I just received the class report of Harvard Class of 1994 in the mail, in anticipation of the upcoming 15th reunion of our class this June. Receiving this “crimson” red book did make my day quite exciting, especially in consideration of how little excitement I am exposed to these days. I have not been out of California for over half a year!
Since I transferred to Harvard as a junior, I only had two years to get to know people in my class. Besides, I could barely speak any English when I first arrived at Harvard. Fortunately, because of my husband Michael, who also is from Harvard Class of 1994, I have got to know more people in my class than I otherwise would have. I glanced through the class report quickly to find the names I remember, and what I found out about our class reminds me how different that crowd is from the rest of the world. So what are my observations and revelations?...
- There are people who wrote about everything and anything in their lives in the past 5 years (the verbose ones), there are people who apparently did not even update their contact information (the reticent ones), and there are people who cover the whole spectrum in between.
- Some have become professors at leading academic institutions; some have become partners at law firms, banks and consulting firms; some have made many millions from starting companies; some have become stay-home moms of three or more kids; some have travelled to exotic corners of the world; some have changed their sexuality; and some have led truly adventurous lives by experimenting with all kinds of endeavors that I did not know exist and still are not settling on one.
- Many people who have kids (or at least have written about having kids) have chosen rather regal names for their sons and daughters. I seem to recall “Alexander” as a popular boy’s name, and “Alexandra” as a popular girl’s name.
- Some are proudly destitute, because they have had plenty of excitement; some are proudly bourgeois, because they have established enviable financial and family stability; and there are those of us who are neither so cool nor so rich.
Only after I read the report did I realize that I also wrote a paragraph or two – I had completely forgotten that I did. I mentioned how I learned that we could not have excitement and comfort at the same time. However, reading this report made me realize that it is actually possible for some people to have BOTH excitement and comfort, whereas for the rest of us, we may not have either! Michael and I have led a rather quiet and conventional life by comparison to our illustrious and imaginative classmates, and yet, we have nothing to show for our presumably bourgeois and conventional approach either – no significant wealth to mention (my startup company’s stocks are highly illiquid and highly risky), no great fame to boast (Michael is only ABOUT to start a faculty job at a Bay Area academic institution), and no adorable family with 2.2 kids and a dog to parade (well, we are about to have just one kid – no twins unfortunately, and no pets).
I was just having an email exchange with a friend of mine in the biotech industry. He’s leading a biotech company he co-founded, and his wife, whom he met during graduate school, is a professor at a leading academic institution in southern California. They have one baby daughter. Michael and I share a lot in common with him and his wife, at least on the surface. He just told me that he was going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in June, writing a children’s fiction in his spare time, and would probably take a family vacation with his wife and daughter in Vancouver or Seattle this summer.
I would not attempt to be too ambitious. If after the birth of my son, like this friend of mine in the biotech industry, I could still do a startup company, take trips with and without the baby, and manage to do a decent job raising my son, I would be content. – Of course, even if I could do all of that, by comparison to my accomplished classmates from Harvard Class of 1994, I would still be considered “below average” or “mediocre”…
Monday, May 4, 2009
Alice Walker and Rebecca Walker
My sister-in-law lent me a book “Baby Love – Choosing Motherhood after a lifetime of ambivalence” by Rebecca Walker, and said that I might find it entertaining.
Only after I started reading it, did I realize that Rebecca Walker was the only daughter of the black feminist and writer Alice Walker during her only marriage to a Jewish American lawyer. Apparently, the daughter never got any encouragement from the mother about having kids, as the mother viewed motherhood as a sure way to kill a woman’s freedom and possibilities. Now that the daughter has had a son, they no longer speak to each other! Rebecca herself is already a rather avant-garde Bohemian activist and writer, who has written extensively on feminism. She grew up spending two years at a time with one parent. Now that she’s also a writer, there is definitely some mother-daughter rivalry. Like her mother, Rebecca Walker experimented with lesbianism and promiscuity (at least that’s what it sounds like to us non-Bohemians) in general But unlike her mother, she eventually decided to settle down with one partner and have a baby.
I have long decided that the feminist movement was actually a failure – making women believe that “equality” has to imply “sameness”. Of course, in order to be exactly equal, women have to not bear and raise kids, because men don’t; women have to put their own career and ambition above everything else, because men do; women have to be boisterous and loud, because men are; women have to sleep around, because men have; and so on, and so forth. As a result, a whole generation of women who are perhaps a little older than Rebecca Walker have decided that they will live a “free” life, in order to be happy, only to realize later in life that they are not any happier. They rallied to the cry of the leaders of the feminist movements, only to realize that they had nothing to fight for. I believe that a life without kids is fine, as long as one has enough to fill a life. However, many women under the influence of radical feminism have chosen deliberately not to have kids, only to have nothing else fill their lives. They are no Alice Walker, who has indeed been busy promoting her ideas for decades. But they have taken up Alice Walker’s fury, without Alice Walker’s reason to be furious. It is as if they have blindly decided to join a revolution, only to realize that they were never the down-trodden mass that needed such a revolution. They would realize when it’s too late that their interests would have been best served had they not joined this revolution, because they were never subjected to the oppression that inspired this revolution.
