Lessons Learned

Since my son's diagnosis with high-functioning autism, I have been thinking non-stop about what I could have done differently, and of course, what I should do differently going forward. It's been over a year now. People say that hindsight is often 100%, and it's true.

I know quite a few successful people being very open about their kids' issues, and in turn, they make the most heroic effort, leaving no regrets behind on helping their kids. That's one thing I learned - looking for excuses to refute the diagnosis only could be harmful to the kids. It's often insecurity and vanity rather than love for the kids that leads to the denial. 

Of course, the excuse made is often along the lines of "making the kid feel that he's normal". This cop-out never works in real life, in that only when we help the kids become normal can they truly feel normal in the society. We hear often that some parents get defiant when the teachers complain about their kids making trouble, as if they were protecting their kids. In reality, they are hurting their kids terribly by not helping them to grow, develop, mature and gain the tools and skills to function well in the society. 

In my life, any time I looked for an easy way out, I always ended up having regrets. You reap what you sow. Excellence happens when everyone else has given up or it seems that everything has been tried - that applies to work, but I think it applies to raising a kid even more. For a while, I thought that I had done enough for signing up my son for lessons and therapy, and I told myself, "okay that must be good enough." As a result, I was heartbroken and shocked when I saw some regression. Then after talking to specialists and reading about what other parents do, I realize that nothing short of constant vigilance with the goal of nipping everything in the bud is enough. No wonder - I fell short. 

Raising a kid is the most humbling thing I have done in my life, and will no doubt continue to be. 

The Extra Mile

Today I read an article on autism. In the article, Karen Siff Exkorn alked about her son recovering from autism. Apparently, the boy was fine until he was 17 months, and suddenly he displayed almost all symptoms of autism, to the point of losing all speech by age 2. The parents went into full-blown action and engaged a team of therapists and became adept at  therapy themselves, and taught their babysitter. Essentially the son was at home engaged in 24/7 therapy. By the age of 4, he was all recovered. http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/news/20130115/autism-recovery-possible?page=2

This reminded me of the book that Jon Stewart heavily promoted on his show, a book written by an autistic boy named Naoki Higashida "The Reason I Jump". Naoki's autism is actually on the severe side, but his mother and his clinician went absolutely beyond the call of duty and figured out a key to "unlock" Naoki. As a result, he could write a book, explaining autism in a way that's totally insightful. 

Often, I hear about parents resisting a diagnosis of a kid, presumably in the name of protecting the kid. However, now that I think about it, resisting a diagnosis often is the result of the parents' vanity, as if the labeling of the kid is somehow a reflection on themselves. The wishful thinking that the kid will outgrow is in actuality avoiding having to do much work or making any investment. After all, if we simply say "oh he will be fine", we are absolved of any responsibility. When the kid does not turn out to be fine, they can also say, "oh well, I have done my best by getting him therapy." What Naoki's mother and Karen Siff Exkorn did was to not shun responsibility and leave it to others to address their sons' issues, but to do the real hard work and go the extra mile. I bet that their kids would have been in much worse shape had they simply "done their best by engaging the therapist and be done with it".

We often read about troubled kids making dramatic progress when a teacher "unlocked" their potential, or when somehow a hidden issue was addressed. I can't help but think that Helen Keller would have stayed the same monstrous kid without any ability to speak or write, if Anne Sullivan had not shown up. In fact, she could have had a very diligent tutor who "did her very best" and still ended up far short of what she became. 

The difference is all about the "extra mile". It is the extra mile that is the hardest – harder than all the previous miles combined. But the extra mile is what delivers results, and sometimes miracles in the cases of Naoki Higashida and Helen Keller. Real love is the willingness to run the extra mile. 

The Kennedys

President John F. Kennedy was assassinated 50 years ago on November 22, 1963. Since then, his brother Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated, a few of his nephews died in various accidents, and his only son died when the plane he piloted went down in a bad storm over Martha's Vineyard. The Kennedys have fascinated people as if they were royalty, and no other political family has come close to projecting the same public allure. 

The other day I watched a documentary film on the Kennedys. While it did not provide any unique insights, it reminded me of two things that characterize the Kennedys. One is the emphasis they placed on the "family" with near Mafia-like fervor, a la "Godfather". And the other is their relentless drive for excellence and victory – "win or lose, the Kennedys don't cry, and of course, a Kennedy never loses." 

