Working Women

I had lunch with some friends today, all of them working women. Among the four us, for college degrees, we have two from Harvard, one from Caltech, and one from Peking University – supposedly the Harvard of China; for Ph.D. Degrees, two are from Berkeley, one is from MIT and one from Stanford. What did we discuss vigorously for almost two hours? We spent 95% of the time discussing our respective issues, concerns and frustrations with kids, with the rest of time on our observations or wishful thinking regarding the husbands. At the end of the discussion, one of them said, "now kids occupy at least half of my brain. I guess men don't have such discussions. " The other said, "it's not that they don't care. But they really don't care at the same level." 

It reminded me of a blog forwarded to me by a friend at Google, which apparently is widely read at Google - http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2012/09/14/how-to-plan-a-career-in-your-20s-to-stay-home-with-kids-in-your-30s/. According to a latest survey, 84% of working women would prefer to stay home if they can afford it. Then the author went into a discussion on which Myers Briggs personality types would prefer not to stay home, while singling out ENFJ as the type that has the hardest time with both career and kids, because they want to do well at work like men, and raise kids as well as devoted housewives. 

Come to think of it, the phenomenon of working women is just a few decades old. No wonder there is so much discussion on-line and off-line on topics related to working women with family. It is a modern challenge. 

Movies and Actresses

I saw the movie "J. Edgar" yesterday. Since it's a Clint Eastwood movie, naturally it has a message to deliver for our times. And the message is obvious. Clint Eastwood must be a die-hard Democrat. 

Leonardo DiCaprio was phenomenal. He's come a long way from being the hearthrob in "Titanic" to a very unattractive middle-aged J. Edgar Hoover in "J. Edgar". Naomi Watts and Judi Dench played his secretary and his mother, respectively, which made me wonder - are American actresses so bad at speaking American English that they have to hire Australian and British actresses to fake an American accent? 

Indeed, when I think about it, while there have been phenomenal American actors, most of the impressive actresses (in my opinion) are not American – Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson, Kiera Knightley, etc. The one exception is Meryl Streep. The other day, I happened to have caught a glimpse of her in "Sophie's Choice" - it was so heart-breaking that I had to turn it off. I have never been able to watch that movie in completion, because it's made to feel too real. 

What other movies did I see recently? - The new version of "Jane Eyre" which I found incredibly boring. I think it's time people stop remaking "Jane Eyre" or "Pride and Prejudice". 

Playdates For Winston?

I have often been a delinquent mother for Winston. My delinquency manifests itself in many ways. I did not want to go through an extended struggle with his potty training, so I waited until the last possible minute to train him, making him the oldest kid in his class. Even now, he has to poop standing up, which means that he will let me know that he wants to poop, and I will put on a diaper on him so that he can poop. I have not trained him to eat all kinds of vegetables and meat, which means that his diet is still very narrow in scope, which perhaps contributes to his periodic constipation. I have not taught him anything since hiring a part-time nanny who takes him out after dinner every day to the nearby elementary school, where for all I know he could just be walking around doing nothing while the nanny chats on the phone. 

But I have certainly been good at arranging playdates for him. I have a playdate almost every weekend arranged for him. It's often with friends of mine who happen to have kids of similar age. Today we had another one. The kids did not really play together that much. Winston certainly did not play with anyone, but he was happy to be around a lot of people. The other kids did play together at times. I then made the observation that I perhaps arranged these playdates for myself really – so that I could have a chance to chat with my friends when the kids are presumably socializing. I do pay constant attention to Winston, but I also have fun chatting with friends. There is a reason why I have never scheduled any playdates with Winston's classmates – it would then be entirely for Winston. 

Of course, I then tell myself that Winston already spends 5 days a week with these classmates, in which case there is more reason for him to be exposed to other kids and other adults on the weekends! 

There is no limit to how much human beings can rationalize behaviors and choices in the best way imaginable. That is human nature. 

The London Olympics

This year has been very low-key and melancholy. For one thing, the Olympics came and went, and I can hardly remember what happened.  But wait a second – that is the Olympics that happens only once every four years!!!

I did not watch either the opening or the closing ceremonies. Presumably they were fine but not earth-shattering. It was okay to miss them. While Michael Phelps astonished the world at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, no one did at the London games. Sure, Michael Phelps added to his gold medal  count and became the person with the most Olympic gold medals in history. But somehow no one was impressed with him. In fact, if he had repeated another eight gold medals, people would not have been terribly impressed, let alone falling short of that goal. 

So what do I remember about the London Olympics? I remember some interesting gymnastic moves. Oh, Winston got a fake gold medal at school, and I asked him, "is that your gold medal?" He naturally said, "yes." I asked him, "Is that for team competition or individual all-around." "Individual all-around." I tried to suppress my laughs and continued my questioning, "is that for diving or gymnastics?" "Gymnastics." His way of answering a question with choices is to choose the latter one, as presumably it's easier for him to remember the pronunciation. 

Finally, I asked him, "is it from the world championship or the Olympics?" Of course, he said, "Olympics." 

So that's what I remember best about the London Olympics. 

A Weekend Near Santa Barbara

In my effort to keep up a record of life in general, I have been terribly delinquent. Indeed as one of my friends wisely said regarding a life with young kids, "the days are long but the years are short." Suddenly, Winston is transitioning into the next class at his daycare center, and the summer of 2012 is almost over. 

We took a weekend trip to a resort ranch near Santa Barbara, mostly to meet up with friends who also have kids. We left the day after Winston was seen by a pediatrician for a 3-day long fever that just would not go away. I was rendered distraught again (you would think that after so many illnesses of Winston's I would be emotionally immune but I am not). Still, we decided to go since there was not anything else we could do for him except for to watch over him carefully. He was holding onto this purple blanket the whole time so he was fairly content. He took a short nap in the car and was generally quiet, perhaps due to lack of energy. The resort ranch provided food, and therefore it was one of those destinations meant for really lazy people. There was no cell phone coverage where the ranch is, but when we drove to nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang certainly we could access email and cell phone.  The rooms and cabins were modest and sufficient but nothing fancy. The two friends who joined us there from San Diego were really fun-loving. One has an 8-year old boy whose appetite is nothing short of a miracle, with his energy level even more so. The other has a 7-year old girl who adored Winston and insisted that he's her favorite boy. When asked if she wanted a baby sister or brother, she said that she wanted a baby brother just like Winston. Fortunately for her, her mother is expecting a baby boy.

There was not much to do there. The older kids went horseback riding. There is a swimming pool, and nearby Santa Barbara and Solvang are fine places to visit perhaps once in one's life time. Excitement would not be the right word for this place, but I had loads of fun. We ate the delicious home-made food at the dining hall with friends, and we played cards late into the night while the kids were asleep. 

Winston kind of just roamed around. He's too young for horseback riding, and he's not interested in learning to swim. He still has this unhealthy fascination with doors, but he's also talking to people which was lovely. Sometimes when I look at him, I am amazed by how utterly oblivious he is to the fact that he's just divinely funny and cute. 

Marissa Mayer vs. Anne-Marie Slaughter

Anne-Marie Slaughter's article in the Atlantic "Why Women Still Can't Have it All" unleashed a lot of debates. She's certainly been very successful in her line of work, and she sensibly advocates for policy change to accommodate the challenge of motherhood. But  she also makes it clear that perhaps there is no real substitute for a mother at certain points of a kid's life. With some kids, it may be at the infant stage if the kid is premature or has some health issues. With others, it may be during the difficult teenage years as in Anne-Marie Slaughter's case. Those who completely outsource their kids to others or simply delegate them to grandparents sometimes have great luck in which case their delegates do a great job of raising the kids, as in the case of Katharine Graham's own parents. Well, let me qualify that statement by saying that Katharine Graham has turned out phenomenal, with her own siblings having various issues in their lives with their parents. But more often than not, these parents find themselves regretting later in life when the kids practically tell them that it's their fault not to have been there. 

Almost soon afterwards, we read about the high-profile appointment of Marissa Mayer as CEO of Yahoo!. Her first baby is due this October, and she made a point of telling the public that she will hardly take any time off and work through the maternity leave. That of course has elicited a lot of discussion, with some criticizing her for sending the wrong message, some applauding her courage, and still others wondering if she knows what she is going through. 

As for myself, I find myself feeling a bit ambivalent about Marissa Mayer's message. On the one hand, it is totally her own business how much time she wants to take off after giving birth, and surely she can afford the world's best nannies and housekeepers to do a much better job than she can in terms of childcare and housework. On the other hand, I feel slightly frustrated. 

I feel frustrated because sometimes I find myself compared to women who are struggling with a full-time job while taking care of two kids mostly by themselves, with hardly any hired help. Of course these women never think of comparing themselves to Marissa Mayer, because they know that they will never be promoted as fast as their male colleagues whose wives are also taking a slow pace at work. 

But I also feel frustrated because most other times I find myself compared (subconsciously or by lectures from others) to successful women like Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg, who of course are utterly amazing in their careers and have made it before they encounter motherhood. It would seem that I should be able to leave my son behind for extended period of time without worrying, but my nanny got paid a fraction of the super nannies of the rich, who presumably are not only incredibly experienced but also willing to go beyond the call of the duty if for no other reason but the ridiculously high salary. And by the way, my nanny got paid even a little higher than the average. But the key word is "average". 

