I recall laughing when a former colleague of mine told me that his wife researched dozens of nursery schools and putting in deposits for at least half a dozen. Well, I am not doing that, but I can certainly understand the sentiment now.
Perhaps I am not doing all this research because I have a bias that those highly rated schools must be pretty good, and that Stanford University should have decent nursery schools. As a result, we had Winston on the waiting list of Madera Grove only and I told others that we would be sending him to International School of the Peninsula after he turns 3 years old (that is, if he gets in!). But now that he's fast approaching the age of 2, and I still don't know whether he will get a spot at Madera Grove, I have decided to put in an application for Bing Nursery School as well. For two-year-olds at Bing Nursery School, they can only attend 3 mornings a week at maximum, and must be accompanied by a parent or nanny until the kid is absolutely ready - i.e. no crying upon separation. I guess this is the most "white-gloved" approach to a kid. Plus it requires one to have a full-time nanny even after a kid starts attending school.
I guess I would have laughed at today's me, in addition to my colleague's wife...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Childish Behaviors in Adults
Supposedly, there was a survey that demonstrated that pediatrician-turned businessmen are extremely successful, partly because of their ability to handle childish behaviors. Kids do take up a lot of attention and time, but the time taken up by them perhaps is partially compensated for by one's increased understanding and ability to handle people issues at work because of intimate experience with kids.
Right now, I am rather annoyed at the nanny, who is acting grouchy because I requested that she offer Winston water during his meals. Her argument was that it was easier to feed him if he's not offered water. But Winston usually does not drink water without eating, and he could get constipated if he does not get enough water. So I insisted, and she was upset. She even threw a temper tantrum by demanding to know why I put a clean bowl in the sink.
If it were a year ago, I would have been quite angry. She is stepping over her boundary, not to mention trying to do something just to convenience her at the expense of Winston. I would have insisted on getting the message across to her back then. But this time around, I am letting it go for now. Who knows if she just had an argument with someone, or if something else irritated her that I don't know.
The Chinese saying "make big things dissolve into small things, and small things dissolve into nothing" surely is one to abide when it comes to household management and workplace management. Adults often display childish behaviors and act immature, which they know but just don't want to admit. Sometimes ignoring it for the moment might be the best "face-saving" way for the person to correct it.
But of course, at the same time one should keep a vigilant eye. If "small things" keep happening without any sign of abating, then in itself it will have escalated into something big, which will need to be addressed.
Right now, I am rather annoyed at the nanny, who is acting grouchy because I requested that she offer Winston water during his meals. Her argument was that it was easier to feed him if he's not offered water. But Winston usually does not drink water without eating, and he could get constipated if he does not get enough water. So I insisted, and she was upset. She even threw a temper tantrum by demanding to know why I put a clean bowl in the sink.
If it were a year ago, I would have been quite angry. She is stepping over her boundary, not to mention trying to do something just to convenience her at the expense of Winston. I would have insisted on getting the message across to her back then. But this time around, I am letting it go for now. Who knows if she just had an argument with someone, or if something else irritated her that I don't know.
The Chinese saying "make big things dissolve into small things, and small things dissolve into nothing" surely is one to abide when it comes to household management and workplace management. Adults often display childish behaviors and act immature, which they know but just don't want to admit. Sometimes ignoring it for the moment might be the best "face-saving" way for the person to correct it.
But of course, at the same time one should keep a vigilant eye. If "small things" keep happening without any sign of abating, then in itself it will have escalated into something big, which will need to be addressed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Making Up For My Absence
As I was busy last week at JP Morgan Healthcare Conference for fundraising meetings, I did not see Winston very much except for when he got up in the morning and right before his bath and bedtime at night. I am naturally a guilt-ridden person. Now that I am a mother, my guilt tendency has got even worse. I felt guilty that Winston had to be left mostly with the nanny for almost a week. I noticed that under his chubby chin he developed some rash – was it because he was too hot? Was it because his neck was not clean? Well – obviously if I were around, I would have noticed earlier and fixed it...
Last Thursday was the last day of the conference. I had to make up for my absence. So on Friday, I took him and the nanny to a story time at the local library, followed by a trip to Safeway, where he happily rode in one of those colorful kids’ cars. In the afternoon, after his nap, I took him to the neighbor’s house. While our nanny tutored the neighbor’s older daughter in Chinese, I watched Winston tour the neighbor’s house and play with the younger daughter. On Saturday, Winston got a trip to Stanford Shopping Center in the afternoon and played on the 3rd floor of Neiman Marcus, which he apparently enjoyed much more than Pottery Barn Kids – he has grown tired of Pottery Barn Kids! On Sunday, he went to a really fun play date in Foster City at my friend’s house in the morning and in the evening went shopping/eating at IKEA for the first time - there were so many doors and knobs for him to open and turn that he was ecstatic. Still, I felt that I did not completely make up for my absence. I still worry that he is not getting enough social interaction or stimulation.
My guilt is perhaps sufficient proof that I will not be a relaxed “western” mother...