In a way, I can see why the Alice Walkers had to go to such offensive extremes in their times by renouncing family and motherhood altogether. That is because they did live in a different time, which was indeed very difficult for women. Back in their times, if they chose to have kids, they would have to stay home to take care of them, because their husbands would not and there would be no other support either. If they chose to get married, they would have to stand behind their husbands and serve in a supportive role, because there was no other way for a marriage to work. The entire society was against them if they wanted to have a life of their own – while being wives and mothers. Therefore, they felt compelled to make a radical choice to be heard or noticed – by renouncing motherhood, they would not have to be bound at home; by renouncing monogamy, they would not have to suffer quietly men’s infidelity; by renouncing anything moderate, they would not have to answer to other traditions they found suffocating, because after all, there were many societal traditions that were unfair and suffocating to women back then. Alice Walker did have a reason to be so extreme and offensive.
Things have changed dramatically in the 21st century. Now that we have had a few decades of evaluating the results of the radical feminist movement besides taking into account the current socio-economic environment, we should be able to declare that the Alice Walkers no longer serve a great purpose today. Thanks to their effort, there is much greater opportunity for women these days. But because of their effort, the generation after Alice Walker no longer should act as if the entire world owed them. The world did owe Alice Walker, but not Rebecca Walker.
However, one of the biggest side effects of the radical feminist movement is that it allows today’s women to shun all responsibility by resorting to excuses. If they have ever relocated for their husbands’ careers, they blame their lackluster careers on the husbands; if they had ever done anything at home, they blame that the husbands were not sharing equal burden. I do believe that some women with really busy work and social lives have made the right choice in not having kids – they don’t need kids and they really don’t have time for them. There are also women who have not found the right partners with whom to have kids, so they naturally pursue a different life, which can be equally fulfilling. But for many other blind followers of Alice Walker and the feminist movement, they have neither Alice Walker’s independence – they still want husbands to support them (see an earlier blog on “Fortress Besieged”); nor Alice Walker’s talent or hard work – they are not accomplished in anything in particular. But their conscious and deliberate choices of not having kids simply have led them to have more time to complain, to lament, to resent and to begrudge – if they have chosen deliberately not to have kids, they ask indignantly, how come they have not led a glamorous, accomplished and adventurous life so far? – It is as if they have carved out all this time, only to realize that they don’t need any of this time after all.
Now that Rebecca Walker has become a mother, it has not stopped her from being a writer. In fact, she wrote this book about how she came to embrace motherhood after a whole life of ambivalence, which she has blamed on her mother. To some extent, she was right to blame her mother, as her mother was a heavy influence on her. Yet on the other hand, aren’t we all responsible for our own decisions once we reach adulthood? She seems to imply that it was wrong of her mother to dismiss motherhood, as it turned out to be a great source of joy for herself. Well, maybe that was not the case for a mother in the 1970s who still wanted to have a writing and activist career. Alice Walker was probably right in resenting motherhood in her times, just as Rebecca Walker is right in embracing motherhood today.
As with most things in life, we tend to over-correct and over-compensate. If the mother suffered in one direction, she would insist on her daughter going the other direction as far as possible, not realizing that the other extreme could be as dangerous or traumatic, and not realizing that her daughter naturally had no inclination to go the other extreme. In other words, only if a woman has been subjected to the submissive role of a wife/mother in the old days would she necessarily want to defy any and all responsibilities of a wife and a mother. Likewise, only if a woman has been subjected to the constant lectures of feminism would she want to go the other direction of becoming a stay-home mother – apparently many women graduating from Ivy League schools these days have chosen that over a busy career, much to the consternation of their own mothers!
Only after I started reading it, did I realize that Rebecca Walker was the only daughter of the black feminist and writer Alice Walker during her only marriage to a Jewish American lawyer. Apparently, the daughter never got any encouragement from the mother about having kids, as the mother viewed motherhood as a sure way to kill a woman’s freedom and possibilities. Now that the daughter has had a son, they no longer speak to each other! Rebecca herself is already a rather avant-garde Bohemian activist and writer, who has written extensively on feminism. She grew up spending two years at a time with one parent. Now that she’s also a writer, there is definitely some mother-daughter rivalry. Like her mother, Rebecca Walker experimented with lesbianism and promiscuity (at least that’s what it sounds like to us non-Bohemians) in general But unlike her mother, she eventually decided to settle down with one partner and have a baby.
I have long decided that the feminist movement was actually a failure – making women believe that “equality” has to imply “sameness”. Of course, in order to be exactly equal, women have to not bear and raise kids, because men don’t; women have to put their own career and ambition above everything else, because men do; women have to be boisterous and loud, because men are; women have to sleep around, because men have; and so on, and so forth. As a result, a whole generation of women who are perhaps a little older than Rebecca Walker have decided that they will live a “free” life, in order to be happy, only to realize later in life that they are not any happier. They rallied to the cry of the leaders of the feminist movements, only to realize that they had nothing to fight for. I believe that a life without kids is fine, as long as one has enough to fill a life. However, many women under the influence of radical feminism have chosen deliberately not to have kids, only to have nothing else fill their lives. They are no Alice Walker, who has indeed been busy promoting her ideas for decades. But they have taken up Alice Walker’s fury, without Alice Walker’s reason to be furious. It is as if they have blindly decided to join a revolution, only to realize that they were never the down-trodden mass that needed such a revolution. They would realize when it’s too late that their interests would have been best served had they not joined this revolution, because they were never subjected to the oppression that inspired this revolution.