Even today there are conspiracy theories around why there seems to be a "Kennedy curse", as the number of unnatural deaths seems astonishingly high in this family. When I think about it, I realize that the explanation may be rather simple. The Kennedys were taught to stop at nothing to achieve what they wanted, and to fear nothing even if their pursuits posed high risks. They were taught to live life to the fullest as if there were no tomorrow. Maybe in a way, they lived under the motto crystallized by the Jazz Age poet Edna St. Vincent Millay: 

"My candle burns at both ends

It will not last the night

But ah, my foes and oh, my friends -

It gives a lovely light" 

The lovely light of the lives of the Kennedys continues to shine even today, 50 years after the death of President Kennedy, and I am sure that it will continue to fascinate future generations. 

There is No Short Cut.

"There is really no short cut." - I often hear people say. 

Usually, they refer to work. There are of course camps of people who advocate "working smarter". However, at the end of the day, there is no substitute for time and effort. It's not just time, and it's not just effort, but rather a combination of laser-sharp focus over an extended period of time with enormous effort. 

When it comes to raising kids, "there is really no short cut" but continuous effort with a focus on shifting strategy and tactics at the first sign of trouble. That's true for all kids. In fact, in the case of raising kids, what applies to work applies here even more. As Clayton Christensen mentioned in his latest book, if we say that kids/family are most important to us, it should take the most time and effort from us by comparison to other endeavors. If not, it is no wonder things may go wrong. 

A life science venture capitalist has decided to quit from her firm to focus on her son with autism, as she found out that nothing short of focused effort would be good enough. A team of nannies, therapists, and tutors will not substitute, just as a company can't run without constant/real leadership at the top. True – with competent people in designated tasks, it will go on for a while. But sooner or later, problems will arise in this vacuum of leadership, and troubles will multiply exponentially even at an initially healthy company. 

The analogy can be made of taking care of a kid. Even if it's a perfectly fine model kid, "cruising along" would likely result in problems that accumulate to the point of exploding in unimaginable dimensions one day. It might seem sudden, but in actuality, no problem emerges overnight. They all accumulate and grow quietly until they become deafening one day. Therefore, if there is no continuous effort to nip everything in the bud, as a leader should do in directing the efforts of people around, it's just a matter of time before things disintegrate. 

If it's a kid with issues, it's even more imperative for parents to guide strategy, change direction, address crises, manage efforts and correct mistakes, even with access to a team of specialists  and helpers around. The specialists and helpers are there to follow and execute, but they must have someone to follow, who assumes the ultimate responsibility. And lastly, people are only willing to follow people who are in the trenches together working day and night, as opposed to those who just show up for the pictures. 

The Cost of Brilliance

Whenever we read about someone with vision and brilliance, it is a good idea to read more. I have heard someone say that we all want heroes, but we don't want to have them in our families. 

Justine Musk, the ex-wife of Elon Musk and a writer, wrote an article in Marie Claire a while ago about her relationship with Elon Musk. http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/millionaire-starter-wife

While each story has two sides, it is also often easy to spot certain truths from just one side, simply because there is just no other explanation. Indeed, if Musk could tackle multiple industries at once, he must have been obsessed with work as opposed to helping his wife recover from the loss of their first-born son. Indeed, if Musk could plow ahead with his ideas when few people agreed with him, he must have also ignored any different ideas from his wife, dismissed any criticism from her, or pushed her aside when she stood in the way of him having epiphany moments for work. Everyone's most prized asset is also often everyone's worst enemy and Archilles' heel. It is practically impossible to be decisive and impervious to criticism at work, while being a good listener at home. For one thing, there is just no time to listen. 

In the book "Steve Jobs", the writer correctly gave Laurene Jobs credit, as "behind every great man stands a woman". She stood behind him until the very end, when the same conviction that allowed him to go against conventional wisdom also let him go against medical advice, in the end killing himself prematurely. Musk will certainly not give credit to Justine for standing behind him at any cost, because she in the end could not do it any more. 

Yes, we all like to admire someone in the distance who has vision and brilliance. But none of us wants to incur the cost of brilliance. 