Therefore, I have to say that Anne-Marie Slaughter does send the right message in her article in that she makes it clear that it is not a good idea to compare point by point what a super successful woman can do with her family after she's become super successful.  The fact that Marissa Mayer will plan to take very little time off is amazing, but the amazing part is due to her making it to the top of the corporate echelon. That is not something that anyone can accomplish. As she can afford the world's best team of nannies, nurses, tutors, child psychologists and housekeepers, perhaps the first few years of her kid's life should turn out better than most without her being around as much. In fact, these early advantages may prevent the troubles that Anne-Marie Slaughter's kids went through in their teenage years. After all, when her kids were little, she was working perhaps as hard as Marissa Mayer, but without the millions to afford a world-class professional team for the kids. 

Aging Gracefully

A while ago, a friend told me that her father was in critical condition at the hospital. Although he did recover from the worst of it, he has remained in poor health and even poorer spirit since. 

Then another friend spent several agonizing days waiting around at the hospital while her mother was doubling up in pain due to kidney stones. 

Several friends saw their parents pass in recent years. 

I called my mom up and urged her to take a vacation trip abroad this summer. My reasoning? Well, do everything you want to do NOW before it is too late. As usual, she gets the message, and immediately booked a trip to Denmark, Norway, Sweden and Finland. She would have wanted to go to England except that there are no tours available until after the London Olympics.  So next year she plans to take a trip to England. In between, she will take some shorter trips. On most days, she does housework,  runs errands, exercises, sees friends, goes to concerts and movies and tutors math a few times a week. She said that she had never been happier in her life until now. 

Aging gracefully can only happen if one can avoid the disgraceful consequence of constant sickness. 

From Eugene Meyer to Woody Allen

The other day, I opened up one of my favorite books for a re-read – Katharine Graham's "Personal History". She came from a distinguished family. Her father Eugene Meyer was a prominent businessman before he went into public service.  

While he was searching for his way after college, he came upon a book "The Map of Life" by William Edward Hartpole Lecky that suggested that "a man's life should be planned as a single whole in which each stage would be a prologue to the stage that followed". He then mapped out such a plan for himself, with the first 20 years assigned to education the second 20 years allocated to growth and experimentation, during which he will earn a living and start a family. The third 20 years will be devoted to public service, with him retiring at age 60 to age gracefully and help young people. Eventually he did live largely according to plan, until the age of 83.

There is a reason why reading this part the first time over a decade ago did not leave any lasting impression – I was too busy to really pause and think. Now that I am thinking, I realize that perhaps we all should have such a plan. As people live longer now and education takes longer, perhaps we should divide up our life in 25-year chunks instead of 20-year chunks. My own formal schooling did not end until I was 28 years old, and that's an average age for anyone who wants an advanced degree, not to mention the additional training required if one wants to get into academia. Based on this plan, I have less than a decade left for this "growth and experimentation" phase of my life! 

Of course everyone has different goals, interests and priorities and therefore each person's "plan" is different. For example, Woody Allen is 76 years old and is still making funny and romantic movies. Obviously for a genius like him, to go into public service will be an utter waste of his talent, so I hope that he makes movies all the way to the end, which could be another 20 years from now! 

In a documentary film on him, he was asked by some European reporters whether his viewpoints on death had changed over the years (considering that he showcased through his characters an excessive fear of death). He deadpans, "no, it has not changed. I am still completely against it." 

He portrayed a retired music industry executive who equated retirement to death in his latest movie "To Rome With Love", and I suppose that to the delight of all of us die-hard Woody Allen fans, it means that he will never retire. In his life there will be only two phases – the first 20 years learning to be a comedian and film-maker, and the rest devoted to films. 

My Un-scientific Experiment

If I had any remaining doubt that health really is the most important thing in life, the past few weeks have certainly eliminated that residual doubt. I was starting to feel lucky that Winston was disease free for over a month and did not catch the hand foot and mouth disease that apparently found its way to his daycare center, when he started having a pink eye followed by a lingering cold. Soon afterwards, he ran into the desk in the office and got a huge laceration on his forehead. Just when I thought that it was time for his cold to go away, he came down with a high fever and was diagnosed with a bacterial infection. A week into his antibiotics regimen, he came down with another cold with a racking cough. Needless to say, I have been rendered almost schizophrenic. 

As a scientist by training, I started looking for answers to his getting sick more often than others.  And precisely because I have been a scientist by training, I know all too well how insufficient science has been to answer questions about disease, health and immunity. What works for some people may not work for others, and of course strictly controlled experiments can never be carried out. Even if they could, they become meaningless precisely because they are too controlled and don't reflect the real life situation. Suffice to say that I have decided to carry on some experiments with an effort to improve Winston's health.  For now I am going to switch Winston to a diary free diet – I will not be military about it but he will not be drinking 20 ounce of milk plus 2 or 3 yogurt cups any more. Also, I gave him Manuka honey for the past two days and miraculously his cold is improving at a much faster pace than usual. Of course I could be hallucinating due to wishful thinking. Still, I feel that I have some actions to take for the next month or so to see if my little boy will benefit from this latest uncontrolled experiment. 

What I have noticed about scientists in general is their near religious belief in science. The fact that science cannot answer many questions does not seem to instill doubt in their minds when they don't see a proof that a certain regimen could lead to health benefits for certain people. Now isn't that unscientific? If we don't understand something, it does not mean that it is not true. It simply means that it MAY not be true. Somehow many scientists forget about it, and forget about the fact that there are always exceptions to the rule as well. 

Traditional Chinese medicine is perhaps the closest thing to personalized medicine, and surely the field is messy. Have there been miracles? Yes. Has  there been disappointment? Yes. In the case of miracles, it is personalized medicine done at its best without the practitioner understanding the scientific basis. In the case of disappointment, it is the practitioner trying to over-apply something that has only worked for a few people. 

In the case of Winston, I don't care to find out any scientific basis. I just want to find out whatever that works for him. 

Typical Chinese Parents

I have observed a lot of Chinese parents whose mere presence makes everyone around them very unhappy. Their grown-up kids are almost without exception quite unhappy with them, while feeling guilty about having such feelings. I have been wondering, if one is unlucky enough to have such parents or marry into a family with such parents, what should one do?

A friend of mine suggested open discussion and serious dialogue. Communication is always my favored approach, except that it requires the other party to cooperate and participate, instead of saying "I don't want to talk about it", or simply a passive-aggressive face that shows that no communication would be useful. I guess the bottom line is that they are so set in their ways and so convinced that they are right that eventually everyone will give up talking with them. Of course when everyone gives up, they hear no more serious challenge and therefore naturally believe that it means that they must be right.

I look at my own mother, and try to figure out her secrets. She is from an older generation and of course she has different views and opinions about many things. She also has different habits. So what is it that she does that is different from the other Chinese parents?

In the end, I realize that it can be summed up in one word - perspective. Without having to read any books or learn from any guru, she has developed the wisdom of life, which is different from both street smart and book smart.

Most Chinese parents lack perspective in a way that makes them look comical:

- They are often super stingy and save every penny, even though their boring lives could really benefit from some periodic indulgences, which may actually get them in a better mood than the one they are frequently in when they launch into another complaint about their kids. My mom is very thrifty and never wastes money, but she never spends time worrying about cost if she's getting something that she wants, as long as she can afford it. She never goes around and around to look for the best deals as she prefers to spend her time doing much more fun things, or gets upset if she finds out that she has bought something that she could have bought at a much lower price. In summary, she is the boss of her money, instead of the slave as many Chinese parents are.

- They volunteer to help their kids with the grandchildren and then accuse the kids of being ungrateful whenever there is any friction or disagreement. Indeed, taking care of babies is a lot of work. I certainly know that myself. I would certainly say "no thank you" if someone tells me openly, "well, I would like to help you with housework and childcare. The condition is that I can do or say whatever I like, and I am in general very disagreeable." In fact, that's what a lot of Chinese parents should have said to their kids during the discussion on such topics. Instead, they say nothing up front, and feel indignant if their kids fight with them just because of a few toxic comments. My mom is very clear that she and I have different opinions and different habits, and therefore she is only willing to help me in the first few months after Winston's birth or when Winston was in transition between nannies and daycare. She is very clear that only when she's happy can she be of help to me. In other words, she is very clear about what I most need from her - her happiness first, followed by her help, as otherwise her help would just be toxic burden for me. That shows that she truly cares for me, in that she does not project onto me what I should need, but what I truly need. Since she's thoroughly enjoying her life right now in Beijing, I also feel happy because of her. That is why I wonder why other Chinese parents are not doing what my mom does (i.e. just live their own lives and be happy so that everyone else can be happier). Instead, they make themselves unhappy by supporting their kids with childcare or financial assistance, all the while feeling even more unhappy.

- They seem to care too much about what others think, but as a result have paradoxically become even more selfish. It is always about "face". They do a lot of things because "otherwise so and so will be unhappy", or "otherwise what would people think of us?" As a result, they are super demanding and appear utterly selfish. My mom is truly independent in that she lives in a way that's best for her, and her happiness has enabled her to be more generous and giving. She does not care if she is considered "abnormal" if she has no interest eating out with some people or joining a party. She does not care if she does not do something that everyone else does. She does not care if people think that a divorced mother of two must be miserable. She does not care if others think that she is not doing something correctly. These other Chinese parents seem to care more about what others think than their own happiness. As a result, they are usually so unhappy that they have no capacity for love, consideration or forgiveness for their own family - they are too busy trying to cover up all the terrible things that they don't want others to see, without knowing that no one else pays that much attention to them.

