Marissa Mayer vs. Anne-Marie Slaughter

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article in the Atlantic "Why Women Still Can't Have it All" unleashed a lot of debates. She's certainly been very successful in her line of work, and she sensibly advocates for policy change to accommodate the challenge of motherhood. But  she also makes it clear that perhaps there is no real substitute for a mother at certain points of a kid's life. With some kids, it may be at the infant stage if the kid is premature or has some health issues. With others, it may be during the difficult teenage years as in Anne-Marie Slaughter's case. Those who completely outsource their kids to others or simply delegate them to grandparents sometimes have great luck in which case their delegates do a great job of raising the kids, as in the case of Katharine Graham's own parents. Well, let me qualify that statement by saying that Katharine Graham has turned out phenomenal, with her own siblings having various issues in their lives with their parents. But more often than not, these parents find themselves regretting later in life when the kids practically tell them that it's their fault not to have been there. 

Almost soon afterwards, we read about the high-profile appointment of Marissa Mayer as CEO of Yahoo!. Her first baby is due this October, and she made a point of telling the public that she will hardly take any time off and work through the maternity leave. That of course has elicited a lot of discussion, with some criticizing her for sending the wrong message, some applauding her courage, and still others wondering if she knows what she is going through. 

As for myself, I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about Marissa Mayer's message. On the one hand, it is totally her own business how much time she wants to take off after giving birth, and surely she can afford the world's best nannies and housekeepers to do a much better job than she can in terms of childcare and housework. On the other hand, I feel slightly frustrated. 

I feel frustrated because sometimes I find myself compared to women who are struggling with a full-time job while taking care of two kids mostly by themselves, with hardly any hired help. Of course these women never think of comparing themselves to Marissa Mayer, because they know that they will never be promoted as fast as their male colleagues whose wives are also taking a slow pace at work. 

But I also feel frustrated because most other times I find myself compared (subconsciously or by lectures from others) to successful women like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, who of course are utterly amazing in their careers and have made it before they encounter motherhood. It would seem that I should be able to leave my son behind for extended period of time without worrying, but my nanny got paid a fraction of the super nannies of the rich, who presumably are not only incredibly experienced but also willing to go beyond the call of the duty if for no other reason but the ridiculously high salary. And by the way, my nanny got paid even a little higher than the average. But the key word is "average". 

Therefore, I have to say that Anne-Marie Slaughter does send the right message in her article in that she makes it clear that it is not a good idea to compare point by point what a super successful woman can do with her family after she's become super successful.  The fact that Marissa Mayer will plan to take very little time off is amazing, but the amazing part is due to her making it to the top of the corporate echelon. That is not something that anyone can accomplish. As she can afford the world's best team of nannies, nurses, tutors, child psychologists and housekeepers, perhaps the first few years of her kid's life should turn out better than most without her being around as much. In fact, these early advantages may prevent the troubles that Anne-Marie Slaughter's kids went through in their teenage years. After all, when her kids were little, she was working perhaps as hard as Marissa Mayer, but without the millions to afford a world-class professional team for the kids. 

Aging Gracefully

A while ago, a friend told me that her father was in critical condition at the hospital. Although he did recover from the worst of it, he has remained in poor health and even poorer spirit since. 

Then another friend spent several agonizing days waiting around at the hospital while her mother was doubling up in pain due to kidney stones. 

Several friends saw their parents pass in recent years. 

I called my mom up and urged her to take a vacation trip abroad this summer. My reasoning? Well, do everything you want to do NOW before it is too late. As usual, she gets the message, and immediately booked a trip to Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. She would have wanted to go to England except that there are no tours available until after the London Olympics.  So next year she plans to take a trip to England. In between, she will take some shorter trips. On most days, she does housework,  runs errands, exercises, sees friends, goes to concerts and movies and tutors math a few times a week. She said that she had never been happier in her life until now. 

Aging gracefully can only happen if one can avoid the disgraceful consequence of constant sickness. 

From Eugene Meyer to Woody Allen

The other day, I opened up one of my favorite books for a re-read – Katharine Graham's "Personal History". She came from a distinguished family. Her father Eugene Meyer was a prominent businessman before he went into public service.  