The Value of Ideas

I read with great interest the Fortune magazine article "The Shared Genius of Elon Musk and Steve Jobs". http://money.cnn.com/2013/11/21/leadership/steve-jobs-elon-musk.pr.fortune/

Of the many insights offered by the author, I particularly like his analysis on the two traits that these two men share in common - system–level design thinking and extraordinary conviction. He pointed out immediately that Jobs and Musk were not inventors in the typical sense of the word, as numerous other people made the key technical contributions. But what they did was  to "imagine the broader ecosystems in which those products could become transformative". 

In order to do that, they both possess "an intimate understanding not just of the technology but of what would be necessary in design, logistics, and the business model to launch those products and make them truly compelling to potential customers". 

This reminded me of a discussion I recently had on the value of "ideas". Are ideas cheap or expensive? Indeed, if it's just a technical innovation on its own, or a simple idea (such as the concept of social networking), it does not stand out as particularly valuable. But if one has the vision to see where it's most applicable, how to make it really powerful, who it can appeal to, and what impact it would make in a broad sense, and most importantly, follows through with meticulous and relentless execution, it will shine as a brilliant idea. Frankly, by that time, it's no longer an idea, but rather a complete story. The comparison is like reading the synopsis of "Anna Karenina" versus reading the masterpiece by Tolstoy.

The Third Combination

Today a friend of mine alerted me to a Vogue article on the neuroscientist Cori Bargmann, and a few of us had a discussion on how often women have no choice but to make silent sacrifices. http://www.liebertpub.com/mcontent/files/October_2013_Vogue1.pdf

In the article, when asked, Bargmann said that given the choices of a scientific life, a personal life and a family life, one could only have two out of the three, but not all three. She observed that it's true for men as well. 

When I thought about it, I think her observations are mostly correct, with one exception. It's possible for men to have any one of the three combinations, but women can only have two out of the three combinations. Hence the never-ending discussions, articles and books written on related topics. 

It's possible for women to have a thriving/satisfying career that is absolutely not compromised and a personal life. Maybe the personal life will not be as extravagant as that of Dr. Bargmann's, which includes operas and ballet every other week, fine dining every night and designer clothes plus many other luxuries. Nevertheless, it's possible to have both a career and a personal life to the maximum for a woman. It is of course also possible to have a family life and a personal life for a woman, whether or not she works full time or partime.  The key is to not treat her "job" as a career, but rather a job. A friend succinctly put it, "You just have to be willing to say who cares every time you are skipped over for promotion, when others advance while you are on maternity leave or taking care of kids."  I know plenty of women who raise kids nearly perfectly (even if their kids may not be perfect or even have serious issues to start with, the way they raise the kids is surely near perfect), and maintain a very lively personal life, complete with hobbies, parties, friends and interior decorating. 

But it's not possible, as Dr. Bargmann thinks, for a woman to have both a real career to the fullest extent of her abilities and a family life where she's happy. Obviously, she thinks so because there are examples out there in the public domain, such as Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer. However, as one of my friends observed, "maybe these women don’t' care if the kids are raised by nannies, or have issues or develop issues." And of course, vast majority of women don't have access to the resources available to them to enable such ambitious careers. 

It is, however, possible for men to have all three of the combinations, including career plus family, even if they don't have access to extravagant resources. I think it's largely because the expectations for a man to have a "family life" often implies spending a few evenings a week at home. Therefore, while family life with kids on its own may be net taxing for a woman, it could be net nourishment for a man, whose wife usually has chosen (either voluntarily or involuntarily) to put family life first. When women did not put family life first, as perhaps Anne-Marie Slaughter did not when her kids were younger, they were forced to pay the price later. And to be clear, Ann-Marie Slaughter's husband presumably took up most of the burden while she was busy with work for years. We don't hear that Jeffrey Immelt realized after many years as CEO of GE that he should not have neglected his daughter. These men have wives who put family life first, without negotiation. In summary, when there are kids in the family, someone has to put the family life first. When family life is put first, how can one compete on careers with others who put careers first? If Dr. Bargmann had a frustrating day at work (as she claims correctly that research often is frustrating), she would go on to a metropolitan opera to rejuvenate. The worst that could happen is that she might have to skip opera and ballet a few times because of deadlines. But that kind of sacrifice is totally manageable. However, if after receiving rejections of a paper she submitted and after a frustrating day at work, she went home to discover her kids with issues that are even more challenging than research, where would she get the rejuvenation? For men, often the assumption is that the kids' mothers would be there to do all the worry. But women can't leave it to others, because there are often no others who would care more. 

