said that he wanted to go to the States too but he could not get a visa. This meal reminded me so distinctively of my conclusion after our trip to Mexico City in 2002 – people in Mexico are very poor, but they are not eager to make money or get rich. They would rather have an easy and leisurely life and make little money, than work harder to make more money. After we were finished with our lunch, we did not see anyone else coming into the restaurant, so most of the staff went away to rest. Maybe the whole family can sustain on serving a few tables each day in a tourist city like Puerto Vallharta. What a dramatic difference between this slow and overstaffed Mexican restaurant and an understaffed busy Chinese restaurant in California! I recall telling friends after visiting Mexico City that while Mexico borders the US, there’s nothing in common between the two countries from an ideological or philosophical perspective. Europe and Latin America are extremely alike in their emphasis on leisure and suspicion about progress, just as America and East Asia (represented by China, Japan, Taiwan, Korea) are extremely alike in their emphasis on hard work, fast progress and getting ahead. Divided by a huge Pacific Ocean, China is actually closer to the US than its bordering neighbor Mexico!

To be fair, I think if we had never been to Hawaii, Puerto Rico, or even Mexico City, we would have found Mexican Riviera a lot more fascinating – after all, there is the beach, the Hispanic culture, and the sense that one is visiting a foreign country. We were certainly foreigners in Mexico, and yet sadly, we were foreigners that no longer had any curiosity left for what this country had to offer. It is as if we went to a magic show enthusiastically put on by an apprentice of a magician we have seen before – therefore, when he enthusiastically pulled off a trick, we could at best manage a tired and condescending smile and think to ourselves, “oh we have seen that before, and actually a lot better done than that.”

And that is exactly how I feel about the visit to Mexican Riviera. Perhaps the main lesson to learn as a tourist is to resist the temptation to visit the most exciting places in the world first, and try to visit the least interesting places first, so that one never encounters disappointment.

And as for the cruise experience, maybe I will reconsider it when I am 70 years old, an age that favors predictability, routine and no effort over excitement. Oh getting old does sound so incredibly tedious…

Duchess of Devonshire, The Institution of Marriage, and Proposition 8

When Michael and I were in London at the beginning of September, we saw big posters of the movie “The Duchess” everywhere. I like period pieces in general, and I always love to see the vivacious and beautiful actress Keira Knightley. I made a decision then to see this movie when it comes out in the US, irrespective of the review.

So I finally did get to see the movie – I could tell that it is supposed to invoke the memory of the late Princess Diana to some extent, as after all, Lady Diana Spencer was a descendant of Duchess of Devonshire – Georgiana Spencer. She got married at the age of 17, to an older, cynical and insensitive Duke of Devonshire who wanted a male heir as a reason for the marriage, and who even fathered a girl before the marriage. She was highly intelligent, extremely attractive, and very fashionable, and she became quite the center of attention, especially for the Whigs Party, overshadowing her husband. It was said that the Duke was the only man in England that’s not in love with the Duchess. He had his affairs both before and during the marriage, and the Duchess put up with everything, especially since she had 2 daughters, a series of miscarriages and no son. When finally she gave birth to a son, she was able to get some silent agreement from the Duke that she could then spend her time as she wished and pursue an affair with Charles Grey, a young and aspiring politician who’s head over heels in love with her. Her friend, Lady Elizabeth Foster had already been the Duke’s live-in mistress for a long time by then, which greatly angered her first, but she also came to accept it, and felt that perhaps because of it she could get this deal from her husband and spend time with Charles Grey. However, when rumors started circulating about Georgiana and Charles Grey, the Duke threatened her that if she were to continue, she would be denied access to all her kids and Charles Grey’s political career would be destroyed. Georgiana gave in, sent the baby girl she had with Charles Grey to his family to raise, and went back to live with the Duke and Lady Elizabeth Foster, and continue to be a big influence of the Whigs Party. Charles Grey went on to become the Prime Minister as he had wanted – the Duke was not vengeful at all towards Grey once the Duchess decided to come back. Towards the end of the movie, even the Duke was demonstrating some feeling by saying that he too abhor this whole thing (i.e. marriage) and expressed a desire to live peacefully (if not happily or lovingly) together. It was then clear that the unfeeling Duke actually could love someone (i.e. Lady Elizabeth Foster). So I guess the point was that both the Duke and the Duchess were victims of this marriage, and whoever that’s to break it first legally would be condemned and punished.