While he was searching for his way after college, he came upon a book "The Map of Life" by William Edward Hartpole Lecky that suggested that "a man's life should be planned as a single whole in which each stage would be a prologue to the stage that followed". He then mapped out such a plan for himself, with the first 20 years assigned to education the second 20 years allocated to growth and experimentation, during which he will earn a living and start a family. The third 20 years will be devoted to public service, with him retiring at age 60 to age gracefully and help young people. Eventually he did live largely according to plan, until the age of 83.

There is a reason why reading this part the first time over a decade ago did not leave any lasting impression – I was too busy to really pause and think. Now that I am thinking, I realize that perhaps we all should have such a plan. As people live longer now and education takes longer, perhaps we should divide up our life in 25-year chunks instead of 20-year chunks. My own formal schooling did not end until I was 28 years old, and that's an average age for anyone who wants an advanced degree, not to mention the additional training required if one wants to get into academia. Based on this plan, I have less than a decade left for this "growth and experimentation" phase of my life! 

Of course everyone has different goals, interests and priorities and therefore each person's "plan" is different. For example, Woody Allen is 76 years old and is still making funny and romantic movies. Obviously for a genius like him, to go into public service will be an utter waste of his talent, so I hope that he makes movies all the way to the end, which could be another 20 years from now! 

In a documentary film on him, he was asked by some European reporters whether his viewpoints on death had changed over the years (considering that he showcased through his characters an excessive fear of death). He deadpans, "no, it has not changed. I am still completely against it." 

He portrayed a retired music industry executive who equated retirement to death in his latest movie "To Rome With Love", and I suppose that to the delight of all of us die-hard Woody Allen fans, it means that he will never retire. In his life there will be only two phases – the first 20 years learning to be a comedian and film-maker, and the rest devoted to films. 

My Un-scientific Experiment

If I had any remaining doubt that health really is the most important thing in life, the past few weeks have certainly eliminated that residual doubt. I was starting to feel lucky that Winston was disease free for over a month and did not catch the hand foot and mouth disease that apparently found its way to his daycare center, when he started having a pink eye followed by a lingering cold. Soon afterwards, he ran into the desk in the office and got a huge laceration on his forehead. Just when I thought that it was time for his cold to go away, he came down with a high fever and was diagnosed with a bacterial infection. A week into his antibiotics regimen, he came down with another cold with a racking cough. Needless to say, I have been rendered almost schizophrenic. 

As a scientist by training, I started looking for answers to his getting sick more often than others.  And precisely because I have been a scientist by training, I know all too well how insufficient science has been to answer questions about disease, health and immunity. What works for some people may not work for others, and of course strictly controlled experiments can never be carried out. Even if they could, they become meaningless precisely because they are too controlled and don't reflect the real life situation. Suffice to say that I have decided to carry on some experiments with an effort to improve Winston's health.  For now I am going to switch Winston to a diary free diet – I will not be military about it but he will not be drinking 20 ounce of milk plus 2 or 3 yogurt cups any more. Also, I gave him Manuka honey for the past two days and miraculously his cold is improving at a much faster pace than usual. Of course I could be hallucinating due to wishful thinking. Still, I feel that I have some actions to take for the next month or so to see if my little boy will benefit from this latest uncontrolled experiment. 

What I have noticed about scientists in general is their near religious belief in science. The fact that science cannot answer many questions does not seem to instill doubt in their minds when they don't see a proof that a certain regimen could lead to health benefits for certain people. Now isn't that unscientific? If we don't understand something, it does not mean that it is not true. It simply means that it MAY not be true. Somehow many scientists forget about it, and forget about the fact that there are always exceptions to the rule as well. 

Traditional Chinese medicine is perhaps the closest thing to personalized medicine, and surely the field is messy. Have there been miracles? Yes. Has  there been disappointment? Yes. In the case of miracles, it is personalized medicine done at its best without the practitioner understanding the scientific basis. In the case of disappointment, it is the practitioner trying to over-apply something that has only worked for a few people. 

In the case of Winston, I don't care to find out any scientific basis. I just want to find out whatever that works for him. 

Typical Chinese Parents

I have observed a lot of Chinese parents whose mere presence makes everyone around them very unhappy. Their grown-up kids are almost without exception quite unhappy with them, while feeling guilty about having such feelings. I have been wondering, if one is unlucky enough to have such parents or marry into a family with such parents, what should one do?