When women choose a career plus family as the combination, thinking (erroneously) that they could do both very well, they will be disappointed in either the career or how they are raising their kids, or perhaps both. Both are taxing, and require sacrifices, and the situation is exacerbated if it's a challenging and competitive career field, or the kids have issues. 

As a result, kudos to the enlightened men who are secure and selfless enough to put family first and determine to be the best fathers more than anything else! That's the only time when their wives are truly given the choice of the third combination – career and family life. 

Quote of the Day

I like this quote: "Mediocrity sees nothing above itself, where talent immediately recognizes genius."

Mothers

The people with whom I interact at work these days are mostly very successful in what they do. There are a lot of mothers. What I have noticed about them is that they all share this drive to do the very best for their kids. 

Sometimes I get very frustrated to hear others say, "oh you don't have to do this or that for your son." And I get upset if I hear people say, "you are doing all this for Winston because you worry too much", when it's the lack of effort that worries me as opposed to effort. 

Like the other mothers I meet these days at my new work place, I feel great when I have made the best effort for my son. I then can focus on other things in life, and can almost feel carefree - almost, as I would be the No.1 liar mother in the world to say that I don't worry about my son. 

Once at a party, I was told, "to say a mother worry too much is like calling a ball round. I have not seen any good mothers who don't worry about their kids. I am almost 50, and my mother still worries me, and her vigilance has saved me from bad situations that no one else was even aware of. All great mothers have the instinct to go against the world if necessary to do the best for their kids. Often the world is just a tad behind the intuition of great mothers." 

What We Live For

The other day, I suddenly remembered what a friend told me. She said that she heard the following from one of President Obama's speeches, "it's only after I had kids that I realized that everything we do is for them." - or something to that effect. 

At the time, I did not have any particularly strong feelings. In fact, there were many things that I heard before that did not strike me as hard as they do today. The entire world including me was shocked and dismayed  read about the Chinese dairy processors adding melamine to their products. Now, I simply can't bring myself to even remember that incident, as it will feel personally traumatic. 

Indeed, as President Obama astutely observed, what we do will lose all its meaning were it not for the next generation, and the ones after next. 

Working Women

I had lunch with some friends today, all of them working women. Among the four us, for college degrees, we have two from Harvard, one from Caltech, and one from Peking University – supposedly the Harvard of China; for Ph.D. Degrees, two are from Berkeley, one is from MIT and one from Stanford. What did we discuss vigorously for almost two hours? We spent 95% of the time discussing our respective issues, concerns and frustrations with kids, with the rest of time on our observations or wishful thinking regarding the husbands. At the end of the discussion, one of them said, "now kids occupy at least half of my brain. I guess men don't have such discussions. " The other said, "it's not that they don't care. But they really don't care at the same level." 

It reminded me of a blog forwarded to me by a friend at Google, which apparently is widely read at Google - http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2012/09/14/how-to-plan-a-career-in-your-20s-to-stay-home-with-kids-in-your-30s/. According to a latest survey, 84% of working women would prefer to stay home if they can afford it. Then the author went into a discussion on which Myers Briggs personality types would prefer not to stay home, while singling out ENFJ as the type that has the hardest time with both career and kids, because they want to do well at work like men, and raise kids as well as devoted housewives. 

Come to think of it, the phenomenon of working women is just a few decades old. No wonder there is so much discussion on-line and off-line on topics related to working women with family. It is a modern challenge. 

Movies and Actresses

I saw the movie "J. Edgar" yesterday. Since it's a Clint Eastwood movie, naturally it has a message to deliver for our times. And the message is obvious. Clint Eastwood must be a die-hard Democrat. 

Leonardo DiCaprio was phenomenal. He's come a long way from being the hearthrob in "Titanic" to a very unattractive middle-aged J. Edgar Hoover in "J. Edgar". Naomi Watts and Judi Dench played his secretary and his mother, respectively, which made me wonder - are American actresses so bad at speaking American English that they have to hire Australian and British actresses to fake an American accent? 