In a way, I can see why the Alice Walkers had to go to such offensive extremes in their times by renouncing family and motherhood altogether. That is because they did live in a different time, which was indeed very difficult for women. Back in their times, if they chose to have kids, they would have to stay home to take care of them, because their husbands would not and there would be no other support either. If they chose to get married, they would have to stand behind their husbands and serve in a supportive role, because there was no other way for a marriage to work. The entire society was against them if they wanted to have a life of their own – while being wives and mothers. Therefore, they felt compelled to make a radical choice to be heard or noticed – by renouncing motherhood, they would not have to be bound at home; by renouncing monogamy, they would not have to suffer quietly men’s infidelity; by renouncing anything moderate, they would not have to answer to other traditions they found suffocating, because after all, there were many societal traditions that were unfair and suffocating to women back then. Alice Walker did have a reason to be so extreme and offensive.
Things have changed dramatically in the 21st century. Now that we have had a few decades of evaluating the results of the radical feminist movement besides taking into account the current socio-economic environment, we should be able to declare that the Alice Walkers no longer serve a great purpose today. Thanks to their effort, there is much greater opportunity for women these days. But because of their effort, the generation after Alice Walker no longer should act as if the entire world owed them. The world did owe Alice Walker, but not Rebecca Walker.
However, one of the biggest side effects of the radical feminist movement is that it allows today’s women to shun all responsibility by resorting to excuses. If they have ever relocated for their husbands’ careers, they blame their lackluster careers on the husbands; if they had ever done anything at home, they blame that the husbands were not sharing equal burden. I do believe that some women with really busy work and social lives have made the right choice in not having kids – they don’t need kids and they really don’t have time for them. There are also women who have not found the right partners with whom to have kids, so they naturally pursue a different life, which can be equally fulfilling. But for many other blind followers of Alice Walker and the feminist movement, they have neither Alice Walker’s independence – they still want husbands to support them (see an earlier blog on “Fortress Besieged”); nor Alice Walker’s talent or hard work – they are not accomplished in anything in particular. But their conscious and deliberate choices of not having kids simply have led them to have more time to complain, to lament, to resent and to begrudge – if they have chosen deliberately not to have kids, they ask indignantly, how come they have not led a glamorous, accomplished and adventurous life so far? – It is as if they have carved out all this time, only to realize that they don’t need any of this time after all.
Now that Rebecca Walker has become a mother, it has not stopped her from being a writer. In fact, she wrote this book about how she came to embrace motherhood after a whole life of ambivalence, which she has blamed on her mother. To some extent, she was right to blame her mother, as her mother was a heavy influence on her. Yet on the other hand, aren’t we all responsible for our own decisions once we reach adulthood? She seems to imply that it was wrong of her mother to dismiss motherhood, as it turned out to be a great source of joy for herself. Well, maybe that was not the case for a mother in the 1970s who still wanted to have a writing and activist career. Alice Walker was probably right in resenting motherhood in her times, just as Rebecca Walker is right in embracing motherhood today.
As with most things in life, we tend to over-correct and over-compensate. If the mother suffered in one direction, she would insist on her daughter going the other direction as far as possible, not realizing that the other extreme could be as dangerous or traumatic, and not realizing that her daughter naturally had no inclination to go the other extreme. In other words, only if a woman has been subjected to the submissive role of a wife/mother in the old days would she necessarily want to defy any and all responsibilities of a wife and a mother. Likewise, only if a woman has been subjected to the constant lectures of feminism would she want to go the other direction of becoming a stay-home mother – apparently many women graduating from Ivy League schools these days have chosen that over a busy career, much to the consternation of their own mothers!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Impending Motherhood
When Michael first set up the blog, it was largely because I wrote a long e-mail to friends about our trip to Europe summer of 2008. He figured that it would be a good place to store my reports on my travels.
Unfortunately, since then, I have done very little travelling, partly due to the pregnancy. There is a reason why in the old days, the euphemism for pregnancy is “confinement”. To some extent, it does feel like a confinement, especially as it progresses to the last few weeks.
Needless to say, friends and relatives have been providing me a lot of advice and suggestions, and I myself have been paying attention to how other mothers cope with pregnancy and their babies. I must say that it has been an interesting revelation for sure. We all know that people are different, but somehow, when we get to see truly how different they are in an area to which we were not paying attention previously, we can still be surprised.
One thing that everyone does share in common is that they all think having kids is great and they cannot imagine living a life without having kids, as it would have been an incomplete, or unfulfilled life. I am definitely not unique enough to defy something endorsed by 100% of the people who have been through this experience.
Aside from that common ground, I have come to see the drastic differences among parents, especially mothers. These days, we are inundated with information on how to have a perfect pregnancy and how to be a perfect parent, that it is easy to see how one gets guilty about not doing something, or doing something that seems to not be in the baby’s best interest. I recall reading an article by Judith Warner of New York Times that asserted that what makes mothers happy is ultimately what is best for the babies as well, as a grumpy and frustrated mother is less likely to be great for her baby. Still, even as I was telling others about this article, I felt a slight guilt as it was almost a bit too self-serving. In a way, my ambivalence for the longest time about having kids is due to what many women told me, presumably to make me want to have kids, “it will be the best and most rewarding experience in your life. But your life will be completely changed, as you will not be able to travel around, watch movies, attend parties, go out to dinner or work as much. But by that time you will not care much about those things. ” – I did not find it very persuasive, to say the least!
So what are the different types of mothers or would-be mothers?
