Today I was talking with a friend of mine on the phone. We had not been in touch for almost 3 years, since around the time she gave birth to her son. Obviously back then I did not know how to relate to people with babies, and she was busy with the newborn.
Her son will be three years old soon, and she said that it had been the best experience in her life. That is – even though her son was hospitalized twice for serious infections within a 2-month period around the age of 9 months, even though he woke up every 2-3 hours for a few months (until she adopted the “cry-it-out” method to train him to sleep), and even though her life “no longer had the flexibility that it once had before”.
She said that she had a revelation when she adopted the “cry-it-out” method – the baby cried like crazy and she really thought that he was going to die, but he did not. Then it occurred to her that she ought to have faith that things will turn out fine, and she should not worry about things for which she has no control. Knowing, and more importantly, accepting that there are things out of your control, can be a liberating thought, if you do not constantly anticipate doom-and-gloom. “you can’t prevent bad things from happening to your kid. But you can always give him love and care.”
She gave me another piece of advice, “ when you are in the middle of it, you probably do not realize the importance of remembering everything. But write down everything, take lots of photos, as you will forget. And the worst is to have no memory of what happened.” I thought to myself – indeed I would write about my baby a lot, but mostly in the form of emails to friends asking for advice or suggestions or just to express how I am worried. But do I write about his latest skills and favorite toys? How would I remember all these things in a few years? For example, I already regret not ever taking a photo of him showing hunger and getting ready to eat during his first two months – he would lift both arms to an almost horizontal position and bend them, with the fists almost meeting each other in front of his chest. He would start eating in that position, and as he got fuller, the arms would relax and drop naturally to his sides. Oh I never remembered to take a photo of that, and he is now too big to do that silly thing again…
So I am now taking up my “pen” (i.e. my keyboard) to write about him – yesterday, the nanny had put two layers of blankets on him for his naps despite the room being fairly warm, and his face flared up in eczema. After a whole night of sleeping in a heated room, it had got even worse. The nanny was all worried that he had developed some serious allergies, and being a worry wart myself, I also fret over his eczema even at work. I find it hard to look at his red face without feeling an ache in my stomach. His pretty plump face is now covered with red patches that are obviously very itchy so he kept scratching his face. Oh how I wish that I had known better to not have kept him too warm…
Again, I guess what I have always lacked and what every mother needs is faith – faith that babies will turn out fine, faith that despite mistakes I make and others make (which will happen on an ongoing basis for sure) my son will not be damaged, faith that while I will never stop worrying about him which is overall a negative sentiment, I will emerge a better, happier and more positive person, more mature, more understanding and more resilient. In short - faith that things will be just fine.
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