Indeed, when I think about it, while there have been phenomenal American actors, most of the impressive actresses (in my opinion) are not American – Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, Kiera Knightley, etc. The one exception is Meryl Streep. The other day, I happened to have caught a glimpse of her in "Sophie's Choice" - it was so heart-breaking that I had to turn it off. I have never been able to watch that movie in completion, because it's made to feel too real. 

What other movies did I see recently? - The new version of "Jane Eyre" which I found incredibly boring. I think it's time people stop remaking "Jane Eyre" or "Pride and Prejudice". 

Playdates For Winston?

I have often been a delinquent mother for Winston. My delinquency manifests itself in many ways. I did not want to go through an extended struggle with his potty training, so I waited until the last possible minute to train him, making him the oldest kid in his class. Even now, he has to poop standing up, which means that he will let me know that he wants to poop, and I will put on a diaper on him so that he can poop. I have not trained him to eat all kinds of vegetables and meat, which means that his diet is still very narrow in scope, which perhaps contributes to his periodic constipation. I have not taught him anything since hiring a part-time nanny who takes him out after dinner every day to the nearby elementary school, where for all I know he could just be walking around doing nothing while the nanny chats on the phone. 

But I have certainly been good at arranging playdates for him. I have a playdate almost every weekend arranged for him. It's often with friends of mine who happen to have kids of similar age. Today we had another one. The kids did not really play together that much. Winston certainly did not play with anyone, but he was happy to be around a lot of people. The other kids did play together at times. I then made the observation that I perhaps arranged these playdates for myself really – so that I could have a chance to chat with my friends when the kids are presumably socializing. I do pay constant attention to Winston, but I also have fun chatting with friends. There is a reason why I have never scheduled any playdates with Winston's classmates – it would then be entirely for Winston. 

Of course, I then tell myself that Winston already spends 5 days a week with these classmates, in which case there is more reason for him to be exposed to other kids and other adults on the weekends! 

There is no limit to how much human beings can rationalize behaviors and choices in the best way imaginable. That is human nature. 

The London Olympics

This year has been very low-key and melancholy. For one thing, the Olympics came and went, and I can hardly remember what happened.  But wait a second – that is the Olympics that happens only once every four years!!!

I did not watch either the opening or the closing ceremonies. Presumably they were fine but not earth-shattering. It was okay to miss them. While Michael Phelps astonished the world at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, no one did at the London games. Sure, Michael Phelps added to his gold medal  count and became the person with the most Olympic gold medals in history. But somehow no one was impressed with him. In fact, if he had repeated another eight gold medals, people would not have been terribly impressed, let alone falling short of that goal. 

So what do I remember about the London Olympics? I remember some interesting gymnastic moves. Oh, Winston got a fake gold medal at school, and I asked him, "is that your gold medal?" He naturally said, "yes." I asked him, "Is that for team competition or individual all-around." "Individual all-around." I tried to suppress my laughs and continued my questioning, "is that for diving or gymnastics?" "Gymnastics." His way of answering a question with choices is to choose the latter one, as presumably it's easier for him to remember the pronunciation. 

Finally, I asked him, "is it from the world championship or the Olympics?" Of course, he said, "Olympics." 

So that's what I remember best about the London Olympics. 

A Weekend Near Santa Barbara

In my effort to keep up a record of life in general, I have been terribly delinquent. Indeed as one of my friends wisely said regarding a life with young kids, "the days are long but the years are short." Suddenly, Winston is transitioning into the next class at his daycare center, and the summer of 2012 is almost over. 

We took a weekend trip to a resort ranch near Santa Barbara, mostly to meet up with friends who also have kids. We left the day after Winston was seen by a pediatrician for a 3-day long fever that just would not go away. I was rendered distraught again (you would think that after so many illnesses of Winston's I would be emotionally immune but I am not). Still, we decided to go since there was not anything else we could do for him except for to watch over him carefully. He was holding onto this purple blanket the whole time so he was fairly content. He took a short nap in the car and was generally quiet, perhaps due to lack of energy. The resort ranch provided food, and therefore it was one of those destinations meant for really lazy people. There was no cell phone coverage where the ranch is, but when we drove to nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang certainly we could access email and cell phone.  The rooms and cabins were modest and sufficient but nothing fancy. The two friends who joined us there from San Diego were really fun-loving. One has an 8-year old boy whose appetite is nothing short of a miracle, with his energy level even more so. The other has a 7-year old girl who adored Winston and insisted that he's her favorite boy. When asked if she wanted a baby sister or brother, she said that she wanted a baby brother just like Winston. Fortunately for her, her mother is expecting a baby boy.