Being a true believer in equality and a true advocate for reason and fairness, Michael’s comment was that the Duchess was bad at negotiating her position with the Duke, as she clearly got a rotten deal. However, considering the times she was in, perhaps it was the best she could have hoped for. Indeed while her husband could parade his live-in mistress, she could not do the same. And if she were to leave him, he felt that it would only be honorable for him (i.e. worthy of his title) to take those actions that he threatened, or else he would be ridiculed by society. While he had 2 kids with the mistress, since they were not born within the wedlock, they were not to inherit his title or name. Yes, perhaps one can see that he too was performing his duties unwillingly, and indeed was a victim of this institution called marriage.

It is perhaps forgotten or even unknown to most people how marriage as an institution came about. It was a mechanism to ensure inheritance of property by one’s true descendants. Since in the old days only men controlled and owned properties, it was important for them to know that they were transferring their properties/titles to their true descendants as opposed to someone else’s. Hence the mandate of “exclusivity and sanctity” of marriage. Of course men paid lip service to it for centuries by having mistresses and affairs – they had to make sure that their own wives were devoted, as only kids born to their wives were to inherit titles/properties. But they were not that concerned with whether the mistresses’ kids were their own or not. Women, on the other hand, due to their financial dependence, had to stay loyal to the husbands.

Back in the days of Duchess of Devonshire when women did not have the right to vote and certainly did not have a way to make an independent living, clearly things were blatantly unfair for women. Now in our age of “enlightenment”, most women can make an independent living. The frontier feminists have overall declared victory on making the “exclusivity” of marriage apply to men as well – or else the husbands face consequences which may include financial ones. Indeed Duchess of Devonshire – had she been alive today – would have been able to demand half of her husband’s fortune upon divorcing him and been able to freely marry the man of her love AND still see her kids, and perhaps even gaining custody of her kids!

However, when people get married these days, it is mostly for the purpose of “sharing a life with the love of one’s life”, which was never the foundation for marriage as an institution. In fact, marriage is not required for two people in love to build a meaningful life together and to make each other better people for themselves as well as others. The true and original need for marriage – for a man, it is ensuring his fortune to be passed onto his legitimate heirs, and for a woman, it is ensuring her to be taken care of financially as long as she’s faithful to her husband and devoted herself to raising his kids – is almost irrelevant in today’s society.

The high divorce rate is not something to celebrate, but at least it indicates that some people are correcting early mistakes and getting out of wrong unions, which is something that neither the Duchess nor the Duke could do in their days, despite their lofty social status. Perhaps were it not for the social constraint, the Duke would have wanted to divorce Georgiana and marry Lady Elizabeth Foster (a previously married woman with 3 kids). Were it not for the financial dependence on the Duke and the need to see her kids grow up, Georgiana would have wanted to divorce the Duke to marry Charles Grey.

What is truly alarming is the even higher rate of unhappy marriages that never broke apart because of the presumed “sanctity” of marriage, without knowing that the basis for marriage was for something as base as money, with “sanctity” added as an afterthought to render it somewhat tasteful. This vow that “till death do us part” that one uttered as an adult has indeed forbidden many responsible men and women from doing what is most responsible – which is to acknowledge that even in one’s twenties or early thirties, one could still be stupid or naïve as one could be in his/her teens, and that it’s not too late to do the right thing.