Last Thursday was the last day of the conference. I had to make up for my absence. So on Friday, I took him and the nanny to a story time at the local library, followed by a trip to Safeway, where he happily rode in one of those colorful kids’ cars. In the afternoon, after his nap, I took him to the neighbor’s house. While our nanny tutored the neighbor’s older daughter in Chinese, I watched Winston tour the neighbor’s house and play with the younger daughter. On Saturday, Winston got a trip to Stanford Shopping Center in the afternoon and played on the 3rd floor of Neiman Marcus, which he apparently enjoyed much more than Pottery Barn Kids – he has grown tired of Pottery Barn Kids! On Sunday, he went to a really fun play date in Foster City at my friend’s house in the morning and in the evening went shopping/eating at IKEA for the first time - there were so many doors and knobs for him to open and turn that he was ecstatic. Still, I felt that I did not completely make up for my absence. I still worry that he is not getting enough social interaction or stimulation.
My guilt is perhaps sufficient proof that I will not be a relaxed “western” mother...
Chinese Parent or Western Parent?
The Wall Street Journal article “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior?” (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html) by Amy Chua has generated so much heated discussion that it is hard to avoid people asking me where I stand, especially since I am after all, a Chinese mother.
Needless to say, since Michael and I both went to Harvard, and we have 3 doctorate degrees between the two of us (I am the less educated one here), most people assume that we will be strict “Chinese” parents who will not tolerate anything other than absolute perfection from our son Winston.
As someone who has been in an academic institution his entire life up to now, Michael perhaps pays more attention to academics than anyone else. Therefore, it is not surprising that he endorses some aspects of the Chinese parents. He often comments on how another friend of mine has spoiled his kids too much, which seems to suggest that he wants to be a strict father. However, based on my observation, Michael does not have the heart to be a strict parent. If Winston does not want to lie down to get his diaper changed, Michael will empty his pockets to produce his iPhone, car keys, digital camera to amuse him. Basically, if he has anything that could amuse Winston, he will give it to him. After a couple of days like that, I finally said no to it, and told Winston as I pressed him down on his diaper changing pad “you are getting your diaper changed whether or not you cry.” - Sure enough, after a few times, Winston decided that it was pointless to put up a fight as I always ended up winning. Now he happily lies down on the diaper changing pad and sticks up his chubby legs to have his diaper changed.
As for me, I often do not practice what I preach. When people ask me what kind of parent I want to be and whether I will drive Winston to be as successful as possible, I tell them honestly what I think, “ I do not need Winston to be more successful than I am. If I want success, I will achieve it myself, as opposed to living through my son vicariously. In addition, that is too much pressure on a kid if he has to make his mother’s unfulfilled dreams come true. But I want Winston to be happier than I am. Beyond that, I just want him to be able to support himself financially and make a living.” After hearing my utterly sincere answer, my friends would roll their eyes and say, “yeah, right. I doubt that you will be that relaxed!”
In summary, Michael wants to be a Chinese parent, but he can’t; I want to be a western parent, but perhaps I can’t either. Winston will grow up under the conflicting influences of his self-conflicting parents – that in itself is a huge challenge for him!
Needless to say, since Michael and I both went to Harvard, and we have 3 doctorate degrees between the two of us (I am the less educated one here), most people assume that we will be strict “Chinese” parents who will not tolerate anything other than absolute perfection from our son Winston.
As someone who has been in an academic institution his entire life up to now, Michael perhaps pays more attention to academics than anyone else. Therefore, it is not surprising that he endorses some aspects of the Chinese parents. He often comments on how another friend of mine has spoiled his kids too much, which seems to suggest that he wants to be a strict father. However, based on my observation, Michael does not have the heart to be a strict parent. If Winston does not want to lie down to get his diaper changed, Michael will empty his pockets to produce his iPhone, car keys, digital camera to amuse him. Basically, if he has anything that could amuse Winston, he will give it to him. After a couple of days like that, I finally said no to it, and told Winston as I pressed him down on his diaper changing pad “you are getting your diaper changed whether or not you cry.” - Sure enough, after a few times, Winston decided that it was pointless to put up a fight as I always ended up winning. Now he happily lies down on the diaper changing pad and sticks up his chubby legs to have his diaper changed.
As for me, I often do not practice what I preach. When people ask me what kind of parent I want to be and whether I will drive Winston to be as successful as possible, I tell them honestly what I think, “ I do not need Winston to be more successful than I am. If I want success, I will achieve it myself, as opposed to living through my son vicariously. In addition, that is too much pressure on a kid if he has to make his mother’s unfulfilled dreams come true. But I want Winston to be happier than I am. Beyond that, I just want him to be able to support himself financially and make a living.” After hearing my utterly sincere answer, my friends would roll their eyes and say, “yeah, right. I doubt that you will be that relaxed!”
In summary, Michael wants to be a Chinese parent, but he can’t; I want to be a western parent, but perhaps I can’t either. Winston will grow up under the conflicting influences of his self-conflicting parents – that in itself is a huge challenge for him!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Winston loves...
