Movies and Actresses

I saw the movie "J. Edgar" yesterday. Since it's a Clint Eastwood movie, naturally it has a message to deliver for our times. And the message is obvious. Clint Eastwood must be a die-hard Democrat. 

Leonardo DiCaprio was phenomenal. He's come a long way from being the hearthrob in "Titanic" to a very unattractive middle-aged J. Edgar Hoover in "J. Edgar". Naomi Watts and Judi Dench played his secretary and his mother, respectively, which made me wonder - are American actresses so bad at speaking American English that they have to hire Australian and British actresses to fake an American accent? 

Indeed, when I think about it, while there have been phenomenal American actors, most of the impressive actresses (in my opinion) are not American – Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, Kiera Knightley, etc. The one exception is Meryl Streep. The other day, I happened to have caught a glimpse of her in "Sophie's Choice" - it was so heart-breaking that I had to turn it off. I have never been able to watch that movie in completion, because it's made to feel too real. 

What other movies did I see recently? - The new version of "Jane Eyre" which I found incredibly boring. I think it's time people stop remaking "Jane Eyre" or "Pride and Prejudice". 

Playdates For Winston?

I have often been a delinquent mother for Winston. My delinquency manifests itself in many ways. I did not want to go through an extended struggle with his potty training, so I waited until the last possible minute to train him, making him the oldest kid in his class. Even now, he has to poop standing up, which means that he will let me know that he wants to poop, and I will put on a diaper on him so that he can poop. I have not trained him to eat all kinds of vegetables and meat, which means that his diet is still very narrow in scope, which perhaps contributes to his periodic constipation. I have not taught him anything since hiring a part-time nanny who takes him out after dinner every day to the nearby elementary school, where for all I know he could just be walking around doing nothing while the nanny chats on the phone. 

But I have certainly been good at arranging playdates for him. I have a playdate almost every weekend arranged for him. It's often with friends of mine who happen to have kids of similar age. Today we had another one. The kids did not really play together that much. Winston certainly did not play with anyone, but he was happy to be around a lot of people. The other kids did play together at times. I then made the observation that I perhaps arranged these playdates for myself really – so that I could have a chance to chat with my friends when the kids are presumably socializing. I do pay constant attention to Winston, but I also have fun chatting with friends. There is a reason why I have never scheduled any playdates with Winston's classmates – it would then be entirely for Winston. 

Of course, I then tell myself that Winston already spends 5 days a week with these classmates, in which case there is more reason for him to be exposed to other kids and other adults on the weekends! 

There is no limit to how much human beings can rationalize behaviors and choices in the best way imaginable. That is human nature. 

The London Olympics

This year has been very low-key and melancholy. For one thing, the Olympics came and went, and I can hardly remember what happened.  But wait a second – that is the Olympics that happens only once every four years!!!

I did not watch either the opening or the closing ceremonies. Presumably they were fine but not earth-shattering. It was okay to miss them. While Michael Phelps astonished the world at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, no one did at the London games. Sure, Michael Phelps added to his gold medal  count and became the person with the most Olympic gold medals in history. But somehow no one was impressed with him. In fact, if he had repeated another eight gold medals, people would not have been terribly impressed, let alone falling short of that goal. 

So what do I remember about the London Olympics? I remember some interesting gymnastic moves. Oh, Winston got a fake gold medal at school, and I asked him, "is that your gold medal?" He naturally said, "yes." I asked him, "Is that for team competition or individual all-around." "Individual all-around." I tried to suppress my laughs and continued my questioning, "is that for diving or gymnastics?" "Gymnastics." His way of answering a question with choices is to choose the latter one, as presumably it's easier for him to remember the pronunciation. 

Finally, I asked him, "is it from the world championship or the Olympics?" Of course, he said, "Olympics." 

So that's what I remember best about the London Olympics. 

