Chinese Parent or Western Parent?

The Wall Street Journal article “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior?” (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html) by Amy Chua has generated so much heated discussion that it is hard to avoid people asking me where I stand, especially since I am after all, a Chinese mother.

Needless to say, since Michael and I both went to Harvard, and we have 3 doctorate degrees between the two of us (I am the less educated one here), most people assume that we will be strict “Chinese” parents who will not tolerate anything other than absolute perfection from our son Winston.

As someone who has been in an academic institution his entire life up to now, Michael perhaps pays more attention to academics than anyone else. Therefore, it is not surprising that he endorses some aspects of the Chinese parents. He often comments on how another friend of mine has spoiled his kids too much, which seems to suggest that he wants to be a strict father. However, based on my observation, Michael does not have the heart to be a strict parent. If Winston does not want to lie down to get his diaper changed, Michael will empty his pockets to produce his iPhone, car keys, digital camera to amuse him. Basically, if he has anything that could amuse Winston, he will give it to him. After a couple of days like that, I finally said no to it, and told Winston as I pressed him down on his diaper changing pad “you are getting your diaper changed whether or not you cry.” - Sure enough, after a few times, Winston decided that it was pointless to put up a fight as I always ended up winning. Now he happily lies down on the diaper changing pad and sticks up his chubby legs to have his diaper changed.

As for me, I often do not practice what I preach. When people ask me what kind of parent I want to be and whether I will drive Winston to be as successful as possible, I tell them honestly what I think, “ I do not need Winston to be more successful than I am. If I want success, I will achieve it myself, as opposed to living through my son vicariously. In addition, that is too much pressure on a kid if he has to make his mother’s unfulfilled dreams come true. But I want Winston to be happier than I am. Beyond that, I just want him to be able to support himself financially and make a living.” After hearing my utterly sincere answer, my friends would roll their eyes and say, “yeah, right. I doubt that you will be that relaxed!”

In summary, Michael wants to be a Chinese parent, but he can’t; I want to be a western parent, but perhaps I can’t either. Winston will grow up under the conflicting influences of his self-conflicting parents – that in itself is a huge challenge for him!