Maybe people who enjoy great health have the least tolerance for any minor illness. I don't have any allergies - just a minor cold would knock me out because of th stuffy nose. I don't have any headaches or other minor illnesses. That is why I almost stop functioning when I have a canker sore.
Interestingly, I distinctively remember the last time I had a canker sore. It was back in 2000 around Christmas time. It was so painful that I saw two different doctors. All the people at work knew about it because I would tell everyone. This time, I also went to see a doctor after reading online, only to get scared about all kinds of possibilities such as salivary gland stones, oral cancer or whatever. Of course the doctor said that I did not have cancer, and refused to give me any antibiotics either, since she said that it was just a canker sore that required no antibiotics or antiviral medication. She said that I must have bitten myself in my sleep. "But I have a headache!" - I reminded her, as I really do have a headache associated with this canker sore. So maybe it is not a canker sore but rather something more serious? She dismissed me and prescribed some cream with steroid to help with the inflammation.
When I am just suffering from a canker sore, I can particularly appreciate good health, which obviously I take for granted completely. The other day, I had lunch with a friend at the Genentech cafeteria, and I commented that it was such a big waste of resources to label each dish with the number of calories. If they had not done that, perhaps the dishes would be cheaper. Besides, everyone can tell roughly whether something carries more fat and calories than other food. My friend protested, "that is because you have no idea what it is like to try to lose weight. It is really hard, and without counting it is impossible." I shut up afterwards. Indeed what perhaps comes easy to us or what we take for granted are rather difficult or unapproachable by others. Therefore, we should never take any good fortune for granted, as if we ourselves are the sole reason for earning them, be it health, youth, success, kids, family, love, friendship, etc. We are just lucky.
To be alive is to be lucky. To be alive and healthy is particularly lucky. I definitely don't want to go through life only to look back and regret that I have not noticed a lot of things. I recall a brief conversation I had with my friend Ying, in that we talked about why both of us wanted to pursue something academic. She crystallized the origin, "It is perhaps the only way for one to feel some kind of immortality, in that your work outlives you and can still have an impact." In other words, there is a sense of legacy.
I recall that the Chinese architect and poet Lin Huiyin mentioned that life was just meant to experience. She wanted to experience everything, and so in a way she did. When the Japanese invaded China, like other scholars, she and her family fled west. Her son later asked her what she would do if the Japanese got to where she lived, she said, "well, there is always a way out for Chinese scholars (meaning suicide)." Her son was shocked and perhaps felt a bit neglected, "well, what about us then?" She smiled and said, "well, I would not be able to do much about you in that case." While she was a stunning beauty as well as an extraordinarily talented and creative poet, she was also a very serious scholar and architect. Her son and daughter later talked about their mother being very different from how she was perceived by others. They remembered her as being constantly sick (she had tuberculosis which flared up on and off until he death from it at the age of 51), as well as often cranky largely due to her sickness. John Fairbanks and his wife Wilma Fairbanks were best friends with her and her husband Liang Sicheng. Wilma Fairbanks wrote a book "Liang and Lin".
Sometimes when I think about my career change, I wonder about my wish to have some kind of "legacy" with what I do, which partly defines me. Now that I have Winston, like other parents, I have a legacy in my son. But I can't live vicariously through him, and neither will he want me to when he grows up. My identity beyond being Winston's mother has to extend beyond that legacy. Business by definition is impermanent, transient and fickle. I will have to think about it...
No comments:
Post a Comment