I am truly grateful for having such a mother myself. She has taught me with her own example the importance of perspective. Unfortunately, I see around myself many people who are the unintentional products of their Chinese parents. And as we all know, old habits die hard. 

An Exceptional Leader

In general, I try to steer away from writing about work or any work related topics. I work in the biotech industry, and I travel in the Chinese life science circle. There are many people in my circle who have done great things or led interesting lives. I don't write about them because I don't want to get my personal life and professional life mixed up.

In that case, my personal investment is a personal topic. Michael and I invest in the stock market. In a way, perhaps one would say that due to my working in life sciences and him in biomedical research, we should be better at investing in biotech stocks than others. But no - the one stock we have the biggest unrealized loss is a biotech company Dendreon that he has studied in excruciating details.


I recall making an argument to him that is very well-known in business. First of all, we really don't know much about each company. Second, even when we study it to death, there is a lot of risks that are not even known to the insiders. Lastly, in business we all know the importance of leadership, and if the leadership of a company has not been stellar, there is even more reason to doubt its potential. Eventually people make the company sink or float, and if the leadership does not project credibility, no science or technology will compensate for it in the market place.

There is only one stock that I have spent more money than others, although now I wish that I had spent all the money that Michael invested in Dendreon to buy it. It is Wuxi Apptec. Due to my work, I have got to know many players including Wuxi in the Chinese outsourcing industry. Wuxi is undoubtedly the leader of its field. Of course, as the overall pharmaceutical industry is going through a hard time, the contract research organizations in China are also facing challenges. Still, despite all the contractions, Wuxi has remained the only big biotech investment from which I have realized gains as well as paper gains.

I don't pride myself on my investment wisdom. I don't have any by comparison to others. But I do go by my own argument in investing in a company where the leadership is strong. Wuxi Apptec has been led from its very first day by an extraordinary leader, Dr. Ge Li. Throughout the past decade, he has steered the company through its rapid expansion and transformation, utterly changing concepts of what a CRO can do in the context of pharmaceutical discovery and development.

Lately, there is a press release from Wuxi on a former junior employee being found out on stealing some compounds from a client company. Yes, it is bad press. But I applaud their courage to put out a press release, take responsibility and not shy away from discussing it. After reading it, I wrote an email to Ge, and mentioned how the only biotech stock that has made me a lot of money is Wuxi and how I wish that I had bought more of it - yes, I was flattering him a little, but perhaps I was just secretly chastizing my own husband! He graciously wrote back, and being extremely perceptive as always, he said, "thank you, my friend. I guess you are writing this email to show support for me and the company." He went on to talk about how he always wants to do the right thing even if it's difficult. Then he asked me about my son Winston.

I told him that Winston is doing okay, and hopefully he will have an easy life as his nanny said that a baby born at night during sleep time is destined to relax a lot and not have to work hard. "Ha ha, I was born at night..." he quipped. He is legendary for working hard and sleeping only 4 hours every day. Being a bit facetious, I wrote back, "It does not prove that my nanny's prediction is wrong, although she's got only a high school degree and never studied science. It only means that you are an exception."

Indeed, in many more ways than one, he is an exception. A totally exceptional leader. 

Twenty Years After Watching "Dead Poets Society"

If I have to name one movie that has influenced how I view life, it is "Dead Poets Society". More than two decades later, I still remember it fondly, and I still endorse its message. In fact, if anything, I endorse it more than before, as I now understand the nuance of the message.

It is no wonder that the young actors of the movie have since remained close friends, and in many ways, lived lives that are based on the message of the movie. It is no wonder that they identified to some extent with the characters they played, as they were also around 20 years old, just as I was, when I first watched the film in Beijing, utterly transfixed by it.

The other day, it was on TV, and I happened to have caught parts of it. If over twenty years ago I took away from the movie an excessively zealous message of "living life to the fullest to do something extraordinary", I now can see that Mr. Keating also advocates for a balance of daring and caution, a time for risk-taking and a time to retreat. Most importantly, he did not advocate being different for the sake of difference, or challenging authority for the sake of it, or even creativity for the sake of creativity. It is indeed about living your life deliberately, in a way that makes you feel most happy and fulfilled. Twenty years ago, I did not realize that - I thought that it was all about doing something great and being someone great. It turned out that I could not have been more wrong. It is about listening to others while thinking for yourself; it is about taking road less traveled because that really will make you happier; it is about staying cautious when your judgment tells you that you cannot afford a certain risk.

Overall, I now understand the movie much better. It is not telling us to treat everyone whom we consider pedestrian as if they were embodiment of Neil Perry's father. It is not telling us to abandon a more traditional path to pursue something wild - after all, even Neil made sure to get all As while preparing for the play. It is not telling us that we should do whatever we like, irrespective of the impact on others. It is simply telling us to do what we believe, when the only thing holding us back is our self doubt or fear of judgment by invisible people with no vested interest in us.

Yes, we should seize the day, even when we are 40 years old. Interestingly enough, I think the message of "carpe diem" is even more relevant for 40-year olds than 20-year olds. 

The Origin of Defensiveness

I have observed that the most defensive people often are at their MOST defensive in areas where they are actually weak or have self doubts, or they are to blame. But if you ask them, they will claim that they are most defensive because they are certain that they are right and everyone else is wrong.

All of us have moments of defensiveness. Sometimes we know that we were defensive moments later. Sometimes we don't know. Sometimes we still believe that we are right even afterwards, and it would take us months if not years later to realize that we were actually wrong.

Is it really because we feel so confident about ourselves that we get defensive about criticism? When I think about areas where I am absolutely confident, I realize that I don't get defensive in those areas. But I am not absolutely confident in many areas - I have a reasonable amount of confidence in several areas.

Indeed, we may get defensive about different things with different people, but the fundamental origin of defensiveness is the same. It is a sense of insecurity  - therefore subconsciously we take up a defensive position to protect our vulnerable egos. Had we had the confidence that accepting responsibility would only make us look better instead of worse, had we had the confidence that we can make ourselves understood with real dialogues, we would not have got defensive.

No wonder those who are less defensive are more successful at work, at home and in the society overall. It is a sign of maturity. 

Thoughts on "Bringing Up Bebe"

I consider myself fairly open-minded and willing to hear others' advice, so I read "Bringing Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman on why French parenting is superior. She's a good writer and it's an entertaining read. So let's go down the list of where the French kids are better...

First, the French kids can sleep through the night by 3 months. Winston slept through the night by the time he was 3 months old, although he was still swaddled. When I took him out of the swaddle around 6 months, I trained him over one night when he cried a total of 18 minutes before he fell asleep in his crib. By that measure, I am meeting the French standard. But I really think that is because I successfully took care of his mild acid reflux and was willing to medicate him with Zantac. Apparently many American parents would rather deal with the colic than to "poison" their kids with drugs. By that measure, I seem to be parenting the French way! But really, I did not make any special "French" effort mentioned in the book to train Winston on his sleep.

Second, the French kids don't snack constantly and parents don't have to bring cheerios, candies and pretzels with them everywhere. I don't do that, mostly because Winston has no interest in sweets or snacks - is it possible that I have passed my genes associated with no interest in snacks to him?   At daycare they offer snacks in the morning, but he hardly ever touches the snacks. Unfortunately at lunch he does not eat much either at daycare, although he does eat much more at home. I know kids who eat much better than Winston at meal times, and the difference seems to be based on the physical constitution of the kids rather than the parenting style.

Third, the French kids can play by themselves instead of requiring constant company, either with parents or with other kids. Well, I must say that for the time being, I actually envy those kids who need constant company. My Winston can be happy playing with doors for hours of which I am not proud. I have since learned that it may be a cause for concern for autistic behaviors.  That is why I no longer allow him to do that, and try to engage him in interactive play.

Fourth, the French kids eat all kinds of vegetables. Given the fact that French daycare offer freshly cooked gourmet French food served in 3 courses without repeating a single vegetable in a week and that the French parents cook fresh 3-course meals every night for dinner, I would say that my Winston could eat many more varieties of food that way too. He often eats 2-day old leftovers that even I don't want to touch, and I have never had the time to do the French way of introducing new food by changing the way to cook it a dozen different times.

Lastly, the French mothers are much happier about their husbands and much more relaxed about parenting overall, by comparison to their American and British counterparts. Apparently the French mothers spend almost 90% more time than their husbands on childcare and housework, whereas the American mothers spend just 30% more time than their husbands. But the American mothers are constantly complaining about their husbands' lack of contribution and stressed out about raising kids. From reading this book, I can immediately see why. If we all have 30-hour work weeks and 50 days of vacation every year, we will have so much free time that we will not be resentfully noticing how we are doing more housework or childcare. In fact, complete idleness does not generate happiness. Also, if the daycare center where Winston is provides hot and fresh gourmet lunch every day and is visited weekly by a pediatrician and a child psychologist, I would never have worried about Winston's physical health or overall development. For one thing, I would not have to think so hard on what lunch to prepare for Winston, given that I have no interest in cooking and the nanny I have seems to have even less culinary skills than I do. The super-experienced teachers together with their dedicated pediatrician and child psychologist would have discovered his obsession with doors and perhaps figured out an early intervention plan before it became a cause for concern! If people around me don't talk about how difficult it is to get into good colleges or find a job in the increasingly competitive job market, I would not bother even thinking about which school he should attend and when I need to start enrolling him in classes.