A friend of mine suggested open discussion and serious dialogue. Communication is always my favored approach, except that it requires the other party to cooperate and participate, instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it", or simply a passive-aggressive face that shows that no communication would be useful. I guess the bottom line is that they are so set in their ways and so convinced that they are right that eventually everyone will give up talking with them. Of course when everyone gives up, they hear no more serious challenge and therefore naturally believe that it means that they must be right.

I look at my own mother, and try to figure out her secrets. She is from an older generation and of course she has different views and opinions about many things. She also has different habits. So what is it that she does that is different from the other Chinese parents?

In the end, I realize that it can be summed up in one word - perspective. Without having to read any books or learn from any guru, she has developed the wisdom of life, which is different from both street smart and book smart.

Most Chinese parents lack perspective in a way that makes them look comical:

- They are often super stingy and save every penny, even though their boring lives could really benefit from some periodic indulgences, which may actually get them in a better mood than the one they are frequently in when they launch into another complaint about their kids. My mom is very thrifty and never wastes money, but she never spends time worrying about cost if she's getting something that she wants, as long as she can afford it. She never goes around and around to look for the best deals as she prefers to spend her time doing much more fun things, or gets upset if she finds out that she has bought something that she could have bought at a much lower price. In summary, she is the boss of her money, instead of the slave as many Chinese parents are.

- They volunteer to help their kids with the grandchildren and then accuse the kids of being ungrateful whenever there is any friction or disagreement. Indeed, taking care of babies is a lot of work. I certainly know that myself. I would certainly say "no thank you" if someone tells me openly, "well, I would like to help you with housework and childcare. The condition is that I can do or say whatever I like, and I am in general very disagreeable." In fact, that's what a lot of Chinese parents should have said to their kids during the discussion on such topics. Instead, they say nothing up front, and feel indignant if their kids fight with them just because of a few toxic comments. My mom is very clear that she and I have different opinions and different habits, and therefore she is only willing to help me in the first few months after Winston's birth or when Winston was in transition between nannies and daycare. She is very clear that only when she's happy can she be of help to me. In other words, she is very clear about what I most need from her - her happiness first, followed by her help, as otherwise her help would just be toxic burden for me. That shows that she truly cares for me, in that she does not project onto me what I should need, but what I truly need. Since she's thoroughly enjoying her life right now in Beijing, I also feel happy because of her. That is why I wonder why other Chinese parents are not doing what my mom does (i.e. just live their own lives and be happy so that everyone else can be happier). Instead, they make themselves unhappy by supporting their kids with childcare or financial assistance, all the while feeling even more unhappy.

- They seem to care too much about what others think, but as a result have paradoxically become even more selfish. It is always about "face". They do a lot of things because "otherwise so and so will be unhappy", or "otherwise what would people think of us?" As a result, they are super demanding and appear utterly selfish. My mom is truly independent in that she lives in a way that's best for her, and her happiness has enabled her to be more generous and giving. She does not care if she is considered "abnormal" if she has no interest eating out with some people or joining a party. She does not care if she does not do something that everyone else does. She does not care if people think that a divorced mother of two must be miserable. She does not care if others think that she is not doing something correctly. These other Chinese parents seem to care more about what others think than their own happiness. As a result, they are usually so unhappy that they have no capacity for love, consideration or forgiveness for their own family - they are too busy trying to cover up all the terrible things that they don't want others to see, without knowing that no one else pays that much attention to them.

I am truly grateful for having such a mother myself. She has taught me with her own example the importance of perspective. Unfortunately, I see around myself many people who are the unintentional products of their Chinese parents. And as we all know, old habits die hard. 

An Exceptional Leader

In general, I try to steer away from writing about work or any work related topics. I work in the biotech industry, and I travel in the Chinese life science circle. There are many people in my circle who have done great things or led interesting lives. I don't write about them because I don't want to get my personal life and professional life mixed up.

In that case, my personal investment is a personal topic. Michael and I invest in the stock market. In a way, perhaps one would say that due to my working in life sciences and him in biomedical research, we should be better at investing in biotech stocks than others. But no - the one stock we have the biggest unrealized loss is a biotech company Dendreon that he has studied in excruciating details.