Actually most unhappy marriages did start out and even continue for a long while as rather blissful unions that seem to be problem-free, partly due to the naivete that comes with youth and partly because it takes a few years for people to figure out about themselves vs others, and to identify what truly were the founding elements of a lasting union. However, many of these bad marriages would continue to the end, because a bad marriage is like a tumor, as the longer you let it grow, the harder it seems to part with it – even if you think you will, should, or may get better if you were to surgically remove it. No wonder Sam Mendes’ “American Beauty” was a wild success, and no wonder he’s following up with another one of the same theme “Revolutionary Road” – starring his wife Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio – Winslet’s co-star in the super sappy but hugely popular “Titanic”. Perhaps the juxtaposition of these two movies by Winslet and Dicaprio says something about what people want and what they eventually get – they wish that they could have the same kind of romantic passion of Jack and Rose from “Titanic”, but they felt that were it not for the tragic death of Jack, the union of these two young people in love could result in “Revolutionary Road”, as it’s been the experience of many. From a less cynical and more positive perspective, one can argue that Jack and Rose never got married or talked of marriage (they only talked about living life to the fullest), and they were fanatically in love until the end; whereas the couple in “Revolutionary Road” seem to blame marriage as the reason for their falling apart and their lives becoming disappointments.

Therefore, one has to wonder, have the frontier feminists got a pyrrhic victory on their hands, by forcing men to be physically faithful who otherwise would not have stayed faithful to their wives so that everyone is now “equal”? If certain men would only stay faithful to their wives because of an institution, it either means they should not stay together any more (i.e. perhaps these men will have no problem staying faithful to other women), or these men should not be married to anyone at all. – surely the answer is not to use an institution to bind them.

Fundamentally, in today’s age when women can make an independent living instead of relying exclusively on their husbands’ support (which in turn was conditional upon them staying faithful and bearing them sons), there is no need for women to argue on behalf of the original “sanctity” of marriage as an institution. I have always believed in the sanctity of love and responsibility, which essentially have nothing to do with this institution. Institutions in general were created for some practical purpose of the people or the society, but as time goes on, these institutions often gain a life of their own in order to justify their existence and continuation. In the end, people end up serving the institutions as opposed to the other way around.

As a professional woman, I do not think that we live in a society where things are equally easy or fair for women. Yet at the same time, I strongly feel that the feminist movement that has been the most visible one in promoting women’s interest has perhaps done as much damage to the principles of fairness as the prejudices of male chauvinists. In fact, the most vocal feminists in professional or personal circles are the ones that have often turned otherwise open-minded men away from acknowledging problems/concerns facing women still in this society, and have rendered male chauvinists even more fanatical enemies of gender equality to the point that when bad things do happen to women, they are denied or dismissed.

Haven’t we witnessed in real life or on TV the following scenes too often? – A man who inevitably says “you are lucky” to a single man goes home to a wife who does little housework or does it reluctantly or resentfully (because modern women are not supposed to serve men at home any more), who insists on getting her way on everything petty/trivial at home as otherwise it would be a sign of female subordination, who constantly feels under-appreciated by others despite their often worse abilities and efforts, and who uses the institution known as marriage to keep an otherwise unhappy husband tied to her. No wonder this man would have a worse opinion for women when he shows up at work. Ironically, one can almost see a parallel between the Duchess of Devonshire and the responsible modern men (those suckers), as opposed to one between the Duchess of Devonshire and the modern “feminist” women. If one has married wisely, all is well. If the marriage has been a mistake, which is often the case if it happened when both were still fairly immature, the one that wants to get out of this institution faces the worst consequences – losing access to one’s kids, losing one’s fortune, and of course incurring the negative public opinion that “one should have honored one’s commitment” to the point of losing more on all fronts, as Georgiana faced. Georgiana never would have guessed that she would be sympathizing with today’s enlightened men, as opposed to today’s feminist women.