In many aspects I do agree with "French parenting" as I too emphasize the importance of discipline and boundary, while paradoxically embracing the need to be constantly in tune with nuanced physical and emotional needs of the kid. Like the French, I believe that the only way to enforce discipline and establish authority is to not say too many "no"s all the time so that when you do, it really leaves an impression. I too believe that there is no need to catering to their conflicting demands and requests when I have a fairly accurate and intuitive read of them. I too believe that there is no need to do everything that is presumably good for the kids if it's too hard on the parents, including taking them on trips, having meals with them, or throwing them parties. Most importantly, I believe that we as parents need to figure out how our own kids are different from others in every aspect, so that we know what to do about them that may sometimes seem mainstream, but may seem at other times rather idiosyncratic or even outrageous.

Well, on the other hand, we don't live in France, and we don't benefit from a social context that provides so much for the kids and the parents while exerting so little pressure, both financial and emotional on parents. We can only be "French parents" if we live in France. 

Diet - Management - Parenting

A friend of mine mentioned Pamela Druckerman's book "Bringing Up Bebe" on the wisdom of French parenting. Given that we American/Chinese mothers are always feeling inadequate, no wonder there is a huge market for these books on parenting.

In today's America, there are several categories of books that seem to sell well, aside from the romance and mystery novels. One is diet books - since I am never on a diet, I can't tell you how many diet books there are out there. But I know for a fact that they often offer conflicting advice, which can only add more stress to the people who desperately want to lose weight. "Surely not everything can be right, so which one is better suited for me?" They ask themselves anxiously, and go on to try half a dozen of them, only to get even more stressed out that they have to resort to eating more in order to ease the anxiety. Then they gain weight, and look for another type of diet that may miraculously solve their problems.

Another category is business/management. Harvard Business Review regularly publishes articles to teach managers and executives on how to run an effective organization. If you go to the business section of a bookstore, you will be overwhelmed by how many management gurus there are in the world, all of whom best-selling authors. Some emphasize the importance of teamwork and management by consensus. Some advocate decisive leadership a la Steve Jobs. Some advocate a middle-ground - i.e. be decisive when you are sure but listen to people well beforehand, which to me is like saying nothing at all. There are more creative spins on management out there, such as describing Queen Elizabeth I as a great CEO and analyzing all her major actions as if she were running a business empire. Yet, despite the plethora of wisdom in this field, companies are not better run than before.

The third category is parenting books or books on parenting - these are two different kinds of books. The former refers to a boring step-by-step guide on what to do with your kids with respect of everything from burping to potty training. It's more like an encyclopedia, except that in parenting there seems to be many more different encyclopedias out there. The latter refers to books such as "Battle Hymns of a Tiger Mother" and "Bringing Up Bebe", which appeal to the perplexed and overworked parents who wonder why their kids still are not perfect despite their following those parenting books. Not surprisingly, we are not better parents or even happier parents because of the access to such abundant advice. Therefore, the market clamors for more. Any more twist on parenting? What if someone writes a book on "why the professors' kids are better kids?" Will that sell?

At the end of the day, I realize that the fundamental reason is that we feel a huge challenge and we want a quick answer or a one-size-fits-all solution. For people who grew up on an unhealthy diet without a habit of exercise, no diet is going to do the wonder unless the person starts eating healthy and exercising regularly. For those in management, reading books and learning from the experts is important, but the hard work comes afterwards in learning on the job, taking the time to figure out what works for you and your organization. For us parents, just the sheer magnitude of conflicting advice out there should be enough to remind us that each kid is different, and unless we spend the time and attention to figure out what works for our individual kid as he grows up, we will be forever searching for the magic recipe.

Nothing beats hard work and patience in solving a problem or addressing a challenge. Now - is that something we need to read in a book? 

Winston's Words

My mom has been telling me repeatedly to write down all the funny things that Winston did or said, but I keep forgetting to do it. Plus, often it's the real action that is truly funny.

The other day, I drove him to school in a hurry only to realize when I got there that I had forgotten to put his shoes on. Fortunately the daycare center is only a couple of minutes by car so I drove back. While I was putting his shoes on with him sitting in the car seat, I told him to remind me to put his shoes on when we leave the house. I asked him, "Otherwise, what are you going to do without shoes?" He laughed and kicked his two little feet and said, "I have socks".

Who could have thought of such clever and original answers? 

Chinese Humor with Beijing Characteristics

At the recommendation of a friend, I watched a Chinese TV series "The Spring of Li Chuntian". The title character is a 38-year old single woman who's a newspaper editor. All the stories are around relationships, be it hers, or people around her. It is set in Beijing.

What I have found most striking is the way people talk in the series. No dialogue is ever a direct or simple dialogue, as everyone tries to add twists and rhetoric to their verbal exchanges, in a way that makes them seem like that they are always trying to prolong the conversation or have an argument. In a way they are almost a bit rude! I am from Beijing originally, and I have to say that I am not even used to it. Then it occurred to me that I heard my mom and my sister occasionally talk like that, and I erroneously thought that they were argumentative. It turned out that people in Beijing now talk like that!

I asked a friend about this observation. While she's from the south, she likes the colorful language of Beijing and the bantering effect. It is totally different from the humor we see in American show business. It is edgy like Conan O'Brien but less funky. It is self-deprecating like Edward Burns, but more rude and crude. It is sarcastic like Woody allen but less intellectual. So perhaps I can only call it "Chinese humor with Beijing Characteristics". 

Two Friends from McKinsey

Although my recent business trip to Shanghai was very short, I still managed to see a few friends of mine, including two from my McKinsey days. We went through McKinsey's mini-MBA training together near Toronto back in 2001. Looking back, I almost blush at some of the things I said or did during the training. How naive and clueless I was back then! Maybe another ten years from now, I will look at the current me and make the same comment.

One of them joined the Beijing office of McKinsey, became a partner and was made the head of the office, before he left to join a multinational private equity firm. He's a theoretical physicist by training, and is perhaps least temperamental person I have ever met. I have known plenty of scientists who claim that they believe in science and facts and not emotions, but they often are the most emotional and sensitive people I know. This guy is absolutely calm and logical. He talked about why he left McKinsey, what he's interested in doing, and the fact that he and his wife are debating whether or not to have kids. To some extent, I really do envy his ability to not get emotional about anything. But at the same time, I am almost a bit frightened by his zen-like cynicism. Maybe it is not cynicism, but rather a clear-eyed view of what life really is all about, that makes him so calm. He said that the fact that he was trained as a theoretical physicist makes him realize that nothing we do is of much significance, and therefore there is no need to get worked up about anything. 

The other was at the Silicon Valley office of McKinsey for a few years before returning to China as a venture capitalist. He's a very jovial guy and extremely fun-loving. He's got a PhD in science as well, but overall he's much more emotive and expressive. He asked me about my views on kids as he and his wife are debating whether or not to have kids. Like the other friend, he thinks a lot. But unlike the other friend, his thinking is often mixed with emotions. He worries about consequences, uncertainties and changes. He wants to find an "optimal" solution which he will never regret. In other words, while the other friend thinks that there is nothing significant in life, this friend views many things in life as very significant.

Perhaps, just perhaps, there is something in the middle between the two of them that would be the ideal balance - to take only a few things seriously but not too many, to do one's best with passion but keep in mind how insignificant we really are in the context of this vast universe and the long human history. This way, we will celebrate our successes and advancement, laugh off our failures and setbacks, enjoy family and friends, and let go of personal losses easily. 

Such is the Irony of Life

The other day, I had a discussion with a friend who's expecting a baby very soon. We talked about how we often are prone to guilt or self-criticism even though others in our situation would perhaps be patting themselves on the back. Is guilt a Chinese thing, a Catholic thing, or perhaps a female thing?

I often talk to people who are older and wiser, so that I can gain their perspectives. Maybe, just maybe, this way when I am on my deathbed, I will not regret that I have lived my life chasing after the wrong things, and ignoring the truly important things. As it turned out, the theme is pretty universal - don't pay so much attention to success in a conventional sense, as it will not matter at the end of your life. Instead, relationships of all kinds are what sustain us through thick and thin, and therefore require the most effort and dedication.

Of course, it does not mean that we simply give up on our careers and go volunteer in Africa or India. After all, we still have a lot of practical bones in our bodies. But we do have a sense of disciplining ourselves, judging ourselves, and evaluating ourselves from all kinds of imaginary angles. As a result, we constantly feel that we have fallen short of expectations. We want to live our lives to the fullest, as if there is some arbitrary judge out there that will eventually give us a grade on how we have lived. When it comes to choices, we want to make the best choice, because we don't want to have any regrets later. Yet life is unpredictable by nature and we have to make so many choices, big and small, constantly. Whenever we make a choice, we want to make the best choice to make sure that what we get is worth what we will be losing, but often which may not seem so valuable now but perhaps become extremely valuable later on. So perhaps we blame ourselves later...

