Nanny Issues

There is a reason why I have not written anything for so long. The live-in nanny I had for 7 months left all of a sudden, presumably because her husband’s niece is gravely sick. I say “presumably” not out of heartlessness, but because I have heard from many people experienced with Chinese nannies that it’s a very typical way for Chinese nannies to quit a position when they have found another job. In my nanny’s case, I am not sure if she really has returned to Chengdu or if she is currently working for another family somewhere in South Bay – she said that her husband will start working as a chef in a Chinese restaurant in Milpitas, and I would assume that she would want to work in an area close to Milpitas. And lastly, I could not help wondering if I was perhaps too demanding for her – she came with great references, and perhaps was used to constant praises. I was telling a friend that while I am completely capable of delegating at work, when it comes to my only son (I call him “my heart and liver” in Chinese, which is a standard phrase mothers use in China to describe a child, and often an only child), I find myself indeed a bit too demanding and even micromanaging. Once I had a short testy exchange with the nanny, and she got upset. I quickly apologized, and she softened. She then said that she really admired me. I asked her why, thinking that perhaps she was going to talk about my “career woman” personality. She said, “I have worked for 5 or 6 families, taking care of babies. But you are by far the most conscientious and most caring when it comes to the child. No one else comes even close.” - I thought about her comment, and that made me realize that I have come too close to being a perfectionist regarding Winston.

Having read “The Pursuit of Perfect” by Tal Ben-Shahar (well, I should say that I am still reading it as I am only half way through), I know that a perfectionist tendency often leads to results that are further from perfection than if one takes a “good-enough” approach to things. I also do worry about the impact of my perfectionist tendency on Winston, as little kids are so impressionable and they absorb their surroundings in ways beyond the comprehension of us adults.

In any case, the nanny left at the end of May, and I scrambled to look for a replacement. One Cantonese nanny showed up, who had a very good reference. She lasted for four days, and that might have been too long. Winston would start running away the minute he saw her. She lied constantly, and she was dour and grouchy about everything. She complained about my previous nanny being too dirty and messy – true, my previous nanny was not as clean and tidy as I would have liked. She complained several times about the vegetables and fruits I had in the house. She claimed that celery and chicken together was poisonous and very few people knew that. She kept telling me how she forgot her calcium pills, which led me to finally realize that she’s implying that I ought to buy her a bottle of calcium supplements. She kept telling me how inept her previous employers were when it came to their own babies, as they relied on her for everything with the baby. She kept reminding me that her previous employers never asked her to do any cleaning, because the baby was the “top priority”. - well, in her case, I had to tell her to cook and clean, as Winston refused to be in her presence and she made no effort to even talk to him! In the end, she cheated us of some money, but that was nothing compared to the four days of trauma poor winston went through. From this experience, I realized how competent my previous nanny was!

Somewhat frustrated by the nanny searching experience, I decided to take a break from it. I bought a last-minute ticket for my mom to come over for a month and a half, during which time I would slowly and carefully screen and try out nannies. Therefore the past 2-3 weeks have been hectic for me, as I juggle childcare and housework, while getting ready to do some consulting work for a startup company. I used to tell friends that I never mind work, but even I start wondering if I am getting old, as I find it exhausting to be working nonstop from morning till night.

My friend David asked me if I was going to throw a party for Winston for his first birthday, and I told him that I really had no time for it. He then decided that he and his wife Ann will do this party at their house for Winston. The party was held on Saturday, June 19, a few days after Winston’s real birthday, and it was so much fun. I think I perhaps had even more fun than Winston, because it was the first time in a very long time that I had been to a party drinking wine and conversing with adults. Winston was walking all over David’s yard, picking David’s flowers and examining everything he found intriguing, especially the wood chips in the flower beds. In the middle of the party, Michael had to go to a housing office appointment at Stanford, as it was our chance to pick a house from the newly developed Olmstead Terrace (http://olmstedterrace.stanford.edu/the_homes/traditional_2.php) on Stanford campus. - I searched for a house to buy for over 2 months, only to realize that we could not afford anything I like, except for perhaps Stanford-owned houses. Hopefully we will move into the new house in August and afterwards Winston can start absorbing the Stanford environment – I hope that he will attend Stanford in the future!

When I was talking to a VC about why I had not pushed hard for the next startup company, he said, “oh I completely understand. I can’t imagine if our live-in nanny suddenly left. Life would have stopped. Sometimes they are even more important than the husbands!”

Well, I still have not found a replacement nanny yet. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I just hope that the worst and most hectic period is over by now.