Impending Motherhood

When Michael first set up the blog, it was largely because I wrote a long e-mail to friends about our trip to Europe summer of 2008. He figured that it would be a good place to store my reports on my travels.

Unfortunately, since then, I have done very little travelling, partly due to the pregnancy. There is a reason why in the old days, the euphemism for pregnancy is “confinement”. To some extent, it does feel like a confinement, especially as it progresses to the last few weeks.

Needless to say, friends and relatives have been providing me a lot of advice and suggestions, and I myself have been paying attention to how other mothers cope with pregnancy and their babies. I must say that it has been an interesting revelation for sure. We all know that people are different, but somehow, when we get to see truly how different they are in an area to which we were not paying attention previously, we can still be surprised.

One thing that everyone does share in common is that they all think having kids is great and they cannot imagine living a life without having kids, as it would have been an incomplete, or unfulfilled life. I am definitely not unique enough to defy something endorsed by 100% of the people who have been through this experience.

Aside from that common ground, I have come to see the drastic differences among parents, especially mothers. These days, we are inundated with information on how to have a perfect pregnancy and how to be a perfect parent, that it is easy to see how one gets guilty about not doing something, or doing something that seems to not be in the baby’s best interest. I recall reading an article by Judith Warner of New York Times that asserted that what makes mothers happy is ultimately what is best for the babies as well, as a grumpy and frustrated mother is less likely to be great for her baby. Still, even as I was telling others about this article, I felt a slight guilt as it was almost a bit too self-serving. In a way, my ambivalence for the longest time about having kids is due to what many women told me, presumably to make me want to have kids, “it will be the best and most rewarding experience in your life. But your life will be completely changed, as you will not be able to travel around, watch movies, attend parties, go out to dinner or work as much. But by that time you will not care much about those things. ” – I did not find it very persuasive, to say the least!

So what are the different types of mothers or would-be mothers?

There is of course the group that stick to the perfect diet during pregnancy as well as the “ideal” way to care for a baby. It means eating things that may taste awful (I am being a bit facetious here), and not eating or drinking things that one might like much more. It means breastfeeding for as long as possible – apparently the “ideal” here has changed as years ago, formula was considered “ideal” whereas breastfeeding was considered inferior – I am sure that there will be more studies emerging in this field to keep certain people busy. And yes, it does mean a completely changed life, giving up all that one used to enjoy, because presumably the new joy is enough to replace or substitute for the old joys. While I do not want to predict what I am going to be like after having the baby (people tell me that it’s unwise to make such predictions before birth), I certainly have not earned a place in this group just during pregnancy, as I did eat what I felt like eating, drank what I felt like drinking, and going to some places which I felt like visiting, and still have not read all the books that I have been given on pregnancy, birth and raising babies.

Then there is another group – I actually have not met anyone in person, but I heard about them from my sister-in-law who knows a lot of people. She said that a friend of hers with two kids was quite the opposite of the usual obsessive mothers. One of the kids would bump into some furniture, with blood dripping from his nose. While the visitors to the house got alarmed, the mother calmly replied, “oh that happens often. Don’t worry. He will be fine.” – And indeed he was fine, but just looked terrible walking around with a bloody face and bloody clothes!

My sister-in-law has an 8-month old baby boy. Since she gave birth, she has travelled with her husband and her baby to Taiwan and Japan, and will travel to South Africa later this year. Whenever I visit her, the baby is generally in a good mood and can play on his own. He sleeps in his own room, and eats a lot. He does cry a little before going to sleep, but my sister-in-law is fairly disciplined about training him to go to sleep in his own room. She would take him along to go to restaurants she just discovered with me, and the baby would be just fine. She just asked me if Michael and I would like to join them on a long weekend trip at the end of May to Mendicino, as they will go camping there. Considering that it will be just two weeks before my due date, she suggested that we book a Bed&Breakfast as there are plenty of beautiful B&Bs there.

When I told a friend of mine about this suggestion, she immediately said that it was a bad idea, as it was so close to my due date. Then she marvelled at my sister-in-law's ability to still enjoy life so much, and commented how she could not imagine doing so much travelling, with her 5-month old baby. Before giving birth she talked about not fussing over the baby as many others did. Now the baby must be held by someone during her waking time. That does make travelling and other activities nearly impossible. I assume that different babies naturally have different temperaments, and perhaps some do require so much more attention and care than others.

Then there are friends and relatives whose kids are already in school. The competitive spirit among Asians makes some parents excessively proud – they could not talk about anything else except for their kids, including what they can do, what they have done, and what they will be doing. I cannot help wondering if years from now, these parents might resort to the guilt tricks by saying “think about how much we have done and sacrificed for you, and this is what you do to us?” – that is, in case the kids want to pursue something “useless” other than law, medicine or business, or turn out to be gay as opposed to getting "properly" married with kids at the right time, or worst of all, do not get into as good of a college as kids of parent’s friends and relatives…

By contrast, those whose kids are not winning piano competitions at age 6 feel that they have been somewhat delinquent. Even when they realize that perhaps it is ridiculous to enter into these "competitions", they naturally feel responsible for not making their kids child prodigies.

Who knows… While I now think I would like to lead a life as my sister-in-law is still able to lead after birth, I might turn into a hopelessly protective and constantly obsessive mother who cannot stop telling others about what my son can do, has done, or will do in the future. I am blushing simply at the thought of being so "nauseating" to others, but then realize that if I do turn out like that, I will likely not even be aware of it to blush...