There are other people who don't reflect on life so much. They do what they want, take credit for their successes, find reasons or excuses for their failures, and never think about what will be most important to them on their deathbeds. I used to think that these people should watch "Citizen Kane" so that they have a longer-term view about life, and not have so many regrets at the end of their lives that they have to whisper their own version of "rosebud" near death. But then, we human beings hear what we want to hear. The message of "Citizen Kane" has been internalized by people like myself so many times that we even need an antidote to ease off on that message. And those who are busy with their short-term goals, will ignore such messages or perhaps sleep through such a movie, and deal with the consequences on their deathbeds. Such is the irony of life. 

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan

I just watched the film "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" on Netflix. The reason is simple - the Chinese actress Bingbing Li was making appearances in the west all of a sudden, presumably because of this film. And the film was produced by Wendi Murdoch, the Chinese wife of Rupert Murdoch. I was curious to see what it's like. It was directed by Wayne Wang, who directed "The Joy Luck Club". 

If I was indifferent to "The Joy Luck Club", I have to echo a friend of mine on her sentiment regarding "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" - "it was so bad that I did not want to mention it to anyone!" In a conversation with another friend, we started talking about the entertainment circle and the power at play. Apparently Bingbing Li was  propelled into this "stardom" in the west by Wendi Murdoch, as otherwise there is nothing special about her. Yes, she's a movie star in China, but there are at least dozens just like her in China! My friend alerted me to the fact that Ziyi Zhang has been very low-key and nowhere to be seen lately in the west, and there has been negative press coverage on her regarding discrepancies in her charitable donations. She said that apparently there was a fall-out between her and Wendi Murdoch, and after being dropped by the Murdoch family, she's had a very hard time.

That speaks to the power of money. One would think that Ziyi Zhang has already established herself, but little did she know how her fame and celebrity status required strong backers. Her looks and talent could only go so far on their own. Wendi Murdoch is perhaps best compared to the Empress Dowager of the Qing Dynasty - ruthless, heartless and scruple-less. At one point during the movie, I almost laughed my head off, when a super silly and irrelevant character showed up on screen, played by none other than Hugh Jackman! I can almost imagine the dialogue when he was asked to play this five-minute part in the movie, "Sure, Wendi, of course I will be happy to do it." After all, Hugh Jackman knows the power of his fellow Australian. Ziyi Zhang had too much youthful arrogance to know that some people can make a star as easily as they can destroy a star.

Later, I watched an interview by Charlie Rose with Wendi Murdoch, Bingbing Li and Wayne Wang. While it was a complete flop in the US and China (where else would anyone even bother to watch this film?), Wendi Murdoch claimed that they were profitable. I suppose that she's a good businesswoman after all - everyone was perhaps glad to be on her film and therefore was happy to do it for nothing. She mentioned that she really liked Lisa See's book upon which the movie is based, and that she chose Wayne Wang for this film because she was so touched by "The Joy Luck Club". If both statements were true, it would make her seem an emotional, vulnerable and gullible woman, which I can't believe to be the case.

Lunch with Friends

Last Friday, I had lunch with 3 female friends of mine. Among the four of us, two graduated from Harvard, one graduated from Caltech, and one from the "Harvard of China" - Peking University. All of us have received PhD degrees from MIT, UC Berkeley or Stanford. All of us are professional women married with kids.

It's at those lunches that I realize how others truly live. We usually don't confide in other people about the troubles in our lives, unless we feel really understood and safe. With my friends, I have learned about the struggles they have in their professional and personal lives, and I have learned many things. Indeed, as Michelle Obama famously said, "marriage is hard but no one tells you that." It requires a lot of effort on both parties, and still even then, it will be complicated and challenging. And that's fine, because that's how most people live.

The eagerness to portray a "better" image to the outsiders is understandable. It is perhaps similar to the notorious notion of "saving face" by the Chinese. Now I realize that those who are willing to share their troubles are actually the most confident and secure people. As the son of the famous Chinese scholar Hu Shi said, "my father always claimed to everyone that my mother was the boss in everything. Just imagine - those men whose wives really boss them around and feel utterly miserable would never dare to say such things to others."

All About My Mother

I am a huge fan of Pedro Almodovar's films. I love it that all the women in his films are smart, strong and absolutely wonderful in their own ways. I consider myself a modern woman, whose mother has been ahead of her times. As I wrote in the acknowledgment section of my PhD thesis, without my mother I would not have been who I am or what I am today, and I can only hope to be half of the woman she is.

In a way, my appreciation for my mother has grown partly because I see how others around me have such big issues with their own mothers. They tell me how much they envy my close relationship with my mother, and how my mother leaves me alone to do what I like without making annoying, unwanted or even toxic comments. In the old days, I thought that it was because my mother loved me more than these mothers love their own kids. But now I have come to realize that it's actually due to my mother's unusual wisdom. She should have been born and raised in America instead of China, for she would have fit right in.

She made a point of having her own life, and not trying to tie her life to mine. She wants her independence and her own life. Therefore, unlike many other Asian parents, she does not blackmail me with these toxic comments, "I have raised you and therefore you should pay me back." If she thinks that she's capable of helping me temporarily, she does her very best. Whenever she's here in the US helping me with Winston, she is more careful and vigilant with Winston than even I am. But when she feels that she needs to take care of her own health, she requests that I find help from others, and if necessary spend a lot of money on getting the best help for Winston. She has never been rich, but she knows how to spend money at the right place without being stupidly stingy. Since she sticks to her ground, she will never blame me for ruining her life, or giving her trouble either. Whatever she has agreed to do, she will never use it against me to make me feel guilty. She takes responsibility for her own choices and decisions, and she does not blame others.

Yes, she is a bit like the women in Pedro Almodavar's films - strong, wise, feisty, incredibly wise but not without imperfections. 

The In-Laws

Years ago, a very irreverent friend of mine once told me a joke. He said, "do you know the difference between an in-law and an out-law?" After a pause, he smiled, "The outlaw is wanted." 

Indeed with the TV shows such as "Everyone Loves Raymond", we know that in-law troubles exist everywhere, and the only way to deal with them is to have a clear idea of what you want, and have a sense of humor about it.

I do think that the Chinese have a harder time in this case, because there is not a clear boundary between generations. After the kids have grown up and become adults (and even middle-aged adults), the parents still think that they can tell them what to do, and the kids should listen. I know that it's a hard habit to break, but I hope that when Winston grows up, I will not be like that. Of course, I hope that I will do good enough of a job so that he will be happy, healthy and financially independent so that there is no need for me to worry about his overall welfare.

What I have noticed is that many parents of our generation don't know what truly makes them happy. They often ask to spend time with their kids, and even insist on having the kids' spouses around, only to have more arguments during those gatherings. Understandably, they want to spend time with their kids and grandkids. But the kids' spouses? Sure, if people really enjoy spending time together, that's fine. I have seen some of my friends who enjoy talking to their mothers-in-law more than their own husbands! In those cases, the mothers-in-law are essentially their friends. When the spouse makes the effort to spend the time with the parents-in-law only to realize that there is no appreciation for such sacrifice, he/she will get resentful. After all, there are better ways to spend time than to just be around to listen to unwelcome comments!

Therefore, I have come to realize one thing that my very wise mother has told me. There is definitely a generation gap, even with the most enlightened parents. The parents of course care about their own kids, in which case these kids should try to spend some time with them. But do leave the spouses alone, unless there is a real need. And the real need does not include such things as a snide comment "oh families should be together." This way, everyone has his or her own space, and when there is not much sacrifice made by each party, there will be much less resentment.

The Burden of Choices

When I was younger, I thought that it was always great to have choices. I thought that it was a luxury to have choices. As I am getting older, I have come to realize that it could often be a burden.

When we have a lot of choices, we actually could be petrified by the significance of the choice. The daughter of a friend is going to college, and is trying hard to decide on which one to attend, given that she can only attend one. Yes, she is happy about getting accepted by several colleges, but now she has to make sure that she makes the "best" decision. When decisions have been made for her (i.e. in the case of some rejections), it is actually easier for her, because she has no say in those matters. But for the schools that have accepted her, it is a tough decision, and understandably so.

Speaking of marriage, now that we are free to choose whomever we want to marry, I do wonder if the level of happiness is higher. In fact, it might very well be lower, because we would wonder if we have made the best "selection", given all the choices out there. In the days of arranged marriages, there was no choice, which eliminated the need to "wonder". In the case of the marriage between Liang Sicheng and Lin Huiyin, they were introduced by their parents, although the decision was eventually theirs. I suppose this arrangement increased the chance of compatibility while leaving some freedom to the young couple.

A friend has just been awarded a prestigious fellowship at Stanford, but she is now agonizing over her choices. The other fellowship she has won is perhaps less prestigious overall, but there are pros and cons in each situation. In fact, after she learned the good news, she has been tormented instead of jubilant. In an ironic way, it is almost as if she would rather not have won the fellowship!

Indeed, to have choices is a blessing but also a burden because we have to deserve it, just like many other things in life which are double-edged swords.

One of These Days...

If I have any literary talent, one of these days, I really should write about a few friends of mine from my college days, with whom I am still in constant contact. Over 20 years ago, we were all so young and so curious about what the future would bring to us. Today, one might say that life has turned out to be totally unexpected for us. Strangely, though, one could also say that in some ways life has turned out utterly as predicted.