There is of course the group that stick to the perfect diet during pregnancy as well as the “ideal” way to care for a baby. It means eating things that may taste awful (I am being a bit facetious here), and not eating or drinking things that one might like much more. It means breastfeeding for as long as possible – apparently the “ideal” here has changed as years ago, formula was considered “ideal” whereas breastfeeding was considered inferior – I am sure that there will be more studies emerging in this field to keep certain people busy. And yes, it does mean a completely changed life, giving up all that one used to enjoy, because presumably the new joy is enough to replace or substitute for the old joys. While I do not want to predict what I am going to be like after having the baby (people tell me that it’s unwise to make such predictions before birth), I certainly have not earned a place in this group just during pregnancy, as I did eat what I felt like eating, drank what I felt like drinking, and going to some places which I felt like visiting, and still have not read all the books that I have been given on pregnancy, birth and raising babies.
Then there is another group – I actually have not met anyone in person, but I heard about them from my sister-in-law who knows a lot of people. She said that a friend of hers with two kids was quite the opposite of the usual obsessive mothers. One of the kids would bump into some furniture, with blood dripping from his nose. While the visitors to the house got alarmed, the mother calmly replied, “oh that happens often. Don’t worry. He will be fine.” – And indeed he was fine, but just looked terrible walking around with a bloody face and bloody clothes!
My sister-in-law has an 8-month old baby boy. Since she gave birth, she has travelled with her husband and her baby to Taiwan and Japan, and will travel to South Africa later this year. Whenever I visit her, the baby is generally in a good mood and can play on his own. He sleeps in his own room, and eats a lot. He does cry a little before going to sleep, but my sister-in-law is fairly disciplined about training him to go to sleep in his own room. She would take him along to go to restaurants she just discovered with me, and the baby would be just fine. She just asked me if Michael and I would like to join them on a long weekend trip at the end of May to Mendicino, as they will go camping there. Considering that it will be just two weeks before my due date, she suggested that we book a Bed&Breakfast as there are plenty of beautiful B&Bs there.
When I told a friend of mine about this suggestion, she immediately said that it was a bad idea, as it was so close to my due date. Then she marvelled at my sister-in-law's ability to still enjoy life so much, and commented how she could not imagine doing so much travelling, with her 5-month old baby. Before giving birth she talked about not fussing over the baby as many others did. Now the baby must be held by someone during her waking time. That does make travelling and other activities nearly impossible. I assume that different babies naturally have different temperaments, and perhaps some do require so much more attention and care than others.
Then there are friends and relatives whose kids are already in school. The competitive spirit among Asians makes some parents excessively proud – they could not talk about anything else except for their kids, including what they can do, what they have done, and what they will be doing. I cannot help wondering if years from now, these parents might resort to the guilt tricks by saying “think about how much we have done and sacrificed for you, and this is what you do to us?” – that is, in case the kids want to pursue something “useless” other than law, medicine or business, or turn out to be gay as opposed to getting "properly" married with kids at the right time, or worst of all, do not get into as good of a college as kids of parent’s friends and relatives…
By contrast, those whose kids are not winning piano competitions at age 6 feel that they have been somewhat delinquent. Even when they realize that perhaps it is ridiculous to enter into these "competitions", they naturally feel responsible for not making their kids child prodigies.
Who knows… While I now think I would like to lead a life as my sister-in-law is still able to lead after birth, I might turn into a hopelessly protective and constantly obsessive mother who cannot stop telling others about what my son can do, has done, or will do in the future. I am blushing simply at the thought of being so "nauseating" to others, but then realize that if I do turn out like that, I will likely not even be aware of it to blush...
Unfortunately, since then, I have done very little travelling, partly due to the pregnancy. There is a reason why in the old days, the euphemism for pregnancy is “confinement”. To some extent, it does feel like a confinement, especially as it progresses to the last few weeks.
Needless to say, friends and relatives have been providing me a lot of advice and suggestions, and I myself have been paying attention to how other mothers cope with pregnancy and their babies. I must say that it has been an interesting revelation for sure. We all know that people are different, but somehow, when we get to see truly how different they are in an area to which we were not paying attention previously, we can still be surprised.
One thing that everyone does share in common is that they all think having kids is great and they cannot imagine living a life without having kids, as it would have been an incomplete, or unfulfilled life. I am definitely not unique enough to defy something endorsed by 100% of the people who have been through this experience.
Aside from that common ground, I have come to see the drastic differences among parents, especially mothers. These days, we are inundated with information on how to have a perfect pregnancy and how to be a perfect parent, that it is easy to see how one gets guilty about not doing something, or doing something that seems to not be in the baby’s best interest. I recall reading an article by Judith Warner of New York Times that asserted that what makes mothers happy is ultimately what is best for the babies as well, as a grumpy and frustrated mother is less likely to be great for her baby. Still, even as I was telling others about this article, I felt a slight guilt as it was almost a bit too self-serving. In a way, my ambivalence for the longest time about having kids is due to what many women told me, presumably to make me want to have kids, “it will be the best and most rewarding experience in your life. But your life will be completely changed, as you will not be able to travel around, watch movies, attend parties, go out to dinner or work as much. But by that time you will not care much about those things. ” – I did not find it very persuasive, to say the least!
So what are the different types of mothers or would-be mothers?