There was not much to do there. The older kids went horseback riding. There is a swimming pool, and nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang are fine places to visit perhaps once in one's life time. Excitement would not be the right word for this place, but I had loads of fun. We ate the delicious home-made food at the dining hall with friends, and we played cards late into the night while the kids were asleep. 

Winston kind of just roamed around. He's too young for horseback riding, and he's not interested in learning to swim. He still has this unhealthy fascination with doors, but he's also talking to people which was lovely. Sometimes when I look at him, I am amazed by how utterly oblivious he is to the fact that he's just divinely funny and cute. 

Marissa Mayer vs. Anne-Marie Slaughter

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article in the Atlantic "Why Women Still Can't Have it All" unleashed a lot of debates. She's certainly been very successful in her line of work, and she sensibly advocates for policy change to accommodate the challenge of motherhood. But  she also makes it clear that perhaps there is no real substitute for a mother at certain points of a kid's life. With some kids, it may be at the infant stage if the kid is premature or has some health issues. With others, it may be during the difficult teenage years as in Anne-Marie Slaughter's case. Those who completely outsource their kids to others or simply delegate them to grandparents sometimes have great luck in which case their delegates do a great job of raising the kids, as in the case of Katharine Graham's own parents. Well, let me qualify that statement by saying that Katharine Graham has turned out phenomenal, with her own siblings having various issues in their lives with their parents. But more often than not, these parents find themselves regretting later in life when the kids practically tell them that it's their fault not to have been there. 

Almost soon afterwards, we read about the high-profile appointment of Marissa Mayer as CEO of Yahoo!. Her first baby is due this October, and she made a point of telling the public that she will hardly take any time off and work through the maternity leave. That of course has elicited a lot of discussion, with some criticizing her for sending the wrong message, some applauding her courage, and still others wondering if she knows what she is going through. 

As for myself, I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about Marissa Mayer's message. On the one hand, it is totally her own business how much time she wants to take off after giving birth, and surely she can afford the world's best nannies and housekeepers to do a much better job than she can in terms of childcare and housework. On the other hand, I feel slightly frustrated. 

I feel frustrated because sometimes I find myself compared to women who are struggling with a full-time job while taking care of two kids mostly by themselves, with hardly any hired help. Of course these women never think of comparing themselves to Marissa Mayer, because they know that they will never be promoted as fast as their male colleagues whose wives are also taking a slow pace at work. 

But I also feel frustrated because most other times I find myself compared (subconsciously or by lectures from others) to successful women like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, who of course are utterly amazing in their careers and have made it before they encounter motherhood. It would seem that I should be able to leave my son behind for extended period of time without worrying, but my nanny got paid a fraction of the super nannies of the rich, who presumably are not only incredibly experienced but also willing to go beyond the call of the duty if for no other reason but the ridiculously high salary. And by the way, my nanny got paid even a little higher than the average. But the key word is "average". 

Therefore, I have to say that Anne-Marie Slaughter does send the right message in her article in that she makes it clear that it is not a good idea to compare point by point what a super successful woman can do with her family after she's become super successful.  The fact that Marissa Mayer will plan to take very little time off is amazing, but the amazing part is due to her making it to the top of the corporate echelon. That is not something that anyone can accomplish. As she can afford the world's best team of nannies, nurses, tutors, child psychologists and housekeepers, perhaps the first few years of her kid's life should turn out better than most without her being around as much. In fact, these early advantages may prevent the troubles that Anne-Marie Slaughter's kids went through in their teenage years. After all, when her kids were little, she was working perhaps as hard as Marissa Mayer, but without the millions to afford a world-class professional team for the kids. 

Aging Gracefully

A while ago, a friend told me that her father was in critical condition at the hospital. Although he did recover from the worst of it, he has remained in poor health and even poorer spirit since. 

Then another friend spent several agonizing days waiting around at the hospital while her mother was doubling up in pain due to kidney stones. 

Several friends saw their parents pass in recent years. 