My best friend back then was kind of a tom boy. I was very annoyed with her when I first met her back at the military academy where all freshman of Peking University had to go through a whole year of military training. I hated the environment and I did not want to be there. I was in a bad mood. She was transferred into our room together with two other girls just a month after we started at the military academy, presumably because these three girls were "better" behaved so that they could teach the rest of us rebellious girls. She and I shared a bunk bed, with her taking the upper bed. I saw her hang up her cap on the nook that I used, and I told her without smiling that it was mine. Without a second of hesitation and without any flash of displeasure, she immediately put her cap on the other nook, and was like, "oh sorry". - I felt a little better. Then she and I got the worst shift of guard duty one night (2 am to 4 am), and there was really nothing to do except for chatting to stay awake. She started talking. I don't quite remember what she said, except that she suddenly realized that she had written letters to everyone else except for her brother. Two hours passed quickly. The next morning when I woke up, without realizing it, I decided to talk to her more than anyone else. And I just talked and talked, to the point of others suspecting lesbianism. We would chat about going abroad to study, and she said that we would go to San Francisco together. Fast forward 20 years - she and I are both living in San Francisco Bay Area, her daughter 7 months older than my son. She and I are both in the biotech industry, with her in research at a big and stable company, and me in business doing dangerous startups. We still talk a lot, and can't imagine living a life without friends to talk to all the time.

Another friend, whom I have mentioned before, now lives in the UK. In every movie about girls, there is always one girl that's a bit chubby and loved by everyone else. She's like that. She was funny, kind and considerate. We became friends because we both loved George Michael! As I mentioned in a previous blog, she would invite another friend and myself to her home which is just a few blocks away from campus to watch MTV videos of American pop music. After college, she went to Rhode Island to study, while I was attending MIT. We had so much fun seeing each other on some weekends. We went to buy crabs directly from the boats at Galilee. We went shopping in Downtown Crossing on a work day, because she came to visit me while my boss was out of town. We went to the same Chinese restaurant Sichuan Garden over and over again that the owners remembered us. Michael and I once knocked at her door (uninvited) on the way back from a trip to New York and I so enjoyed seeing the surprised look on her face. She and her husband drifted apart over the years. She joined a big multi-national company and moved from Austin to Beijing and now to England. A tough professional woman on the facade, she is actually quite a romantic.

The other friend on those MTV video watching afternoons lives very far in New York, but feels very close because we talk all the time still, chatting about movies and books, and complaining about everything including work, kids and husbands (especially husbands). She is so sweet and dear to me. She and I helped to organize a 10-year reunion of our class including an electronic year book. Even today, some friends commented that it's really a joy to read that book, although at the time we had to use all kinds of tactics to make people write something, which pissed off some people who pissed us off as well! I am utterly convinced that without her involvement, it would be hard to organize anything again for our class, for she alone possesses the discipline and organizational abilities. She was also the most popular girl in our class. A professional woman married with three kids working for a major media company in New York, I am sure that when she was in college she never would have anticipated that. One thing did turn out as anticipated though - she married her highschool sweetheart. I still remember that once I saw her coming out of our dormitory building, dressed in a flowery skirt, ready to meet up with her boyfriend. She was as pretty and fresh as the flowers on her skirt.

Every girls' group would have someone really cool, artistic or poetic, and our group was no exception. This girl was not a classic beauty, but she has something resembling an "it" girl. She was into rock-n-roll music. She knew artistic people. She could write poetry. She could recite lines from the movie "Dead Poets Society". She had tempestuous love affairs. She would smoke. She dressed in fashionable clothes. In summary, she was utterly cool. True to her spirit, she got married almost immediately right after college, and got divorced almost as fast. Fast forward 20 years - she's been working for the same company after graduate school in the same city (Houston). She's married with two kids. Her older son Aidan was about Winston's age when I went to visit her in Houston, and I completely fell in love with him. I think Aidan was the reason why I decided to have a kid, and for that reason I think Winston even looks like Aidan a little bit! Compared to her past, I have to say that one cannot find a more model wife/mother than she is - stable career, nice husband, two adorable kids, and a beautifully kept house in suburban Houston. In this case, life has turned out completely differently for her from what I anticipated.

Back in our college years, "love" was the most discussed topic, and understandably so at our age back then. As we are entering middle age, most of us are exhausted by the demands of work and family. In addition, yes, familiarity breeds contempt to some extent, as we cannot possibly remain fascinated by the same person whom we know better than anyone else. But one friend has remained "hopelessly romantic". She was beautiful, sweet, considerate and incredibly romantic. She was always into "passionate" and "true" love. She would fall madly in love with one guy, and then a few months later fell out of love. It does not mean that she was cavalier about it. She really can only be with someone whom she absolutely loves. By the time I transferred to Harvard, she was dating someone two years older from our college very seriously. They remained together for many years and went to Hong Kong together. It was there that she met her current husband. Always honest about love, she has been with her husband since, and mentioned many times that she could not imagine she could have met anyone better. She has moved to her husband's native Netherlands, and they have an adorable half Dutch half Chinese son. When her husband's kidney disease required a kidney transplant, she gave him one of her kidneys. If anyone fits the description "love conquers all", she does. In a way, she has remained the same as 20 years ago - romantic to the core. I love her for that - it is incredible and inspiring.

Indeed my friends deserve a book, but I don't have the talent to write about them, except for in this lame blog. How I wish that I could capture their essence, their spirit and their lives with my pen!

Hiking Again!

Today is a beautiful day. I went hiking again to the Stanford Dish. The view was breathtaking.

This time I went hiking with my friend Debra. Interestingly, when I thought about my hiking companions, I realized that both David and Debra are the classic "entrepreneurs". They have both made millions from working super hard and taking a lot of risk, very early on in their careers. David then decided to invest his money into a venture firm that he formed with several partners, and unfortunately this partnership was a failure and he lost a few million dollars. In Debra's case, she had been working on a second startup the past four years, and finally decided that it was time to give up, as there was not even traction and she's been funding it with her own money. With both of them, they encountered failures after enormous success.

I have had my very modest share of success with my first startup. My second startup has not been a success. It seems that in the world of entrepreneurs, those who remain in this community usually had success early on. Yes, they have experienced failures, and sometimes even crushing ones. But few life-long entrepreneurs encountered failures at the first try. It now makes perfect sense to me. Basically, if any would-be entrepreneur experienced crushing failure at the first try, likely he or she would come to the conclusion that this is the wrong career choice. If the first time is a success, and the next one is a failure, likely he or she would say, "well, it is not easy to do startups, but I have done it before and I can do it again."

I greatly enjoyed hiking with my older and wiser entrepreneur friends, but unlike them, I should not and cannot retire!

Upcoming Christmas Cruise

A friend recently forwarded some information on a Caribbean cruise this coming Christmas. Apparently her friend's friend got together at least 20 families so that an agent could offer a discounted group fare to them on this cruise. Now that she has decided to book it, she is forwarding the information to more people.

Long story short - I am now going on the cruise with at least five other families, including my cousin's family in Irvine! I am so excited, not necessarily because of the cruise, but because it will be like a continuous party on the sea that requires no work at all! If Winston is interested in joining the supervised kids program, I could have even more time with my friends! Yeah!

It will be his first international trip. I was utterly exhausted on his previous two trips. One was just a short overnight car trip to Monterey, and the other was to Seattle. On the first trip, he fell sick afterwards. On the second trip, I was still sick from a bad cold before we took the trip. He did have a great time on both trips, but I was almost traumatized by the experience. Hopefully when he's three and a half years old, it will be a bit easier!

Hiking

It was a beautiful day yesterday. After many days of raining, the hills have finally turned green. My friend David and I decided to go hiking at Foothills Park with his dog Hoku. While I have remained terrified of cats (yes I know it sounds ridiculous), I am not afraid of dogs - well, at least not David's dog.

Walking up and down the hills and looking at the scenery, I could not help thinking that perhaps the chance to do some hiking in the middle of the day with a friend who can do the same is something worth treasuring. We the drove all the way up Skyline Boulevard to have lunch at Alice's Restaurant - a cool place right in the heart of the redwood forest. The food was generic - I had breakfast food (eggs, french toast and bacon) and David ordered some ribs so that Hoku could have a treat as well. Still, eating on the patio of Alice's Restaurant, breathing in the fresh mountain air, while appreciating the scenery, I felt true bliss.

When Winston grows up, I hope that he will enjoy nature and hiking on those nature trails.

The Challenge of Parenting

Yesterday a friend came with her son for a play date with Winston. As we were chatting, she said that she was surprised to find out that some of the seemingly relaxed parents actually agonized as much as she did about which school to send their kids. Then it suddenly dawned on me what I heard from another friend - as we are entering middle age, we might be exhibiting some of the college behaviors in a different way.

In college, and especially academically competitive colleges, it was common for students to tell others that they hardly studied and partied like crazy, only to study like crazy behind doors. Reason? I guess most people want to feel good about themselves, and being appreciated and admired is one way. Peer recognition is a major force.

Now that we are parents, I often feel the pressure to "relax", as "so and so is really enjoying life and the kids and the kids have turned out just fine". Of course that only makes me feel less sure about myself as a mother, as surely I can't imagine being totally relaxed while Winston would just "turn out fine". As it turned out, he has had some issues that I caught early because I was vigilant, and some that I did not catch early enough because I was NOT vigilant enough!