I recall making an argument to him that is very well-known in business. First of all, we really don't know much about each company. Second, even when we study it to death, there is a lot of risks that are not even known to the insiders. Lastly, in business we all know the importance of leadership, and if the leadership of a company has not been stellar, there is even more reason to doubt its potential. Eventually people make the company sink or float, and if the leadership does not project credibility, no science or technology will compensate for it in the market place.

There is only one stock that I have spent more money than others, although now I wish that I had spent all the money that Michael invested in Dendreon to buy it. It is Wuxi Apptec. Due to my work, I have got to know many players including Wuxi in the Chinese outsourcing industry. Wuxi is undoubtedly the leader of its field. Of course, as the overall pharmaceutical industry is going through a hard time, the contract research organizations in China are also facing challenges. Still, despite all the contractions, Wuxi has remained the only big biotech investment from which I have realized gains as well as paper gains.

I don't pride myself on my investment wisdom. I don't have any by comparison to others. But I do go by my own argument in investing in a company where the leadership is strong. Wuxi Apptec has been led from its very first day by an extraordinary leader, Dr. Ge Li. Throughout the past decade, he has steered the company through its rapid expansion and transformation, utterly changing concepts of what a CRO can do in the context of pharmaceutical discovery and development.

Lately, there is a press release from Wuxi on a former junior employee being found out on stealing some compounds from a client company. Yes, it is bad press. But I applaud their courage to put out a press release, take responsibility and not shy away from discussing it. After reading it, I wrote an email to Ge, and mentioned how the only biotech stock that has made me a lot of money is Wuxi and how I wish that I had bought more of it - yes, I was flattering him a little, but perhaps I was just secretly chastizing my own husband! He graciously wrote back, and being extremely perceptive as always, he said, "thank you, my friend. I guess you are writing this email to show support for me and the company." He went on to talk about how he always wants to do the right thing even if it's difficult. Then he asked me about my son Winston.

I told him that Winston is doing okay, and hopefully he will have an easy life as his nanny said that a baby born at night during sleep time is destined to relax a lot and not have to work hard. "Ha ha, I was born at night..." he quipped. He is legendary for working hard and sleeping only 4 hours every day. Being a bit facetious, I wrote back, "It does not prove that my nanny's prediction is wrong, although she's got only a high school degree and never studied science. It only means that you are an exception."

Indeed, in many more ways than one, he is an exception. A totally exceptional leader. 

Twenty Years After Watching "Dead Poets Society"

If I have to name one movie that has influenced how I view life, it is "Dead Poets Society". More than two decades later, I still remember it fondly, and I still endorse its message. In fact, if anything, I endorse it more than before, as I now understand the nuance of the message.

It is no wonder that the young actors of the movie have since remained close friends, and in many ways, lived lives that are based on the message of the movie. It is no wonder that they identified to some extent with the characters they played, as they were also around 20 years old, just as I was, when I first watched the film in Beijing, utterly transfixed by it.

The other day, it was on TV, and I happened to have caught parts of it. If over twenty years ago I took away from the movie an excessively zealous message of "living life to the fullest to do something extraordinary", I now can see that Mr. Keating also advocates for a balance of daring and caution, a time for risk-taking and a time to retreat. Most importantly, he did not advocate being different for the sake of difference, or challenging authority for the sake of it, or even creativity for the sake of creativity. It is indeed about living your life deliberately, in a way that makes you feel most happy and fulfilled. Twenty years ago, I did not realize that - I thought that it was all about doing something great and being someone great. It turned out that I could not have been more wrong. It is about listening to others while thinking for yourself; it is about taking road less traveled because that really will make you happier; it is about staying cautious when your judgment tells you that you cannot afford a certain risk.

Overall, I now understand the movie much better. It is not telling us to treat everyone whom we consider pedestrian as if they were embodiment of Neil Perry's father. It is not telling us to abandon a more traditional path to pursue something wild - after all, even Neil made sure to get all As while preparing for the play. It is not telling us that we should do whatever we like, irrespective of the impact on others. It is simply telling us to do what we believe, when the only thing holding us back is our self doubt or fear of judgment by invisible people with no vested interest in us.

Yes, we should seize the day, even when we are 40 years old. Interestingly enough, I think the message of "carpe diem" is even more relevant for 40-year olds than 20-year olds.