I called my mom up and urged her to take a vacation trip abroad this summer. My reasoning? Well, do everything you want to do NOW before it is too late. As usual, she gets the message, and immediately booked a trip to Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. She would have wanted to go to England except that there are no tours available until after the London Olympics.  So next year she plans to take a trip to England. In between, she will take some shorter trips. On most days, she does housework,  runs errands, exercises, sees friends, goes to concerts and movies and tutors math a few times a week. She said that she had never been happier in her life until now. 

Aging gracefully can only happen if one can avoid the disgraceful consequence of constant sickness. 

From Eugene Meyer to Woody Allen

The other day, I opened up one of my favorite books for a re-read – Katharine Graham's "Personal History". She came from a distinguished family. Her father Eugene Meyer was a prominent businessman before he went into public service.  

While he was searching for his way after college, he came upon a book "The Map of Life" by William Edward Hartpole Lecky that suggested that "a man's life should be planned as a single whole in which each stage would be a prologue to the stage that followed". He then mapped out such a plan for himself, with the first 20 years assigned to education the second 20 years allocated to growth and experimentation, during which he will earn a living and start a family. The third 20 years will be devoted to public service, with him retiring at age 60 to age gracefully and help young people. Eventually he did live largely according to plan, until the age of 83.

There is a reason why reading this part the first time over a decade ago did not leave any lasting impression – I was too busy to really pause and think. Now that I am thinking, I realize that perhaps we all should have such a plan. As people live longer now and education takes longer, perhaps we should divide up our life in 25-year chunks instead of 20-year chunks. My own formal schooling did not end until I was 28 years old, and that's an average age for anyone who wants an advanced degree, not to mention the additional training required if one wants to get into academia. Based on this plan, I have less than a decade left for this "growth and experimentation" phase of my life! 

Of course everyone has different goals, interests and priorities and therefore each person's "plan" is different. For example, Woody Allen is 76 years old and is still making funny and romantic movies. Obviously for a genius like him, to go into public service will be an utter waste of his talent, so I hope that he makes movies all the way to the end, which could be another 20 years from now! 

In a documentary film on him, he was asked by some European reporters whether his viewpoints on death had changed over the years (considering that he showcased through his characters an excessive fear of death). He deadpans, "no, it has not changed. I am still completely against it." 

He portrayed a retired music industry executive who equated retirement to death in his latest movie "To Rome With Love", and I suppose that to the delight of all of us die-hard Woody Allen fans, it means that he will never retire. In his life there will be only two phases – the first 20 years learning to be a comedian and film-maker, and the rest devoted to films. 

My Un-scientific Experiment

If I had any remaining doubt that health really is the most important thing in life, the past few weeks have certainly eliminated that residual doubt. I was starting to feel lucky that Winston was disease free for over a month and did not catch the hand foot and mouth disease that apparently found its way to his daycare center, when he started having a pink eye followed by a lingering cold. Soon afterwards, he ran into the desk in the office and got a huge laceration on his forehead. Just when I thought that it was time for his cold to go away, he came down with a high fever and was diagnosed with a bacterial infection. A week into his antibiotics regimen, he came down with another cold with a racking cough. Needless to say, I have been rendered almost schizophrenic. 

As a scientist by training, I started looking for answers to his getting sick more often than others.  And precisely because I have been a scientist by training, I know all too well how insufficient science has been to answer questions about disease, health and immunity. What works for some people may not work for others, and of course strictly controlled experiments can never be carried out. Even if they could, they become meaningless precisely because they are too controlled and don't reflect the real life situation. Suffice to say that I have decided to carry on some experiments with an effort to improve Winston's health.  For now I am going to switch Winston to a diary free diet – I will not be military about it but he will not be drinking 20 ounce of milk plus 2 or 3 yogurt cups any more. Also, I gave him Manuka honey for the past two days and miraculously his cold is improving at a much faster pace than usual. Of course I could be hallucinating due to wishful thinking. Still, I feel that I have some actions to take for the next month or so to see if my little boy will benefit from this latest uncontrolled experiment. 

What I have noticed about scientists in general is their near religious belief in science. The fact that science cannot answer many questions does not seem to instill doubt in their minds when they don't see a proof that a certain regimen could lead to health benefits for certain people. Now isn't that unscientific? If we don't understand something, it does not mean that it is not true. It simply means that it MAY not be true. Somehow many scientists forget about it, and forget about the fact that there are always exceptions to the rule as well. 

