We all just want to belong...

When I read the widely circulated artcile “What’s a Modern Girl to Do?” (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html) by the witty and sarcastic Maureen Dowd over three years ago, I recalled thinking, “ indeed the feminist movement has been almost a complete failure.” Michael’s comment was, “the feminists successfully called the hypocritical men bluffing – while men had insisted for centuries on the sanctity of marriage to keep women subservient, the feminists essentially forced men to apply the same exclusivity to themselves as well.” – The result, was the sad and sorry outcome of this institution called marriage, so that both genders are equally vexed and unhappy!

Despite my own belief that we should not blindly and easily fall into conventional thinking, I know that I am among the majority of people who would instinctively think that an attractive and talented woman should get married. While marrriage has not necessarily delievered absolute bliss to many, I find myself fretting over my sister’s single status and even worrying about female friends of mine who are not married. I would think somewhat sadly, “they are so beautiful, talented and fun, and it’s too bad that they have not got married.” In reality, I suppose my thinking is actually as conventional as the kind driving those notorious bespectacled old-fashioned aunts, who would nag their nieces about getting married before it’s too late, much to their neices’ annoyance.

Ironically, when we see our loved ones marry people who have cost them dearly in personal and professional happiness, we do not find ourselves thinking “oh if only she/he were single…” it is as if in the back of our minds, being married (no matter how bad the marriage is) is always better than being single. That is perhaps why if and when we hear complaints from friends about their spouses, even if we think that we would not be able to stand such behaviors, we would always try to come up with words in defense of those spouses we dislike or even despise. No one wants to be in the position to counsel someone out of his or her marriage, no matter how terrible the marriage is. Sometimes we find ourselves not wanting to spend time with some friends any more, because we cannot stand their spouses, or how their spouses treat them. Perhaps that is in a way a betrayal of our friends and a cowardly way to shun responsibility, but we do that because we do not believe that our honesty will be appreciated even by our friends.

A few years ago, a female friend did confide in me how she was so unhappy with her husband. While honestly I could not see them happy together and indeed were it up to me I would have left such a husband already, I would not dare to encourage her to seek a divorce. I think either I was too chicken to shoulder the responsibility of “destroying” her marriage, or I subconsciously thought that being married was still better than being single. As it turned out, she did divorce her husband, and now is happily remarried.

Last night I was talking to a male friend who is still single, and I told him a joke about marriage, “married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.” – He did not find it very funny though, probably because he still thinks that regardless, it is a lot better to be married than to be single.

Perhaps even the feisty and sharp-tongued Maureen Dowd did not realize that in the back of her mind, she too thinks like other people – it is better to be married. She too, conforms, even as she ridicules others for their lack of courage to stand up to social pressure.

Ultimately, I suppose we human beings really just want to belong, a habit that we have developed since childhood when we wanted to be liked by our playmates, praised by our teachers, and nothing could be worse than being singled out. For those of us who think that we dare to be different in our thinking and behaviors, perhaps we do so only because our “daring” behaviors and thoughts still meet acceptance from at least some people whom we identify with as “daring and independent”. Such is the futile pursuit of human beings for true independence of mind.