What We Should Learn From "Fortress Besieged"

The other day, I had a rather heated discussion with a friend on certain human behaviors we see often in the society. As expected, we did not come to agreement.To some extent, the discussion was about how we should view seemingly weak or even disadvantaged people who relied on their image of weakness, or adopted methods other than through their merit, to have gained a position that they otherwise would have not been able to.

My friend is always the compassionate type, saying that as long as they don’t have evil intentions, we should not be so harsh towards them and we should feel sorry for them. Besides, she argued that it’s understandable that “weak” or “incompetent” people would resort to all kinds of measures to grab onto whatever they feel is important for their survival, be it material, or emotional survival, because they have so little to give while needing so much. I, on the other hand, perhaps belong to the “harsher” group of people.

I do agree that we ought to demonstrate real compassion towards people who are disadvantaged by various measures. But I believe that compassion is misplaced the minute these people turn these "disadvantages" into an asset or weapon of theirs, or worse yet, due to their lack of competency, they use other means such as preying on people’s fears and manipulating (albeit subconsciously) others to get their way. It is as if their childhood abuse - a common theme in Hollywood movies to justify adult-stage selfishness or other unpleasant behaviors - would be reason enough for them to get away with anything they do or don't do. We can say, “oh but they usually feel so helpless and miserable that no wonder they will resort to any means - they probably do not even have the capacity to think for others or to care about others.” While it's true that there is nothing the rest of us can do to change their behavioral pattern, it also means sympathy and compassion will stop right there.

The supreme irony is that when these people finally did win their way by consciously or subconsciously using these means, they often found out that they did not want “exactly” that, or that things turned out worse for them. Sure, the incompetent who brown-nosed or threatened their way into a promotion may want the material benefits associated with the title, but they did not REALLY want the responsibility of having to do anything for it; and sure, women like Sun Roujia in Qian Zhongshu’s famous novel “The Fortress Besieged” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortress_Besieged) may have made all kinds of effort to find and keep a husband, but they did not really like the rest of the package associated with marriage once they were successful at landing a husband (e.g. the responsibiltiies, the requirement for empathy and understanding, the need for constant self-improvement, etc), nor did they even find the husbands they caught so great, useful or even to their satisfaction anyways. In other words, they do not know to “be careful what they wish for, as they may actually get it”. Perhaps had they been smarter, they would have chosen differently or demanded less, so that they could have gained much more in the end, either due to others’ competency to deliver, or due to others’ gratitude for their understanding.

When they finally mentally “get” it, it is already too late. Those who find themselves in positions of responsibility after eliminating competent competitors now secretly wish that they should have stayed on the sideline to benefit from the work of the competent, but it’s too late; those women who find themselves successful at finding and keeping husbands on a strict leash wish that perhaps they should have done something differently, when they see that their victory has led to emotionally and mentally broken men and no real happiness for themselves either, but alas, it's too late. For Sun Roujia in "Fortress Besieged", the biggest success or the proudest achievement in her life was getting Fang Hongjian to marry her; at the same time, the biggest failure or mistake in her life was also getting Fang Hongjian to marry her. Their marriage was the classic demonstration of the following joke, " A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."

Actually for women like Sun Roujia, they would have been unhappy regardless of their marital status. Having a husband makes it easier for them to have a target for their general unhappiness. They simply do not know what would "solve" their problem in life. Therefore their heroic effort to land a husband and even more desperate attempt to keep that husband who does not even meet their expectations have made them feel doubly underappreciated, and terribly resentful of the "sacrifices" they have made for the sake of this marriage. Again, it is a classic case of "not knowing what one really needs or wants".

As I expected, my friend labeled me an “elitist”. I have long resigned myself to being labeled as an elitist or things even worse by her – it is good to have a friend who can call you various bad names. I maintain that we as human beings should try to be smart and clear as to what we truly want and wish for, as well as what we are truly capable of, so that if and when we get it, we can own up to it, and do not succumb to the syndrome portrayed by Qian Zhongshu’s “Fortress Besieged”, loosely based on a French proverb – “Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out.”