Therefore, had the Duchess of Devonshire been alive today, I wonder what she would have done. For all her independent spirit and love of life, I doubt that she would have joined many other contemporary women in demanding her husband’s sole attention – which would seem like a prize that’s immediately worthless when she got it. She is too smart for that. She would have recognized the pointlessness of keeping her husband to herself against his natural will. She would have let him free, and let herself free, but she would have negotiated to have perhaps part of his fortune ( since she needed the money as she could not make a living herself) and gone on to marry Charles Grey, to be the wife of the future Prime Minster of Britain, and remain good friends with the Duke and Lady Elizabeth Foster. She would have focused on what ultimately is what she needs and what makes her happy, as opposed to what she is SUPPOSED to want according to an arbitrary institution. Perhaps outside of marriage, she would have found the Duke a much better friend - although a bad husband for her, he could be a great one for Lady Foster. The Duke, on the other hand, perhaps would have appreciated Georgiana much more – while a mismatch for him, she could make a great wife for Charles Grey.

Michael reminded me that more than 10 years ago he had already pointed out that marriage was not necessary for people who want to be together. In fact, marriage per se has added nothing to the happiness of people who were happy together before marriage, but it has added utter misery to the lives of people who eventually find their marriages deficient. They find their marriages deficient because they assumed that they were supposed to be completely happy and satisfied within this exclusive institution. If they realized that the purpose of the marriage institution was legalized sex that results in undisputed descendants, perhaps they would not have held this institution so high and lofty above their own happiness and dignity. In fact, most people who are in unhappy marriages do not realize that it’s their understanding and expectation of this institution that’s the problem. They either should get out, or should find what’s missing elsewhere, in an honest and responsible way. But marriage as an institution is powerful today not only for women but also for men.

I was not nearly as wise as Michael, and as usual I have come to understand his seemingly avant-garde position only a few years later. We did get married and had a big wedding, as I am now ashamed to admit. As a human being, I too tend to rationalize a decision made previously that contradicts today’s reasoning. So what is my defensive argument? - I love parties (hence 100 guests at my wedding), I love to look pretty (hence my $2500 wedding gown from Priscilla of Boston during my impoverished graduate student days). Besides, what’s the harm of conforming to an arbitrary institution that we do not believe in, if we were not hurting anyone ourselves? And lastly, it would be presumptuous to think that by not getting married, that would be a meaningful statement that could make any difference.

While I am writing this, we are in the midst of US elections. On the California ballot, there is a proposition 8 that has to do with whether to allow gays and lesbians to marry. I must admit that my feeling regarding this proposition is utter exasperation – it is a topic that I believe should not have been raised one way or the other. To those who are adamantly against gays marrying, I want to say “why do you care how others live anyways, as long as they are not interfering with your life? It’s none of your business.”

And to the gays and lesbians that are advocating for this sacred “right” to marry – I want to say “if you know the original rationale for marriage, you would realize that it totally does not apply to you. Plus haven’t you seen enough miserable heterosexual relationships that would otherwise not have been miserable were it not for the marriage institution? Be careful what you wish for – you may get it.”

But hey, we are living in a democracy. I guess we should spread the misery around - why shouldn’t the gays and lesbians participate in it as well?

Weekends

I do not remember when I have come to regard weekends as truly different from weekdays. When I was in school, which felt like an eternity, weekends were simply shorter work days plus a movie or two, or a dinner out. Perhaps it is a sign of getting old – without all that youthful energy, I do need weekends!

One would think that a change from not having weekends to having weekends could only lead to more relaxation and less stress. – Except that in my case the transition has not been that smooth, which may be akin to how people transition from working full-time to retirement. Now that I have these precious weekends at my disposal, I feel compelled to make the most of them. As a result, having my weekends has resulted in more work and perhaps more stress, because I have to do more planning in order to have “interesting” weekends. Parties need to be planned in advance, dinners need to be arranged with friends, errands need to be ran at certain hours, and housework needs to be carried out timely. I occasionally wonder if I have become slave to my own definition of a “fulfilling” life.

And God forbid if I had spent a weekend doing very little, seeing no friends, hosting no parties and attending no parties! – I would end up feeling like a failure! J During this past summer for various reasons, I went through a few rather low-key and melancholy weekends, when I stayed home most of the time, watching classics on DVD, not knowing exactly what I was hoping to get out of “Pride and Prejudice” or “War and Peace”. I even went swimming in our swimming pool a few times, hoping that I would get enjoyment out of a “relaxing” weekend. I felt quite awful after those weekends were over, as I felt that I had done nothing exciting, enlightening, educational or even entertaining!