There is of course the group that stick to the perfect diet during pregnancy as well as the “ideal” way to care for a baby. It means eating things that may taste awful (I am being a bit facetious here), and not eating or drinking things that one might like much more. It means breastfeeding for as long as possible – apparently the “ideal” here has changed as years ago, formula was considered “ideal” whereas breastfeeding was considered inferior – I am sure that there will be more studies emerging in this field to keep certain people busy. And yes, it does mean a completely changed life, giving up all that one used to enjoy, because presumably the new joy is enough to replace or substitute for the old joys. While I do not want to predict what I am going to be like after having the baby (people tell me that it’s unwise to make such predictions before birth), I certainly have not earned a place in this group just during pregnancy, as I did eat what I felt like eating, drank what I felt like drinking, and going to some places which I felt like visiting, and still have not read all the books that I have been given on pregnancy, birth and raising babies.
Then there is another group – I actually have not met anyone in person, but I heard about them from my sister-in-law who knows a lot of people. She said that a friend of hers with two kids was quite the opposite of the usual obsessive mothers. One of the kids would bump into some furniture, with blood dripping from his nose. While the visitors to the house got alarmed, the mother calmly replied, “oh that happens often. Don’t worry. He will be fine.” – And indeed he was fine, but just looked terrible walking around with a bloody face and bloody clothes!
My sister-in-law has an 8-month old baby boy. Since she gave birth, she has travelled with her husband and her baby to Taiwan and Japan, and will travel to South Africa later this year. Whenever I visit her, the baby is generally in a good mood and can play on his own. He sleeps in his own room, and eats a lot. He does cry a little before going to sleep, but my sister-in-law is fairly disciplined about training him to go to sleep in his own room. She would take him along to go to restaurants she just discovered with me, and the baby would be just fine. She just asked me if Michael and I would like to join them on a long weekend trip at the end of May to Mendicino, as they will go camping there. Considering that it will be just two weeks before my due date, she suggested that we book a Bed&Breakfast as there are plenty of beautiful B&Bs there.
When I told a friend of mine about this suggestion, she immediately said that it was a bad idea, as it was so close to my due date. Then she marvelled at my sister-in-law's ability to still enjoy life so much, and commented how she could not imagine doing so much travelling, with her 5-month old baby. Before giving birth she talked about not fussing over the baby as many others did. Now the baby must be held by someone during her waking time. That does make travelling and other activities nearly impossible. I assume that different babies naturally have different temperaments, and perhaps some do require so much more attention and care than others.
Then there are friends and relatives whose kids are already in school. The competitive spirit among Asians makes some parents excessively proud – they could not talk about anything else except for their kids, including what they can do, what they have done, and what they will be doing. I cannot help wondering if years from now, these parents might resort to the guilt tricks by saying “think about how much we have done and sacrificed for you, and this is what you do to us?” – that is, in case the kids want to pursue something “useless” other than law, medicine or business, or turn out to be gay as opposed to getting "properly" married with kids at the right time, or worst of all, do not get into as good of a college as kids of parent’s friends and relatives…
By contrast, those whose kids are not winning piano competitions at age 6 feel that they have been somewhat delinquent. Even when they realize that perhaps it is ridiculous to enter into these "competitions", they naturally feel responsible for not making their kids child prodigies.
Who knows… While I now think I would like to lead a life as my sister-in-law is still able to lead after birth, I might turn into a hopelessly protective and constantly obsessive mother who cannot stop telling others about what my son can do, has done, or will do in the future. I am blushing simply at the thought of being so "nauseating" to others, but then realize that if I do turn out like that, I will likely not even be aware of it to blush...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The Joy of Renting - The Other Way Around
While I had my share of troubles renting a place in Bay Area, I should say that renting out my house in San Diego has been quite an interesting endeavor.
Considering that we will not have time to manage the property directly, I hired an agent to lease out the house and manage it for me. She’s the same agent that has been managing Michael’s parents’ two homes in San Diego, and Michael told me that she came recommended by others.
Michael took all the photos of the house, and I wrote up the description of the house for her to advertise on various sites, including Craigslist. When I checked the craigslist.com listing, I realized that she did not include the major components that most people would be interested in knowing, such as square footage, despite the fact that I included all that information in my write-up to her. So I wrote her again and asked her to change it. Then I realized that any time there was someone interested, she would always ask me when I was going to be home to show it. I did give her a key after all, and she was supposed to show the house. But she never did it once. I did not mind it, as I did want to check out the people who might live in my house.
After I decided on the tenants, my agent said that it’s important for them to send the safety deposit in cashier’s check to her. I figured that it’s a sign of her caution and responsibility. After she deducted her fee, she wrote a check to me from her property management office’s account, and the check bounced! I asked her why, and she said that it’s an account for several properties she managed, and it could be due to the fact that one tenant’s rent check is late or bounced. Then when I met with her in my home (the 2nd time she even came to my house), I asked her to double-check the key I gave her to see if it fits. She could not find the key in her big key train. Eventually I had to find it for her.
Feeling nervous about her ability to deal with the cleaners and coordinating with the tenants after Michael and I are gone from San Diego, I wrote her an email and made a list of things to be particularly careful about, including checking the cleanliness of the house before letting the cleaners go (as my tenants are very much into cleanliness). She then wrote me back and said that she felt hurt by the email, because she “has been doing it for a long time” and that she’s “good at her work”. – I was thinking to myself, “wouldn’t that be something for me to judge?” I would have fired her were it not for the fact that I really don’t have the time to identify another agent during this transition period.