Is it possible, however, that the force behind college students to deny they ever study is the same behind parents claiming that they are having a good time raising the kids, have no serious arguments at home, maintain a very functional household, all without much effort?

For one reason or another, I have never felt the need to claim that anything is easy. It is not because I am more secure about myself than others. I simply feel the need to tell others that I have studied hard, or that something is challenging, or that I have had a sleepless night, or that I fret over Winston's health, education or development. It is entirely possible that the way I talk does make other parents want to share their struggles with me, because I am certainly not pretending! Therefore, it is no wonder that Michael hears the opposite from others, because after all, who wants to look like that they are not handling it well without effort in front of someone whom they might think is quite judgmental?

In this competitive parenting culture, not only are parents subject to the pressure of making sure that we do their very best for their kids, we could often be compared to those who can seemingly do the best for their kids without effort, complaints or struggle at all. Of course if you get to know them better, you know that they don't have any bad intentions - they just want to look good in front of others, and feel good in front of others, which is utterly understandable. That is why they claim that they had great fun on vacation trips, even though they were sleep deprived and argued vehemently over petty things on the trip due to exhaustion. That is why they claim that they just let the kids do whatever they like even though they agonized over which school to send the kids.

Interestingly, both Michael and I were disdainful of TV before, and we hardly watched any shows. Recently I watched a few episodes of "Desperate Housewives" and "Sex and the City". Now that I have a kid and have experienced the challenge of a raising a kid, I actually could find some merit in those shows. In one episode of "Desperate Housewives", Lynette was having a breakdown due to the kids, and Susan and Bree came to comfort her and told her how much of a basket case they were when their kids were little. Lynette was like, "why didn't you guys tell me this before? I thought that everyone else except for me found it easy." In an episode of "Sex and the City", Charlotte and her first husband invited a married couple with three kids to dinner. Watching how the kids were misbehaving and the couple making nasty comments at each other at the dinner table made them have second thoughts about having a kid. After all, this couple was "so much in love with each other before", and "now they are just parents." Movies and TV shows are supposed to be fake, but sometimes I feel that they can be more real than reality because no real person's pride can be hurt by the brutal honesty displayed in the show.

We cannot change others, but we can change how we respond to the environment made of others. I thought to my days as a student, and tried to remember why it did not bother me at all to hear others claim that they did not study at all, whereas I did. I realized that it was because I did very well in my classes - that was what I cared about. If I did very well, I did not care if others did just as well due to less or more study. Right now, it is easy for me to be affected because raising a kid is like an ongoing exam that one can never ace. I can never be sure that I have done well. No parent can be sure, as it is a process as opposed to an end game.

Mao's Last Dancer

I have a slight interest in ballet. I have an intense interest in China-related topics. Therefore, it is not surprising when I noticed a film based on a Chinese ballet dancer's memoir "Mao's Last Dancer", I decided to watch it.

Li Cunxin grew up in abject poverty in rural China, and was selected to be trained to be a ballet dancer at age ten or eleven. Nine years later, he got an opportunity to study with Houston Ballet in the US. This was 1981, when very few Chinese people had ventured outside of China, with portrayal of "Capitalist countries" like the US so distorted in China that it was downright comical. I am ten years older than Li Cunxin, and even I got a tail end of that wave of communist indoctrination which taught us that we were living in great happiness whereas the people in "capitalist countries" lived in pure agony.

Needless to say, he arrived in Houston utterly shocked and disoriented. He decided to defect and married an American dancer. The event caused quite a stir in the media at the time, and eventually the Chinese government decided to let him go but dictated that he could not return to China ever again. He went onto have a great career with Houston Ballet. Eventually the Chinese government softened the stand, and his parents went from utter shame of having a "traitor son" to the great pride of having a famous son returning to China to perform with Houston Ballet. It was a great personal story, with the upheavals of the times as the backdrop. Li Cunxin has retired from dancing, and is now working as a stockbroker and living in Australia with his Australian wife and three kids.

How times have changed! Back in the early 1980s, a ballet dancer's decision to stay in the United States effectively made him a traitor. Nowadays, the piano prodigy Lang Lang came to study in the US right after his talent was discovered. The basketball star Yao Ming moved to Houston to play professional basketball with the Houston Rockets. The amazing ballerina Tan Yuan Yuan joined San Francisco Ballet, and has been hailed as a role model in China. Even the daughter of the upcoming Chinese leader is studying at Harvard. Times have truly changed. It is mind-boggling.

Li Cunxin may not have been the best Chinese ballet dancer, but he certainly was the last dancer we know of from the Mao era.

Dream

Last night I had an odd dream. It was an elaborate corridor. I was with my friends from college. It seems that we were all back to the age of 18 or 19 years old again. My friend, who was a bit chubby and very jolly, was with me, seemingly playing hide-and-seek with another two girls. Suddenly they found us - we shrieked and my friend grabbed my arm and dragged me with her and ran like crazy through the corridors. The other two girls started chasing after us. One of them was very petite and was usually very quiet and sweet, but occasionally startled us with her rebellious sparks and vivacious individuality. Her friend who was running with her was a bigger girl who I did not know very well, but I remember that she was very cheerful and considerate. That was the whole dream - the four girls screaming, laughing and running through the corridors.

When I woke up, I still could not shake off the odd feelings from the dream. Since I recently watched the movie "A Dangerous Method", I could not help but wanted to analyze my own dream a little bit. Clearly, the obvious analysis is that I have tremendous nostalgia for the days when I was much younger and more innocent, and that I envy my own son Winston for running around the house and laughing his head off, as I just did the chasing with him yesterday. There was nothing much to the chase, but it was uninhibited and unadulterated happiness, as is in Winston's case every time he starts running around, seemingly drunk with happiness.

My chubby friend who was running with me in the dream now works and lives in England for a multi-national oil and gas service company in technical management. Back in our younger days, we all thought that she was going to be married with many kids running around her, with her cooking delicious feasts for them and her friends constantly - she was an excellent cook. Now, she bosses people around, gives orders, and moves from one continent to another for her work. If anything, she now represents the classic tough professional women!

My petite friend was a star student from early on. Despite her easy-going manners, she was always incredibly driven and fairly competitive. She got a PhD from Columbia and MBA from Cornell and is working for a multi-national media company in finance in New York. On top of that, she's married with 3 kids! Her parents have been helping her, which is great. But at the same time, she also has to help take care of her parents' occasional health problems in addition to the numerous viruses that her 3 boys bring home from school all the time. She loves her boys to death, and is thrilled to have them, but she probably could have achieved much more professionally without them. Maybe that surfaces in her mind once in a while, although I know that negative thoughts or wishful thinking generally do not occupy her mind - she simply has no time for it. It makes sense that both she and my chubby friend were in this dream together, since I got to be friends with them at the same time. We were watching MTV videos at my chubby friend's apartment in the afternoon. As the hours went by, and "Like a Virgin" was followed by "Careless Whispers", my chubby friend first drifted off to sleep on the couch. After a while, my petite friend apparently felt sleepy as well. However, being the organized and conscientious person she always was, she first got an ottoman, and put my friend's feet up there, so that she herself could have some room to sleep on the couch as well. I was the only one left staying awake to watch the videos, with Tiffany followed by Tears for Fears, and so on.

The girl who was running with my petite friend was a very nice girl, but I never knew her well. It is interesting that she was in the dream, as I have not been in touch with her for years. In a way, it makes sense that she was in the dream. In my youthful and arrogant days, perhaps I kept to myself mostly or just very few close friends. Now that I am older, I am regretting not getting to know many other girls in my class better, or not making friends with them. Interesting how my perspectives have shifted so much as I get older! In the old days, perhaps I wanted to be "cool", albeit in a nerdy way as opposed to the classic definition of "cool". That applied to how I made friends as well. Today, not only do I not care about being "cool", I no longer know what is "cool".

I am sure that my dream analysis would be dismissed by the Freudian psychologists. But I never care much for Freud anyways.

Life vs. Art

I am not a writer or an artist. I only read books occasionally and watch movies sometimes. I used to listen to music and go to concert performances, but I no longer have the time nor the opportunity. In a life of somewhat monotonous routines, I often want to escape into movies which portray a different life.

Most people including myself like movies that feel real because we identify with the characters. But it does not mean that we want to watch real life. Just earlier today I had a discussion with a friend on the movie "One Day", which I did not particularly like but left an impression because I was surprised that a movie like that could be produced. My friend wrote, "But I do wish the filmmakers set up Anne Hathaway's death and sold it a little better. Her death was completely out of the blue. I had not been expecting it, and didn't see any signs of it coming. It felt arbitrary, like the filmmakers were breaking the bargain with the viewer, since the viewer expected from the beginning of the movie that the relationship would be developped in an interesting way. Yes, in real life, death is often unexpected and out of the blue. But in a movie, the filmmaker has a contract with the viewer to make it more organic to the rest of the story line, perhaps by dropping hints earlier or making her character ruminate on death earlier in the story; otherwise, it feels like a cop out."

Indeed when art completely imitates life, we are not interested. When we go to the movies, we are thrilled at those totally unlikely but yet predictable turn of events that either reunite long lost lovers, or save people from near death. We do not want to see "real life" in movies, when the turn of events are totally likely and yet utterly unpredictable. Therefore, it is a wonder that a movie like "One Day" was even made.