It is amazing how sometimes we distinctively remember a particular day as a perfect day. What is a perfect day on a weekend then?

One of them happened when I was in graduate school at MIT – I remember it so distinctively probably because it was such a huge contrast to all the other long (and painful) days and nights at MIT. It was a very beautiful Saturday in the early summer. Michael and I got up early in the morning, and we drove around to visit those beautiful colleges near Boston area, including Amherst, Smith and Mount Holyoke. To this day, I have a fondness for visiting old and elegant college campuses, as they often strike me as much more interesting than some state or national parks. Perhaps it is because they combine the elements I like about a place – pristine and natural scenery, great architecture, interesting history and an aura of higher learning. Afterwards, we went to the Museum of Fine Arts to watch a movie by the very independently spirited filmmaker Sylvia Chang from Taiwan – “Tonight Nobody Goes Home”. There is something special about watching a movie in a great museum. It feels so much more rarefied than watching it in a generic movie theater that smells like buttery popcorn all the time. After the movie, we had dinner with another couple – and it was at my favorite Indian restaurant in Harvard Square, which is one of my favorite places in the world. A perfect day on a weekend combines everything that one would associate with a day off: physical exercise, sight-seeing, cultural or educational activities and of course fun parties or dinners!

So what am I going to do this weekend? Having lived in San Diego for over 6 years, I have never gone to a Miramar Air Show – presumably the world’s best military air show. That’s why Michael and I are going to see it this Saturday afternoon at a friend’s place that’s overlooking the airbase, thereby avoiding the crowds and the noises. Another friend and her husband are coming from LA to stay with us on Saturday night. Besides the two of them, I will have another two local guests over for dinner on Saturday night, which is why I am cooking a big feast. On Sunday we will probably have brunch in Del Mar by the coast – I love eating lunch at one of those restaurants overlooking the aqua-blue ocean under a bright sky. While I will spend Sunday afternoon attending the board meeting of a non-profit organization, Michael will be off to work and my LA friends will be off to see the airshow. Maybe we will finish off the weekend by watching a Merchant Ivory film “Before the Rains”. I find myself going over the plan and asking myself, “ is there anything else I can do? And have I got enough time to do all the housework and ran all the errands?” Perhaps I am one of the the unwitting products of modern-day’s overprogrammed lifestyle. There is no time for spontaneity in our age of PDAs….

Thoughts on Shanghai vs. New York

Shanghai

West meets East

I landed in Shanghai the day before the Mid-Autumn Festival. This year is the first time that the Chinese government has made this traditional Chinese festival a day off for everyone. Interestingly, when I was growing up, most of the official holidays (i.e. days off for everyone) were “new” holidays, as opposed to traditional Chinese festivals that have long histories, special meanings and unique food. Now that China is experiencing breathtaking Western-style development, it is also trying to dig up more and more of its history and tradition to become more “Chinese”.

For a tourist, Shanghai really does not offer much. As a city, it does not have the Great Wall, Forbidden City or Ming Tombs that help a rather austere Beijing convey a sense of majesty; it does not have the terra cotta warriors that have made a sleepy Xian uniquely mythical; it cannot rival Hangzhou on natural beauty, without a breathtaking West Lake of its own; nor can it rival Suzhou when it comes to those elegant scholars’ gardens. Even though urban development in the past 50 years have taken away many of Suzhou’s gardens and filled most of its canals, one can still get a sense of its ethereal and delicate beauty, just as a naturally beautiful woman could still be beautiful even in shabby clothes.

In a way, almost every other major city in China has something “permanent” to their identities and something uniquely theirs. When it comes to Shanghai, however, I have always tried without success to capture its essence with words. In the end, I have come to realize that its essence is its complete malleability and its constant change. And it is indeed a constantly changing city, with an aim to be more modern, more wealthy and more important, based on the latest definition of those criteria.