When I mentioned it to a friend of mine, he said, “we forget how spoiled we are by interacting with Ph.D. scientists, until we have to deal with others.” – I was surprised to hear him say that, considering that as an IP lawyer, he frequently complains how difficult PhD scientists are! He clarified further by saying, “Yes, PhD scientists can be really difficult to deal with, but at least they get done what they are supposed to do in their territories.”
Indeed my experience with renting (both directions) as well as interacting with the support staff in our healthcare system has made me perhaps more snobbish than I would have liked.
Considering that we will not have time to manage the property directly, I hired an agent to lease out the house and manage it for me. She’s the same agent that has been managing Michael’s parents’ two homes in San Diego, and Michael told me that she came recommended by others.
Michael took all the photos of the house, and I wrote up the description of the house for her to advertise on various sites, including Craigslist. When I checked the craigslist.com listing, I realized that she did not include the major components that most people would be interested in knowing, such as square footage, despite the fact that I included all that information in my write-up to her. So I wrote her again and asked her to change it. Then I realized that any time there was someone interested, she would always ask me when I was going to be home to show it. I did give her a key after all, and she was supposed to show the house. But she never did it once. I did not mind it, as I did want to check out the people who might live in my house.
After I decided on the tenants, my agent said that it’s important for them to send the safety deposit in cashier’s check to her. I figured that it’s a sign of her caution and responsibility. After she deducted her fee, she wrote a check to me from her property management office’s account, and the check bounced! I asked her why, and she said that it’s an account for several properties she managed, and it could be due to the fact that one tenant’s rent check is late or bounced. Then when I met with her in my home (the 2nd time she even came to my house), I asked her to double-check the key I gave her to see if it fits. She could not find the key in her big key train. Eventually I had to find it for her.
Feeling nervous about her ability to deal with the cleaners and coordinating with the tenants after Michael and I are gone from San Diego, I wrote her an email and made a list of things to be particularly careful about, including checking the cleanliness of the house before letting the cleaners go (as my tenants are very much into cleanliness). She then wrote me back and said that she felt hurt by the email, because she “has been doing it for a long time” and that she’s “good at her work”. – I was thinking to myself, “wouldn’t that be something for me to judge?” I would have fired her were it not for the fact that I really don’t have the time to identify another agent during this transition period.
When I mentioned it to a friend of mine, he said, “we forget how spoiled we are by interacting with Ph.D. scientists, until we have to deal with others.” – I was surprised to hear him say that, considering that as an IP lawyer, he frequently complains how difficult PhD scientists are! He clarified further by saying, “Yes, PhD scientists can be really difficult to deal with, but at least they get done what they are supposed to do in their territories.”
Indeed my experience with renting (both directions) as well as interacting with the support staff in our healthcare system has made me perhaps more snobbish than I would have liked.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
"We do a few common things, uncommonly well"
"Indeed La Jolla is beautiful and fun," I thought as I walked through the chic downtown La Jolla area today. Sometimes Michael and I would visit the La Jolla Cove area with friends visting from out-of-town, admiring the breathtaking sunset, observing the fat and silly sea lions lying on the beach, walking along the dramatic cliffs along the coast, or breezing through the numerous art galleries that showcase all kinds of artists - my favorite is the Peter Lik gallery (http://www.peterlik.com/home.html). I wish that I could go to all the places where he took all those stunning photos.
Last weekend, a couple from Los Angeles came to visit - presumably the last group of friends we would host in our San Diego house before our move. We took them to have Sunday brunch at Coffee Cup - a fusion breakfast place in La Jolla, where they would serve not only traditional brunch items, but also items which are a fusion of Asian and Mexican cuisines! They pointed out to me that the place next door - BurgerLounge- was so good that last time they visited La Jolla, they ate there twice in one day! I was thinking, "how can burgers be that great anyways?" But I have noticed that it is extremely popular all the time. Interestingly, the clientele are mostly young, fashionable and fit. I decided that I was going to give it a try.
Today we did go to BurgerLounge (http://www.burgerlounge.com/) for lunch. The place is rather small, but it is kept extremely clean. The decor is very modern and minimalist, with a lot of stainless steel. The burgers are made of beef from grass-fed cows, and everything is served on white ceramic plates. There is a freshness to everthing they make, from the juicy burgers to the seasoned fries to the salads and even to the iced tea they brew. I loved it the first bite - the bun was so fluffy and crisp too! I guess if you try hard, you can make any kind of food fascinating. We were sitting on these high stools, facing the street, observing the pedestrians passing by. There were a few tables outside as well, with people in designer sun-glasses and chic clothes sipping their iced tea or beer while eating these beautifully made fashionable burgers. It was quite a dramatic culinary difference from eating at McDonald's or In&Out for sure. The slogan of BurgerLounge is "we do a few common things, uncommonly well." And they really have lived up to that! Come to think of it, perhaps what we consider genius or innovation very often is just to "do a few common things, uncommonly well".
I am beginning to feel even more nostalgic about San Diego....
Last weekend, a couple from Los Angeles came to visit - presumably the last group of friends we would host in our San Diego house before our move. We took them to have Sunday brunch at Coffee Cup - a fusion breakfast place in La Jolla, where they would serve not only traditional brunch items, but also items which are a fusion of Asian and Mexican cuisines! They pointed out to me that the place next door - BurgerLounge- was so good that last time they visited La Jolla, they ate there twice in one day! I was thinking, "how can burgers be that great anyways?" But I have noticed that it is extremely popular all the time. Interestingly, the clientele are mostly young, fashionable and fit. I decided that I was going to give it a try.
