Less than a week after my mom returned to China, I have realized that it's a mistake to not have full-time live-in help even though Winston is attending daycare full-time (in theory).
First, he was sick from a terrible stomach flu the day after my mom left. Even with both Michael and myself, I felt that it was not enough, and I caught it as well for a day.
Second, even after Winston recovered, Michael told me that this mere week after my mom's departure was making him feel behind in his work, because he had to help with Winston for about an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. Of course, the next day, he said that he felt ahead because he just got a new grant.
Third, the part-time nanny selection turned out to be worse than I had anticipated. I figure that I might as well send Winston to daycare 3 days a week, and have a nanny take care of him the other days so that Winston can go to the many parks nearby to get enough exercise and air.
Therefore the new decision is to get a live-in nanny for Tuesday to Saturday and send Winston to daycare 3 days a week - well this nanny will have to be good at housework like cooking and cleaning as well! I will see if I can find anyone satisfactory.
Indeed, as I was commiserating with another friend, I could not see how others can handle more than one kid, since this one alone is making me feel that I am barely able to focus on anything else! - And I am still making more and more mistakes!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Mistakes
I have been feeling that I made a big mistake of starting Winston in daycare at around age 2, ever since he started daycare. Maybe part of the reason is that this place is not exactly that great. Initially the selling point is that it is supposedly bi-lingual. I figured that this way I could ease him into an all-English school later, if necessary.
First of all, he was bored to death at this place, as he is the oldest in his group. Second, the place is so small and the yard so tiny that in terms of physical exercise he is getting perhaps a fraction of what he used to. Third, he has only been able to attend half of the time, because the rest of the time he has been sick at home with either a terrible cold or a severe case of stomach flu, which he still has even at this moment! Now that another preschool has an opening in July, I have decided to switch him there. Of course, even if the hygiene condition there is better, he will still catch more upper respiratory infections there than if he is kept at home.
When I make mistakes, I feel awful. That feeling can in turn cloud my judgment and somehow lead to more mistakes. Today under my watch, Winston fell from the kitchen counter. I should never have allowed him to stand up there, and obviously should have been holding onto him if I did decide to indulge his fascination with kitchen cabinets. All this happened while I was absent-minded due to the search for part-time help.
Should I keep him at home? Or should I continue to send him to daycare? I wish that there could be a right answer out there.
At the end of the day, perhaps as one of my friends said, any of these choices is fine for his sake, while perhaps none of them is perfect. Maybe seeking the "right answer" in reality is a pursuit of perfection, which in itself is a mistake.
First of all, he was bored to death at this place, as he is the oldest in his group. Second, the place is so small and the yard so tiny that in terms of physical exercise he is getting perhaps a fraction of what he used to. Third, he has only been able to attend half of the time, because the rest of the time he has been sick at home with either a terrible cold or a severe case of stomach flu, which he still has even at this moment! Now that another preschool has an opening in July, I have decided to switch him there. Of course, even if the hygiene condition there is better, he will still catch more upper respiratory infections there than if he is kept at home.
When I make mistakes, I feel awful. That feeling can in turn cloud my judgment and somehow lead to more mistakes. Today under my watch, Winston fell from the kitchen counter. I should never have allowed him to stand up there, and obviously should have been holding onto him if I did decide to indulge his fascination with kitchen cabinets. All this happened while I was absent-minded due to the search for part-time help.
Should I keep him at home? Or should I continue to send him to daycare? I wish that there could be a right answer out there.
At the end of the day, perhaps as one of my friends said, any of these choices is fine for his sake, while perhaps none of them is perfect. Maybe seeking the "right answer" in reality is a pursuit of perfection, which in itself is a mistake.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Blues
My mom left to go back to Beijing this morning. The sky is gray outside, and it is rainy, windy and chilly. Or maybe the weather is not really that bad, but it just feels so to me.
The two months went by so quickly from the day my mom arrived. At the beginning I was concentrating on getting her familiarized with everything, and getting ready for my business trip. Once I came back, Winston was suffering from a bad cold and it took a whole week for him to recover. Then he had his two weeks of daycare, followed by another two weeks of illness. We took a 3-day trip to Seattle during Michael's conference, and it was utterly exhausting for everyone - maybe with the exception of Winston.