A Weekend Near Santa Barbara

In my effort to keep up a record of life in general, I have been terribly delinquent. Indeed as one of my friends wisely said regarding a life with young kids, "the days are long but the years are short." Suddenly, Winston is transitioning into the next class at his daycare center, and the summer of 2012 is almost over. 

We took a weekend trip to a resort ranch near Santa Barbara, mostly to meet up with friends who also have kids. We left the day after Winston was seen by a pediatrician for a 3-day long fever that just would not go away. I was rendered distraught again (you would think that after so many illnesses of Winston's I would be emotionally immune but I am not). Still, we decided to go since there was not anything else we could do for him except for to watch over him carefully. He was holding onto this purple blanket the whole time so he was fairly content. He took a short nap in the car and was generally quiet, perhaps due to lack of energy. The resort ranch provided food, and therefore it was one of those destinations meant for really lazy people. There was no cell phone coverage where the ranch is, but when we drove to nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang certainly we could access email and cell phone.  The rooms and cabins were modest and sufficient but nothing fancy. The two friends who joined us there from San Diego were really fun-loving. One has an 8-year old boy whose appetite is nothing short of a miracle, with his energy level even more so. The other has a 7-year old girl who adored Winston and insisted that he's her favorite boy. When asked if she wanted a baby sister or brother, she said that she wanted a baby brother just like Winston. Fortunately for her, her mother is expecting a baby boy.

There was not much to do there. The older kids went horseback riding. There is a swimming pool, and nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang are fine places to visit perhaps once in one's life time. Excitement would not be the right word for this place, but I had loads of fun. We ate the delicious home-made food at the dining hall with friends, and we played cards late into the night while the kids were asleep. 

Winston kind of just roamed around. He's too young for horseback riding, and he's not interested in learning to swim. He still has this unhealthy fascination with doors, but he's also talking to people which was lovely. Sometimes when I look at him, I am amazed by how utterly oblivious he is to the fact that he's just divinely funny and cute. 

Marissa Mayer vs. Anne-Marie Slaughter

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article in the Atlantic "Why Women Still Can't Have it All" unleashed a lot of debates. She's certainly been very successful in her line of work, and she sensibly advocates for policy change to accommodate the challenge of motherhood. But  she also makes it clear that perhaps there is no real substitute for a mother at certain points of a kid's life. With some kids, it may be at the infant stage if the kid is premature or has some health issues. With others, it may be during the difficult teenage years as in Anne-Marie Slaughter's case. Those who completely outsource their kids to others or simply delegate them to grandparents sometimes have great luck in which case their delegates do a great job of raising the kids, as in the case of Katharine Graham's own parents. Well, let me qualify that statement by saying that Katharine Graham has turned out phenomenal, with her own siblings having various issues in their lives with their parents. But more often than not, these parents find themselves regretting later in life when the kids practically tell them that it's their fault not to have been there. 

Almost soon afterwards, we read about the high-profile appointment of Marissa Mayer as CEO of Yahoo!. Her first baby is due this October, and she made a point of telling the public that she will hardly take any time off and work through the maternity leave. That of course has elicited a lot of discussion, with some criticizing her for sending the wrong message, some applauding her courage, and still others wondering if she knows what she is going through. 

As for myself, I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about Marissa Mayer's message. On the one hand, it is totally her own business how much time she wants to take off after giving birth, and surely she can afford the world's best nannies and housekeepers to do a much better job than she can in terms of childcare and housework. On the other hand, I feel slightly frustrated. 

I feel frustrated because sometimes I find myself compared to women who are struggling with a full-time job while taking care of two kids mostly by themselves, with hardly any hired help. Of course these women never think of comparing themselves to Marissa Mayer, because they know that they will never be promoted as fast as their male colleagues whose wives are also taking a slow pace at work. 