Today we did go to BurgerLounge (http://www.burgerlounge.com/) for lunch. The place is rather small, but it is kept extremely clean. The decor is very modern and minimalist, with a lot of stainless steel. The burgers are made of beef from grass-fed cows, and everything is served on white ceramic plates. There is a freshness to everthing they make, from the juicy burgers to the seasoned fries to the salads and even to the iced tea they brew. I loved it the first bite - the bun was so fluffy and crisp too! I guess if you try hard, you can make any kind of food fascinating. We were sitting on these high stools, facing the street, observing the pedestrians passing by. There were a few tables outside as well, with people in designer sun-glasses and chic clothes sipping their iced tea or beer while eating these beautifully made fashionable burgers. It was quite a dramatic culinary difference from eating at McDonald's or In&Out for sure. The slogan of BurgerLounge is "we do a few common things, uncommonly well." And they really have lived up to that! Come to think of it, perhaps what we consider genius or innovation very often is just to "do a few common things, uncommonly well".
I am beginning to feel even more nostalgic about San Diego....
Friday, April 10, 2009
We all just want to belong...
When I read the widely circulated artcile “What’s a Modern Girl to Do?” (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html) by the witty and sarcastic Maureen Dowd over three years ago, I recalled thinking, “ indeed the feminist movement has been almost a complete failure.” Michael’s comment was, “the feminists successfully called the hypocritical men bluffing – while men had insisted for centuries on the sanctity of marriage to keep women subservient, the feminists essentially forced men to apply the same exclusivity to themselves as well.” – The result, was the sad and sorry outcome of this institution called marriage, so that both genders are equally vexed and unhappy!
Despite my own belief that we should not blindly and easily fall into conventional thinking, I know that I am among the majority of people who would instinctively think that an attractive and talented woman should get married. While marrriage has not necessarily delievered absolute bliss to many, I find myself fretting over my sister’s single status and even worrying about female friends of mine who are not married. I would think somewhat sadly, “they are so beautiful, talented and fun, and it’s too bad that they have not got married.” In reality, I suppose my thinking is actually as conventional as the kind driving those notorious bespectacled old-fashioned aunts, who would nag their nieces about getting married before it’s too late, much to their neices’ annoyance.
Ironically, when we see our loved ones marry people who have cost them dearly in personal and professional happiness, we do not find ourselves thinking “oh if only she/he were single…” it is as if in the back of our minds, being married (no matter how bad the marriage is) is always better than being single. That is perhaps why if and when we hear complaints from friends about their spouses, even if we think that we would not be able to stand such behaviors, we would always try to come up with words in defense of those spouses we dislike or even despise. No one wants to be in the position to counsel someone out of his or her marriage, no matter how terrible the marriage is. Sometimes we find ourselves not wanting to spend time with some friends any more, because we cannot stand their spouses, or how their spouses treat them. Perhaps that is in a way a betrayal of our friends and a cowardly way to shun responsibility, but we do that because we do not believe that our honesty will be appreciated even by our friends.
A few years ago, a female friend did confide in me how she was so unhappy with her husband. While honestly I could not see them happy together and indeed were it up to me I would have left such a husband already, I would not dare to encourage her to seek a divorce. I think either I was too chicken to shoulder the responsibility of “destroying” her marriage, or I subconsciously thought that being married was still better than being single. As it turned out, she did divorce her husband, and now is happily remarried.
Last night I was talking to a male friend who is still single, and I told him a joke about marriage, “married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.” – He did not find it very funny though, probably because he still thinks that regardless, it is a lot better to be married than to be single.
Perhaps even the feisty and sharp-tongued Maureen Dowd did not realize that in the back of her mind, she too thinks like other people – it is better to be married. She too, conforms, even as she ridicules others for their lack of courage to stand up to social pressure.
Ultimately, I suppose we human beings really just want to belong, a habit that we have developed since childhood when we wanted to be liked by our playmates, praised by our teachers, and nothing could be worse than being singled out. For those of us who think that we dare to be different in our thinking and behaviors, perhaps we do so only because our “daring” behaviors and thoughts still meet acceptance from at least some people whom we identify with as “daring and independent”. Such is the futile pursuit of human beings for true independence of mind.
Despite my own belief that we should not blindly and easily fall into conventional thinking, I know that I am among the majority of people who would instinctively think that an attractive and talented woman should get married. While marrriage has not necessarily delievered absolute bliss to many, I find myself fretting over my sister’s single status and even worrying about female friends of mine who are not married. I would think somewhat sadly, “they are so beautiful, talented and fun, and it’s too bad that they have not got married.” In reality, I suppose my thinking is actually as conventional as the kind driving those notorious bespectacled old-fashioned aunts, who would nag their nieces about getting married before it’s too late, much to their neices’ annoyance.