Good-bye, Paul Bettany!

I can't stand the actor Paul Bettany - that much is clear to me. He has become another actor whom I simply cannot bear to see at all, aside from Nicholas Cage. It is interesting how one develops these strong feelings that seem to have no rational reasons. After all, there are much worse actors than these two, and much worse-looking ones too. Somehow I have such strong aversion to them that I swear never to see another movie with Paul Bettany in it, just as I have not seen a movie with Nicholas Cage for the past 10 years!

The last draw is the movie "Creation". Paul Bettany plays Charles Darwin. I feel that I should really be sympathetic to his character, but I just could not shake off the feeling that it was Paul Bettany who was acting agonized as opposed to Charles Darwin in mourning for his beloved daughter. I also rather hated him in "The Da Vinci Code" and "A Beautiful Mind". Oh, I did see that horrible movie "The Tourist" which turned out to be a clumsy remake of the French movie "Anthony Zimmer" as well. It does not matter where I saw Paul Bettany, he was always annoying.

From now on, I will not see another film with him in it. He has joined Nicholas Cage officially.

Observations

As a professional woman, I am naturally interested in reading about successful women in science, politics and business. There indeed have been many inspiring women across all walks of life. There is ongoing debate on whether we have reached an age when a woman truly has equal opportunities to men. On the surface, I would say that things have never been better. But we are not living in a society where there are true equal opportunities for women, and I am not sure that there will ever be a time. That is, if women want to have everything in life that men do - such as family, kids and career.

Let's take a look at some famous women who are truly inspiring. I now notice that they were either born into privilege, married to privilege, or remained single or childless. In politics, there have been Indira Ghandi, Benazir Bhutto, Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton. The former two were born into privilege and inherited their status. The latter two were married to wealth and power, respectively. In business, there have been Katharine Graham, Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina and the rising star of Sheryl Sandberg. Mrs. Graham inherited The Washington Post. Whitman, Fiorina and Sandberg married rich husbands who were also not busy for one reason or another. A working mother from humble background married to someone without money or power has a natural disadvantage in business or politics, unless she wants to be a bad mother intentionally. After all, Katharine Hepburn once famously said, "only when a woman decides not to have children, can a woman live like a man. That's what I've done."

Perhaps the only area where women could have a real chance in equality is in academia, which does not require extensive travel, rigid hours, and maximum flexibility in one's personal life. Although some of the notable female scientists were single and childless such as Rosalind Franklin and Barbara McClintock, there also have been Marie Curie, her daughter Irene, Rosalyn Yalow, Elizabeth Blackburn and Carol Greider.

Therefore, ambitious young girls, please consider science as a career! :)

The Iron Lady

While I am a huge fan of the actress Meryl Streep, I was somewhat disappointed in the movie "The Iron Lady". My disappointment has nothing to do with her acting, but rather to do with how simple they have made the story of Margaret Thatcher's life.

Perhaps it is easy to forget that Margaret Thatcher was elected to be Prime Minister of Britain back in 1979, which was 33 years ago. Considering that there are still so few women leaders in politics even today, her accomplishment was nothing short of astounding. I have always been fascinated by her, although I know little about her. Unfortunately, this movie was not much help. It was more of a caricature of a super ambitious woman wanting to be different from everyone else, only to end up in a way like everyone else. When Denis Thatcher proposed to her, she emphatically said that she refused to die washing tea cups, meaning that she would not be content as a housewife. The end of the movie showed her washing a tea cup in her kitchen, long after she left politics. Does it mean that her life was "much ado about nothing"?

Obviously the way we die, or at least the way most of us will die, will be like everyone else, just like the way we were born were just like everyone else. But it is how we lived the productive years of our lives that truly defined us, and not the years when we were babbling infants, or the years when we are perhaps plagued by dementia, as is the case with Margaret Thatcher.

I hope that there will be another cinematic attempt in portraying her life that is much more sophisticated and complex.

First Ladies

Only when I read about the Chinese Vice President Xi Jinping's visit to the United States did I realize that he is married to the famous folk singer Peng Liyuan. I had not heard of him prior to his visit (mostly because I have not been following Chinese politics and not because he was unknown), but I surely have known about his wife since I was a little girl growing up in China. She was one of the most famous singers in China, regularly appearing on TV in various gala shows.

Considering that Xin Jinping is supposed to succeed Hu Jintao as the next leader of China, I commented to a friend that it will mark the first time that China will have a glamorous "First Lady" whose fame in China long proceeded her husband's. My friend quipped back, "Yes indeed. There could be a singing competition among all the First Ladies and she will easily beat everyone else!"

Speaking of First Ladies, there are the glamorous and visible ones such as Michelle Obama in the United States, Carla Bruni Sarkozy in France and Asma al-Assad in Syria. There have been influential ones such as Eleanor Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton. More often than not, the First Ladies have been quiet and absent from the public eye, especially in China. Perhaps the painful memory from the Cultural Revolution has made the Chinese especially wary of the influence of a First Lady, due to the psychotic Madame Mao (i.e. Jiang Qing). I must admit that even now I have no idea about the woman to whom the current leader of China Hu Jintao is married, assuming that he is married.

Therefore, it will be interesting to watch what Peng Liyuan will be like once she becomes the "First Lady" of China.

The Flowers of War

The positive comments I heard from my Chinese friends and relatives, as well as the negative reviews in the press on Zhang Yimou's movie "The Flowers of War" made me quite intrigued. Having been a fan of Zhang Yimou for as long as he has been in the movie business, I try to see all his films. Indeed his recent movies have been disappointing, most notably "Curse of the Golden Flower" (even the translation of the movie title sounds ludicrous). I remember I was once so fanatically enthralled by his movies that I told my mom that one of my biggest dreams would be to meet Zhang Yimou in person - this was right after I saw "To Live".

Ironically, in recent years, his movies are not only allowed in China, but also celebrated to great fanfare. This is in direct contrast to the days when his movies were deemed too subversive and too critical of China's past. One could not help but wonder if it is because he is now making movies which are largely in synch with the government agenda. "Hero" is the least subtle of all of them, preaching the idea that tyranny and oppression might be necessary for the sake of unity and peace.

"The Flowers of War" is about a story that occurred during the Nanking massacre. The World War II provided the context and background for numerous movies in the west, ranging from epic battle movies with lots of explosions and gunfires ("Pearl Harbor", "Saving Private Ryan", "Flags of My Father"), to rather personal stories with the war as the background ("Atonement", "Au Revoir Les Enfants", "Life is Beautiful"). While there is a a high level of awareness about the holocaust in the west, manifested by the Holocaust Museum in D.C. and the Academy Awards showered on the holocaust movies ("Schindler's List", "The Pianist", etc), what the Japanese armies did in China and especially in Nanking (then capital of China) was relatively unknown to the western audience until the publication of Iris Chang's book "The Rape of Nanking".

Actually there have ALSO been numerous movies made in China about the atrocities of the Japanese armies during World War II, and I can think of at least three which were made specifically about the "Rape of Nanking" - a phrase coined by Iris Chang. They were not cinematic masterpieces, and served mostly an educational role, if not a bit too propaganda-like. Therefore, "The Flowers of War" marks the first time that a movie about this painful episode is shown to the western audience.

Perhaps it explains why Zhang Yimou has tried his best to cater to a western audience. He has not been known for subtlety when he wants to deliver a message (e.g. "Hero"). With this movie, he is clearly trying to inform the audience about the atrocities committed by the Japanese army in Nanking.

Frankly, the story has many flaws, many of which obviously are attributed to the writer, as opposed to the director. The characters were thinly built and ill developed. The moral transformation of the American guy played by Christian Bale in the movie was simultaneously unbelievable and predictable. The credibility of the twists and turns of the events would not stand a closer look by anyone with an average intelligence.

Yet despite all that, Zhang Yimou has managed to appeal to his Chinese audience in a way that perhaps only he knows how. He has not done so well with the western audience. The reviews in China have been much more positive than here in the US. His meticulous attention to details such as how his actresses must speak an authentic Nanking dialect and must learn how to walk in the way that prostitutes back then walked, perhaps can only be rivaled by Steve Jobs with his fanatical emphasis on the details of the Apple products. The title of the film in Chinese "Thirteen Beauties in Nanking" is a clever play on the famous Chinese classic novel "Dream of the Red Mansion", which is utterly lost in translation. The scene in which the prostitutes played the quintessentially romantic song of that era from that region has a huge emotional impact on Chinese people with appreciation for folk operas, which does not translate emotionally to a western audience. In the end, despite his effort to appeal to a western audience with more than half the original dialogues in English, he has won over his Chinese audience, who found his cinematic approach to the subject of Nanking massacre unique, refreshing, poignant and less preachy than previous films.

Of course, as the director who discovered Gong Li and Zhang Ziyi for the world, he does not disappoint with his selection of the leading actress. With Ni Ni, he has made us believe that no one else could have been playing the character of Yu Mo more believably, even if the role is not a believable one to start with.

Zhang Yimou is more of an artist than a storyteller. It helps that he has had a deep appreciation of Chinese history and culture, and access to a wealth of materials for him to make movies. He brings the best element out of his actresses, so that they find to their own surprise how much they embody their fictional characters. That is perhaps where he is better than other directors known more for their style than substance.