Among other things, Winston loves...
performing tricks at Pottery Barn Kids
talking on his iPhone
playing in his playpen
brushing his teeth
reading
and his purple blanket.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Family vs. Partnership
Today we had lunch with Michael’s colleague, who mentioned how nice it was to have her nuclear family back together for the holidays as her kids are now grown-up and living elsewhere.
Suddenly, I felt that I could picture the day when Winston is off to college, leaving an empty house behind. Well, the house is not empty, as Michael and I will still be here just like before Winston’s birth. But it will not feel the same as a family.
It was then and there that I realized the difference between a family and a partnership. Before kids, a family is not really a family – it’s more like a partnership. A kid completes a family. After a kid’s departure to college, the family kind of goes back to a partnership. When Winston grows up, one of these days, he will feel that his nuclear family is no longer his parents, but his own family, with his own kids, even though in my view (if I am still alive then), he remains the core part of my nuclear family.
My heart already aches a little bit from this thought...
Suddenly, I felt that I could picture the day when Winston is off to college, leaving an empty house behind. Well, the house is not empty, as Michael and I will still be here just like before Winston’s birth. But it will not feel the same as a family.
It was then and there that I realized the difference between a family and a partnership. Before kids, a family is not really a family – it’s more like a partnership. A kid completes a family. After a kid’s departure to college, the family kind of goes back to a partnership. When Winston grows up, one of these days, he will feel that his nuclear family is no longer his parents, but his own family, with his own kids, even though in my view (if I am still alive then), he remains the core part of my nuclear family.
My heart already aches a little bit from this thought...
Goodbye 2010
It is really the last day of 2010 now. I made an “end of year resolution” and how did I do?
No. 1 - I have written more blogs than 2009. Check.
No. 2 – I have filed the lawsuit, which was a cumbersome and annoying process. Ironic that this unpleasant matter could somehow give me a sense of accomplishment. Everyone who has heard my story about this real estate agency has been horrified to learn such people exist. I also filed a complaint with the San Diego Association of Realtors. So check this item as well.
No.3 – I have done fairly well, I think. I lost my temper once, but generally I have focused on things that do matter.
So my “End of the Year Resolutions” worked!
Now can I say a happy goodbye to 2010 then? What major events have happened in 2010?
1) My company was acquired in early 2010, with most people considering it a success, although it fell short of my expectation.
2) Winston turned 1 year old, with a great birthday party hosted by David. And he's looking healthy, happy and strong.
3) We moved into our nice and sunny house near Stanford.
4) I am starting a new company.
They all sound pretty good, but the following happened as well:
1) The nanny who started in November 2009 left all of a sudden in June, which led poor Winston to go through my parents-in-law, my mother, and another 3 nannies in a matter of 2 months.
2) I went through 2 months of househunting in the peninsula area, which was tiresome – that was before we got the Stanford house eventually.
3) My attempt to start a new company right after the first one did not take off immediately, and I was feeling down for a while.
4) The stress associated with two demanding careers and being new parents to a baby boy that seems too perfect to be true have led to a lot of arguments between me and Michael.
Overall, I have come to understand and appreciate what the writer/architect Lin Huiyin famously said, “Life is all about experiencing all kinds of things. We live to experience and feel."In that case, I feel content about 2010.
Right now, as I am writing a farewell note to the year 2010, Winston is fast asleep in his crib for his afternoon nap. He looks like an angel. He is an angel.
No. 1 - I have written more blogs than 2009. Check.
No. 2 – I have filed the lawsuit, which was a cumbersome and annoying process. Ironic that this unpleasant matter could somehow give me a sense of accomplishment. Everyone who has heard my story about this real estate agency has been horrified to learn such people exist. I also filed a complaint with the San Diego Association of Realtors. So check this item as well.
No.3 – I have done fairly well, I think. I lost my temper once, but generally I have focused on things that do matter.
So my “End of the Year Resolutions” worked!
Now can I say a happy goodbye to 2010 then? What major events have happened in 2010?
1) My company was acquired in early 2010, with most people considering it a success, although it fell short of my expectation.
2) Winston turned 1 year old, with a great birthday party hosted by David. And he's looking healthy, happy and strong.
3) We moved into our nice and sunny house near Stanford.
4) I am starting a new company.
They all sound pretty good, but the following happened as well:
1) The nanny who started in November 2009 left all of a sudden in June, which led poor Winston to go through my parents-in-law, my mother, and another 3 nannies in a matter of 2 months.
2) I went through 2 months of househunting in the peninsula area, which was tiresome – that was before we got the Stanford house eventually.
3) My attempt to start a new company right after the first one did not take off immediately, and I was feeling down for a while.
4) The stress associated with two demanding careers and being new parents to a baby boy that seems too perfect to be true have led to a lot of arguments between me and Michael.
Overall, I have come to understand and appreciate what the writer/architect Lin Huiyin famously said, “Life is all about experiencing all kinds of things. We live to experience and feel."In that case, I feel content about 2010.
Right now, as I am writing a farewell note to the year 2010, Winston is fast asleep in his crib for his afternoon nap. He looks like an angel. He is an angel.
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