So two months went by quickly, and I don't have any sense of accomplishment over the two months. I am still questioning the wisdom of sending Winston to daycare at such an early age. I am still wondering if I should keep sending him to this place until the end of June, when I will be switching him to another place. The work front is moving slowly, which is frustrating. I still have to find domestic help and I never doing that. All in all, it's as if the past two months went by without serving the purpose of transitioning Winston to daycare where he can learn things that he otherwise cannot easily learn at home. My planning was obviously highly flawed.
Looking out of the window, I am feeling the blues.
The two months went by so quickly from the day my mom arrived. At the beginning I was concentrating on getting her familiarized with everything, and getting ready for my business trip. Once I came back, Winston was suffering from a bad cold and it took a whole week for him to recover. Then he had his two weeks of daycare, followed by another two weeks of illness. We took a 3-day trip to Seattle during Michael's conference, and it was utterly exhausting for everyone - maybe with the exception of Winston.
So two months went by quickly, and I don't have any sense of accomplishment over the two months. I am still questioning the wisdom of sending Winston to daycare at such an early age. I am still wondering if I should keep sending him to this place until the end of June, when I will be switching him to another place. The work front is moving slowly, which is frustrating. I still have to find domestic help and I never doing that. All in all, it's as if the past two months went by without serving the purpose of transitioning Winston to daycare where he can learn things that he otherwise cannot easily learn at home. My planning was obviously highly flawed.
Looking out of the window, I am feeling the blues.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Taking Care of Ourselves First
One of my friends once wisely told me, "the only way for us to take good care of others is to take care of ourselves first."
She spoke from personal experience. When I reflect on her words, I think I understand them more than I can communicate with words here. Sometimes, when we do things because we feel we must do them as otherwise we will feel bad, or when we don't do things because we think we should not do them, we end up accumulating stress to a point that we lose perspective on what is most important. We end up losing temper over trifles, which in any case would be a silly thing to do. But had we pampered ourselves without the obvious connection to "preventing a bad outcome that no one had the crystal ball to foresee), we could not possibly defend it with vigorous reasoning in advance.
Hence the vicious cycle. When we finally realized that we should have stuck to our grounds on certain things that would meet our needs, the bad consequence already occurred.
Therefore, no wonder most people don't do it, because it is really difficult to practice it. Guilt, self-doubt, uncertainty or just plain wishful thinking that perhaps things would turn out okay even if the odds were against it make us victims on multiple fronts.
Can I manage to be a slightly wiser woman after listening to my friend, without having to go through the same experience she did to gain that wisdom?
She spoke from personal experience. When I reflect on her words, I think I understand them more than I can communicate with words here. Sometimes, when we do things because we feel we must do them as otherwise we will feel bad, or when we don't do things because we think we should not do them, we end up accumulating stress to a point that we lose perspective on what is most important. We end up losing temper over trifles, which in any case would be a silly thing to do. But had we pampered ourselves without the obvious connection to "preventing a bad outcome that no one had the crystal ball to foresee), we could not possibly defend it with vigorous reasoning in advance.
Hence the vicious cycle. When we finally realized that we should have stuck to our grounds on certain things that would meet our needs, the bad consequence already occurred.
Therefore, no wonder most people don't do it, because it is really difficult to practice it. Guilt, self-doubt, uncertainty or just plain wishful thinking that perhaps things would turn out okay even if the odds were against it make us victims on multiple fronts.
Can I manage to be a slightly wiser woman after listening to my friend, without having to go through the same experience she did to gain that wisdom?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Teachers
William Arthur Ward once said, "The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires."
For most of us, the teachers in our lives consist of not only teachers from school, but also our family and friends as well as books and other forms of media, as we intuitively and sub-consciously learn from the context in which we live.
It must be difficult to be a parent, as a parent is the single most important teacher to the child. However, as I ponder over the role of teaching, I cannot help but want to modify the observation from Ward. After all, we need teachers who tell as it is when necessary, who explain when we are puzzled, who demonstrate the personal values and principles, and who can inspire us to do great things when we are ready for such inspiration. We need teachers that cover the entire gamut.