Ironically, when we see our loved ones marry people who have cost them dearly in personal and professional happiness, we do not find ourselves thinking “oh if only she/he were single…” it is as if in the back of our minds, being married (no matter how bad the marriage is) is always better than being single. That is perhaps why if and when we hear complaints from friends about their spouses, even if we think that we would not be able to stand such behaviors, we would always try to come up with words in defense of those spouses we dislike or even despise. No one wants to be in the position to counsel someone out of his or her marriage, no matter how terrible the marriage is. Sometimes we find ourselves not wanting to spend time with some friends any more, because we cannot stand their spouses, or how their spouses treat them. Perhaps that is in a way a betrayal of our friends and a cowardly way to shun responsibility, but we do that because we do not believe that our honesty will be appreciated even by our friends.
A few years ago, a female friend did confide in me how she was so unhappy with her husband. While honestly I could not see them happy together and indeed were it up to me I would have left such a husband already, I would not dare to encourage her to seek a divorce. I think either I was too chicken to shoulder the responsibility of “destroying” her marriage, or I subconsciously thought that being married was still better than being single. As it turned out, she did divorce her husband, and now is happily remarried.
Last night I was talking to a male friend who is still single, and I told him a joke about marriage, “married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.” – He did not find it very funny though, probably because he still thinks that regardless, it is a lot better to be married than to be single.
Perhaps even the feisty and sharp-tongued Maureen Dowd did not realize that in the back of her mind, she too thinks like other people – it is better to be married. She too, conforms, even as she ridicules others for their lack of courage to stand up to social pressure.
Ultimately, I suppose we human beings really just want to belong, a habit that we have developed since childhood when we wanted to be liked by our playmates, praised by our teachers, and nothing could be worse than being singled out. For those of us who think that we dare to be different in our thinking and behaviors, perhaps we do so only because our “daring” behaviors and thoughts still meet acceptance from at least some people whom we identify with as “daring and independent”. Such is the futile pursuit of human beings for true independence of mind.
Friday, April 3, 2009
What We Should Learn From "Fortress Besieged"
My friend is always the compassionate type, saying that as long as they don’t have evil intentions, we should not be so harsh towards them and we should feel sorry for them. Besides, she argued that it’s understandable that “weak” or “incompetent” people would resort to all kinds of measures to grab onto whatever they feel is important for their survival, be it material, or emotional survival, because they have so little to give while needing so much. I, on the other hand, perhaps belong to the “harsher” group of people.
I do agree that we ought to demonstrate real compassion towards people who are disadvantaged by various measures. But I believe that compassion is misplaced the minute these people turn these "disadvantages" into an asset or weapon of theirs, or worse yet, due to their lack of competency, they use other means such as preying on people’s fears and manipulating (albeit subconsciously) others to get their way. It is as if their childhood abuse - a common theme in Hollywood movies to justify adult-stage selfishness or other unpleasant behaviors - would be reason enough for them to get away with anything they do or don't do. We can say, “oh but they usually feel so helpless and miserable that no wonder they will resort to any means - they probably do not even have the capacity to think for others or to care about others.” While it's true that there is nothing the rest of us can do to change their behavioral pattern, it also means sympathy and compassion will stop right there.
The supreme irony is that when these people finally did win their way by consciously or subconsciously using these means, they often found out that they did not want “exactly” that, or that things turned out worse for them. Sure, the incompetent who brown-nosed or threatened their way into a promotion may want the material benefits associated with the title, but they did not REALLY want the responsibility of having to do anything for it; and sure, women like Sun Roujia in Qian Zhongshu’s famous novel “The Fortress Besieged” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortress_Besieged) may have made all kinds of effort to find and keep a husband, but they did not really like the rest of the package associated with marriage once they were successful at landing a husband (e.g. the responsibiltiies, the requirement for empathy and understanding, the need for constant self-improvement, etc), nor did they even find the husbands they caught so great, useful or even to their satisfaction anyways. In other words, they do not know to “be careful what they wish for, as they may actually get it”. Perhaps had they been smarter, they would have chosen differently or demanded less, so that they could have gained much more in the end, either due to others’ competency to deliver, or due to others’ gratitude for their understanding.
When they finally mentally “get” it, it is already too late. Those who find themselves in positions of responsibility after eliminating competent competitors now secretly wish that they should have stayed on the sideline to benefit from the work of the competent, but it’s too late; those women who find themselves successful at finding and keeping husbands on a strict leash wish that perhaps they should have done something differently, when they see that their victory has led to emotionally and mentally broken men and no real happiness for themselves either, but alas, it's too late. For Sun Roujia in "Fortress Besieged", the biggest success or the proudest achievement in her life was getting Fang Hongjian to marry her; at the same time, the biggest failure or mistake in her life was also getting Fang Hongjian to marry her. Their marriage was the classic demonstration of the following joke, " A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."
Actually for women like Sun Roujia, they would have been unhappy regardless of their marital status. Having a husband makes it easier for them to have a target for their general unhappiness. They simply do not know what would "solve" their problem in life. Therefore their heroic effort to land a husband and even more desperate attempt to keep that husband who does not even meet their expectations have made them feel doubly underappreciated, and terribly resentful of the "sacrifices" they have made for the sake of this marriage. Again, it is a classic case of "not knowing what one really needs or wants".
As I expected, my friend labeled me an “elitist”. I have long resigned myself to being labeled as an elitist or things even worse by her – it is good to have a friend who can call you various bad names. I maintain that we as human beings should try to be smart and clear as to what we truly want and wish for, as well as what we are truly capable of, so that if and when we get it, we can own up to it, and do not succumb to the syndrome portrayed by Qian Zhongshu’s “Fortress Besieged”, loosely based on a French proverb – “Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out.”
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