Traditional Chinese medicine is perhaps the closest thing to personalized medicine, and surely the field is messy. Have there been miracles? Yes. Has  there been disappointment? Yes. In the case of miracles, it is personalized medicine done at its best without the practitioner understanding the scientific basis. In the case of disappointment, it is the practitioner trying to over-apply something that has only worked for a few people. 

In the case of Winston, I don't care to find out any scientific basis. I just want to find out whatever that works for him. 

Typical Chinese Parents

I have observed a lot of Chinese parents whose mere presence makes everyone around them very unhappy. Their grown-up kids are almost without exception quite unhappy with them, while feeling guilty about having such feelings. I have been wondering, if one is unlucky enough to have such parents or marry into a family with such parents, what should one do?

A friend of mine suggested open discussion and serious dialogue. Communication is always my favored approach, except that it requires the other party to cooperate and participate, instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it", or simply a passive-aggressive face that shows that no communication would be useful. I guess the bottom line is that they are so set in their ways and so convinced that they are right that eventually everyone will give up talking with them. Of course when everyone gives up, they hear no more serious challenge and therefore naturally believe that it means that they must be right.

I look at my own mother, and try to figure out her secrets. She is from an older generation and of course she has different views and opinions about many things. She also has different habits. So what is it that she does that is different from the other Chinese parents?

In the end, I realize that it can be summed up in one word - perspective. Without having to read any books or learn from any guru, she has developed the wisdom of life, which is different from both street smart and book smart.

Most Chinese parents lack perspective in a way that makes them look comical:

- They are often super stingy and save every penny, even though their boring lives could really benefit from some periodic indulgences, which may actually get them in a better mood than the one they are frequently in when they launch into another complaint about their kids. My mom is very thrifty and never wastes money, but she never spends time worrying about cost if she's getting something that she wants, as long as she can afford it. She never goes around and around to look for the best deals as she prefers to spend her time doing much more fun things, or gets upset if she finds out that she has bought something that she could have bought at a much lower price. In summary, she is the boss of her money, instead of the slave as many Chinese parents are.

- They volunteer to help their kids with the grandchildren and then accuse the kids of being ungrateful whenever there is any friction or disagreement. Indeed, taking care of babies is a lot of work. I certainly know that myself. I would certainly say "no thank you" if someone tells me openly, "well, I would like to help you with housework and childcare. The condition is that I can do or say whatever I like, and I am in general very disagreeable." In fact, that's what a lot of Chinese parents should have said to their kids during the discussion on such topics. Instead, they say nothing up front, and feel indignant if their kids fight with them just because of a few toxic comments. My mom is very clear that she and I have different opinions and different habits, and therefore she is only willing to help me in the first few months after Winston's birth or when Winston was in transition between nannies and daycare. She is very clear that only when she's happy can she be of help to me. In other words, she is very clear about what I most need from her - her happiness first, followed by her help, as otherwise her help would just be toxic burden for me. That shows that she truly cares for me, in that she does not project onto me what I should need, but what I truly need. Since she's thoroughly enjoying her life right now in Beijing, I also feel happy because of her. That is why I wonder why other Chinese parents are not doing what my mom does (i.e. just live their own lives and be happy so that everyone else can be happier). Instead, they make themselves unhappy by supporting their kids with childcare or financial assistance, all the while feeling even more unhappy.

- They seem to care too much about what others think, but as a result have paradoxically become even more selfish. It is always about "face". They do a lot of things because "otherwise so and so will be unhappy", or "otherwise what would people think of us?" As a result, they are super demanding and appear utterly selfish. My mom is truly independent in that she lives in a way that's best for her, and her happiness has enabled her to be more generous and giving. She does not care if she is considered "abnormal" if she has no interest eating out with some people or joining a party. She does not care if she does not do something that everyone else does. She does not care if people think that a divorced mother of two must be miserable. She does not care if others think that she is not doing something correctly. These other Chinese parents seem to care more about what others think than their own happiness. As a result, they are usually so unhappy that they have no capacity for love, consideration or forgiveness for their own family - they are too busy trying to cover up all the terrible things that they don't want others to see, without knowing that no one else pays that much attention to them.

I am truly grateful for having such a mother myself. She has taught me with her own example the importance of perspective. Unfortunately, I see around myself many people who are the unintentional products of their Chinese parents. And as we all know, old habits die hard.