The second tallest building in the world opened its doors in Shanghai recently – Shanghai World Financial Center looks like a can opener, with a square hole in the middle of the top portion of the building. Architects must be running out of good ideas these days. I did not get a chance to visit it, as I heard that the lines would be long. Still, just by looking out of the windows of my room at St. Regis in the Pudong Area of Shanghai, I must say that this city reminds me more of New York than other Chinese cities.

Like my previous trips to Shanghai, this one was also for work, which means that I spent a lot of time talking business in restaurants. The food at these restaurants is infinitely better than the Chinese food one can find anywhere in the US, with service so attentive that it borders on making you feel uneasy. By comparison to what one can get at somewhat more “local” restaurants that cater to the Chinese paying out of their own pockets as opposed to paying out of an expense account, there is a dramatic and perhaps unnecessary price difference. – I am not complaining though, as I did love the food tremendously, not least because I recently came back from a vacation trip to central Europe, where I might have lost weight, despite eating apple strudels constantly…

St. Regis is of course not a Shanghai brand or a Shanghai phenomenon. However, I feel that a St. Regis experience is perhaps more “Shanghai-esque” than visiting the Yu Garden (arguably the only historic site in Shanghai), because of its emphasis on luxury and comfort and “westernization”. While I previously never exercised on my business trips, I decided to bring my swimsuit this time. The swimming pool was on the 5th floor – I put on my swim suit and my robe in my room and took the elevators down to the 5th floor. The pool was huge with just a couple of people swimming. There were several Jacuzzis and saunas located at two different floors, with separate bathrooms and changing rooms attached to them. I had the impression that the staff (as opposed to guests) were taking the most advantage of this fabulous facility. I asked a staff member how to turn on one of the Jacuzzis as she was putting down more fresh towels, bottled water and robes next to me (even though there was just me), and she apparently did not know. She called to one of the shower rooms for instruction – someone was taking a shower there. Instead of poking her head out of the shower or calling out instructions from behind the door, out came this woman standing completely naked in front of me providing instructions. I was so startled by this obviously unintentional “exhibitionism” and I found myself staring at her naked body (very attractive and curvaceous I must say). Later on, I would find out that in women’s bathrooms, even though all the showers and changing rooms were separate to allow maximum privacy, the local women do not feel any need to be NOT naked – they walked around completely naked chatting each other up, completely unaware that I felt embarrassed the whole time!

On a Friday evening, a friend took me to this Irish pub in Puxi area (i.e. west of the Huangpu River) in Shanghai. As I walked in, I had the impression that I was in Australia or Europe, because almost no one there was Chinese and everyone was speaking a foreign tongue. The pub is called O’Malley’s, and they serve all kinds of beer, include Guinness of course. There was a huge open seating area outside of the house, which itself dated to the colonial days. In the States I have never seen a pub that is simultaneously so interesting, lively and international…

Mixing with the locals

The next day, I got together with two friends who are professors – they are the new generation of academics in China. They are a little younger than I am, and were both trained in the US before going back to China. We met in Xujiahui for lunch, arguably the busiest commercial district in Shanghai. One thing about professional women in Shanghai is that they always look so good, with nice hair, tasteful clothes, and perfect complexion. After lunch at a Korean restaurant, we went to a beauty salon in the same shopping center for a facial. The beauty salon in Shanghai is a completely decadent experience. Their menus are as heavy as dictionaries, with all kinds of treatment for all kinds of skin types, age groups, etc. Needless to say, the minute the receptionist saw me, she labeled me as one that needed serious and serial treatments. She immediately suggested a regimen that must be continued monthly for at least a year if not forever, and my friend quickly added that if I don’t continue, my skin would look even worse than if I had not done it at all. Sadly, by not living in Shanghai, I had to give up the possibility of having translucent and youthful-looking skin. I chose the generic introductory facial, which comes at close to $30 even after the 70% discount. – With wages in Shanghai still much lower on average than the US, it shows how much women in Shanghai are willing to pay for beauty.