But I also feel frustrated because most other times I find myself compared (subconsciously or by lectures from others) to successful women like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, who of course are utterly amazing in their careers and have made it before they encounter motherhood. It would seem that I should be able to leave my son behind for extended period of time without worrying, but my nanny got paid a fraction of the super nannies of the rich, who presumably are not only incredibly experienced but also willing to go beyond the call of the duty if for no other reason but the ridiculously high salary. And by the way, my nanny got paid even a little higher than the average. But the key word is "average". 

Therefore, I have to say that Anne-Marie Slaughter does send the right message in her article in that she makes it clear that it is not a good idea to compare point by point what a super successful woman can do with her family after she's become super successful.  The fact that Marissa Mayer will plan to take very little time off is amazing, but the amazing part is due to her making it to the top of the corporate echelon. That is not something that anyone can accomplish. As she can afford the world's best team of nannies, nurses, tutors, child psychologists and housekeepers, perhaps the first few years of her kid's life should turn out better than most without her being around as much. In fact, these early advantages may prevent the troubles that Anne-Marie Slaughter's kids went through in their teenage years. After all, when her kids were little, she was working perhaps as hard as Marissa Mayer, but without the millions to afford a world-class professional team for the kids. 

Aging Gracefully

A while ago, a friend told me that her father was in critical condition at the hospital. Although he did recover from the worst of it, he has remained in poor health and even poorer spirit since. 

Then another friend spent several agonizing days waiting around at the hospital while her mother was doubling up in pain due to kidney stones. 

Several friends saw their parents pass in recent years. 

I called my mom up and urged her to take a vacation trip abroad this summer. My reasoning? Well, do everything you want to do NOW before it is too late. As usual, she gets the message, and immediately booked a trip to Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. She would have wanted to go to England except that there are no tours available until after the London Olympics.  So next year she plans to take a trip to England. In between, she will take some shorter trips. On most days, she does housework,  runs errands, exercises, sees friends, goes to concerts and movies and tutors math a few times a week. She said that she had never been happier in her life until now. 

Aging gracefully can only happen if one can avoid the disgraceful consequence of constant sickness. 

From Eugene Meyer to Woody Allen

The other day, I opened up one of my favorite books for a re-read – Katharine Graham's "Personal History". She came from a distinguished family. Her father Eugene Meyer was a prominent businessman before he went into public service.  

While he was searching for his way after college, he came upon a book "The Map of Life" by William Edward Hartpole Lecky that suggested that "a man's life should be planned as a single whole in which each stage would be a prologue to the stage that followed". He then mapped out such a plan for himself, with the first 20 years assigned to education the second 20 years allocated to growth and experimentation, during which he will earn a living and start a family. The third 20 years will be devoted to public service, with him retiring at age 60 to age gracefully and help young people. Eventually he did live largely according to plan, until the age of 83.

There is a reason why reading this part the first time over a decade ago did not leave any lasting impression – I was too busy to really pause and think. Now that I am thinking, I realize that perhaps we all should have such a plan. As people live longer now and education takes longer, perhaps we should divide up our life in 25-year chunks instead of 20-year chunks. My own formal schooling did not end until I was 28 years old, and that's an average age for anyone who wants an advanced degree, not to mention the additional training required if one wants to get into academia. Based on this plan, I have less than a decade left for this "growth and experimentation" phase of my life! 

Of course everyone has different goals, interests and priorities and therefore each person's "plan" is different. For example, Woody Allen is 76 years old and is still making funny and romantic movies. Obviously for a genius like him, to go into public service will be an utter waste of his talent, so I hope that he makes movies all the way to the end, which could be another 20 years from now! 

In a documentary film on him, he was asked by some European reporters whether his viewpoints on death had changed over the years (considering that he showcased through his characters an excessive fear of death). He deadpans, "no, it has not changed. I am still completely against it." 

He portrayed a retired music industry executive who equated retirement to death in his latest movie "To Rome With Love", and I suppose that to the delight of all of us die-hard Woody Allen fans, it means that he will never retire. In his life there will be only two phases – the first 20 years learning to be a comedian and film-maker, and the rest devoted to films.