For most of us, the teachers in our lives consist of not only teachers from school, but also our family and friends as well as books and other forms of media, as we intuitively and sub-consciously learn from the context in which we live.
It must be difficult to be a parent, as a parent is the single most important teacher to the child. However, as I ponder over the role of teaching, I cannot help but want to modify the observation from Ward. After all, we need teachers who tell as it is when necessary, who explain when we are puzzled, who demonstrate the personal values and principles, and who can inspire us to do great things when we are ready for such inspiration. We need teachers that cover the entire gamut.
Beautiful Days
The weather has been so nice lately. On the drive on HWY 280, I cannot help but admire the rolling green hills. At times like this, I do understand why it is so expensive to live in this area.
Since Winston started daycare, my mom has more time in the day. She will go back to Beijing at the end of this month, and therefore I am trying to take her to various places for sightseeing and for meals. She is not exactly too adventurous when it comes to foreign cuisines, but she likes Italian and Korean food.
Yesterday we walked from home to the Stanford Dish, and we both enjoyed the panoramic view from the top of the hill. Today we are going to get Korean food. Sometimes when I wake up before dawn because Winston made some noises, I would suddenly have all the fears in my life rush into my brain at the same time, one of which would be about my mom. She is getting old, with lower energy level, less physical and mental capacity overall. One of my fears would be the tremendous guilt I would feel after my mother's death, to think that I have not done enough for her, and to recall the times when I could have made her really happy with just a little more effort.
Is it possible to live a life without any regret or guilt?
Since Winston started daycare, my mom has more time in the day. She will go back to Beijing at the end of this month, and therefore I am trying to take her to various places for sightseeing and for meals. She is not exactly too adventurous when it comes to foreign cuisines, but she likes Italian and Korean food.
Yesterday we walked from home to the Stanford Dish, and we both enjoyed the panoramic view from the top of the hill. Today we are going to get Korean food. Sometimes when I wake up before dawn because Winston made some noises, I would suddenly have all the fears in my life rush into my brain at the same time, one of which would be about my mom. She is getting old, with lower energy level, less physical and mental capacity overall. One of my fears would be the tremendous guilt I would feel after my mother's death, to think that I have not done enough for her, and to recall the times when I could have made her really happy with just a little more effort.
Is it possible to live a life without any regret or guilt?
Monday, May 2, 2011
Favorites
One of my friends wrote me out of the blue on how desperately in love she was with her younger son. I asked her what happened, and it was just a look that the little boy gave her when she dropped him off at school.
I met both her boys, and the older one is just as cute. She said that the little one just was more attached to her and love was a two-way street after all. She knew that it was not a good idea for parents to have favorites, but she just could not help it.
Indeed as far as I can see, I do not know of a family with multiple kids that did not struggle with the issue of "favorites", perceived or real. It is certainly impossible for a perfect fairness to be established, for that criterion itself is an arbitrary one.
I recall reading about the Chinese writer Qian Zhongshu telling his wife how they should just not have more kids after their daughter as they might like the younger ones more, which would hurt their daughter's feelings.
When I mentioned to my mom how there were so many needy orphans in China and if it were not too much trouble (indeed I blush to admit that I am no Mother Teresa) I would adopt one, she immediately told me that she would only pay attention to Winston. She already jokingly refers to him as "a little prince", and I can only imagine how much more she would favor him to another "adopted" kid.
I met both her boys, and the older one is just as cute. She said that the little one just was more attached to her and love was a two-way street after all. She knew that it was not a good idea for parents to have favorites, but she just could not help it.
Indeed as far as I can see, I do not know of a family with multiple kids that did not struggle with the issue of "favorites", perceived or real. It is certainly impossible for a perfect fairness to be established, for that criterion itself is an arbitrary one.
I recall reading about the Chinese writer Qian Zhongshu telling his wife how they should just not have more kids after their daughter as they might like the younger ones more, which would hurt their daughter's feelings.
When I mentioned to my mom how there were so many needy orphans in China and if it were not too much trouble (indeed I blush to admit that I am no Mother Teresa) I would adopt one, she immediately told me that she would only pay attention to Winston. She already jokingly refers to him as "a little prince", and I can only imagine how much more she would favor him to another "adopted" kid.
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