I felt all relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated after my 90-minute long facial, but my relaxed state did not last long – in a city like Shanghai, one cannot stay relaxed for long. Since it was raining a little bit and I was in the busiest shopping district, I could not find a taxi. I decided to take the subway even though there is no direct line going back to the hotel. It took me over an hour changing lines, battling the crowds, standing in crowded trains and eventually still taking a taxi from the closet subway stop to finally get back to my hotel. I looked into the mirror as I was trying to put on some makeup for the wedding reception that evening – my face looked as weathered and stressed out as it was before that magic facial. I thought to myself, “no wonder the expats all need a car with a driver.”

The wedding reception was held at Grand Hyatt in Jinmao Tower, which was Shanghai’s tallest building until recently. The groom is the CEO of a local biotech company. The bride is originally from Taiwan, went to school in Vancouver and now works in Shanghai for a foreign bank. The reception was quite nice and lavish – as one would expect from the Grand Hyatt of Shanghai. It was the first time that I got to see the families of many life science leaders in the hi-tech park of Shanghai. Previously I had met many of them at functions, events or dinners. I was assigned to a table where everyone had an investment background except for me! Needless to say, all of us exchanged business cards the minute we got to our table, and started talking shop. They all were educated in the US and lived and worked in the US for many years before returning to Shanghai. Throughout the whole dinner, I had this fear that my dinner companions would suddenly find out that I am actually an impoverished entrepreneur (they know that I am an entrepreneur but they may not know how impoverished I am), and they would all get up and say to me, “you cannot sit at this table, because you have not made millions yet. You don’t even have a real Louis Vuitton bag.” – Actually I am worse than that, as I do not even have a fake LV bag. To be fair, all the people at my table were very nice and I had a lot of fun talking to them.

Photo copyright Ben Houge

China... all the way to New York

Is bigger better?

I left Shanghai and landed in San Francisco early morning on Sunday. While none of my friends in Shanghai does any housework (they all hire housekeepers), I of course have to do all the cleaning and laundry myself in Bay Area. I ran a few errands, did a lot of work by email (what did people do before the age of email?) and went to a friend’s place for dinner. Her mom did all the cooking, which was great. I ate so much that they felt a bit perplexed, as I just returned from China that day. “Well, the United Airlines flight itself could make one long for great Chinese food.” Over dinner, I relayed my experiences in Shanghai to her, including the part on how I felt like a country bumpkin in Shanghai, to which her husband asked somewhat incredulously, “so you don’t consider yourself part of that group of rich people?” Before I could answer, the wife wryly added, “if she did, she would not be coming to our house for dinner!”

The next morning, I flew to New York for a business meeting. While I consider St. Regis in Shanghai pricey, it turned out that the Hilton hotel I would stay in mid-town Manhattan would be three times as expensive. It was almost 9 pm when I got into mid town Manhattan in a taxi, and the streets were still busy with pedestrians. Indeed it is the city that never sleeps. At check-in, I was told that I should not be shocked when I opened the door to my room, because I had been upgraded to a very big suite at no extra charge.

And indeed I was shocked when I opened the door to my suite – it was at least 1500 square feet, with a dining room, a living room, a kitchen, two bathrooms, and a bedroom. It took me forever just to find all the light switches to turn on enough lights to see the place, and find all the air-conditioner switches to turn off all that cold air blasting from everywhere. I still failed to figure out how to turn on the complicated TV system in the living room though. Since I dislike room service, I asked a friend for the phone number of a nearby Chinese restaurant that delivers. She gave me the number of the same Chinese restaurant that I went to with my friends when I would periodically visit New York from Boston in my grad school days. I called and asked for a couple of dishes, feeling a little guilty as I could not possibly finish two dishes. The door bell rang, and it was clearly too early for my delivery to show up. I nervously asked, “who is it?” “Room service.” “But I did not order room service.” “it comes with the suite.” With that, I opened the door, and saw a waiter pushing this huge cart with a lot of things on top. He asked me where he should set it up, and I almost asked him where most people would have it set up. He showed me all those plates of fruits and cheese, the dozen bottles of soft drinks, all the chips and crackers, and two boxes of chocolates, and asked me if I needed anything else. I hesitated for a second, “is it all free?” – He said, “it is included in the room.” Soon after he left, my Chinese takeout arrived. I felt really bad not letting the delivery guy in when he expressed utter amazement at the big suite and asked if he could come in for a tour. But after all, this is dangerous New York!

I thought long and hard about whether I knew anyone living in mid-town Manhattan that I could invite to my suite to enjoy the panoramic view from the 44th floor and all those free snacks, and could not think of any. Besides, if anyone is rich enough to live there, how could they have the time to care about free snacks? – I sat down to eat my Chinese takeout dinner, consisting of a string bean dish and a chicken dish, choosing to ignore the fancy display of fruits and cheese. The scene must have been somewhat comical, as here I was, staying in an expensive hotel in Manhattan, but still eating like a grad student. The suite was huge, but it was all wasted on me. In fact, I did not even like the suite, as it exacerbated my awareness that I was all alone on a business trip. Besides, the building is fairly old. Despite some recent renovations, one could still tell that it was a bit tired. It was nothing like the brand new and glitzy St. Regis that has “personal butler” service.

The Old New World

The next morning, I went to the meeting, which was held in the New York Times building. And what a grandiose view it was from the meeting room! The skyline of New York is still better than that of Shanghai. They had to shut the blinds so that people could concentrate on the meeting instead of constantly looking out the windows! I loved this small meeting, where I gave a short talk on the Chinese life science industry, and the obligatory short promotion on my company. Everyone was fascinated by China. With all that’s going on in the world, it seems that "China" has become the answer to everything:

· Searching for new products and innovation? – Go to China! – That’s why pharma companies have sent partnering people to be based in Shanghai.
· Seeking to grow revenue? – Go to emerging markets such as China!
· Funding companies and early-stage innovation? – China has the money!
· Seeking to cut costs of R&D? – China!

Right before I left for the airport, I saw two friends at a nearby Starbucks. If there is a category of “perfect professional women that can do everything well”, they two belong to that category. They are MIT and Columbia-trained PhDs who also have received MBAs, and are now working for Fortune-500 companies in New York in finance and marketing. They have been happily married to their college sweethearts for years, who themselves are highly successful professionals. Despite the lengthy education and the demanding careers, they have also found time to have kids – one has a boy and a girl, and the other has 3 boys (two of them are twins)! They are both fun-loving, travel a lot, read a lot, and socialize a lot. What else can I enthuse about them? – In summary, they are superwomen that would put most to shame, including myself. They told me that the United Nations General Assembly was going on at the time, which I otherwise would not have known. “With all the problems, maybe New York will not be the center of the world any more. But for those of us who live here, those events like the United Nations General Assembly still make us feel that this remains the center of the world,” my friend said philosophically and somewhat forlornly. I said good-bye to my friends, as they both hurried onto their next tasks – they are busy professionals, mothers, wives and daughters, and yet they still make time for friends. I am amazed at them, and ashamed at how little I have been able to accomplish with my much smaller repertoire of responsibilities and duties.

As I was leaving New York, I found myself thinking of New York as an old (and established) city, and Shanghai as a young (and emerging) city, when in reality Shanghai has been around for many more centuries. George Santayana said, “America is a young country with an old mentality.” Regardless of whether people agree with his sentiment or not, I am at least convinced that “China is an old country with a young mentality”.

Mozart lives on

Mozart is still putting out new work! Today a French museum found a previously unknown composition in his handwriting. (Alas it is not a complete score.) Apparently Mozart was about to become choir director in the Stephansdom in Vienna when he died at the age of 35.

Listening to Mozart in the Stephansdom on our recent Vienna trip

A lesson from the past

There is a certain amount of kindness, just as there is a certain amount of light. We cast a shadow on something wherever we stand, and it is no good moving from place to place to save things; because the shadow always follows. Choose a place where you won't do harm — yes, choose a place where you won't do very much harm, and stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine.

So wrote E. M. Forster in A Room With a View. Perhaps it is a philosophy we should keep in mind 100 years later.